Pandemonium (MC Sinners Next Generation #1) by Bella Jewel
“Mostly,” I say, my voice hoarse. “Was I crying?”
“Yeah. I only just came in, but I could hear you down the hall. Scared the shit out of me.”
“Where are you?” I whisper. “Come to me, please.”
He shuffles about and then he’s by my side in the bed, pulling me into his arms. He smells good, like fresh coffee and Lucas.
“You should talk to your family, kid,” he suggests gently. “I think the only way you’re goin’ to heal from this is to tell them what really happened.”
“I can’t do that; you know I can’t.”
“I don’t know why you can’t. Your dad—he’d want to know. If I was a dad . . . I’d want to know.”
“Even if it destroyed you?”
He ponders that, then in a quiet voice, says, “Even if it destroyed me.”
I decide to change the subject, because the fact of the matter is Lucas and I will never agree on this. I don’t want to see my dad destroyed because I made a bad choice. I couldn’t bear it.
“Did you have a long night?” I ask, snuggling into his arms.
“Mmmm. Could say that.”
“You smell like coffee.”
“Had to stay awake somehow.”
I laugh softly. “It must suck.”
“Sometimes it does, others I enjoy it. Keeps my mind active. If I’m alone too long, I think about things.”
“Lucas?”
“Yeah, baby?”
God, I love when he calls me that. “What happened to your wife?”
He stiffens, and then mutters, “Shylie’s mom?”
Does he have another one? Who else did he think I’d be talking about?
“Yeah?”
“She died giving birth to Shy.”
God, that’s awful. I couldn’t imagine how that must have felt—to lose his wife and then his daughter. I don’t even know how he’s still breathing, let alone coping.
“I’m so sorry, Lucas,” I say, my voice soft.
“She was a good woman. I loved her. She would have loved Shy, and she would have been . . . devastated if she knew what I let happen to her.”
“No,” I say softly. “God, no. Don’t think like that. Accidents happen all the time. You did the best you could.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Lucas . . .”
“Don’t wanna talk about this, Ava.”
“Are we ever going to talk about it? You keep telling me to let people in . . .”
“My past is my past; it isn’t anyone’s business.”
I flinch at that. “Not even mine?”
“We’re fucking, Ava. We’re not married.”
Those words hurt. They rip to my very core. “Is that really how you feel?”
He sighs. “Fuck, no. It’s not how I feel, but my past is just that—my past. I need you to drop it.”
“How am I supposed to know you if you won’t let me in?”
“Drop it,” he barks. He lets me go and stands. “I gotta get back to work.”
“Lucas,” I call.
He walks out of the room and I slide out of bed, throwing a robe on before rushing downstairs. I get to the bottom of the stairs and skid to a complete halt, my blood rushing from my head, as I see my father, Cade and Spike standing in my lounge room, glaring at Lucas. Oh no. This isn’t happening. This isn’t how Dad was meant to find out.
“What,” Dad spits, “the fuck?”
“Daddy,” I whisper.
His eyes shoot to me and widen as he takes in my robe. He doesn’t give me a chance to explain. He lunges at Lucas. The two men crash to the ground and fists fly.
“Stop!” I scream, jumping towards them, but Spike skirts around the tumbling pair and jerks me to his body, his arm around my chest.
“Let them go.” It’s a gruff order, and he sounds mega pissed.
“Daddy!” I cry as he throws punch after punch into Lucas’s mouth. Lucas returns them, and soon there is blood and curses flying everywhere.
“Please!” I sob.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doin’ in here with my baby girl?” Dad bellows, one hand around Lucas’s throat.
“Ain’t what you think.”
“Fuckin’ ain’t it?” Dad roars. “You’ve been lookin’ for a way in my club to get your answers for over a year now, and what better way than to go through my daughter? I told you once, I’ll tell you a thousand fuckin’ times—I don’t know where your fuckin’ wife is.”
I flinch in Spike’s arms as my father’s words penetrate. A way to get into the club. A wife. Lucas just told me his wife died giving birth. A cold chill runs up my spine, and I rasp, “What?”
Lucas looks to me. “Whatever he’s sayin’, it ain’t why I’m here, baby.”
“Call her baby again and I’ll gut you,” Dad barks.
“Dad,” I cry, my pained, broken voice finally cutting through. He turns to me.
“You been fuckin’ this man, Ava?”
“It’s none of your business,” I sob.
“It’s my business. Do you know who he is?”
I stare at him, not answering.
“Has he told you why he’s with you?”
I look to Lucas, who has tight fists and is glaring at my father.
“Lucas,” I whisper.
His eyes find mine again. “He’s wrong, kid.”
“About what?” I shriek.
“He’s a fuckin’ cop who has been sniffin’ around my club for over a year lookin’ for his wife.”
“B-b-b-but you just told me your wife is dead.”
“She is,” Lucas grunts.
“Oh,” Dad snorts. “You didn’t tell her you’ve been married twice and the second one you’re still married to?”
My heart skitters nearly to a stop, and it hurts, really fucking hurts.
“Y-y-y-y-you’re married?”
Lucas looks to me. “Yes.”
My knees buckle, and Spike holds me up.
“Ain’t what you think,” he says, trying to step towards me, but Dad stops him with a loud punch to the chest.
Lucas stumbles back, bellowing in pain as the wind is knocked out him.
“Dad, stop!” I cry.
“This man has used you to get back at the club. He has some twisted illusion that we know where his wife is, and he won’t stop until he gets his answers. He’s using you, baby girl.”
No. Lucas wouldn’t do that to me; he wouldn’t.
“Lucas?” I say, my voice a broken tremor.
“It isn’t what you think.”
“Are you looking for your wife?”
His eyes flash, and he nods.
“And the club. Are you suspicious of them?”
He growls low in his chest. “Still ain’t what you think.”
“So you used me . . . you . . . used me?” My tears explode and tumble down my cheeks. “You knew what I’ve been living through and you used me to find your wife?”
“I didn’t fuckin’ use you.”
“Shut the fuck up and get out of my daughter’s house,” dad demands.
“Don’t give me fuckin’ orders. You wanna come in here and ruin what I’ve got then walk away unscathed? You know nothin’ about your little girl, Jackson. If you did, you’d know I’ve been the only fuckin’ one to keep her from downing in the last month.”
Dad’s eyes flash.
“Lucas,” I croak. “Stop.”
“Did you know that bastard that took her is still giving her hell?”
Spike flinches behind me and Dad turns, his eyes pained as he looks to me for an answer. Damn Lucas. Damn him.
“Is that true?” he asks me.
“Daddy . . .”
“Is it true?” he bellows.
“Yes.”
He spins fast and his fist hits the wall, smashing through it as he roars his pain. I shove out of Spike’s arms. I can’t take this any longer. I can’t. I run towards the door and dodge Cade, who looks like he’s about to explod
“Don’t.” I spin around, my hands up as he and my father try to get closer. “Don’t either of you come near me. Stay the hell away.”
Then I rush out the door before any of them can stop me.
~*~*~*~
My phone is ringing over and over.
I don’t answer it.
Text messages are blaring in.
I don’t read them.
I just sit on a local bridge, my feet dangling over the side, listening to the pointless chatter of people strolling past. Dried tears are now stiff on my cheeks, and my hair is damp from the small shower of rain that passed about an hour ago. A bird sings in the distance, its chipper tune making me feel that much worse. I press my forehead against the railing and sigh.
Lucas is married.
He’s been looking for his wife.
All this time, all the soft, comforting words . . . were they all a lie? If you’d have asked me three hours ago, I would have said he was the most genuine person I’d ever met, but now . . . now I just don’t know. I can’t see how he could be so real and lie to me all at the same time. Is it possible every word he said was a lie? Did he mean any of it? Did any of it mean anything?
A wife.
God. He has a wife.
A pain in my chest expands until it feels as if it’s going to explode. I press my hand to my heart, fighting back my emotion. Everything inside me is screaming to just run, to find somewhere else, to find something else. Leave the club. Leave Lucas. Leave the horrific events of this town behind.
I stare down at the bottle of vodka in the brown paper bag beside me. I rushed out and bought it.
I haven’t had any. I don’t think I will, but having it here is almost a comfort. I could imagine nothing more numbing than drinking the whole bottle, but I’m stronger than that. I have to be stronger than that. If Lucas taught me one thing, it was that I can’t live a life drowning—I have to pick myself up and move on.
Even if that is alone.
Someone sits down beside me and I flinch, turning and seeing Lucas. He isn’t looking at me; he’s just staring out at the water, his face unreadable.
“What are you doing here?” I whisper, my voice too scratchy to make an appearance. “How did you find me?”
“Your friend Skye told me this is your favorite place.”
Skye? She doesn’t even know him. “Why would she do that?”
“Because she knows I’m not a bastard.”
I flinch. “Pity I don’t feel the same.”
He turns to me, and I see the bruising forming on his face. His lower lip is busted. He looks awful. “I can talk until I’m blue in the face; you’re either going to listen to me or you aren’t.”
I look away.
“I had a wife, yes. After my daughter died, she started doing drugs. She disappeared, and the last person that saw her was a member of your dad’s club. I have been looking for her, not because I love her still, but because I need closure. I wasn’t using you to find her, regardless of what Jackson said.”
“You lied to me,” I whisper.
“No,” he says. “I just didn’t tell you the entire truth.”
“You told me your wife was dead.”
“She is. My first wife, and Shylie’s mom, is dead.”
“So you’ve been married twice, and you want me to believe you’re serious about me?” I laugh, but it’s broken and pathetic.
“Yeah, Ava, I want you to believe that because I want you to fuckin’ believe in me.”
“Well I don’t,” I whisper. “I don’t believe in you.”
I regret those words as soon as they leave my lips.
Lucas looks to me, his eyes pained—I can see so much broken in them, but mostly I can see the heartbreak I just inflicted on him. “Then we’re done here.”
He stands and I open my mouth to cry out, to scream at him to stop, but nothing comes out. My bitter, broken heart won’t let me call after the man I’ve fallen in love with. It just shuts down, taking my body with it.
I watch him disappear into the darkness, his shoulders slumped, his big body broken beyond repair.
And I know I’ve lost him.
CHAPTER 31
NOW – AVA
I stand out the front of the club, seeing the people milling around, grouping off together, no doubt looking for me. I’ve been gone for more than a day, but I needed to get my head together and stroke my broken heart before I could face my father. He’s going to want answers, and I don’t know if I can give them to him. I don’t know anything anymore.
It’s Muff who notices me standing pitifully at the gates first, and his eyes soften. He calls to my dad, who turns and stares at me, relief flooding his features. My mom beats him to the chase and runs towards me. I open the gates and step in. She reaches me and throws her arms around my neck, holding my tightly.
“I’m so sorry, baby. I didn’t know.”
“It’s okay, Mom,” I say, hugging her tight, needing her comfort. “I’m okay.”
“He was harassing you and we didn’t know. We didn’t . . .”
“I’m okay.”
Such a lie. Such a big, fucking lie.
Dad reaches us and says, “Serenity, let her go. Take everyone inside and leave us be.”
“Jacks,” she says softly, and he turns his eyes to her. They’re leaving no room for argument.
“Inside.”
“Go easy on her . . .”
“Now, darlin’,” he murmurs, gentler this time.
She nods and kisses my cheek before disappearing with the rest of the club inside.
I stare at my shoes, not looking at my dad, not wanting to see the pain, but mostly not wanting to see the disappointment.
“A cop.”
I flinch.
“You were sleepin’ with a cop.”
My bottom lip quivers.
“And you went to him. You. Went. To. Him.”
I look up.
“That piece of shit that took you was givin’ you hell, and you went to him.”
“Daddy . . .”
“Why?” he whispers, and the pain behind it hurts me so much.
I step back, hand over my heart. “I love him.”
Now it’s his turn to flinch. “No,” he growls. “No, Ava. He’s using you.”
“He’s not,” I say, truly believing that. “He might have withheld the truth, but he’s not using me.”
“He’s using you,” he barks. “Lucas Black is a player.”
He’s wrong. If he knew what Lucas had walked me through, he’d know he was, but if I tell him that, I’m going to break him even more. If he knew what really happened that night, he’d never be the same.
“You’re wrong about that, but even if you weren’t, it isn’t your choice to make.”
“He’s a cop!” he bellows.
“And you’re a biker!”
He jerks.
“What’s the difference?” I whisper. “What’s the damned difference? You hate him. He hates you. It wouldn’t matter which side I was on.”
“You’re on this side, and you know better.”
“You’re right, Dad, I do know better, but I fell in love. Love has no boundaries. None. You should know that better than anyone.”
His eyes soften just slightly. “Two different worlds, Ava, it can’t work.”
“Well,” I croak, “lucky for you, it won’t. We broke up.”
His eyes fully soften now. “He did?”
“I’m sure it doesn’t surprise you. After all, you think he was just using me.”
He crosses his arms and stares down at them.
“Even if he didn’t leave me, it would be my choice, Dad. You know I love you, but it would be my choice.”
He looks back up at me. He says nothing.
“And as for the other problem, I don’t know what that horrible, evil man wants from you. I don’t think he’ll stop until
“He hurt you?” he says.
Something in his eyes almost begging me to say no.
“No, Daddy, he didn’t.”
“You didn’t come to me.”
I stare at the trees behind him. “Didn’t want to hurt you.”
He makes a pained, throaty sound. “Tell me you’re fuckin’ shitting me, baby?”
“No, Dad, I’m not shitting you. I know what my being taken did to you . . .”
He steps forward. “Ava.”
“It’s fine. I’m fine.”
“Ava.”
Tears burn under my eyelids, and I keep looking away.
“Baby.”
One trickles down my cheek.
“Fuck.”
He steps forward and hauls me into his arms. I clutch his leather jacket, breathing him in, needing his familiar scent.
“I’m sorry,” I croak.
“Don’t be.”
I cry harder.
“I loved him, Daddy.”
He holds me tighter.
“I loved him so fucking bad.”
He doesn’t get up me for swearing, he just hangs onto me as I break.
“He . . . saved me and now he’s gone.”
“I’m sorry.”
It’s all he can say, I know that. But at least he’s saying it like he means it.
~*~*~*~
ONE WEEK LATER
I haven’t heard from Lucas.
I tried to call him once; he had his phone off. I called his work. They say he’s unavailable. He doesn’t want to speak to me. I get that. I broke his heart after everything he’d done for me. I ripped an already battered mess apart and stomped on it. I could understand if he never spoke to me again. I wouldn’t speak to me, either.
I’ve been at the club for the past two days. Dad has called lockdown until he can find the man who has been causing all the problems. I’ve spent a lot of time with Skye, Danny, Mercy and Max, but nothing is lifting my spirits. My heart is breaking, my nightmares are worse, and nothing I can do is making any of it better.
There was only one person who could make it better, and he’s gone.
“Hey sweetie.”
I look up to see Mom walking in, her eyes soft on mine. She’s got a cup of tea in her hand.
“Hey, Mom.”
“How’re you feeling?”
I shrug, crossing my legs.