Smite Me, Oh Dark One by Steve Thomas
***
On one hand, I was glad to be away from all the other gods. I’ve had enough of those sycophants. That’s why I chose to make a new home surrounded by goblins who worship me. The first item of business was to not destroy the world. I made a great deal of progress there. In the first few years of my stay, I didn’t kill anything. I did, however, convince the goblins to build me a tower. I expected that it would take decades to build, but I’m patient.
Living in the swamplands was much different than the Celestial Realm. So much more real. The Wandering Goblin-Traps can’t distinguish gods from goblins, and neither could any other monster. But I still had my powers to drive them away when I wanted. Sometimes, I let them bite me just to see what it was like to live as a mortal. It was terrifying, and made me feel alive. Well maybe not terrifying, because I was invincible. But it was a real experience.
I decided that I could at least warn everyone that I was scheduled to kill them. I started with the goblins, and noticed an uptick in “No More Smiting” graffiti. They carved the phrase into their wheat fields, too, just in case Lux and Friends needed help getting the message. I may have also rearranged a few islands to spell out the words for them.
I wanted to get the hardest part over with next, so I traveled to the land of the Elves. Lux’ people. If I could convince them to defend themselves from divine wrath, then I could convince anyone.
I was barely inside their forest when I got shot in the face by an arrow. It didn’t actually hurt me on account of the whole god thing, but still. It was very disrespectful. “Oh, come on!” I shouted to no one in particular. Another arrow. I made sure to suppress the instinct to fall back and spin around after this one hit me, so the fletching would still point toward the archer.
I didn’t like using my god magic on mortals, but these were Lux’ people after all. And technically immortal. I waited until I heard the sound of a bow being drawn, then I sucked all the light out of the forest. “Argh!” someone said.
I turned the lights back on, and between the sound and the fletching, I found the Elf. He was standing on a tree branch thinner than his waist. Well, to say he was standing gives him too much credit. He was more pinned to the tree via an arrow through the foot.
“Treacherous lighting conditions we’re having today,” I said with a tip of the hat.
“The light of Lux sees not the darkness,” said the Elf reverently. I couldn’t argue with that. If anything could see the darkness, someone would have to rewrite the dictionary.
“Look, do you have a king or something? I have something very important to tell him.”
The Elf stared at me and his bug-eyes went wide. “I know who you are,” he said. “You are Acerbus, enemy of Lux. It is foretold that you will be the destroyer of us all. Have you come to smite us? Smite me, please, oh dark smiter.” He shot me again, this time through the leg.
“I’m starting to consider it,” I said as I coaxed a barbed hunting arrow out of my thigh. “But the smiting isn’t scheduled for another few centuries. If you see your king, can you at least tell him that I stopped by? If he wants to talk about the whole apocalypse situation, have him visit Goblin Country, and maybe we can work out a deal.”
“I shall relay your challenge presently,” said the Elf. He was struggling with an arrow himself, now. I wonder if Lux designed their toes to grow back.
“It’s not a challenge. It’s a warning about the future.”
“Strong words from a churlish god cast down from the heavens.” Now he was hanging upside down, even with the arrow through his foot. Something didn’t look physically possible about that.
“Just pass the message along.”
The Elf broke into a serenade of “Hail Acerbus, Doom of the World.” I left the forest.
At least I tried to warn them.