Something Rotten by Jasper Fforde

  'You can take the pedestrian footbridge over there. Thank you!'

  The couple grumbled and muttered a bit to themselves, but got up nonetheless, walked slowly up the steps to the footbridge and began to cross. As I watched their forms became more and more indistinct until they vanished completely. I shivered and looked by way of comfort towards the living world and the motorway. I could dimly make out the M4 streaming with rush-hour traffic, the headlights shining and sparkling on the rain-soaked asphalt. The living, heading home to meet their loved ones. What in God's name was I doing here?

  I was diverted from my thoughts by Spike, who nudged me in the ribs and pointed. On the far side of the cafeteria was a frail old man who was sitting by himself at a table. I'd seen President Formby once or twice before but not for about a decade. According to Dad he would die of natural causes in six days, and it wouldn't be unkind to say that he looked about ready. He was painfully thin and his eyes appeared to be sunken into his sockets. His teeth, so much a trademark, more protruding than ever. A lifetime's entertaining can be punishing, a half-lifetime in politics doubly so. He was hanging on to keep Kaine from power, and by the look of it he was losing and knew it.

  I moved to get up but Spike murmured:

  'We might be too late. Look at his table.'

  There was a '33' sign in front of him. I felt Spike tense and lower his shoulders, as though he had seen someone he recognised but didn't want them to see him.

  'Thursday,' he whispered, 'get the President to my car by whatever means you can before the waitress gets back. I have to take care of something. I'll see you outside '

  'What? Hey, Spike!'

  But he was away, moving slowly among the lost souls milling around the newsagent until he was gone from sight. I took a deep breath, got up and crossed to Formby's table.

  'Hullo, young lady!' said the President. 'Where are me bodyguards?'

  'I've no time to explain, Mr President, but you need to come with me.'

  'Oh well,' he said agreeably, 'if you say so – but I've just ordered pie and chips. Could eat a horse and probably will, too!'

  He grinned and laughed weakly.

  'We must go,' I urged. 'I will explain everything, I promise!'

  'But I've already paid—!'

  'Table thirty-three?' said the waitress, who had crept up behind me.

  'That's us,' replied the President cheerfully.

  'There's been a problem with your order. You're going to have to leave for the moment, but we'll keep it hot for you.'

  I breathed a sigh of relief. He wasn't meant to be dead and the staff knew it.

  'Now can we go?'

  'I'm not leaving until I get a refund,' he said stubbornly.

  'Your life is in danger, Mr President.'

  'Been in danger many times, young lady, but I'm not leaving till I get my ten bob back.'

  'I will pay it,' I replied, 'now let's get out of here.'

  I heaved him to his feet and walked him to the exit. As we pushed open the doors and stumbled out, three disreputable-looking men appeared from the shadows. They were all armed.

  'Well, well!' said the first man, who was dressed in a very tired and battered SpecOps uniform. He had stubble, oily hair and was pale to the point of cadaverous. In one hand he held an aged SpecOps-issue revolver, and the other was planted firmly on the top of his head. 'Looks like we've got some live ones here!'

  'Drop your gun,' said the second.

  'You'll live to regret this,' I told him, but realised the stupidity of the comment as soon as I had said it.

  'Way too late for that!' he replied. 'Your gun, if you please.'

  I complied and he grabbed Formby and took him back inside while the first man picked up my gun and put it in his pocket.

  'Now you,' he said, 'inside. We've got a little trading to do and time is fleeting.'

  I didn't know where Spike was but he had sensed the danger, that much was certain. I supposed he had a plan, and if I delayed, perhaps it would help.

  'What do you want?'

  'Nothing much.' The man who had his hand pressed firmly on his head laughed. 'Just. . . your soul.'

  'Looks like a good one, too,' said the third man, who was holding some sort of humming meter and pointing it in my direction, 'lots of life in this one. The old man has only six days to run – we won't get a lot for that.'

  I didn't like the sound of this, not one little bit.

  'Move,' said the first man, indicating the doors.

  'Where to?'

  'Northside.'

  'Over my dead body.'

  'That's the po—'

  The third man didn't finish his sentence. His upper torso exploded into a thousand dried fragments that smelled of mouldy vegetables. The first man whirled round and fired in the direction of the cafeteria but I seized the opportunity and ran back into the car park to take cover behind a parked car. After a few moments I peered cautiously round. Spike was inside, trading shots with the first man, who was pinned behind the presidential Bentley, still with his hand on his head. I cursed myself for giving up my weapon, but as I stared at the scene, the night-time, the motorway services, a sense of déjà vu welled up inside me. No, it was stronger than that – I had been here before, during a leap through time nearly three years ago. I witnessed the jeopardy I was in and left a gun for myself. I looked around. Behind me a man and a woman – Bowden and myself, in point of fact – were jumping into a Speedster – my Speedster. I smiled and dropped to my knees, feeling under the car tyre for the weapon. My hands closed around the automatic and I flicked off the safety catch and moved from the car, firing as I went. The first man saw me and ran for cover among the milling crowds, who scattered, terrified. I cautiously entered the now seemingly deserted services and rejoined Spike just inside the doorway of the shop. We had a commanding view of the stairs to the connecting bridge; no one was going northside without passing us. I dropped the magazine out of my automatic and reloaded.

  'The tall guy is Chesney, my ex-partner from SO-17,' announced Spike as he reloaded his shotgun. 'The necktie covers the decapitation wound I gave him. He has to hold his head to stop it falling off

  'Ah. I wondered why he was doing that. But losing his head – that makes him dead, right?'

  'Usually. He must be bribing the gateway guardians or something. It's my guess he's running some sort of soul reclamation scam.'

  'Wait, wait,' I said, 'slow down. Your ex-partner Chesney – who is dead – is now running a service pulling souls out of the netherworld?'

  'Looks like it. Death doesn't care about personalities – he's more interested in meeting quotas. After all, one departed soul is very like another.'

  'So—'

  'Right. Chesney swaps the soul of someone deceased for someone healthy and living.'

  'I'd say you're shitting me but I've got a feeling you're not.' 'I wish I was. Nice little earner, I'm sure. It looks like that's where Formby's driver Mallory went. Okay, here's the plan: we'll do a hostage swap for the President and once you're in their custody I'll get Formby to safety and return for you.'

  'I've got a better idea,' I replied, 'how about we swap you for Formby and I go to get help?'

  'I thought you knew all about the underworld from your bosom pal Orpheus?' countered Spike with a trace of annoyance.

  'It was highlights over coffee – and anyway, you've done it before. What was that about an inflatable boat from Argos to paddle yourself to the underworld?'

  'Well,' said Spike slowly, 'that was more of a hypothetical journey, really.'

  'You haven't a clue what you're doing, have you?'

  'No. But for ten grand, I'm willing to take a few risks.'

  We didn't have time to argue further as several shots came our way. There was a frightened scream from a customer as one of the bullets reduced a magazine shelf to confetti. Before I knew it Spike had fired his shotgun into the ceiling, where it destroyed a light fixture in a shower of bright sparks.

  'Who
shot at us?' asked Spike. 'Did you see?'

  'I think it's fair to say that it wasn't the light fixture.'

  'I had to shoot at something. Cover me.'

  He jumped up and fired. I joined him, fool that I was. I had thought that being out of my depth was okay because Spike vaguely knew what he was doing. Now that I was certain this was not the case, escape seemed a very good option indeed. After firing several shots ineffectively down the corridor, we stopped and dropped back round the corner.

  'Chesney!' shouted Spike. 'I want to talk to you!'

  'What do you want here?' came a voice. 'This is my patch!'

  'Let's have a head-to-head,' replied Spike, stifling a giggle. 'I'm sure we can come to some sort of arrangement!'

  There was a pause, then Chesney's voice rang out again:

  'Hold your fire. We're coming out.'

  Chesney stepped out into the open, just next to the children's helicopter ride and a Coriolanus Will-Speak machine. His remaining henchman joined him, holding the President.

  'Hello, Spike,' said Chesney. He was a tall man who looked as though he didn't have a drop of liquid blood in his entire body. 'I haven't forgiven you for killing me.'

  'I kill vampires for a living, Dave. You became one – I had to.'

  'Had to?'

  'Sure. You were about to sink your teeth into an eighteen-year-old virgin's neck and turn her into a lifeless husk willing to do your every bidding.'

  'Everyone should have a hobby.'

  'Train sets I tolerate,' Spike replied, 'spreading the seed of vampirism I do not.'

  He nodded towards Chesney's neck.

  'Nasty scratch you have there.'

  'Very funny. What's the deal?'

  'Simple. I want President Formby back.'

  'And in return?'

  Spike turned the shotgun towards me.

  'I give you Thursday. She's got bags of life left in her. Give me your gun, sweetheart.'

  'What?' I yelled in a well-feigned cry of indignation.

  'Do as I say. The President must be protected at all costs – you told me so yourself

  I handed the gun over.

  'Good. Now move forward.'

  We walked slowly up the concourse, the cowering visitors watching us with a sort of morbid fascination. We stopped ten yards from Chesney just near the arcade game area.

  'Send the President to me.'

  Chesney nodded to his henchman, who let him go. Formby, a little confused by now, tottered up to us.

  'Now send me Thursday.'

  'Whoa!' said Spike. 'Still using that old SpecOps-issue revolver? Here, have her automatic – she won't need it any more.'

  And he tossed my gun towards his ex-partner. Chesney, in an unthinking moment, went to catch the gun – but with the hand he used to keep his head on. Unrestrained, his head wobbled dangerously. He tried to grab it but this made matters worse and his head tumbled off to the front, past his flailing hands, and hit the floor with the sound of a large cabbage. This unseemly situation had distracted Chesney's number two, who was disarmed by a blast from Spike's shotgun. I didn't see why Spike should have all the fun so I ran forward and caught Chesney's head on the bounce and expertly booted it through the door of the arcade, where it scored a direct hit on the SlamDunk! basketball game, earning three hundred points. Spike had thumped the now confused and headless Chesney in the stomach and retrieved both my automatics. I grabbed the President and we legged it for the car park while Chesney's head screamed obscenities from where he was stuck upside down in the SlamDunk! basket.

  Spike smiled as we reached his car. 'Well, Chesney really lost his—'

  'No,' I said, 'don't say it. It's too corny.'

  'Is this some sort of theme park?' asked Formby as we bundled him into Spike's car.

  'Of a sort, Mr President,' I replied as we reversed out of the car park with a squeal of tyres and tore towards the exit ramp. No one tried to stop us and a couple of seconds later we were blinking in the daylight – and the rain – of the M4 westbound. The time, I noticed, was 5.03 – lots of time to get the President to a phone and oppose Kaine's vote in Parliament. I put out my hand to Spike, who shook it happily and returned my gun, which was still covered in the desiccated dust of Chesney's hoodlum friend.

  'Did you see the look on his face when his head started to come off?' Spike asked, chuckling. 'Man, I live for moments like that!'

  29

  The Cat Formerly Known as Cheshire

  DANISH KING IN TIDAL COMMAND FIASCO

  In another staggering display of Danish Cupidity, King Canute of Denmark attempted to use his authority to halt the incoming tide, our reporters have discovered. It didn't, of course, and the Dopey Monarch was soaked Danish authorities were quick to deny the story and rushed with obscene haste to besmirch the excellent and unbiased English press with the following hies: 'For a start it wasn't Canute, it was Cnut,' began the wild and wholly unconvincing tirade from the Danish minister of propaganda. 'You English named him Canute to make it sound less like you were ruled by foreigners for two hundred years. And Cnut didn't try to command the sea — it was to demonstrate to his overly flattering courtiers that the tide wouldn't succumb to his will. And it all happened nine hundred years ago — if it happened at all.' King Canute himself was unavailable for comment.

  Article in The Toad, 18 July 1988

  We told the President that yes, he was right - the whole thing was some sort of motorway services theme park. Dowding and Parks were genuinely pleased to get their President back, and Yorrick Kaine cancelled the vote in Parliament. Instead, he led a silent prayer to thank providence for returning Formby to our midst. As for Spike and me, we were each given a post-dated cheque and told we would be sure to receive the 'Banjulele with Oak Clusters' for our steadfast adherence to duty.

  Spike and I parted after the tiring day's work and I returned to the SpecOps office, where I found a slightly annoyed Major Drabb waiting for me near my car.

  'No Danish books found again, Agent Next!' he said through clenched teeth, handing me his report. 'More failure and I will have to take the matter to higher authority.'

  I glared at him, took a step closer and prodded him angrily in the chest. I needed Flanker off my case until the Superhoop at the very least.

  'You blame me for your failings?'

  'Well,' he said, faltering slightly and taking a nervous step backward as I moved even closer, 'that is to say—'

  'Redouble your efforts, Major Drabb, or I will have you removed from your command. Do you understand?'

  I shouted the last bit, which I didn't want to do — but I was getting desperate. I didn't want Flanker on my back in addition to everything else that was going on.

  'Of course,' croaked Drabb, 'I take full responsibility for my failure.'

  'Good,' I said, straightening up. 'Tomorrow you are to search the Australian Writers' Guild in Wootton Bassett.'

  Drabb dabbed his brow and made another salute.

  'As you say, Miss Next.'

  I tried to drive past the mixed bag of journalists and TV news crews but they were more than insistent so I stopped to say a few words.

  'Miss Next,' said a reporter from ToadSports, jostling with the five or six other TV crews trying to get the best angle, 'what is your reaction to the news that five of the Mallets have withdrawn from the side following death threats?'

  This was news to me but I didn't show it.

  'We are in the process of signing new players to the team—'

  'Miss Manager, with only five players in your team, don't you think it better just to withdraw?'

  'We'll be playing, I assure you.'

  'What is your response to the rumour that the Reading Whackers have signed ace player "Bonecrusher" McSneed to play forward hoop?'

  'The same as always — the Superhoop will be a momentous victory for Swindon.'

  'And what about the news that you have been declared "unfit to manage" given your highly controversial decision to put
Biffo in defence?'

  'Positions on the field are yet to be decided and are up to Mr Jambe. Now if you'll excuse me . . .'

  I started the engine again and drove away from the SpecOps building, the news crews still shouting questions after me. I was big news again, and I didn't like it.

  I arrived home just in time to rescue Mother from having to make more tea for Friday.

  'Eight fish fingers!' she muttered, shocked by his greed. 'Eight!'

  'That's nothing,' I replied, putting my pay cheque into a novelty teapot and tickling Friday on the ear. 'You wait until you see how many beans he can put away.'

  'The phone's been ringing all day. Aubrey somebody or other about death threats or something?'

  'I'll call him. How was the zoo?'

  'Ooh!' she cooed, touched her hair and tripped out of the kitchen. I waited until she was gone then knelt down close to Friday.

  'Did Bismarck and Gran . . . kiss?'

  'Tempor incididunt ut labors,' he replied enigmatically, 'et dolore magna aliqua.'

  'I hope that's a "definitely not", darling,' I murmured, filling up his beaker. As I did so I caught my wedding ring on the lip of the cup, and I stared at it in a resigned manner. Landen was back again. I clasped it tightly and picked up the phone and dialled.

  'Hello?' came Landen's voice.

  'It's Thursday.'

  'Thursday!' he said with a mixture of relief and alarm. 'What happened to you? I was waiting for you in the bedroom and then I heard the front door close! Did I do something wrong?'

  'No, Land, nothing. You were eradicated again.'

  'Am I still?'

  'Of course not.'

  There was a long pause. Too long, in fact. I looked at my hand. My wedding ring had gone again. I sighed, replaced the receiver and went back to Friday, heavy of heart.

  I called Aubrey as I was giving Friday his bath and tried to reassure him about the missing players. I told him to keep training and I'd deliver. I wasn't sure how, but I didn't tell him that. I just said it was 'in hand'.

  'I have to go,' I told him at last. 'I've got to wash Friday's hair and I can't do it with one hand.'