Roxana by Daniel Defoe
Amy was concern’d at it as well as I, but cou’d not help it; and tho’ it gave us great Uneasiness, yet as there was no Remedy, we were bound to make as little Noise of it as we cou’d, that it might go no farther: I bade Amy punish the Girl for it, and she did so, for she parted with her in a Huff, and told her, she shou’d see, she was not her Mother, for that she cou’d leave her just where she found her; and seeing she cou’d not be content to be serv’d by the Kindness of a Friend, but that she wou’d needs make a Mother of her, she wou’d for the future, be neither Mother or Friend; and so bid her go to Service again, and be a Drudge, as she was before.
The poor Girl cry’d most lamentably, but wou’d not be beaten out of it still; but that which dumfounded Amy more than all the rest, was, that when she had rated the poor Girl a long time, and cou’d not beat her out of it, and had, as I have observ’d, threaten’d to leave her; the Girl kept to what she said before, and put this Turn to it again; that she was sure, if Amy wa’n’t, my Lady Roxana was, her Mother; and that she wou’d go find her out; adding, that she made no doubt but she cou’d do it, for she knew where to enquire the Name of her new Husband.
Amy came home with this Piece of News in her Mouth, to me; I cou’d easily perceive when she came in, that she was mad in her Mind, and in a Rage at something or other, and was in great Pain to get it out; for when she came first in, my Husband was in the Room; however, Amy going up to undress her, I soon made an Excuse to follow her, and coming into the Room; What the D—1 is the Matter, Amy? says I; I am sure you have some bad News: News, says Amy, aloud, ay, so I have; I think the D—1 is in that young Wench, she’ll ruin us all, and herself too, there’s no quieting her: So she went on, and told me all the Particulars; but sure nothing was so astonish’d as I was, when she told me that the Girl knew I was marry’d; that she knew my Husband’s Name, and wou’d endeavour to find me out; I thought I shou’d have sunk down at the very Words; in the middle of all my Amazement, Amy starts up, and runs about the Room like a distracted body; I’ll put an End to it, that I will; I can’t bear it; I must murther her; I’ll kill her B—, and swears by her Maker, in the most serious Tone in the World; and then repeated it over three or four times, walking to-and-again in the Room; I will, in short, I will kill her, if there was not another Wench in the World.
Prethee hold thy Tongue, Amy, says I, why thou art mad; ay, so I am, says she, stark-mad, but I’ll be the Death of her for-all that, and then I shall be sober again: But you shan’t, says I, you shan’t hurt a Hair of her Head; why you ought to be hang’d for what you have done already; for having resolv’d on it, is doing it, as to the Guilt of the Fact; you are a Murtherer already, as much as if you had done it already.
I know that, says Amy, and it can be no worse; I’ll put you out of your Pain, and her too; she shall never challenge you for her Mother in this World, whatever she may in the next: Well, well, says I, be quiet, and do not talk thus, I can’t bear it; so she grew a little soberer after a-while.
I must acknowledge, the Notion of being discover’d, carried with it so many frightful Ideas, and hurry’d my Thoughts so much, that I was scarce myself, any more than Amy, so dreadful a thing is a Load of Guilt upon the Mind.
And yet when Amy began the second time, to talk thus abominably of killing the poor Child, of murthering her, and swore by her Maker that she wou’d, so that I began to see that she was in earnest, I was farther terrified a great deal, and it help’d to bring me to myself again in other Cases.
We laid our Heads together then, to see if it was possible to discover by what means she had learn’d to talk so, and how she (I mean my Girl) came to know that her Mother had marry’d a Husband; but it wou’d not do, the Girl wou’d acknowlege nothing, and gave but a very imperfect Account of things still, being disgusted to the last Degree with Amy’s leaving her so abruptly as she did.
Well, Amy went to the House where the Boy was, but it was all one; there they had only heard a confus’d Story of the Lady somebody, they knew not who, which this same Wench had told them, but they gave no heed to it at-all: Amy told them how foolishly the Girl had acted; and how she had carry’d on the Whimsie so far, in spight of all they cou’d say to her; that she had taken it so ill, she wou’d see her no more, and so she might e’en go to Service again if she wou’d, for she (Amy) wou’d have nothing to do with her, unless she humbled herself, and chang’d her Note, and that quickly too.
The good old Gentleman who had been the Benefactor to them all, was greatly concern’d at it, and the good Woman his Wife was griev’d beyond all expressing, and begg’d her Ladyship, meaning Amy, not to resent it, they promis’d too, they would talk with her about it; and the old Gentlewoman added, with some Astonishment, Sure she cannot be such a Fool but she will be prevail’d with to hold her Tongue, when she has it from your own Mouth, that you are not her Mother, and sees that it disobliges your Ladyship to have her insist upon it; and so Amy came away, with some Expectation that it wou’d be stopp’d here.
But the Girl was such a Fool for-all that, and persisted in it obstinately, notwithstanding all they cou’d say to her; nay, her Sister begg’d and intreated her not to play the Fool, for that it wou’d ruin her too; and that the Lady (meaning Amy) wou’d abandon them both.
Well, notwithstanding this, she insisted, I say, upon it, and which was worse, the longer it lasted, the more she began to drop Amy’s Ladyship, and wou’d have it, that the Lady Roxana was her Mother; and that she had made some Enquiries about it, and did not doubt but she shou’d find her out.
When it was come to this, and we found there was nothing to be done with the Girl, but that she was so obstinately bent upon the Search after me, that she ventur’d to forfeit all she had in view; I say, when I found it was come to this, I began to be more serious in my Preparations of my going beyond-Sea; and particularly, it gave me some reason to fear that there was something in it; but the following Accident put me beside all my Measures, and struck me into the greatest Confusion that ever I was in, in my Life.
I was so near going Abroad, that my Spouse and I had taken Measures for our going-off; and because I wou’d be sure not to go too publick, but so as to take away all Possibility of being seen, I had made some Exception to my Spouse against going in the ordinary publick Passage-Boats; my Pretence to him, was, the promiscuous310 Crowds in those Vessels; want of Convenience, and the like; so he took the Hint, and found me out an English Merchant-Ship, which was bound for Rotterdam, and getting soon acquainted with the Master, he hir’d his whole Ship, that is to say, his Great-Cabbin, for I do not mean his Ship for Freight; that so we had all the Conveniences possible, for our Passage; and all things being near ready, he brought home the Captain one Day to Dinner with him, that I might see him, and be acquainted a little with him; so we came, after Dinner, to talk of the Ship, and the Conveniences on-board, and the Captain press’d me earnestly to come on-board, and see the Ship, intimating, That he wou’d treat us as well as he cou’d; and in Discourse I happen’d to say, I hop’d he had no other Passengers; he said, No, he had not; but, he said, his Wife had courted him a good-while to let her go over to Holland with him, for he always us’d that Trade, but he never cou’d think of venturing all he had in one Bottom; but if I went with him, he thought to take her and her Kinswoman along with him this Voyage, that they might both wait upon me; and so added, that if we wou’d do him the Honour to Dine on-board the next Day, he wou’d bring his Wife on-board, the better to make us welcome.
Who now cou’d have believ’d the Devil had any Snare at the Bottom of all this? or that I was in any Danger on such an Occasion, so remote and out of the way as this was? But the Event was the oddest that cou’d be thought of: As it happen’d, Amy was not at-home when we accepted this Invitation, and so she was left out of the Company; but instead of Amy, we took our honest, good-humour’d, never-to-be-omitted Friend the QUAKER, one of the best Creatures that ever liv’d, sure; and who, besides a thousand good Qualities unmix’d with one bad
But judge you what an unaccountable Surprize I must be in, when I came on-board the Ship, and was brought into the Captain’s Cabbin, or, what they call it, the Great-Cabbin of the Ship, to see his Lady or Wife, and another young Person with her, who, when I came to see her near-hand, was my old Cook-Maid in the Pallmall, and as appear’d by the Sequel of the Story, was neither more or less, than my own Daughter; that I knew her, was out of Doubt; for tho’ she had not had Opportunity to see me very often, yet I had often seen her, as I must needs, being in my own Family so long.
If ever I had need of Courage, and a full Presence of Mind, it was now; it was the only valuable Secret in the World to me; all depended upon this Occasion; if the Girl knew me, I was undone; and to discover312 any Surprize or Disorder, had been to make her know me, or guess it, and discover herself.313
I was once going to feign a swooning, and faint-away, and so falling on the Ground, or Floor, put them all into a Hurry and Fright, and by that means get an Opportunity to be continually holding something to my Nose to smell to, and so hold my Hand, or my Handkerchief, or both, before my Mouth; then pretend I cou’d not bear the Smell of the Ship, or the closeness of the Cabbin; but that wou’d have been only to remove into a clearer Air upon the Quarter-Deck, where we shou’d with it, have had a clearer Light too; and if I had pretended the Smell of the Ship, it wou’d have serv’d only to have carry’d us all on-Shoar, to the Captain’s House, which was hard-by; for the Ship lay so close, to the Shore, that we only walk’d over a Plank to go on-board, and over another Ship which lay within her;314 so this not appearing feasible, and the Thought not being two Minutes old, there was no time; for the two Ladies rise up, and we saluted, so that I was bound to come so near my Girl, as to kiss her, which I wou’d not have done, had it been possible to have avoided it; but there was no room to escape.
I cannot but take Notice here, that notwithstanding there was a secret Horror upon my Mind, and I was ready to sink when I came close to her, to salute her; yet it was a secret inconceivable Pleasure to me when I kiss’d her, to know that I kiss’d my own Child; my own Flesh and Blood, born of my Body; and who I had never kiss’d since I took the fatal Farewel of them all, with a Million of Tears, and a Heart almost dead with Grief, when Amy and the Good Woman took them all away, and went with them to Spittle-Fields;. No Pen can describe, no Words can express, I say, the strange Impression which this thing made upon my Spirits; I felt something shoot thro’ my Blood; my Heart flutter’d; my Head flash’d, and was dizzy, and all within me, as I thought, turn’d about, and much ado I had, not to abandon myself to an Excess of Passion at the first Sight of her, much more when my Lips touch’d her Face; I thought I must have taken her in my Arms, and kiss’d her again a thousand times, whether I wou’d or no.
But I rous’d up my Judgment, and shook it off, and with infinite Uneasiness in my Mind, I sat down: You will not wonder, if upon this Surprize I was not conversible for some Minutes, and that the Disorder had almost discover’d itself; I had a Complication of severe things upon me; I cou’d not conceal my Disorder without the utmost Difficulty; and yet upon my concealing it, depended the whole of my Prosperity; so I us’d all manner of Violence with myself, to prevent the Mischief which was at the Door.
Well, I saluted her; but as I went first forward to the Captain’s Lady, who was at the farther-end of the Cabbin, towards the Light, I had the Occasion offer’d, to stand with my Back to the Light, when I turn’d about to her, who stood more on my Left-hand, so that she had not a fair Sight of me, tho’ I was so near her; I trembled, and knew neither what I did, or said; I was in the utmost Extremity, between so many particular Circumstances as lay upon me; for I was to conceal my Disorder from every-body, at the utmost Peril, and at the same time expected every-body wou’d discern it; I was to expect she wou’d discover that she knew me, and yet was, by all means possible, to prevent it; I was to conceal myself, if possible, and yet had not the least room to do any-thing towards it; in short, there was no retreat; no shifting anything off; no avoiding or preventing her having a full Sight of me; nor was there any counterfeiting my Voice, for then my Husband wou’d have perceiv’d it; in short, there was not the least Circumstance that offer’d me any Assistance, or any favourable thing to help me in this Exigence.
After I had been upon the Rack for near half an Hour, during which, I appear’d stiff and reserv’d, and a little too formal; my Spouse and the Captain fell into Discourses about the Ship, and the Sea, and Business remote from us Women, and by-and-by the Captain carry’d him out upon the Quarter-Deck, and left us all by ourselves, in the Great-Cabbin: Then we began to be a little freer one with another, and I began to be a little reviv’d, by a sudden Fancy of my own, namely, I thought I perceiv’d that the Girl did not know me; and the chief Reason of my having such a Notion, was, because I did not perceive the least Disorder in her Countenance, or the least Change in her Carriage; no Confusion, no Hesitation in her Discourse; nor, which I had my Eye particularly upon, did I observe that she fix’d her Eyes much upon me, that is to say, not singling me out to look steddily at me, as I thought wou’d have been the Case; but that she rather singl’d out my Friend the QUAKER, and chatted with her on several things; but I observ’d too, that it was all about indifferent Matters.
This greatly encourag’d me, and I began to be a little chearful; but I was knock’d down again as with a Thunder-Clap, when turning to the Captain’s Wife, and discoursing of me, she said to her, Sister, I cannot but think my Lady to be very much like such a Person, then she nam’d the Person; and the Captain’s Wife said, she thought so too; the Girl reply’d again, she was sure she had seen me before, but she cou’d not recollect where; I answer’d, (tho’ her Speech was not directed to me) That I fancy’d she had not seen me before, in England, but ask’d, if she had liv’d in Holland, She said, No, no, she had never been out of England; and I added, That she cou’d not then have known me in England, unless it was very lately, for I had liv’d at Rotterdam a great while: This carry’d me out of that Part of the Broil, pretty well; and to make it go off the better, when a little Dutch Boy came into the Cabbin, who belong’d to the Captain, and who I easily perceiv’d to be Dutch, I jested, and talk’d Dutch to him, and was merry about the Boy, that is to say, as merry as the Consternation I was still in, wou’d let me be.
However, I began to be thorowly convinc’d by this time, that the Girl did not know me, which was an infinite Satisfaction to me; or, at least, that tho’ she had some Notion of me, yet that she did not think any-thing about my being who I was, and which perhaps, she wou’d have been as glad to have known, as I wou’d have been surpriz’d if she had; indeed it was evident, that had she suspected any-thing of the Truth, she would not have been able to have conceal’d it.
Thus this Meeting went off, and, you may be sure, I was resolv’d, if once I got off of it, she should never see me again, to revive her Fancy; but I was mistaken there too, as you shall hear. After we had been on-board, the Captain’s Lady carry’d us home to her House, which was but just on-shore, and treated us there again, very handsomely, and made us promise that we wou’d come again and see her before we went, to c
It is hardly possible for me to conceive what wou’d have been our Part in this Affair, had my Woman Amy gone with me on-board this Ship; it had certainly blown-up the whole Affair, and I must for-ever after have been this Girl’s Vassal, that is to say, have let her into the Secret, and trusted to her keeping it too, or have been expos’d, and undone; the very Thought fill’d me with Horror.
But I was not so unhappy neither, as it fell out, for Amy was not with us, and that was my Deliverance indeed; yet we had another Chance to get over still: As I resolv’d to put off the Voyage, so I resolv’d to put off the Visit, you may be sure’;, going upon this Principle, namely, that I was fix’d in it, that the Girl had seen her last of me, and shou’d never see me more.
However, to bring myself well off, and withal to see (if I cou’d) a little farther into the Matter, I sent my Friend, the QUAKER, to the Captain’s Lady, to make the Visit promis’d, and to make my Excuse that I cou’d not possibly wait on her, for that I was very much out of Order; and in the end of the Discourse, I bade her insinuate to them, that she was afraid I shou’d not be able to get ready to go the Voyage, so soon as the Captain wou’d be oblig’d to go; and that perhaps we might put it off to his next Voyage: I did not let the QUAKER into any other Reason for it, than that I was indispos’d; and not knowing what other Face to put upon that Part, I made her believe that I thought I was a-breeding.