O Juliet, Juliet by Robert Challis
the worst thing you can do. He's very sensitive about it. Whatever you do, don't mention it. Pretend you've noticed nothing.
JASMINE: I get the message.
(Jill and director enter left, Jill holding the scripts.)
FERGUS: I'm quite capable of carrying the scripts myself, you know.
JILL: Nonsense. Now you just find yourself a nice chair, Mr. McAlister, and make yourself comfortable.
FERGUS: I'm not a baby, you know.
JILL: And I'll go and get you a nice cup of milk... I mean coffee.
FERGUS: (Reacting) I don't want a coffee. Now look, I've had a hard day...
JILL: Oh, you poor man.
FERGUS: I'm not a poor man at all. Now give me those scripts. (He snatches them from her) I'm the director here.
JASMINE: Where are our coffees?
JILL: All you can think of is your stomachs. You're real pains. (Director reacts)
JASMINE: (To Jill) Can't you take a hint? (Taking director by the arm) Now Mr. McAlister, it really is a privilege for me. I've admired your work for ages.
FERGUS: (Sarcastically) Oh yes? Which particular play did you admire the most?
JASMINE: I ...er... I
BEN: I think Chekhov's always been Jasmine's favourite.
JASMINE: Oh yes, Chekhov's ... (Looking at Ben for inspiration. Behind the director he starts flapping his arms) The..... Windmill ......The Birds
BEN: (Hissing) The Seagull.
JASMINE: The Seagull is 'it' as far as I'm concerned. The subtle nuances you put over ... I mean, it left me....
JILL: Witless?
JASMINE: Breathless.
FERGUS: (Sarcastically) Nice to see young people so taken with the classics. Anyway, enough of this. (Gives Ben a script) Let's start with the balcony scene. (Holding out a script) Who goes first?
JASMINE: (Sweetly) Me first. But I won't need a script. (Takes it) All I need is a quick glance to refresh my memory.
(Director goes to front right with a script. Opens it. Ben exits.)
FERGUS: I've marked a spot on page thirty-two. That's where you can start.
(Ben returns with a chair which he places in the middle of the stage. Jasmine gets up on it.)
FERGUS: And what do you think you're doing?
BEN: It's the balcony scene, isn't it? I thought she ought to be elevated.
FERCUS: (Turning away from actors towards audience, taking out his hip flask.) To himself: I don't think I can handle too much of this. (Drinks)
JASMINE: (Suddenly, and over-acting) 0 Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
FERGUS: Take it easy.
JASMINE: Pardon, Sir?
FERGUS: You're overdoing it.
JASMINE: But she's overcome with love.
FERGUS: I know, but you're still overdoing it.
(Jasmine uses the script in all her lines.)
JASMINE: (Glares for a moment, then resumes, still over-acting) Deny thy father and refuse thy name: Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet.
BEN: (Aside) Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?
(Director, in pain, again turns towards audience for another swig.)
JASMINE: 'Tis but thy name that is my enemy. Thou art thyself, though not a Montague. (Pronounced to rhyme with plague) What's Montague?
FERGUS: That's a good question.
JASMINE: Pardon, Sir?
FERGUS: Montague, young lady, Montague. That'll do for the moment. Now could you hand your script to the other young lady? Take it from there.
JILL: (Smiles at Jasmine as she takes the script and gets on to the chair. She reads her lines, in a broad accent) What's Montague? It is not hand nor foot Nor arm nor face, nor any other part Belonging to a man. 0 be some other name, What's in a name? That which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet.
FERGUS: (Under his breath, rubbing his stomach) I'm not feeling too well.
JILL: What did you say?
FERGUS: I said this is supposed to be Romeo and Juliet, not Dave and Mabel.
JILL: (Broadly) Eh?
FERGUS: That'll do for now. We'll try something a bit less demanding.
(Julie enters, left.)
JULIE: Is this where they're having the Juliet auditions?
FERGUS: It is, as a matter of fact. (Looking at his watch)
JULIE: You must be Mr. McAlister then. My name's Julie. I'm so sorry I'm late.
FERGUS: If you get a part in this play, it won't be any good if you're late for rehearsals.
JULIE: (Contrite) I know. It won't happen again. I'll organise another time to see Mrs. Partridge.
FERGUS: Mrs. Who?
JULIE: (Eagerly) You see, I've just been visiting Mrs. Partridge. She's a pensioner and she lives on her own. I visit her three times a week after finishing my homework. I would have been on time, but her arthritis in her fingers was playing up. I couldn't leave her while she was still crying. So I was rubbing liniment into them to try to ease her pain and free them up.
(The other three exchange glances.)
FERGUS: I see. Well, in the circumstances you can be forgiven.
JASMINE: It's terribly inconsiderate. A man of Mr. McAlister's ability shouldn't be kept waiting. You should have organised your visit for another time.
JULIE: (Apologetically) I know. I really feel absolutely terrible about it. It won't happen again. I'll change the time of my visits.
JILL: It's just plain rude, if you ask me.
FERGUS: Think nothing of it. It's very commendable to find a young person prepared to put herself out for our senior citizens. As it happens, your arrival is quite timely. If the other young lady can hand you a script, I'll get you to read from the line on page thirty-five.
JULIE: (Turning to the page) Will it be all right if I read? I really don't know the play very well.
FERGUS: Of course. Ben'll read Romeo for you.
JULIE: (She pushes the chair out of the way, smiles at Ben, glances at the page, then does all the lines from memory) Hist! Romeo, hist! 0 for a falconer's voice To lure this tassel-gentle back again! Bondage is hoarse and may not speak aloud, Else would I fear the cave where Echo lies And make her airy tongue more hoarse than mine With repetition of "My Romeo!"
FERGUS: You know it by heart?
JULIE: Not really, it's just that by an amazing coincidence, I just happened to have been looking at this section before coming here.
JASMINE: While you were massaging Mrs. Partridge's hand.
FERGUS: I'm impressed. Carry on.
BEN: (Warming to it) It is my soul that calls upon my name: How silver sweet sound....
FERGUS: Yes, yes, I think we can skip this bit.
BEN: But what about the continuity?
FERGUS: On to Juliet's next bit, 'Tis almost morning.
JULIE: (Without a glance at script) 'Tis almost morning; I would have thee gone.
(Director rubs stomach, turns away from actors and takes a drink from hip flask. It is empty. He shakes it.)
And yet no further than a wanton's bird. What's a wanton, Mr. McAlister?
(Jill and Jasmine guffaw.)
FERGUS: I suppose you could call her a very sociable young lady.
JULIE: Thank you. Who lets it hop a little from her hand Like a poor prisoner in his twisted gyves, And with a silken thread plucks it back again, So loving jealous of his liberty.
BEN: I would I were thy bird.
JULIE: Sweet, so would I. Yet I would kill thee with much cherishing. Good night, Good night: Parting is such sweet sorrow That I shall say good night till it be morrow. (Pauses for effect, closes book, then steps away)
FERGUS: (Clapping) Bravo, bravo.
JASMINE: Nauseating.
BEN: Sleep dwell upon thine eyes. Peace is me....
FERGUS: That'll be all right, Ben.
BEN: I thought I'd better finish off the scene.
FERGUS: We're auditioning Juliet, not Romeo.
BEN: But don't you want to hear...
; FERGUS: Not particularly. Now, I've had a pretty hard day, and I'm parched. I'll take a short break for a coffee. (Casually) Is there some milk out the back?
JILL: (Moving) Yes, I'll make it for you.
FERGUS: (Sharply) No! I mean, I'd like you all to look at the Juliet death scene. With one exception (looking at Julie) a bit of familiarity with the lines might do wonders for your acting. (Exits, left)
JILL: (Rounding on Julie instantly) You pathetic little show-off.
JULIE: (Apologetically) I was just lucky he happened to choose those lines.
JASMINE: (Mimicking) Is it all right if I read the lines, I don't know the play very well.
JILL: I'll bet you did it as a school production or something.
JULIE: No, really, I...
JASMINE: What's a wanton, Mr. McAlister?
JILL: What school do you go to anyway? Some posh college I expect.
JULIE: Well, as a matter of fact, I do...
JILL: Just as I thought. Stuck up little tart.
JULIE: (As if about to cry) I'm sorry... I'm really sorry.
BEN: (Winking at the others) Leave off. If you ask me, you two are just plain jealous. You're a very talented actress, Julie. You must have done a lot of acting.
JULIE: Oh, only amateur and school things. This is my first serious audition. I'm not much good really.
BEN: Oh, you are. I've been to a lot of Uncle Fergus's auditions. You're a natural. And my Uncle likes you. You're just about a certainty for the part.
JULIE: Oh, I'm sure I'm not.
BEN: So I thought I'd better just warn you in advance.
JULIE: Warn me! What about?
BEN: My Uncle's little problem.
JULIE: Little problem?
BEN: We really like to keep it in the family, but you're obviously a nice girl, so I thought it only fair.
JULIE: What little problem?
BEN: It's the drinking. It's not really to excess - not most of the time anyway. In fact, most days he hardly touches the stuff ... before lunch.
(Jill and Jasmine, behind Julie, suppressing laughter.)
JULIE: Drinking! Do you mean he’s....?
BEN: Yes, he's ... he's ... an alcoholic.
JULIE:
JASMINE: I get the message.
(Jill and director enter left, Jill holding the scripts.)
FERGUS: I'm quite capable of carrying the scripts myself, you know.
JILL: Nonsense. Now you just find yourself a nice chair, Mr. McAlister, and make yourself comfortable.
FERGUS: I'm not a baby, you know.
JILL: And I'll go and get you a nice cup of milk... I mean coffee.
FERGUS: (Reacting) I don't want a coffee. Now look, I've had a hard day...
JILL: Oh, you poor man.
FERGUS: I'm not a poor man at all. Now give me those scripts. (He snatches them from her) I'm the director here.
JASMINE: Where are our coffees?
JILL: All you can think of is your stomachs. You're real pains. (Director reacts)
JASMINE: (To Jill) Can't you take a hint? (Taking director by the arm) Now Mr. McAlister, it really is a privilege for me. I've admired your work for ages.
FERGUS: (Sarcastically) Oh yes? Which particular play did you admire the most?
JASMINE: I ...er... I
BEN: I think Chekhov's always been Jasmine's favourite.
JASMINE: Oh yes, Chekhov's ... (Looking at Ben for inspiration. Behind the director he starts flapping his arms) The..... Windmill ......The Birds
BEN: (Hissing) The Seagull.
JASMINE: The Seagull is 'it' as far as I'm concerned. The subtle nuances you put over ... I mean, it left me....
JILL: Witless?
JASMINE: Breathless.
FERGUS: (Sarcastically) Nice to see young people so taken with the classics. Anyway, enough of this. (Gives Ben a script) Let's start with the balcony scene. (Holding out a script) Who goes first?
JASMINE: (Sweetly) Me first. But I won't need a script. (Takes it) All I need is a quick glance to refresh my memory.
(Director goes to front right with a script. Opens it. Ben exits.)
FERGUS: I've marked a spot on page thirty-two. That's where you can start.
(Ben returns with a chair which he places in the middle of the stage. Jasmine gets up on it.)
FERGUS: And what do you think you're doing?
BEN: It's the balcony scene, isn't it? I thought she ought to be elevated.
FERCUS: (Turning away from actors towards audience, taking out his hip flask.) To himself: I don't think I can handle too much of this. (Drinks)
JASMINE: (Suddenly, and over-acting) 0 Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
FERGUS: Take it easy.
JASMINE: Pardon, Sir?
FERGUS: You're overdoing it.
JASMINE: But she's overcome with love.
FERGUS: I know, but you're still overdoing it.
(Jasmine uses the script in all her lines.)
JASMINE: (Glares for a moment, then resumes, still over-acting) Deny thy father and refuse thy name: Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet.
BEN: (Aside) Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?
(Director, in pain, again turns towards audience for another swig.)
JASMINE: 'Tis but thy name that is my enemy. Thou art thyself, though not a Montague. (Pronounced to rhyme with plague) What's Montague?
FERGUS: That's a good question.
JASMINE: Pardon, Sir?
FERGUS: Montague, young lady, Montague. That'll do for the moment. Now could you hand your script to the other young lady? Take it from there.
JILL: (Smiles at Jasmine as she takes the script and gets on to the chair. She reads her lines, in a broad accent) What's Montague? It is not hand nor foot Nor arm nor face, nor any other part Belonging to a man. 0 be some other name, What's in a name? That which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet.
FERGUS: (Under his breath, rubbing his stomach) I'm not feeling too well.
JILL: What did you say?
FERGUS: I said this is supposed to be Romeo and Juliet, not Dave and Mabel.
JILL: (Broadly) Eh?
FERGUS: That'll do for now. We'll try something a bit less demanding.
(Julie enters, left.)
JULIE: Is this where they're having the Juliet auditions?
FERGUS: It is, as a matter of fact. (Looking at his watch)
JULIE: You must be Mr. McAlister then. My name's Julie. I'm so sorry I'm late.
FERGUS: If you get a part in this play, it won't be any good if you're late for rehearsals.
JULIE: (Contrite) I know. It won't happen again. I'll organise another time to see Mrs. Partridge.
FERGUS: Mrs. Who?
JULIE: (Eagerly) You see, I've just been visiting Mrs. Partridge. She's a pensioner and she lives on her own. I visit her three times a week after finishing my homework. I would have been on time, but her arthritis in her fingers was playing up. I couldn't leave her while she was still crying. So I was rubbing liniment into them to try to ease her pain and free them up.
(The other three exchange glances.)
FERGUS: I see. Well, in the circumstances you can be forgiven.
JASMINE: It's terribly inconsiderate. A man of Mr. McAlister's ability shouldn't be kept waiting. You should have organised your visit for another time.
JULIE: (Apologetically) I know. I really feel absolutely terrible about it. It won't happen again. I'll change the time of my visits.
JILL: It's just plain rude, if you ask me.
FERGUS: Think nothing of it. It's very commendable to find a young person prepared to put herself out for our senior citizens. As it happens, your arrival is quite timely. If the other young lady can hand you a script, I'll get you to read from the line on page thirty-five.
JULIE: (Turning to the page) Will it be all right if I read? I really don't know the play very well.
FERGUS: Of course. Ben'll read Romeo for you.
JULIE: (She pushes the chair out of the way, smiles at Ben, glances at the page, then does all the lines from memory) Hist! Romeo, hist! 0 for a falconer's voice To lure this tassel-gentle back again! Bondage is hoarse and may not speak aloud, Else would I fear the cave where Echo lies And make her airy tongue more hoarse than mine With repetition of "My Romeo!"
FERGUS: You know it by heart?
JULIE: Not really, it's just that by an amazing coincidence, I just happened to have been looking at this section before coming here.
JASMINE: While you were massaging Mrs. Partridge's hand.
FERGUS: I'm impressed. Carry on.
BEN: (Warming to it) It is my soul that calls upon my name: How silver sweet sound....
FERGUS: Yes, yes, I think we can skip this bit.
BEN: But what about the continuity?
FERGUS: On to Juliet's next bit, 'Tis almost morning.
JULIE: (Without a glance at script) 'Tis almost morning; I would have thee gone.
(Director rubs stomach, turns away from actors and takes a drink from hip flask. It is empty. He shakes it.)
And yet no further than a wanton's bird. What's a wanton, Mr. McAlister?
(Jill and Jasmine guffaw.)
FERGUS: I suppose you could call her a very sociable young lady.
JULIE: Thank you. Who lets it hop a little from her hand Like a poor prisoner in his twisted gyves, And with a silken thread plucks it back again, So loving jealous of his liberty.
BEN: I would I were thy bird.
JULIE: Sweet, so would I. Yet I would kill thee with much cherishing. Good night, Good night: Parting is such sweet sorrow That I shall say good night till it be morrow. (Pauses for effect, closes book, then steps away)
FERGUS: (Clapping) Bravo, bravo.
JASMINE: Nauseating.
BEN: Sleep dwell upon thine eyes. Peace is me....
FERGUS: That'll be all right, Ben.
BEN: I thought I'd better finish off the scene.
FERGUS: We're auditioning Juliet, not Romeo.
BEN: But don't you want to hear...
JILL: (Moving) Yes, I'll make it for you.
FERGUS: (Sharply) No! I mean, I'd like you all to look at the Juliet death scene. With one exception (looking at Julie) a bit of familiarity with the lines might do wonders for your acting. (Exits, left)
JILL: (Rounding on Julie instantly) You pathetic little show-off.
JULIE: (Apologetically) I was just lucky he happened to choose those lines.
JASMINE: (Mimicking) Is it all right if I read the lines, I don't know the play very well.
JILL: I'll bet you did it as a school production or something.
JULIE: No, really, I...
JASMINE: What's a wanton, Mr. McAlister?
JILL: What school do you go to anyway? Some posh college I expect.
JULIE: Well, as a matter of fact, I do...
JILL: Just as I thought. Stuck up little tart.
JULIE: (As if about to cry) I'm sorry... I'm really sorry.
BEN: (Winking at the others) Leave off. If you ask me, you two are just plain jealous. You're a very talented actress, Julie. You must have done a lot of acting.
JULIE: Oh, only amateur and school things. This is my first serious audition. I'm not much good really.
BEN: Oh, you are. I've been to a lot of Uncle Fergus's auditions. You're a natural. And my Uncle likes you. You're just about a certainty for the part.
JULIE: Oh, I'm sure I'm not.
BEN: So I thought I'd better just warn you in advance.
JULIE: Warn me! What about?
BEN: My Uncle's little problem.
JULIE: Little problem?
BEN: We really like to keep it in the family, but you're obviously a nice girl, so I thought it only fair.
JULIE: What little problem?
BEN: It's the drinking. It's not really to excess - not most of the time anyway. In fact, most days he hardly touches the stuff ... before lunch.
(Jill and Jasmine, behind Julie, suppressing laughter.)
JULIE: Drinking! Do you mean he’s....?
BEN: Yes, he's ... he's ... an alcoholic.
JULIE: