Priestley Plays Four by J. B. Priestley

  KING: We don’t know who the bridegroom will be yet – but you’ll marry him if we have to lock you up and give you nothing but bread and water –

  MELICENT: (Stormily.) I won’t – I won’t – I won’t –

  KING: You will. And that’s our royal command – bear witness, Lady Ninette and Master Marlagram, that we have spoken.

  MELICENT: (Urgently.) Master Marlagram, you remember the brooch that Malgrim wanted –

  MARLAGRAM: Yes – he-he-he-he! – we’re both after it of course –

  MELICENT: It’s yours if you help me now –

  MARLAGRAM: (Delighted.) Done! And notice I never asked for it. He-he-he!

  KING: What’s all this nonsense about a brooch? Whatever it is, we assure you –

  MARLAGRAM: (Very impressive now, the magician.) Stop, King Meliot!

  He holds up a hand. Light changes. Distant roll of thunder. NINETTE gives a little cry of alarm and shrinks back.

  KING: (Uneasily.) None of your old Merlin tricks, Marlagram, please. Years out of date now, my dear fellow. Steady now –

  MARLAGRAM: (Tremendously impressive.) The moment of clear sight, given me under the Seal of Solomon, is with me now, King Meliot of Peradore. Two terrible dangers approach this castle. One is the unknown Red Knight who will challenge all, and can overcome all but one, at the tournament tomorrow. The other is a ravening fiery dragon that is even now muttering and smouldering in the wood below. And only he who overcomes the Red Knight may slay the dragon. And it is he who must marry the Princess.

  KING: (His teeth almost chattering.) Certainly – certainly – very reasonable in the circumstances. But are you sure about the Red Knight and the dragon? There couldn’t be any mistake –

  MARLAGRAM: (Wildly.) Mistake! What – you question the moment of clear sight – the Seal of Solomon himself?

  There is on the darkening stage a terrific flash of lightning and roll of thunder. The GIRLS scream. MARLAGRAM slips out.

  KING: (Alarmed.) No – no – no – you’re quite right – very reasonable too – we give our word –

  MARLAGRAM: (Triumphantly – off.) He-he-he-he-he-he! And that’s another old Merlin trick, King Meliot – years out of date too –

  KING: (Almost in the dark, admiringly.) Gone, has he? Well, as we’ve said many a time, you can’t beat the old school of sorcerers when they’re really in form. Cranky, expensive, a bit messy – but they do let you know exactly where you are. And where we are – we have a bloodthirsty Red Knight and a ravening fiery dragon on our hands. In our opinion – a bit much.

  Scene blacks out completely.

  SCENE THREE

  Dungeon as in Sc. 8, Act I. SAM seen as before, chained and manacled. FIRST and SECOND SOLDIERS enter as before, carrying rations. They leave door open behind them.

  FIRST SOLDIER: (Putting down bowl.) A drop ’o broth this time – for a treat.

  SECOND SOLDIER: (Putting down loaf.) And another loaf.

  FIRST SOLDIER: Just a loafer, you are, chum. (Both SOLDIERS laugh.) Not bad – eh – Ted?

  SECOND SOLDIER: (Still laughing.) You’ll kill me yet – Jack.

  SAM: Where’s your Captain – Sir Skip?

  FIRST SOLDIER: Sir Bloody Skip ’as ’ad it. First we put ’im under arrest – an’ now the enchanter’s getting’ to work on ’im – and on the other bloke –

  SECOND SOLDIER: By this time they might ’ave bin turned into a couple of basset hounds –

  FIRST SOLDIER: An’ that’s a dog’s life, chum. See – Ted – they come like lightnin’.

  SECOND SOLDIER: (Laughing as they go.) You’re a bloody marvel – Jack.

  They go out. Sam tastes the broth.

  SAM: Terrible. (Turns and calls up.) I say – this broth is terrible. What do you make it out of – arrowheads?

  MARLAGRAM enters, chuckling. He is carrying a large pasty and a tankard.

  MARLAGRAM: He-he-he-he! Well, here I am again, my boy. And here’s a real supper.

  SAM: (As he takes it.) Thanks very much, Master Marlagram.

  MARLAGRAM: King Meliot’s best wine and his favourite pasty – he-he-he!

  SAM: There’ll be hell to pay if he finds out. There was when I had ’em for lunch. (Begins eating and drinking.) You brought back Princess Melicent of course?

  MARLAGRAM: Yes, and we’ve come to a nice little arrangement. She gets what she wants. I get what I want. You couldn’t have it neater.

  SAM: Speak for yourself. What happens to me?

  MARLAGRAM: Well, what do you want to happen to you, my boy? Most people don’t get what they want just because they don’t know what they want. Now do you know what you want?

  SAM: Certainly. When a man’s chained up in a dungeon, he starts from scratch.

  MARLAGRAM: He starts from scratch / To make a match.

  SAM: (Still eating and drinking.) No verse, if you don’t mind. After you’d gone this afternoon I couldn’t stop making up thousands of bad lines. But certainly I do want to make a match, as you say. I’ve never thought of myself as a marrying man, but now I want to marry Melicent, whichever world we decide to live in. Dam’ good pasty this. I don’t blame the King for wanting to hog it all himself.

  MARLAGRAM: But why Princess Melicent, my boy? You’ve known plenty of young women – pretty girls, clever girls, arty-party ever-so-hearty girls – he-he-he! – why come so far as Peradore to marry one?

  SAM: (Still eating and drinking.) I want to marry Melicent because she seems to me to offer two wonderful qualities I’ve never found before in the same girl – a loving kindness and a beautiful strangeness. A smiling princess – what every man wants. But God knows what she sees in me.

  MELICENT: (Entering now.) God knows – and I know, my darling – but neither of us will ever tell you.

  MARLAGRAM: He-he-he! She heard everything you said, my boy. He-he-he!

  MELICENT: I wish you’d stop making that silly noise – and conjure poor Sam out of his chains and things. You can, can’t you? Otherwise I’d have brought a file.

  MARLAGRAM: I can – though chains and manacles are quite tricky. Quiet, now. Eeeny-meeny-miny-mo. There you are. (Sound of chains falling.)

  MELICENT: How clever of you! I must remember that. Eeny-meeny-miny-mo.

  SAM: I’ve known it for years, but never knew it would do anything to chains.

  MELICENT: Are you having a nice supper, darling?

  SAM: Yes, I am, sweetheart. But what happens now? Though don’t think, Master Marlagram, that I’m not grateful for the chain work and the supper. But what’s the next move?

  MELICENT: (Enthusiastically.) That’s where Master Marlagram’s been so very very clever –

  MARLAGRAM: Though my nephew – smart lad! – got here first, one move ahead of me –

  MELICENT: You see, my father says now I must marry someone – he’s very cross about everything – so Master Marlagram prophesied that there’s a terrible Red Knight who’s going to challenge everybody at the tournament tomorrow –

  MARLAGRAM: (With relish.) And a monster fiery dragon’s coming too – might be here already – he-he-he!

  MELICENT: And my father’s agreed that whoever overcomes them both receives my hand in marriage. And of course that has to be you, darling.

  SAM: Bless you!

  MELICENT: Hasn’t Master Marlagram arranged it all cleverly and cunningly?

  MARLAGRAM: You don’t know the half of it – the way I took advantage of being a move behind my nephew – he-he-he!

  SAM: (Laughing too.) Brilliant, I’ll bet! What an enchanter! So I go out tomorrow – and pretend to have knocked off a terrible Red Knight and a fiery dragon. Wonderful! (He laughs again.) Well, so long as you give me a few tips about what to say and how to look, I can pretend all that as well as the next man. (He laughs again.)

  MELICENT: Just a minute, darling.

  SAM: Sorry – making too much noise. High spirits. (He drinks.)

  MELICENT: You see, you won’t be pretending –

 
SAM: (Coming spluttering out of his drink.) What? D’you mean there is a Red Knight – and a dragon?

  MELICENT: Of course, darling.

  MARLAGRAM: And all you have to do is to overcome them – swish-bish-bang-wallop! – he-he-he!

  SAM: (Staring from one to the other, aghast.) Yes – but – have a heart!

  MELICENT: (Cheerfully.) That’s the point, darling. I have a heart. And it’s all right talking about every man wanting a smiling princess – very sweet of you, and I’m sure it’s true – but of course the one who marries her must have proved himself a hero.

  SAM: (Dubiously.) What if he isn’t a hero?

  MELICENT: Why bother thinking about that? You are a hero. You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t, darling.

  SAM: That’s true – to some extent. But don’t forget, this kind of life’s quite strange to me. I’ve never had a single lesson in tackling Red Knights and dragons.

  MELICENT: That makes you all the braver, darling.

  SAM: (Anxiously.) Yes – but – er – would there be any chance of – er – an invisible cloak – or an unbreakable spear – or a magic sword that cuts through everything – any of the usual heroes’ aids?

  MELICENT: Very sensible, Sam darling! What do you think, Master Marlagram?

  MARLAGRAM: ’Fraid not – he-he-he! We’ve left it a bit late, haven’t we – and they all run into money these days.

  SAM: Well, what about some sort of general enchantment – so that nobody knows exactly what’s happening – ?

  MARLAGRAM: Then nobody’d know you’re a hero –

  MELICENT: And if you’re not a hero, you can’t marry me, Sam dear. Let’s go. We’re putting you into the assistant-chief-armourer’s room –

  MARLAGRAM: He’ll be here but standing in the corner all night. He-he-he! I’ve made him think he’s a mace. (Begins to move out.)

  MELICENT: So you can have a good night’s sleep, darling.

  SAM: (Ready to move.) I’d have a better one if I also thought I was a mace. What time’s the tournament in the morning?

  MELICENT: (Calling back as she goes.) Seven o’clock.

  SAM: (Moving, horrified.) A Red Knight at seven o’clock! I can’t face even a fried egg at seven o’clock.

  As soon as scene fades, we hear sound of trumpets. At other side of stage, HERALD appears, in a light that suggests clear early morning sunlight. Before he speaks there is another fanfare.

  HERALD: (With great pomp.) Hear ye – hear ye – hear ye! His Royal Majesty, King Meliot of Peradore, High Lord of Bergamore, Marralore and Parlot – Overlord of Lancington, Low Moss and Three Bridges – doth pledge his solemn word that he who overcomes the Red Knight shall be first to try an honourable venture with the fiery dragon now below in the wood – which if he should also overcome he shall be given the hand of Princess Melicent in marriage. Refreshment may be obtained in the buffet behind the main stand. Spectators in the gallery are requested not to throw the peel of oranges.

  Another fanfare. We now hear a tremendous din – the shouts of the crowd, the clash of weapons, the thud of horses’ hoofs, drums and trumpets. This continues off when next scene opens.

  SCENE FOUR

  The interior of a large medieval tent-pavilion gay with heraldic devices etc, richly decorated. Noises, coming off L., must be heard between dialogues. Several small covered stools. The pavilion is well-lit but we should feel that outside entrance L. is a blaze of sunlight. SAM is discovered, sitting half-dressed with a few pieces of armour already on, looking gloomy. His shield, helmet and weapons are bundled together, near him, on the floor. He listens to the noise outside. Now we hear an umpire’s voice off L. exactly like Wimbledon.

  UMPIRE: (Off L..) Deuce! (More noise.) Vantage to striker! (More noise.) Game! Game – Set – and Match to the Red Knight.

  A large unconscious and much battered knight is carried through the pavilion by attendants from L. to R. watched by SAM with shuddering interest. As soon as they have gone, LAMISON appears R..

  LAMISON: (Staying near entrance.) Her Highness Princess Melicent would fain have a word with thee.

  SAM: (Rising and going, gloomily.) I would fain have a word with her too – it might be the last.

  LAMISON holds flap open for him but stays when SAM goes.

  LAMISON: (Sneering.) Go, fool! The Black Knight Hath My Heart – quotha! The Red Knight hath thy liver.

  Enter MALGRIM and NINETTE carrying similar bundle of weapons etc we have seen on floor.

  NINETTE: Thank you so much, Lamison. Just what we needed.

  LAMISON goes and they come in.

  MALGRIM: (Pleased with himself.) Now you see, my dear Ninette, we exchange good weapons, shield and helmet the Princess provided for him – (Kicks bundle on floor.) giving him this utility trash once authorised by the Camelot Armour and Weapons Board. Ha-ha-ha! (As they exchange the bundles.)

  NINETTE: Marvellous, darling!

  MALGRIM: (With mock modesty.) Oh – just one of a few amusing ideas I’ve had, my dear Ninette.

  NINETTE: (With enthusiasm.) What I adore about helping you, darling, is that you never stop having these brilliant original ideas – really lovely wicked plotting all the time. Anything else?

  MALGRIM: Yes. Stay behind and persuade him he needs a tankard of ale to give him courage – (He is moving to entrance R. carrying bundle from floor.)

  NINETTE: (Delighted.) And then you’ll send him some abominable potion –

  MALGRIM: (As he goes.) That’ll render him faint and dizzy – ha-ha-ha!

  Goes. More noises off. SAM returns, looking gloomier than ever.

  NINETTE: Sam – why so downcast?

  SAM: Lamison said the Princess wanted to speak to me – and I couldn’t even get into the Royal Box – not properly dressed.

  NINETTE: Wouldn’t you like me to buckle your armour for you, Sam dear?

  SAM: I’d like somebody to give me a hand but not you, Ninette dear.

  NINETTE: (All innocence.) You don’t trust me?

  SAM: (Gloomily.) I’m a chump but not that much of a chump.

  NINETTE: Oh – you are unfair. I’ve a good mind not to tell you about the special Tournament ale –

  SAM: (Hopefully.) Tournament ale?

  NINETTE: Brewed specially for competitors in tournaments. But of course it’s no use my offering to bring you some.

  SAM: Quite right.

  NINETTE: But perhaps if I ask the barmaid to bring you some –

  SAM: Barmaid? There isn’t a barmaid here –

  NINETTE: (As she goes.) Of course there is.

  She goes. Noise off again. This time we hear what seems to be a boxing referee – slowly ‘Six……Seven……Eight……Nine……Ten’ and the sound of a boxing bell. Again, a bleeding unconscious knight is carried through from L. to R..

  SAM has now opened the bundle of weapons etc. He gives the helmet a kick and dents it, to his astonishment and disgust. He tries the sword and at once bends it. In despair he leans on the spear and it begins to crack. All this amounts to a comic routine, needing careful timing and rehearsal. There should still be noises off. As he sits down in despair, the BARMAID from The Black Horse, exactly as we saw her before, enters carrying a pewter tankard.

  BARMAID: (In her usual toneless style.) One tournament ale.

  SAM: (Taking it.) Thanks.(Recognising her.) Oh – it’s you.

  BARMAID: That’s ri’. Turned out nice again.

  SAM: I wish it hadn’t. Well, I need this. (He empties the tankard in one long go.) Strong stuff. Bottle or barrel?

  BARMAID: Don’t ask me. That chap with a beard give it me for you – tricky bloke, I’d say –

  SAM: (Aghast.) Malgrim?

  BARMAID: That’s him. What’s up? All right, isn’t it?

  SAM: (Uneasily.) I don’t know yet. By the way, you haven’t seen Captain Plunket – y’know, the chap who ordered all the double Scotches –

  BARMAID: No. Is he here?

  SAM: He was.

  BARMAID: I s
aw Mr Sanderson. He’s offerin’ ten to one on the Red Knight. They say he’s bloody murder, that Red Knight.

  FIRST SOLDIER looks through flap at L..

  FIRST SOLDIER: You’re on next, chum. Ha-ha! (Withdraws.)

  SAM: (Groaning.) Help me on with this armour, will you?

  BARMAID: You’re not going out there, are you?

  SAM: (Groaning.) I have to.

  BARMAID: My gawd! Well, I don’t know which goes where – but I’ll do my best – you’ll need all this an’ more.

  Through this dialogue BARMAID, with some false starts, helps SAM to put on his armour.

  Not very thick an’ ’eavy, is it? They ought to do better for you than this, if you ask me. Proper tinny stuff, in’t it? I thought it’ud weigh tons.

  SAM: It did when I first brought it here.

  BARMAID: Perhaps somebody’s changed it. ’Ow yer feeling?

  SAM: Terrible.

  BARMAID: You don’t look a good colour. I wouldn’t stay out long if I was you –

  SAM: I don’t expect to. Haven’t got a couple of aspirins, have you?

  BARMAID: Sorry, I’m right out of ’em. Why don’t you have a nice lie down instead?

  SAM: I probably will.

  FIRST SOLDIER looks through flap again.

  FIRST SOLDIER: Which do you fancy – mounted or on foot, chum?

  SAM: (Gloomily.) On foot.

  FIRST SOLDIER: Quite right. ’Aven’t so far to fall. A minute to go, chum, then you’re on. And what a hope you’ve got!

  Withdraws. SAM now takes up his weapons and moves about a bit.

  BARMAID: I’ve seen all this on the pickshers – but I don’t fancy it somehow. Rather ’ave cowboys an’ Indians. Or them gangsters in night clubs. Of course this is more spectacular – if that’s what you fancy.

  SAM: (Who is probably trying to straighten sword.) It’s not what I fancy –

  A LOUD VOICE: (Off, L..) SIR SAM!

  SAM: (Miserably calling.) Coming.

  BARMAID: Well, you’ve got a knight’ood out of it, ’aven’t you? Best of luck, dearie, an’ just remember – there’ll always be an England.

  SAM: (Gloomily.) Thanks very much.

  He braces himself and strides out L.. Immediately there is a mixed outburst of cheering, booing, laughter etc. BARMAID peeps out through flap L.. MELICENT comes hurrying in R.. She is extremely agitated.