Silence by Jeff Munnis
Michael caught my arms
and we fell into the sand
everything tinted red by the brake lights
I couldn’t hear or speak
Everything stopped except a swirl of dust
that fell in front of the lights
Henry stared at me
Michael got up and brushed sand off his chest
He reached down and cradled my head
put his other hand over my neck and lifted me slowly
while Donna and Eddie held my arms
They were so much taller
my feet barely touched the ground
as they walked me to the front of the car
Donna went to the driver’s side and turned off the car lights
Henry didn’t move
She came back
stood in front of me and called me a prick
while Eddie and Michael held tight
She backed away
I tried to break their grip
My right arm was pulled up behind me
and my left hand was clenched at my chest
I don’t know why I held my shirt closed
Michael let go and stepped back
I stood for a moment
my shoulders sagged and I fell forward
I held on to my shirt and went face down to the ground
I couldn’t feel my right arm
Eddie and Michael stood for a moment breathing heavy
Powdery sand filled my nose
I held my breath
I heard them get in the car and close the doors
My head swelled with sand and warm sticky wetness
I felt shells on my cheeks and the hard coquina rock
I saw Donna pick up her shoes and get in the back seat
then I heard them pull onto Garden Street and go west
Henry walked out from behind the cattails
stopped about three steps from my face
I stared out at the sand
My legs twitched while Henry circled my body
I tried to talk
my eyes wouldn’t blink
He moved sideways toward some pine trees
Each step a little faster
until he turned to run toward his boat and the river
My stomach cramped and I felt my skin stretch over my ribs
but no breath
my ears were vibrating and cold
Darkness began to fill in around my eyes
I heard shuffling in the weeds and the brush of canvas on my face
Two hands lifted me and the sand fell out of my nose into my mouth
A flash of light
The air burned as it passed over the sand in my throat
I felt sand in my ear
My body twisted inside the canvas and everything went black
(numb hands)
I opened my eyes and stared down at Henry
his back arched
and swayed from side to side
as he carried a canvas tarp
Feet dangled out the end
I recognized my shoes
one set of laces untied
He walked toward a small boat
that sat on a narrow strip of sand
small waves made no sound
His t-shirt was dark with sweat
he struggled through the weeds
kicked the sand and shells out in front of him
The river was dark next to the glow of the sand
Shadows and weeds were gray
I could not feel my body as I stared down
tried to take a breath
Nothing
But my head was clear
No sand in my nose
Coolness filled me as I watched Henry carry my body
My ears burned
I felt the canvas
smelled the seaweed
the wood bottom of the boat
I felt Henry push the boat into the water
the sag when he stepped in
and I left my body again
The motor started
the blue Ford sign
I searched for the river
Henry steered the boat into the darkness
I drifted behind him like a loose sail
closed my eyes and felt the thump of waves against the bottom of the boat
I could smell the damp wind
my skin was raw from the sand and canvas
Grit dribbled out of my mouth with spit
I drifted
to a dream
looked down on the wake
glowing in the dim light from shore
(into the mud)
The boat moved steadily north to lights
that hung like tongues of fire on the railroad bridge
Beams of creosote and tar painted spikes
covered with small crabs and barnacles
Voices spoke above the rails
some whispered
some sang a melody
that faded after Henry’s boat passed under a concrete arch
I watched Henry sit silent
his massive gray arm on his knee
his right hand on the motor handle
The sound of the motor a steady drone
while the boat clapped hard against the larger waves beyond the bridge
He pointed the bow toward a dark mass of palm trees
where the wind rustled dry fronds
I knew the place
the smell
the sound of glass bottles
the pale boy who rocked back and forth
under the leaves of a Brazilian Pepper shrub
He died without fear
He did not know he would not become
the one he wanted to be
I saw him smile as he lay on the shore
The blood fanned out from his foot to form the roots of a red tree
Henry stepped into the mud and dragged the boat over his image
then disappeared in a narrow opening in the weeds
I felt the canvas loosen when Henry lifted me
I choked on spit
He put me on the grass
I stared at the boy under the boat
blood filled my eyes
Henry spoke softly What has your daddy done
This morning I’m going to bury you in the grove if you die
I turned just enough to see him and open my mouth
I swallowed the boy the blood the mud
the salt from the river
He carried me to the house in the quiet morning air
and whispered Sarah Sarah Sarah
until a light came on
Sarah and Julia stood in white nightgowns their hair pulled back
They watched as Henry climbed up the steps
My eyes burned with light and tears
fire burned through my body
and blood dripped from my elbow onto the floor
Julia took the sleeve of her nightgown and touched my eyes
No more words or sounds
the roof of the house appeared below me
Light on the grass
I perched high
a disembodied sentinel
where the air cut and seared
and I remembered the knife on my neck
I dropped just as I had fallen
face first
where every breath was thick
(the island mud)
I sat on the roof unwilling to leave my body in the house
The night sky blended into palm leaves and orange trees
Stars like blurred drops of water
I felt my canvas skin
against the bedsheet
the heat of my blood
My night voyage held by invisible cords
The bodies below were afraid of me
in my passive form
under a single bulb of light
afraid I would die in front of them
only to re-enter the womb
of a woman joined by blood and semen to my father
The murdered with the murderer
joined by a violent kiss
A future incarnately black as salt water
I could smell and feel the waves
the bottom of a wooden boat
that plowed through the waves
the pulse of my heartbeat
the bow like my forehead
eyelids shut
blood pushed through my body
like a sheet of water rippling through a swamp
soaked in red water with green sediment
blue air thick with salt
orange sugar morning dew
The ice cut ring on my neck burned
and stuck to frayed edges of the sheet
My neck pulsed
my arms and legs heavy as stone pillars
Alan would be looking at me
and tell me how each cut
each punch
each blow
was an incident unto itself
no one to blame but the victim
and the victim caught on an island of his own misdeeds
there might I go except for grace
which somehow validates my life the way it is
unquestioned and unconquered are my distinction
you dear son are caught in your own web of senseless destruction
you crave the relationship that drags you down into the sand
the connection that links you with everything wrong-minded
about how the world works
You can’t escape because you believe you belong right where you are
that the world is perfect
I will not drag you out of your own mud I will bury you in it
I float on the river my eyes pointed toward stars
my arms and legs liquid
surrounding the mud of an island
I sink into the sand and shell
like a pillar of salt
that blends into waves
The numberless cords that hold me are cut
and I drift away
the island left to erode
into bottom mud
algae salt grass seaweed
crab claws tinsel fish
corpses float silver green
crusted shells in a quarry of broken lime rock
(until now)
I felt her resolve
when Henry unwrapped the canvas
set me down on the bed
She held my head down to the pillow
lifted my sand-filled legs and set them flat
The light
I closed my eyes and tried to swallow
They gave me water and spoke in tongues
about me about the car
the boat ride up the river
God’s will
Sarah pulled me close to her
The smell of her skin
the moist touch
and the pure embrace of her care
I felt her spirit hover over my bed in the dark
She looked into my eyes
her hands held my face
Julia
Sarah saw my longing
Yes I was deaf and blind
The night was a thick fortress around me
No words
The light the silence
Let my ears hear the silence thunder down
Dark leaves tree trunks
with veins that reached deep into salt water
the air filled sleep
the fragrance of Sarah and Julia
Fill me with a million stars and a blur of light
with the glisten of the waves at night
###END###
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and we fell into the sand
everything tinted red by the brake lights
I couldn’t hear or speak
Everything stopped except a swirl of dust
that fell in front of the lights
Henry stared at me
Michael got up and brushed sand off his chest
He reached down and cradled my head
put his other hand over my neck and lifted me slowly
while Donna and Eddie held my arms
They were so much taller
my feet barely touched the ground
as they walked me to the front of the car
Donna went to the driver’s side and turned off the car lights
Henry didn’t move
She came back
stood in front of me and called me a prick
while Eddie and Michael held tight
She backed away
I tried to break their grip
My right arm was pulled up behind me
and my left hand was clenched at my chest
I don’t know why I held my shirt closed
Michael let go and stepped back
I stood for a moment
my shoulders sagged and I fell forward
I held on to my shirt and went face down to the ground
I couldn’t feel my right arm
Eddie and Michael stood for a moment breathing heavy
Powdery sand filled my nose
I held my breath
I heard them get in the car and close the doors
My head swelled with sand and warm sticky wetness
I felt shells on my cheeks and the hard coquina rock
I saw Donna pick up her shoes and get in the back seat
then I heard them pull onto Garden Street and go west
Henry walked out from behind the cattails
stopped about three steps from my face
I stared out at the sand
My legs twitched while Henry circled my body
I tried to talk
my eyes wouldn’t blink
He moved sideways toward some pine trees
Each step a little faster
until he turned to run toward his boat and the river
My stomach cramped and I felt my skin stretch over my ribs
but no breath
my ears were vibrating and cold
Darkness began to fill in around my eyes
I heard shuffling in the weeds and the brush of canvas on my face
Two hands lifted me and the sand fell out of my nose into my mouth
A flash of light
The air burned as it passed over the sand in my throat
I felt sand in my ear
My body twisted inside the canvas and everything went black
(numb hands)
I opened my eyes and stared down at Henry
his back arched
and swayed from side to side
as he carried a canvas tarp
Feet dangled out the end
I recognized my shoes
one set of laces untied
He walked toward a small boat
that sat on a narrow strip of sand
small waves made no sound
His t-shirt was dark with sweat
he struggled through the weeds
kicked the sand and shells out in front of him
The river was dark next to the glow of the sand
Shadows and weeds were gray
I could not feel my body as I stared down
tried to take a breath
Nothing
But my head was clear
No sand in my nose
Coolness filled me as I watched Henry carry my body
My ears burned
I felt the canvas
smelled the seaweed
the wood bottom of the boat
I felt Henry push the boat into the water
the sag when he stepped in
and I left my body again
The motor started
the blue Ford sign
I searched for the river
Henry steered the boat into the darkness
I drifted behind him like a loose sail
closed my eyes and felt the thump of waves against the bottom of the boat
I could smell the damp wind
my skin was raw from the sand and canvas
Grit dribbled out of my mouth with spit
I drifted
to a dream
looked down on the wake
glowing in the dim light from shore
(into the mud)
The boat moved steadily north to lights
that hung like tongues of fire on the railroad bridge
Beams of creosote and tar painted spikes
covered with small crabs and barnacles
Voices spoke above the rails
some whispered
some sang a melody
that faded after Henry’s boat passed under a concrete arch
I watched Henry sit silent
his massive gray arm on his knee
his right hand on the motor handle
The sound of the motor a steady drone
while the boat clapped hard against the larger waves beyond the bridge
He pointed the bow toward a dark mass of palm trees
where the wind rustled dry fronds
I knew the place
the smell
the sound of glass bottles
the pale boy who rocked back and forth
under the leaves of a Brazilian Pepper shrub
He died without fear
He did not know he would not become
the one he wanted to be
I saw him smile as he lay on the shore
The blood fanned out from his foot to form the roots of a red tree
Henry stepped into the mud and dragged the boat over his image
then disappeared in a narrow opening in the weeds
I felt the canvas loosen when Henry lifted me
I choked on spit
He put me on the grass
I stared at the boy under the boat
blood filled my eyes
Henry spoke softly What has your daddy done
This morning I’m going to bury you in the grove if you die
I turned just enough to see him and open my mouth
I swallowed the boy the blood the mud
the salt from the river
He carried me to the house in the quiet morning air
and whispered Sarah Sarah Sarah
until a light came on
Sarah and Julia stood in white nightgowns their hair pulled back
They watched as Henry climbed up the steps
My eyes burned with light and tears
fire burned through my body
and blood dripped from my elbow onto the floor
Julia took the sleeve of her nightgown and touched my eyes
No more words or sounds
the roof of the house appeared below me
Light on the grass
I perched high
a disembodied sentinel
where the air cut and seared
and I remembered the knife on my neck
I dropped just as I had fallen
face first
where every breath was thick
(the island mud)
I sat on the roof unwilling to leave my body in the house
The night sky blended into palm leaves and orange trees
Stars like blurred drops of water
I felt my canvas skin
against the bedsheet
the heat of my blood
My night voyage held by invisible cords
The bodies below were afraid of me
in my passive form
under a single bulb of light
afraid I would die in front of them
of a woman joined by blood and semen to my father
The murdered with the murderer
joined by a violent kiss
A future incarnately black as salt water
I could smell and feel the waves
the bottom of a wooden boat
that plowed through the waves
the pulse of my heartbeat
the bow like my forehead
eyelids shut
blood pushed through my body
like a sheet of water rippling through a swamp
soaked in red water with green sediment
blue air thick with salt
orange sugar morning dew
The ice cut ring on my neck burned
and stuck to frayed edges of the sheet
My neck pulsed
my arms and legs heavy as stone pillars
Alan would be looking at me
and tell me how each cut
each punch
each blow
was an incident unto itself
no one to blame but the victim
and the victim caught on an island of his own misdeeds
there might I go except for grace
which somehow validates my life the way it is
unquestioned and unconquered are my distinction
you dear son are caught in your own web of senseless destruction
you crave the relationship that drags you down into the sand
the connection that links you with everything wrong-minded
about how the world works
You can’t escape because you believe you belong right where you are
that the world is perfect
I will not drag you out of your own mud I will bury you in it
I float on the river my eyes pointed toward stars
my arms and legs liquid
surrounding the mud of an island
I sink into the sand and shell
like a pillar of salt
that blends into waves
The numberless cords that hold me are cut
and I drift away
the island left to erode
into bottom mud
algae salt grass seaweed
crab claws tinsel fish
corpses float silver green
crusted shells in a quarry of broken lime rock
(until now)
I felt her resolve
when Henry unwrapped the canvas
set me down on the bed
She held my head down to the pillow
lifted my sand-filled legs and set them flat
The light
I closed my eyes and tried to swallow
They gave me water and spoke in tongues
about me about the car
the boat ride up the river
God’s will
Sarah pulled me close to her
The smell of her skin
the moist touch
and the pure embrace of her care
I felt her spirit hover over my bed in the dark
She looked into my eyes
her hands held my face
Julia
Sarah saw my longing
Yes I was deaf and blind
The night was a thick fortress around me
No words
The light the silence
Let my ears hear the silence thunder down
Dark leaves tree trunks
with veins that reached deep into salt water
the air filled sleep
the fragrance of Sarah and Julia
Fill me with a million stars and a blur of light
with the glisten of the waves at night
###END###