Stepping to a New Day by Beverly Jenkins
“It is. Peaceful, too.”
“All this wide open space takes some getting used to for a city boy.”
She removed his sandwich and her salad from the bag. “Are you enjoying being here, though?”
“I am. Definitely different. Never lived any place so quiet.”
“It grows on you.”
They ate in silence for a while and she again thought about how much she liked his company. She wondered how he felt about being with her but was too shy to ask. “How long do you plan to stay with Gary and the girls?”
He took a sip from his bottled water. “For sure until summer. After that, I don’t know. I’m supposed to go to Hawaii in August for my daughter’s birthday. She manages a resort on Kauai.”
“Sounds nice. Hawaii is on my bucket list.”
“Beautiful place. She was stationed in Hawaii during her time in the Air Force and decided to stay. Real proud of her.”
The pride on his face was plain. “And your sons?”
“Proud of them, too. My oldest, Keith, and his wife live in Atlanta. They’re both big-time stockbrokers. Other son, Aaron, is a petroleum engineer in Alaska.”
She looked up from her salad. “Alaska?”
“Yes. He’s lived there almost five years now.”
“Have you visited?”
“I have. A couple of times. Like Hawaii it has its own kind of beauty.”
“Never been there, either.” She mused on what it might be like to see those places with him and caught herself. When she looked up his eyes were waiting.
He asked quietly, “Where have you traveled besides DC?”
“Just Vegas. It’s one of Marie’s and my favorite places. She hits the casinos and I hit the shows, the Grand Canyon, and Hoover Dam.”
“I’ve never seen either of those.”
“The Grand Canyon is truly God’s work. It’s breathtaking. I’ve been there four, maybe five times and I always see something new. Feel free to tag along next time I go.”
“I may have to hold you to that.”
His tone and easy gaze had her at such sixes and sevens, as her grandmother used to say, she changed the subject. “So, do you have grandchildren?”
He shook his head. “No. Still waiting on the kids to cooperate.”
She nodded understandingly.
“Keith and his wife are trying, but they’re so busy chasing stocks and bonds. I keep telling them if they actually took a vacation they’d probably have babies by now.”
“Careers mean a lot to the younger set these days.”
“I know. Aaron and Bethany are content with the single life, but I worry about them never finding the love their mother and I shared.”
“You’re a romantic.”
“Not ashamed to admit that I am. Spoiled Carla rotten.”
“Sounds like you had a good marriage.”
“We did. I’ve gone on with my life but still miss her.”
“That’s sweet.”
“Are you a romantic?”
She shrugged. “I suppose, but hard to be that when you’re in competition with a hog.”
He chuckled. “I still find that unbelievable.”
“Think how I felt. And Clay wanted what he thought was the ideal me. He doesn’t appreciate the woman I’m trying to be.”
“His loss.”
“In a way mine, too. At my age I’ll probably never get to experience what you and your Carla had.”
The empathy in his eyes moved her so intensely she looked away and went back to her salad.
As if to change the subject he looked out over the creek and asked, “Do people come out here often?”
“Yes, and Tamar doesn’t mind as long as you call first. It is private property, after all.”
“I see. Being out here with all this peace and quiet makes a man want to buy some land of his own.”
She nodded. “I have land, too, but it’s a much smaller plot. The Julys have been on this homestead since the 1880s.”
“Gary told me about the history here.”
“It’s an honor to live in a place where the race has walked free for over a hundred years. I can’t wait for my new mobile home to arrive so I can have a place of my own again.”
“When’s it coming?”
“Hopefully in the next couple of days.”
“Do you need help moving?”
“I don’t think so but if I do I’ll let you know.”
“Please.”
“Okay, I will.” Gen had trouble holding his gaze because of the connection she sensed growing between them. She wasn’t sure what to do about it and lord knew she didn’t want to be staring all cow-eyed at the man.
“I like being in your company, Ms. Genevieve Gibbs.”
She somehow managed to reply, “And I enjoy being in yours, Mr. Barbour.”
“Be nice if we could do this again.”
“I’d like that.”
“Have you found us a concert yet?”
She lowered her head to hide her smile. “No. Not yet.”
“You are looking, right?”
“I am.”
“Good.” The silence between them stretched until he finally glanced at his watch. “Are you ready for me to take you home?”
In truth, the answer was no, but she said instead, “Yes. Hopefully Riley’s gone by now.”
“Where’s he staying?”
“With Clay.”
“Ex-husband staying with ex-beau?”
“I know. We all grew up together. I was sweet on Clay in high school and he was sweet on me but I married Riley. It’s complicated. Nothing worked out for any of us, though.”
“Sorry to hear that.”
“At least I came to my senses and cut bait. Otherwise I’d still be in a bad marriage with a hog as a third wheel.”
They gathered up their trash and placed it in the large waste can by the table’s edge. “Thanks for the company,” she said.
“You’re welcome.”
For a moment they just gazed at each other. Gen felt the connection tightening but had no idea if it was her imagination.
“Shall we?” he asked quietly.
She nodded and they walked back to the car.
When he stopped in front of Marie’s, Gen was pleased to find the porch empty. “Thanks again.”
“No problem. You’ll let me know if you need help moving.”
“I will.” Wishing she had a legitimate reason to spend more time with him, she got out. “Have a nice rest of the day.”
“You, too.”
Up on the porch she stuck her key in the lock and gave him a wave. As she stepped inside she watched him drive away and wondered where their relationship might lead.
The house was quiet. She’d expected to find Marie in front of the TV but she wasn’t. When Gen called for her and got no response, she grew concerned. Knowing Marie usually parked around back, she walked into the kitchen in order to see if the car was there, but found a note attached to the back door. Back later. M. Since Marie rarely left the house these days, Gen was surprised. The note dampened her concern somewhat, but she still wondered where Marie might be. Figuring the question would be answered soon enough, she went upstairs to her room to begin packing for the move.
Sitting in her car in the church parking lot, Marie regretted making the Morgan Freeman crack, mostly because of Gen’s withering response. It was the same tone Gen used with Riley and Marie realized she had slipped so low in Genevieve’s opinion that she and Riley were seated at the same table. It got her attention. No way did she want to be thought of in those terms. Riley was both despised and pitied. Granted, his sins against Genevieve were far more serious, but in a way they weren’t because Gen trusted Marie as a friend, and in exchange, received a snide jealousy-fed comment about someone Gen might genuinely be interested in. Everyone knew that Riley had no plans to change and was content to be himself for the rest of his life. However, Marie wasn’t—not with her life, her acerbic at
Inside, she found Reverend Paula seated at the desk in her office.
“Marie,” she said, looking and sounding surprised. “Hello.”
“Hi, Paula. Do you have some time? I’d like to talk to you.”
“Yes, I do. Take off your coat and have a seat. Can I get you something? Coffee? Tea? Water?”
“Tea would be nice.”
“Okay. I’ll be right back.”
While she went to get the tea, Marie drew in a calming breath and wondered if this was the right choice. She’d never shared her problems before because she’d always convinced herself that there was nothing in life she couldn’t handle on her own. With her life spiraling out of control, that confidence had fled, and if anyone could put things in perspective without judging it would be Paula. Marie also trusted her not to run to the Dog and tell everyone in town her business. She’d been bitter and alone long enough. She needed someone to light the way back.
Paula returned with a tray holding a steaming mug, a spoon, and a few packets of sweetener. She set it on the table nestled against the sofa where Marie was seated and while Marie doctored the brew to her liking Paula settled into a nearby chair and waited silently.
Marie began. “I’m sure you’ve heard about the mess at the Dog last winter.”
“I have, but I wasn’t there so for me it’s all hearsay. Why don’t you tell me what happened.”
So Marie did, and didn’t spare herself in the telling.
Paula asked gently, “So what made you so angry at Rita Lynn?”
“Mal wasn’t supposed to know that I loved him. I’d planned on keeping that to myself for the rest of my life but when Rita told him how I felt, I just lost it. I was embarrassed, hurt. I felt betrayed.”
“Understandable.”
“I wanted to crawl into a hole.”
“And so you did.”
She hadn’t expected Paula to view it that way, too. “Yes.”
“And now?”
“Now I want out. Genevieve is so upset she’s moving. A few weeks ago Mal came by to see me and I wouldn’t answer the door. I’m a mess, Paula.”
“You’re not a mess. You’re just hurting and I get the sense that it goes deeper than Rita Lynn. I never met your mother, so tell me a little bit about her. Did you two get along?”
“I loved her. She barely tolerated me.”
“Explain that, please.”
Marie shared the painful story of getting pregnant in college by a man who refused to marry her. “I came back to Henry Adams pregnant and ashamed. My mother thought it best to put the child up for adoption. The nuns whisked him away as soon as I gave birth.” Her voice trailed to a whisper. “I never even got to hold him.” Her heart tightened painfully at the still raw memory.
“I’m so sorry.”
“And from then on I couldn’t do anything right in her eyes. She didn’t like the car I drove, the men I dated, taking Gen to Vegas when she asked me to.”
“And your father?”
Marie chuckled bitterly. “I grew up believing he’d died in the Korean War because that’s what she told me, but on her deathbed, she confessed that I was born out of wedlock, too.”
Paula looked shocked.
“My mother was no better than I was when it came right down to it. She berated me and put me down my whole life for committing the same mistake she’d made. I was furious at her when I learned the truth.”
“Have you reconnected with your son?”
“Another funny story,” Marie said sarcastically. “He called me a couple of years back. Said he was in town and wanted to meet me. Lily drove me over. I just knew he wanted to be in my life but no, all he wanted was medical information.”
“That had to be heartbreaking.”
“It was and I felt stupid and hurt and broken inside for being so hopeful. My life seems to be one low blow after another.”
“But your teaching brought you joy, no?”
“It did. My students were all the children I never got to hold. I loved them all.”
And she had. She never felt so alive as when in the classroom. That made her think of Trent. He’d been one of her best students and because of the altercation with his mother, Rita Lynn, their relationship was strained, a strain that also affected Marie’s relationship with her goddaughter, Lily. No woman should have to choose between husband and godmother, so to keep from negatively impacting their marriage, Marie had distanced herself from Lily as well.
“Your friends miss you, Marie.”
Marie’s lip trembled. She told herself she’d pluck out her eyes before letting the tears fall but fall they did. “How do I fix this, Paula? How do I look at Mal and not feel like a fool. How do I apologize to Trent for being so screwed up that when he and his mother came to see me I slammed the door in his face? And poor Genevieve. We’ve been sisters of the heart since we were eight. She can’t stand me right now. I have burned so many bridges.” Marie wept brokenly. Terribly. Paula got up and held her close.
“It’s okay,” Paula whispered.
“No it isn’t. How am I ever going to face them again?”
“I don’t think it’ll be as hard as you imagine. They all love you.” Paula handed her some tissues and waited while she tried to pull herself together. “You’re one of the heartbeats of this community. Everyone knows you’re hurting and they all feel powerless to help. As for Mal, please don’t beat yourself up over him knowing the truth. Loving someone even if it isn’t returned isn’t something to be ashamed of.”
Marie wanted to believe her, especially the part about reconnecting, but how could Paula be so sure?
As if having read her mind, Paula said, “And you know why I know it won’t be hard?”
“How?”
“Because as I said, they love you, Marie. Very much. Gather your courage and talk to them. Then make peace with yourself so your blessings can flow.”
Marie blew her nose and thought about how she might do it, and realized she knew. “When Mal first started AA, I went with him to some of the meetings. At one, they talked about making amends being a big step in recovery. The members were encouraged to apologize to everyone they’d hurt.” She looked to Paula for reassurance. “Maybe I’ll do that.”
“I think that’s an excellent idea.”
Marie wiped her eyes and nodded to herself. “That’s what I’m going to do.” Coming to see Paula was the light she’d needed. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Can I ask you something though?”
“Sure.”
“What made you decide to come and see me today?”
“Riley.”
“Curry?”
Marie nodded. “He came by to see Gen earlier and he was so . . . Riley—you just want to smack him 24-7. I looked at him and then at myself and I felt like Gen wanted to do the same thing with me, especially after the way I taunted her this afternoon. I don’t want people here dealing with me the way they deal with him. Might not make sense to you but it did to me.”
“The trigger doesn’t really matter. I was just curious.”
“There were no visions or directives from the Lord involved.”
Paula laughed, then turned serious. “Welcome back.”
“You can welcome me back for real after I make amends.” She stood. “You’re pretty good at this, Reverend Paula.”
“Just using my gifts the way I’m supposed to. And if you need to talk more I’m always here.”
Marie nodded and left the office. On her walk to the car, she felt lighter, freer. She was no longer Sisyphus pushing the boulder up the mountain. A part of her was afraid to go through with the apologies she needed to make and wanted to run back to the house instead, but as Paula suggested, she gathered her courage and drove to the Dog.
When she walked in, Mal was behind the counter and surprise filled his eyes. “Marie?”
“Hey. Can we talk in your of
“Sure. Come on back.”
They entered and he closed the door. “Good to see you.”
“Thanks. Look, about Rita Lynn. I need to apologize.”
“No, you don’t.”
“I do, Malachi, so for once can you just shut up, so I can say what I need to say.”
Humor twinkled in his eyes. “Floor’s all yours.”
“I was loud, obnoxious, and wrong that day.”
“True.”
She exhaled an exaggerated sigh of frustration. “I’m trying to be serious here.”
He said softly, “I know, but I’m trying to tell you there’s no need to be. If anybody should be apologizing, it’s me. Marie, I’m sorry my cluelessness caused you so much pain. I truly didn’t know. I’ve loved you all my life—and I still do, but not in that way. Nobody can kick me in the butt like you do and I’ve missed that and you these past few months.”
Marie swore softly as the tears broke free again.
He held out his arms. “Come here.”
He held her tightly and placed a solemn kiss on her forehead. “The love we have is strong. Always has been, always will be. And no, it’s not the love I have for Bernadine but it’s just as special and precious. Please forgive an old drunk for being so blind.”
Marie cried silently as that love filled her soul. And it was precious. They’d had each other’s backs since they were old enough to walk and it was a bond they’d take to the grave.
He leaned back and looked her in the eye and she saw that his were wet, too. “I love you, girl, in a way I’ll never love anyone else. Square business.”
She wiped her tears away and smiled. “Do you think kids these days say square business and mean it the way we did in the seventies?”
“Probably not, everybody’s too busy lying.”
She laughed and for the next few moments thought back on all they’d done together, the shared fun, the arguments that never lasted long enough to be memorable, and she knew how blessed she was to call him friend. “Thanks, Mal.”
“You helped save my life, Marie. It doesn’t get much better than that. Now, before we both start bawling again, how about some lunch? My treat.”
“You’re on.”
After lunch, Marie was still feeling good about herself and her friendship with Mal. When she pulled into the driveway at her home, she assumed Genevieve was home and she was hit by a bit of apprehension. Suppose Gen threw her apology back in her face because of the hell she’d put her through these past few months. She decided the only way to find out was to go in and see. And pray.