Swashbuckler by Mikel Etcheverry
II
I have a plan, you interfere, ‘tis good reason
To act as I did.
SWASHBUCKLER
So you’re the voice of treason,
The one who will expose the treaty.
JOSEPH II
Certainly.
Now I just need to find where it is, so tell me!
SWASHBUCKLER
It is out of you reach, on its way back to France.
JOSEPH II
Lying cur!
SWASHBUCKLER
I know how it may look, at first glance –
(Joseph II strikes him)
JOSEPH II
How about I torture, slowly, every single
One of your friends? I can use that sword to tingle –
(Enter Colin)
COLIN
Swash!
(He jumps to intervene)
I found you at last.
JOSEPH II
Not for long I’m afraid.
COLIN
You wait until I can –
JOSEPH II
I hate being waylaid.
COLIN
(To Swashbuckler)
I will take it from here, you have lost too much blood.
SWASHBUCKLER
I should…I can…You’re right.
(Exit Swashbuckler)
COLIN
(To Joseph II)
I will drown you in mud!
After piercing your every limb.
JOSEPH II
How inventive!
Tell me where the document is and you will live.
COLIN
Why don’t you perform long suctions on my manhood?
JOSEPH II
You know, under normal circumstances, I would.
(Colin looks disgusted)
But there’s this thing I hate about commoners :
They have no imagination and lack manners.
Your vulgarity is sign of our decadence,
Your coarseness reminds us of the sad prevalence
Of wretches like you in the world. It’s God’s error,
But we will correct it.
COLIN
You’re not superior,
Only more – twisted.
(They fight on and off)
JOSEPH II
I am a Lord, an aesthete.
You are cute and brawny, but not quite an athlete.
You wot not what’s it like to see the world ablaze
Because of some dunces mere trinkets do amaze.
The world I envision knows no war, nor famine,
It’s full of love, beauty, and all things feminine.
Your mind is too petty, it cannot see far off,
That mankind would be saved –
COLIN
If you were King thereof?
JOSEPH II
Me, my friends, peu importe. At least we know better
Than the plebe what it takes to settle the matter.
If you rascal had read, Plato, his Republic,
You would know political regimes are cyclic.
The wisest of them all is aristocracy,
It is followed by four, ending in tyranny,
Merely a transition I will gladly assume.
COLIN
You’ll do it for the good of mankind, I presume?
Thank you!
JOSEPH II
The masses are to be lead by the few.
‘Tis a responsibility I’ll not eschew.
A civilization can collapse most simply,
You need even no war, just widespread apathy.
It is fascinating…Such a power we wield
In our ability to create and to build.
In no time we bring a society in full bloom.
Yet just as easily we create our own doom.
We destroy, we corrupt, we leave the world to blight,
We give in to money, power, weaknesses, fright.
Just as mighty, immortal Rome turned decadent,
The same excesses here may become prevalent.
For the world to improve, there is a principle :
The fewer the better. For this we’ll have to cull
A number of people, trim the population –
‘Tis easier to manage, see?
(Enter a guard who fights with Colin)
COLIN
Not an option!
JOSEPH II
For many years the plan has been in the making.
You and your friends are brave, but already losing.
We are well organized, you only have two arms,
A brain that is misused, not enough of those charms.
Even you will admit the result is grandiose,
In time.
COLIN
Never. Your little speech is otiose.
I fear neither yourself, your friends, even your reach.
I fight for God and truth, ‘tis not a pointless preach
Will tarnish my resolve.
JOSEPH II
You should concede defeat,
Fool. In no time will our victory be complete.
It will be an apex, an apotheosis,
The epitome of human symbiosis.
(He muses)
How I wish we were there.
(Turns to Colin, determined)
‘Tis inescapable.
It is certain as death, sure, unavoidable.
Monarchies will need fall, leaving the place vacant,
For democracy, this most useless government.
As it is wont to do, corruption will be rife,
Paving the way for me to act as a midwife.
My deeds will bring to life perfection embodied,
A world with no desires, an ideal world indeed.
COLIN
‘Tis royalties start war you knave!
JOSEPH II
Who does uphold
Their decisions I ask? Is it by stranglehold
That you commit to them? If you’re a patriot
Then defend your people and not the idiot
Who sends them out to die. You are treated like pawns.
You have what you deserve, you mindless stack of brawns,
If you do not react, and let yourselves be dragged
Into conflicts and war. No one maintains you gagged,
Speak your mind and revolt against your oppressors.
COLIN
What, warmonger? Are you among our defensors?
JOSEPH II
Only when monarchies have fallen can my plan
Be set in motion.
COLIN
You won’t see it.
JOSEPH II
It may span
Over a few decades, but surely ‘twill happen.
We have to wait for rotten regimes to ripen.
Surely, nowadays, everyone is a Lumière ;
They all read Diderot, Kant, Rousseau, or Voltaire,
Frederick, Catherine, Gustav or my mother.
They try to fool themselves. In fact they are neither
Monarchs, saviors, gods, much less enlightened despots.
They are a bunch of thieves, liars, fools, and harlots.
They will make you believe that what they do is good,
Until the people will revolt as well they should.
They don’t go far enough for the reign of reason,
They should be hanged like you for their blatant treason
Of the ideals that we, my friends and I, will soon
Establish in Europe, then the world.
COLIN
What a boon!
JOSEPH II
I see your mind at work, it’s clearly too obtuse
to understand my point. I would like to enthuse
You and your fellow men to our most noble cause,
First you would have to think, so I will stop and pause.
COLIN
You are insane is clear from your soliloquy.
The only cure for that is one good obloquy,
Or being flogg
ed in public with stinging nettles,
So you would learn to stop fighting losing battles.
I have not read Plato but I know history,
It teaches great lessons, just like philosophy.
Pay heed, rascal, it will serve as a reminder.
‘Tis how it starts : ‘If I were not Alexander,
I would be Diogenes.’ What a confession!
The Macedonian failed at his inception.
Diogenes the Dog taught a lesson profound
To the Emperor, not the other way around.
He possessed nothing and was happy nonetheless.
Alexander had an empire, was restless.
You make the same mistake out of sheer arrogance.
You will die disappointed, sad, in repentance.
Lucky good men like me will be there to stop you.
JOSEPH II
Fool, do you think you’ll win?! What’s a swordsman to do
‘Gainst a conspiracy? How can you fight something
Does not even exist?
COLIN
I’m old-fashioned, killing
Seems like an option. After all, you are flesh and bone.
JOSEPH II
Killing Joseph II, an heir to the throne?
You wouldn’t go far, soldier.
COLIN
I’ll take my chances.
(He wounds the guard who drops his sword and leaves the room)
JOSEPH II
What you really need to take are your distances.
I don’t need to sully my hands, and you should run,
Now!
COLIN
Emperor…? Stand a little out of my sun!
You are out of your mind, pitiful demagogue,
I am out of patience, let’s draw the epilogue.
Let your title be known, Joseph the Bellicose!
JOSEPH II
You puny little rogue…What? Colin the Verbose?
You are a knave, a thrall and deserve to be lead,
Unless you start thinking, and this time with your head.
You might muse that you ran rings around us this time,
Maybe you have, but we are relentless.
COLIN
A dime
Is what you are worth. I will expose you.
JOSEPH II
Varlet!
Fool!
COLIN
Fools are often closest to the king, cosset!
JOSEPH II
Your only eyewitness will be dead in a day,
Or an hour even.
COLIN
Unless good Armand does lay –
JOSEPH II
You do not understand : the wretch will have to die.
COLIN
You would kill your own man, your loyal servant? Fie!
JOSEPH II
Loyalty matters not, we don’t suffer failure.
We need remain hid and won’t allow his capture.
(Pauses a second, looking pensive)
He was your enemy, don’t you find ironic
Both of you will die from the same hand?
COLIN
(Despondent)
‘Tis tragic.
JOSEPH II
I could have you murdered merely for being here.
Methinks…I’ll do just that.
COLIN
It is your end that’s near.
JOSEPH II
(Shouts)
Guard!
(To Colin)
We have many guests, try to die quietly,
Not to shed all your blood over the tapestry.
(Exit Joseph II. Enter three guards. They start fighting)
COLIN
When will I stop being underestimated?
There are only three of you. To be defeated,
You would need be twice as many.
Scene 5
(Enter Robin)
ROBIN
Colin, at last!
(One of the guards turns to face Robin)
COLIN
Worry not, lad, should be easy. We are steadfast
And trained better than they are.
ROBIN
Yes, that is exact,
But bragging makes you sloppy. Please remain intact,
For the love of me.
COLIN
For the love of you, I would…
ROBIN
Yes…?
COLIN
I could…
ROBIN
Yes…?
COLIN
I should…
ROBIN
Yes…?
COLIN
(With a tentative smile)
Er…Smoke sandalwood…?
ROBIN
What?!
COLIN
I’m sorry, I am distracted and confused.
Let us get rid of the help first.
(He thrusts his sword forward rapidly, surprising one of his two opponents. The guard drops his sword and scarpers)
ROBIN
I am bemused,
Why can’t you be serious? Ever?!
COLIN
It’s a gift,
On my mother’s side I was told.
ROBIN
Be a spendthrift,
Impart it on others.
COLIN
If you won’t regret it…
ROBIN
I would feel much obliged and would give you credit.
I would be indebted, generous and thankful,
I would.
COLIN
‘Tis not much for which to be so grateful.
Are you sure you are well and that you don’t suffer?
ROBIN
I will take anything else you have to offer.
(There is a pause in their respective fights, they look at each other intensely)
COLIN
I would wed thee if such a thing was not amiss!
ROBIN / ETHELFLEDA
I love you too –
(She removes her hat and lets her long hair flow down over her shoulders)
– and will hold you to your promise!
COLIN
You!
ETHELFLEDA
Me…
COLIN
How could…? How did…?
ETHELFLEDA
I will tell you later.
(She is maimed by her opponent and drops her sword)
COLIN
Robin!!
(He slashes his opponent’s arm and run towards Ethelfleda)
Away knave! Pray she is not dead!
(He disarms the second guard who runs away)
ETHELFLEDA
Never…
Scene 6
(Later in the same room. Ethelfleda is lying on a sofa)
COLIN
You are awake?
ETHELFLEDA
Yes.
COLIN
Good. I hope you feel well soon.
I bear news galore, good ones, since this afternoon.
First, you will not suffer any lasting damage.
Fortunately, the
I have a plan, you interfere, ‘tis good reason
To act as I did.
SWASHBUCKLER
So you’re the voice of treason,
The one who will expose the treaty.
JOSEPH II
Certainly.
Now I just need to find where it is, so tell me!
SWASHBUCKLER
It is out of you reach, on its way back to France.
JOSEPH II
Lying cur!
SWASHBUCKLER
I know how it may look, at first glance –
(Joseph II strikes him)
JOSEPH II
How about I torture, slowly, every single
One of your friends? I can use that sword to tingle –
(Enter Colin)
COLIN
Swash!
(He jumps to intervene)
I found you at last.
JOSEPH II
Not for long I’m afraid.
COLIN
You wait until I can –
JOSEPH II
I hate being waylaid.
COLIN
(To Swashbuckler)
I will take it from here, you have lost too much blood.
SWASHBUCKLER
I should…I can…You’re right.
(Exit Swashbuckler)
COLIN
(To Joseph II)
I will drown you in mud!
After piercing your every limb.
JOSEPH II
How inventive!
Tell me where the document is and you will live.
COLIN
Why don’t you perform long suctions on my manhood?
JOSEPH II
You know, under normal circumstances, I would.
(Colin looks disgusted)
But there’s this thing I hate about commoners :
They have no imagination and lack manners.
Your vulgarity is sign of our decadence,
Your coarseness reminds us of the sad prevalence
Of wretches like you in the world. It’s God’s error,
But we will correct it.
COLIN
You’re not superior,
Only more – twisted.
(They fight on and off)
JOSEPH II
I am a Lord, an aesthete.
You are cute and brawny, but not quite an athlete.
You wot not what’s it like to see the world ablaze
Because of some dunces mere trinkets do amaze.
The world I envision knows no war, nor famine,
It’s full of love, beauty, and all things feminine.
Your mind is too petty, it cannot see far off,
That mankind would be saved –
COLIN
If you were King thereof?
JOSEPH II
Me, my friends, peu importe. At least we know better
Than the plebe what it takes to settle the matter.
If you rascal had read, Plato, his Republic,
You would know political regimes are cyclic.
The wisest of them all is aristocracy,
It is followed by four, ending in tyranny,
Merely a transition I will gladly assume.
COLIN
You’ll do it for the good of mankind, I presume?
Thank you!
JOSEPH II
The masses are to be lead by the few.
‘Tis a responsibility I’ll not eschew.
A civilization can collapse most simply,
You need even no war, just widespread apathy.
It is fascinating…Such a power we wield
In our ability to create and to build.
In no time we bring a society in full bloom.
Yet just as easily we create our own doom.
We destroy, we corrupt, we leave the world to blight,
We give in to money, power, weaknesses, fright.
Just as mighty, immortal Rome turned decadent,
The same excesses here may become prevalent.
For the world to improve, there is a principle :
The fewer the better. For this we’ll have to cull
A number of people, trim the population –
‘Tis easier to manage, see?
(Enter a guard who fights with Colin)
COLIN
Not an option!
JOSEPH II
For many years the plan has been in the making.
You and your friends are brave, but already losing.
We are well organized, you only have two arms,
A brain that is misused, not enough of those charms.
Even you will admit the result is grandiose,
In time.
COLIN
Never. Your little speech is otiose.
I fear neither yourself, your friends, even your reach.
I fight for God and truth, ‘tis not a pointless preach
Will tarnish my resolve.
JOSEPH II
You should concede defeat,
Fool. In no time will our victory be complete.
It will be an apex, an apotheosis,
The epitome of human symbiosis.
(He muses)
How I wish we were there.
(Turns to Colin, determined)
‘Tis inescapable.
It is certain as death, sure, unavoidable.
Monarchies will need fall, leaving the place vacant,
For democracy, this most useless government.
As it is wont to do, corruption will be rife,
Paving the way for me to act as a midwife.
My deeds will bring to life perfection embodied,
A world with no desires, an ideal world indeed.
COLIN
‘Tis royalties start war you knave!
JOSEPH II
Who does uphold
Their decisions I ask? Is it by stranglehold
That you commit to them? If you’re a patriot
Then defend your people and not the idiot
Who sends them out to die. You are treated like pawns.
You have what you deserve, you mindless stack of brawns,
If you do not react, and let yourselves be dragged
Into conflicts and war. No one maintains you gagged,
Speak your mind and revolt against your oppressors.
COLIN
What, warmonger? Are you among our defensors?
JOSEPH II
Only when monarchies have fallen can my plan
Be set in motion.
COLIN
You won’t see it.
JOSEPH II
It may span
Over a few decades, but surely ‘twill happen.
We have to wait for rotten regimes to ripen.
Surely, nowadays, everyone is a Lumière ;
They all read Diderot, Kant, Rousseau, or Voltaire,
Frederick, Catherine, Gustav or my mother.
They try to fool themselves. In fact they are neither
Monarchs, saviors, gods, much less enlightened despots.
They are a bunch of thieves, liars, fools, and harlots.
They will make you believe that what they do is good,
Until the people will revolt as well they should.
They don’t go far enough for the reign of reason,
They should be hanged like you for their blatant treason
Of the ideals that we, my friends and I, will soon
Establish in Europe, then the world.
COLIN
What a boon!
JOSEPH II
I see your mind at work, it’s clearly too obtuse
to understand my point. I would like to enthuse
You and your fellow men to our most noble cause,
First you would have to think, so I will stop and pause.
COLIN
You are insane is clear from your soliloquy.
The only cure for that is one good obloquy,
Or being flogg
So you would learn to stop fighting losing battles.
I have not read Plato but I know history,
It teaches great lessons, just like philosophy.
Pay heed, rascal, it will serve as a reminder.
‘Tis how it starts : ‘If I were not Alexander,
I would be Diogenes.’ What a confession!
The Macedonian failed at his inception.
Diogenes the Dog taught a lesson profound
To the Emperor, not the other way around.
He possessed nothing and was happy nonetheless.
Alexander had an empire, was restless.
You make the same mistake out of sheer arrogance.
You will die disappointed, sad, in repentance.
Lucky good men like me will be there to stop you.
JOSEPH II
Fool, do you think you’ll win?! What’s a swordsman to do
‘Gainst a conspiracy? How can you fight something
Does not even exist?
COLIN
I’m old-fashioned, killing
Seems like an option. After all, you are flesh and bone.
JOSEPH II
Killing Joseph II, an heir to the throne?
You wouldn’t go far, soldier.
COLIN
I’ll take my chances.
(He wounds the guard who drops his sword and leaves the room)
JOSEPH II
What you really need to take are your distances.
I don’t need to sully my hands, and you should run,
Now!
COLIN
Emperor…? Stand a little out of my sun!
You are out of your mind, pitiful demagogue,
I am out of patience, let’s draw the epilogue.
Let your title be known, Joseph the Bellicose!
JOSEPH II
You puny little rogue…What? Colin the Verbose?
You are a knave, a thrall and deserve to be lead,
Unless you start thinking, and this time with your head.
You might muse that you ran rings around us this time,
Maybe you have, but we are relentless.
COLIN
A dime
Is what you are worth. I will expose you.
JOSEPH II
Varlet!
Fool!
COLIN
Fools are often closest to the king, cosset!
JOSEPH II
Your only eyewitness will be dead in a day,
Or an hour even.
COLIN
Unless good Armand does lay –
JOSEPH II
You do not understand : the wretch will have to die.
COLIN
You would kill your own man, your loyal servant? Fie!
JOSEPH II
Loyalty matters not, we don’t suffer failure.
We need remain hid and won’t allow his capture.
(Pauses a second, looking pensive)
He was your enemy, don’t you find ironic
Both of you will die from the same hand?
COLIN
(Despondent)
‘Tis tragic.
JOSEPH II
I could have you murdered merely for being here.
Methinks…I’ll do just that.
COLIN
It is your end that’s near.
JOSEPH II
(Shouts)
Guard!
(To Colin)
We have many guests, try to die quietly,
Not to shed all your blood over the tapestry.
(Exit Joseph II. Enter three guards. They start fighting)
COLIN
When will I stop being underestimated?
There are only three of you. To be defeated,
You would need be twice as many.
Scene 5
(Enter Robin)
ROBIN
Colin, at last!
(One of the guards turns to face Robin)
COLIN
Worry not, lad, should be easy. We are steadfast
And trained better than they are.
ROBIN
Yes, that is exact,
But bragging makes you sloppy. Please remain intact,
For the love of me.
COLIN
For the love of you, I would…
ROBIN
Yes…?
COLIN
I could…
ROBIN
Yes…?
COLIN
I should…
ROBIN
Yes…?
COLIN
(With a tentative smile)
Er…Smoke sandalwood…?
ROBIN
What?!
COLIN
I’m sorry, I am distracted and confused.
Let us get rid of the help first.
(He thrusts his sword forward rapidly, surprising one of his two opponents. The guard drops his sword and scarpers)
ROBIN
I am bemused,
Why can’t you be serious? Ever?!
COLIN
It’s a gift,
On my mother’s side I was told.
ROBIN
Be a spendthrift,
Impart it on others.
COLIN
If you won’t regret it…
ROBIN
I would feel much obliged and would give you credit.
I would be indebted, generous and thankful,
I would.
COLIN
‘Tis not much for which to be so grateful.
Are you sure you are well and that you don’t suffer?
ROBIN
I will take anything else you have to offer.
(There is a pause in their respective fights, they look at each other intensely)
COLIN
I would wed thee if such a thing was not amiss!
ROBIN / ETHELFLEDA
I love you too –
(She removes her hat and lets her long hair flow down over her shoulders)
– and will hold you to your promise!
COLIN
You!
ETHELFLEDA
Me…
COLIN
How could…? How did…?
ETHELFLEDA
I will tell you later.
(She is maimed by her opponent and drops her sword)
COLIN
Robin!!
(He slashes his opponent’s arm and run towards Ethelfleda)
Away knave! Pray she is not dead!
(He disarms the second guard who runs away)
ETHELFLEDA
Never…
Scene 6
(Later in the same room. Ethelfleda is lying on a sofa)
COLIN
You are awake?
ETHELFLEDA
Yes.
COLIN
Good. I hope you feel well soon.
I bear news galore, good ones, since this afternoon.
First, you will not suffer any lasting damage.
Fortunately, the