Tainted Butterfly by Terri Anne Browning
He pressed his lips together as if to stop the flow of the words he knew I didn’t want to hear. “I don’t want last night to change things between us, Kas. Do you understand how important you are to me? That I can’t fucking live without you in my life? I seriously fucked up last night, and I don’t know how to fix this.”
I wrapped my arms around myself, hurting so badly that I felt almost physically sick from it. “Is that really what you want, Gray? You want to fix last night? You want to go back to … what, exactly? Us being best friends?”
“Yes,” he said without a single second of hesitation. “That’s exactly what I want.”
“You can do that? Pretend like what we did, what we felt, never happened?”
“Yes,” he said, still without hesitation.
I closed my eyes, fighting tears, but there was no way in hell I was going to let him see them. If that was what he wanted, then I would give it to him. But… If he could so easily move on, then I would do it too. I would wipe the memory of the night before completely from my head.
Yeah right, that bitchy inner voice mocked.
“Okay,” I whispered, and then I cleared my throat and made it sound stronger. “Okay. Last night never happened. You and I, we’re just friends. Now and forever.”
Something that looked close to regret flashed in his eyes, but it was gone in the blink of an eye and I didn’t question it. “Really?” he asked.
I nodded.
He let out a long, relieved breath. “And you’ll come back with me next week?”
Unlike him, I hesitated—because I didn’t have an answer for that particular question yet.
“Kas?” His face took on a pleading look. “I need you to come back with me.”
“I’m still thinking about it,” I told him honestly.
“Kassa—”
“Hey, Kas!” Jace called out before appearing at the top of the stairs. “I’m going to camp in your room tonight.”
I pushed everything that was going on with Gray to the back of my mind and grinned up at my brother as he came down the stairs. “You have a perfectly good bed in your room, you know. Alicia didn’t turn it into a home gym like she threatened when you left.”
“I know that, brat. But I just want to spend more time with you. It feels like I haven’t seen you in forever.” He hugged me. “Fuck, baby sis. I’ve missed you like crazy.”
I hugged him back, holding on tight. “I missed you too.”
“Yeah, well, prepare to miss her even more,” Gray muttered in an angry voice, making Jace’s head snap up. “She might not come back with us next week.”
My jaw clenched when I felt how tense my brother suddenly became. He pulled back so that he could look down at me, and I could have gladly stabbed Gray in the balls.
“Why?” Jace asked.
One simple word was full of so much feeling. I could see confusion and hurt already swirling around in his blue eyes.
“I don’t want to leave Alicia alone. We’ve gotten really close lately and—”
“And nothing!” Jace’s hands tightened on my arms, but not hard enough to hurt me. “This isn’t the plan, Kassa. The plan was for you to graduate and then come to California with me. Alicia approved of that plan—she still approves of the plan. You’re set to start UCLA in the fall. Everything is in place but you.”
“There’s nothing wrong with going to the local community college,” I tried to argue, but that not only set Jace off, but Gray went ballistic behind me.
“You are not going to community college!” Jace yelled.
“The fuck you say!” Gray practically roared, cutting off whatever else my brother would have said. “Are you telling me that you’re going to stay here full time? Not just for the rest of the summer, but actually for fucking ever? Is that what you’re saying, Kassa?”
I lifted my chin and glared at him, pissed that he had just blurted everything out to Jace the way he had. I knew why he had done it. He thought that Jace could change my mind, sway me into agreeing to go with him when he left. But this wasn’t something I could be bullied into. It was my future I had to think about and whether or not I could handle that future being filled with all of Gray’s random fucks.
“It’s an option, yes.”
“No! No fucking way. I won’t allow it. You belong with me … and Jace. And we will be in California.” He crossed the space that separated us and leaned down so that our eyes were on the same level. “You’re coming back with me next week. End. Of. Discussion.”
I tried to push him back with both hands on his chest, but he was unmovable. I couldn’t remember ever being so mad at him. I poked him in the chest, annoyed when I only stubbed my finger against the hard muscle. “You are not the boss of me, Grayson Knight. You don’t have a single say in what I do with my life. I’ll go to whatever college I want to and live my life. If I don’t want to go to stupid California with you, then I’m not going to go. This is my life, and guess what? You don’t get to decide what I do with it.”
“Holy shit,” Kin exclaimed behind me. “What did I miss?”
Jace scrubbed a hand over his face, a face that looked just as lost and sad as Gray’s had earlier. “Kassa doesn’t want to come back with us next week.”
“I didn’t say I don’t want to go,” I tried to argue, to make him understand. “I just have other things to consider before I leave the only home I’ve ever known. I’m not like you and Gray. I can’t just up and leave without a backwards glance. Alicia will have no one if I come with you.”
“But she wants you to come,” Kin said to assure me, her face tight as she watched the emotions playing across her boyfriend’s face. “She told me so herself just the other night.”
“All our lives, it’s been me and you, Kas.” Jace turned me away from Gray so that I was facing him. “Us against the world, I use to tell you before we went into foster care. I had your back no matter what, and you had mine. This past year, with us on opposite sides of the country, it didn’t feel right. Maybe I didn’t count down the days like Gray did, but I have been looking forward to you coming to live with us just as much as he has.”
Tears choked me, but I shook my head. “Jace, please, just try to see it from my point of view.”
“I thought we had the same point of view,” he muttered. “Before Christmas, you were so excited to come live with us.”
“Before Christmas, Alicia and I never saw each other. We were strangers who lived in the same house. Hell, I’m pretty sure she forgot I was even here half the time. Now, she’s one of my closest friends. I don’t want to leave her all alone, not when I know how much that sucks.”
“Okay, guys,” Kin interceded when it looked like Jace was going to argue with me more on the subject. “Let’s all take a deep breath and chill for a minute. All sides have made their cases, and now, let’s take the time to reflect on everyone’s point of view here.”
“I’m done arguing about it,” Gray bit out, pulling everyone’s eyes but mine to him. “She’s coming back one way or another. I’m not spending another week out there without her.”
“That’s all you think about, isn’t it?” I snapped. “It’s always about what you want, Gray. Always you. Has it even entered your mind that maybe you could be something other than selfish and care about what I want for once?”
His head jerked back as if I had punched him in the face. “I think about you every minute of the day, Kassa. I worry about you and slowly lose my mind wondering if you’re safe or happy. All I have ever cared about is you.”
That had my mouth snapping shut, but my heart felt like it was being wrung with those words still echoing through my head. He loved me, I knew he did, but what he had just said proved it to me.
It just wasn’t the type of love I wanted. But I had learned that, in life, no one ever gets everything they really wanted.
“Okay, Gray,” I whispered. “I’ll go with you to California.”
Cautious hope filled his eyes. “R
“Yes, really.” I was going to regret it, but maybe this was what I really needed. It was going to hurt like a bitch to see Gray with all those chicks, but maybe it would be good for me. Maybe it would even make it easier to move on.
Maybe you’re just a glutton for punishment, that bitchy inner voice mocked me.
NINETEEN
Kassa
The music in the club was making my eardrums pound to the beat, but I was enjoying the ability to not hear myself think. Beside me, Kin was laughing with her stepsisters, Carolina and Angie, who had both made me feel welcome since I had arrived the week before. It was just us girls out, and as long as we were at First Bass, Jace didn’t seem to mind that I was out without him or Gray.
Gray, on the other hand, seemed to freak out if I even left the apartment by myself. His overprotectiveness had only increased since I had given in and moved to live with him and Jace. It was beginning to get on my nerves when, before, it wouldn’t have bothered me at all. The difference was us. We weren’t the same anymore. As much as I hadn’t wanted things to change, I couldn’t help it. Not when I was still so stupidly in love with him.
“I’m thirsty,” Kin called over the music. “Let’s go get a drink.”
“I have to leave soon,” Carolina grumbled as we moved off the dance floor and headed for the stairs that would take us up to the VIP floor. It was quieter back there, and when we stopped long enough for the big, delicious, dark man whose name was ironically Tiny, I couldn’t help but eat up the sight of him. “My mother said I have to be home by eleven.”
Kin made a noise in the back of her throat. “Don’t get me started on your mother, Caro. She makes me mental.”
“I’m counting the days until I can move out,” the younger girl assured her. “And then I’m never looking back.”
“And you’re sure you want to go to an East Coast school?” Angie asked as we reached the top of the stairs and moved easily through the crowd of other VIPs to the bar. “We’ll miss you if you leave us.”
“I’ll miss you more,” she said with a smile. “But yes, I’m sure. If I stay here, my mother will only try to run my life, and after what she’s been doing with Georgia’s life, I’m not going to give her the chance to do the same with mine.”
“To be fair, she’s not doing anything to Georgia that Georgia doesn’t object to.” Kin waved at the bartender who grinned when he saw her and moved to our end of the bar. “I mean, Georgia has been in all the tabloids, so I’m pretty sure they are both living on cloud nine from all that shit.”
“Well, if it isn’t my favorite redhead,” the guy murmured as he stopped in front of Kin. Putting his hands on the bar top, he leaned forward. “What’s your poison, beautiful?”
“Ginger ale all around, handsome.”
I took all of him in slowly. The faux-hawk he had going on was messily styled, his long lashes shielding his eyes, which were a startling bluish green. He had a body that would make anyone stop and drink in their fill of him. As he set the drinks in front of Kin, he scanned our small group, but when he spotted me, he stopped and leaned forward.
“Who’s your new friend?”
Kin glanced at me and smirked. “This is Jace’s baby sister, Kassa. She just moved here. Kas, this is Nate. Sexy bartender and the new assistant manager here.”
“Hi.” I gave him a little wave as I took a sip of my drink.
“Kassa. I like that.” His lashes lowered, his look turning flirty and seductive. “Pretty name for a pretty girl.”
I nearly sucked the drink of soda in my mouth up my nose at that line. Laughing, I wiped my nose with a napkin Carolina had offered me. Part of me almost wanted to take him seriously, but I didn’t think that was possible. This guy was hot—with a capital H—but every chick in the club had their eyes on him. He was probably just as much a player as Gray was.
“Wow,” I said. “How many girls do you pick up with that line?”
Nate placed a hand over his heart, a mock wounded look on his face. “Ah, babe. Straight to the heart.”
“Actually,” Angie spoke up a she moved in between me and Kin. “Nate here is a pretty good guy. He doesn’t fuck everyone who bats their eyes at him, unlike some douchebags that I know. You should give him a chance, Kassa.”
“Listen to your friend,” he urged with a wink before moving down the bar to get some guy a beer.
When he was out of hearing range, I frowned from Angie to Kin and then Carolina. “Are you three trying to set me up?”
Kin shrugged. “Maybe.”
“Yes,” Angie deadpanned. “And why the hell not? Nate is yummy. I bet he knows exactly how to treat a girl—in and out of bed.”
“I had nothing to do with it,” Carolina assured me. “I’m just here for the company.”
“Maybe I don’t want to be set up,” I groaned. “I’m just fine without a man in my life, thanks.”
“Sweetie, you have a man in your life, whether you want to admit it or not.” Kin put an arm around me. “Stop wearing your heart out on Gray and try giving someone else a chance.”
I wanted to be mad at them, but she had a valid point; so did Angie. I stood there, sipping at my drink and watching Nate as he worked. From time to time, he would glance my way and wink, which made my cheeks instantly fill with pink, but the more he did it, the more I liked it.
Carolina had to go, so Kin and Angie walked her out so she could grab a cab. I gave her a hug goodbye and stayed where I was, curious about this Nate guy. He didn’t flirt with every chick who came up to the bar like I had expected him to, if for no other reason but to get a better tip. Instead, he was completely professional with everyone, male and female alike. He laughed and talked to everyone, but if anyone tried to flirt or touch him, he quickly found something else to do.
I liked that. A lot.
A few minutes after the others had left me there, Nate came back over to refill my drink. “All alone?”
I bit into the inside of my bottom lip and shrugged. “They walked Carolina out and should be back soon.”
“Give me your phone,” he urged, tugging it out of my hand.
After only a small hesitation, I released it, and he showed me what he was doing as he punched his information into my contact list. When he was done, he texted himself so he could have my number and then handed the phone back.
“Want to grab something to eat tomorrow night?” He must have read my continued hesitation, because he smiled reassuringly. “Nothing heavy, little Kassa. It’s just dinner.”
I grimaced. “The last date I had ended pretty…explosively.”
His bluish-green eyes narrowed. “How so?”
I lowered my lashes so he couldn’t see the memories in my eyes just in case. I pushed the image of me and Gray in my car from my head. “The guy wasn’t as nice as he seemed to be,” I told him instead.
“I get that,” he said with a nod, his expression serious. “I’m not going to tell you I’m a good guy because there are days that I’m a total dickhead. But I like you already, and I would like the chance to show you that, sometimes, I am a nice guy after all.”
I found myself leaning forward, a smile teasing at my lips. “So…tomorrow? Seven?”
His grin was infectious. “Seven it is.”
“What’s happening at seven?” a new voice asked beside me.
I turned and found Sin standing beside me. “Hi, stranger,” I greeted, ignoring his question. “Where have you been hiding? I’ve been here for a week and haven’t seen you once.”
He draped an arm over my shoulder. “Been working, sweetheart. This is my first night off in a week.” He glanced back at Nate, who was standing up straighter now. “I’ll take a beer, man.”
Nate bent and pulled a beer out of the fridge below the bar. After popping the top off, he set it in front of Sin. “Call me, Kas,” he murmured with a wink as he went to take care of his other customers.
I watched him go for only a moment before turning ba
“You going out with that guy?” he asked.
My eyebrows lifted at his accusing tone. “It’s just a date. I’m not marrying the man, Sin.”
He took a deep swallow of his beer, but his gaze stayed on me the whole time.
I refused to squirm under his appraisal.
“Gray know about it?”
That made me laugh. “Gray has nothing to do with me dating anyone. It’s none of his business—or yours, either, for that matter.” I put my back against the bar so I could face him. “Let’s not talk about him anyway. Tell me what’s been going on with you. I kind of missed you.”
His lips twitched with the barest of smiles, which for Sin was like a full-blown grin. He didn’t smile much, and that made me sad. Without thinking, I touched his arm, the one that was scarred up from the dog bite he had gotten protecting me. Ever since that day, I’d felt like we had a stronger connection. Not as strong as the one I had with Gray, but for this guy, it was the strongest connection he had with anyone else.
As my thumb skimmed over the teeth marks, he sighed and pulled back a little, which made my hand drop to my side. “Let’s at least find a seat,” he grumbled. “I kind of missed you too.”
My smile was beaming as I followed him to a couch across the room. “I knew it. I’m wearing you down.”
His chuckle was hard, but with him, that was like getting a full belly laugh. We sat, keeping half the couch between us because he hated to be crowded in, and talked for a long while before Kin and Angie came back. But they weren’t alone.
Jace and Gray went over to the bar to get themselves a beer while Kin and Angie came to sit with us. Angie sat on the arm of the couch and Kin made me scoot over so she didn’t have to sit beside Sin, who in her eyes was just as bad as Gray, if not worse.
As the guys walked over, Gray gave his friend a hard look when he saw how I was sitting closer to Sin. He bent and lifted me into his arms as if I weighed no more than a doll. Then he sat in my place with me on his lap. As he arranged me on his legs, I glared at him.
“You know,” I said, “there are two more couches over there. You could have pulled either of them over and sat there.”