Teagan's Story: Her Battle With Epilepsy by Talia Jager
“I’d share, but you wouldn’t want it,” I joked. The boys just hung around goofing off following us from store to store while we spent the day shopping for hats and scarves for my head. No parents around. No siblings around. Nobody watching my every move. Just me and my friends.
“So, you just hold her hand?” I heard Mandi asking. We were having lunch in the food court.
I looked down and saw that Lainey was holding my hand. “Yup,” she answered. “It’s our thing.”
I smiled and squeezed her hand. “It helps me know that I was gone for a minute and I know somebody’s there for me.”
“Always.” She smiled and let go.
“That’s neat,” Mandi said.
“My mom would do it. Lainey kind of took her place now that she’s gone.”
“Are you nervous about Thursday?” Maddie asked.
“Yeah!”
“You don’t seem it.”
“I’m trying not to dwell on it, which is very hard. I’m just trying to have a good time before I have one awful summer.”
We spent the rest of the day together and I went home after dinner.
“You enjoying yourself?” Connor asked.
“Yeah. It’s so great to be out with my friends. Thank you for letting me do this.”
“You’re welcome. I know it’s what you want. I’m a little stressed out, but at least you’re enjoying this week. The rest of the summer won’t be so awesome.”
“I know. It’s going to be hard. But, I have you and Kate and all my friends to come cheer me up.”
He nodded. “So, what do you have planned for tomorrow?”
“Just hanging out, I guess. My last day. I’m going to eat something scrumptious and laugh a lot.”
“Okay.” He hugged me. “I’ll see you tomorrow then.” He went off to bed.
Wednesday flew by. I did exactly what I said I’d do. We all went to the park and I stayed on the swings for an hour. I had always loved to swing. I had a greasy cheeseburger for dinner and another brownie sundae for dessert. I ate it all myself. “You sure you’re okay?” Lainey asked.
“Nope, I’m a nervous wreck. I can’t stop thinking that this might be my last day alive. Or my last day as a walking, talking person.” I swallowed hard. “I keep second guessing myself.”
“You can cancel it.”
“No, I know I have to do this. But, there are always the ‘what ifs’.”
“You’re going to be okay,” she said. I nodded praying that I would.
It was very hard to walk in the house when they dropped me off. Everybody hugged me. They all looked like they were just barely hanging on. I wiped my tears away. “I expect to see you all tomorrow while I’m still aware.”
Lainey gave me a big hug. “I love you.”
“Love you, too.”
Then Zander kissed me. “You remember how much I love you.”
I nodded. “I love you.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
The walk from the car into the hospital was a quiet one. Connor and Kate walked hand in hand in front of me. I followed slowly, pausing before going inside. I took a last look at the outside world. Breathing the morning air in deeply, I closed my eyes and nodded to myself. I needed to do this. It was my only chance.
I got put into an observation room and all the paperwork was completed. A technician attached a bunch of electrodes to my head. Now I had to spend the next twenty-four hours like this. I prayed that this would show the doctors what they needed to know so they wouldn’t have to do the other part of the test and could get right to the surgery.
The room was big. It had brown walls, almost like a hard wood floor. The floor was a shiny green color. The bed was a basic hospital bed. There was a rocking chair, a sleeper chair, and a couple regular chairs in the room. The room had its own bathroom, which was nice. Mirrors lined one of the walls. Behind it was an observation area with all kinds of computers and things. There would always be someone there. There were also computers in the room, so the doctors could work with me. I noticed a couple video cameras around so they could record everything that happened. There was one big window that let in some light. Thankfully, there was a TV to keep me busy.
The day passed slowly. All my friends were allowed in because there wasn’t anything real important going on. They had weaned me off some of the medication. I had lots of absence seizures. I constantly found Lainey holding my hand. I didn’t have any tonic-clonic seizures though.
The night was even longer. I didn’t sleep well. Dr. Logan came and saw me the next morning. “The test didn’t show enough. If you want to proceed, we will take you to the OR. When you get there, we will shave your head, and make an incision. We will have to take a part of your skull off and insert the electrodes. Then we will close your scalp. When we are done, you will have a CT scan, and then come back to this room. What do you want to do?”
“All my hair?” I ran my hand through it.
“Yes,” he replied, confirming what I already knew.
Locking eyes with Connor, I nodded. “Okay.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“I’m not positive how aware you’ll be this week. You might want to do any talking you need to now,” he said. I met his eyes and nodded understanding this was his way of telling me to say goodbye just in case.
I swallowed hard. “Connor, thank you for letting me do this.”
“I just hope it helps.” He wiped away his tears.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“You will stay, right?”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“And let Zander and Lainey come in when they allow it. It’s okay. They help me be strong. Whatever the news is… good or bad, okay?”
He nodded. “Okay.”
“Promise? And promise to keep all your promises from before?”
“I promise.” He bent over and kissed me.
“Kate?”
She looked up through her tears. “Yeah?”
“I love you, too. Take care of Connor.”
She took my hand. “I love you, Teagan. I’ll be right here with you.”
I turned to the doctor. “I’m ready now.”
* * *
I was in what seemed to be a dark fog. I could hear people talking, I could hear machines humming, but I could not wake up. I was so tired. A while later, someone shone a light in my eyes. I stirred. “Teagan, its Dr. Logan. Can you open your eyes for me?”
Slowly, I opened them. “Thank you. You have gotten through the surgery,” he said. “All the electrodes are in place and now hooked up. We did the scan, which looks good, and you’ve been sleeping for a few hours now. We are going to wean you off the rest of the medication slowly. As your body gets less and less, you will probably start to have more seizures. We’re going to monitor them. Then we will proceed with mapping your brain.” I couldn’t respond. I just didn’t have the energy. “I told your brother all of this; he will remember it for you.”
A few minutes later Connor and Kate came in. I couldn’t keep my eyes open for very long. I smiled at them and closed my eyes again. I could hear Connor crying, but I couldn’t comfort him. My head hurt too much and I was just so tired.
When I opened my eyes again, Kate was sitting next to me, holding my hand. “Hi.” She smiled seeing me awake. I smiled back. “Connor went to the bathroom. He was a little… emotional.” I could tell that she had been crying too.
“Do I… look… that… bad?” I managed to ask.
She smiled again. “No, Honey. It’s just hard to see you like this.”
I let my fingers explore my head. It was covered in bandages. “My hair…” I was surprised I felt such a loss. I didn’t think I’d care that much about it. Now, the tears ran down my face.
“I have it,” she said, surprising me. “I didn’t know if you’d want to keep some or if you’d want to donate it or have a wig made, so I asked the doctor fo
I closed my eyes again and tried to relax a little. I knew I was on pain medication, but my headache was horrible. Why couldn’t they give me more meds? I tried to stay awake a little longer. I looked around the room. I wondered how many people were behind the mirror, watching. “Does it feel weird?” Kate asked.
“Just hurts.”
“I bet.” she sighed. “Zander and Lainey are out in the waiting room. We all told them we didn’t know when they’d be allowed in, but they insisted on staying anyway.” I smiled. It made me happy to know how much they cared. “Maybe they can visit before your seizures start in?” she suggested. “Would you like me to ask? Or would you rather they not see you?”
“I’d like to see them.”
“Okay, I’ll go see what Dr. Logan says.”
A while later, I heard the door open again. When I opened my eyes, I saw Lainey and Zander. “Hi.”
“Hi.” Zander leaned over and kissed me on the lips.
“How are you feeling?” Lainey asked.
“Bad,” I told her.
She took my hand. “You’re so swollen.”
“Side effect.”
“Wow, there is a lot going on in here,” Zander said, looking around.
They stayed for a few minutes. “We have to go. But, we’re going to be back soon. We’ll be here so much, you will be begging us to leave.” Lainey giggled. I smiled. Then she looked real sad and serious, “I know this was your choice and we’re supposed to be happy that you might get better, but I hate seeing you like this. I hate not being able to be in here with you, holding your hand.” Tears ran down her face.
I squeezed her hand as hard as I could. “You’re always holding my hand.”
She smiled. “That’s right. Even when I’m not here. You remember that every time you have a seizure or if you feel lonely or scared.”
“I will.”
She smiled and hurried out the door.
Zander kissed me again. “I love you.”
“Love you, too.”
That’s all he had to say. I saw it all in his eyes, the fear and the love.
Connor and Kate came back in just as I drifted off to sleep.
“Teagan?” I heard voices. “Can you open your eyes?” I did. “Good, you doing okay?”
“Yeah,” I mumbled.
“You’ve had two seizures in the last hour,” Dr. Logan said.
“Good,” I said, before drifting back to sleep.
* * *
Over the next forty-eight hours, I had four tonic-clonic seizures and a whole lot of absence seizures. I felt like I was constantly having them. “Is it going to keep getting worse?” I asked.
“Possibly,” Dr. Logan replied. “We’re going to try and get started on the mapping tomorrow.”
I tried watching some TV that night, but it was ridiculously hard. The number of absence seizures I was having was making me miss more than half the shows. At least it gave me something to do though.
The next day I was out of it a lot. Dr. Logan was there and he was talking, but I missed most of what he said. He talked a lot about the mapping procedure they were going to be starting. “Teagan?”
I opened my eyes again. “Yeah?”
“I’m going to start in a few minutes. The computer will send messages to the electrodes and they will test the different parts of your brain. Your arm or leg might move on its own. I will be asking you to identify pictures and you might not be able to say the word. That’s okay. We need to find out where in your brain all this takes place,” Dr. Logan explained. “You ready?”
“Yup.” I said, forcing a smile.
The testing got underway a few minutes later. At first I felt nothing. Then – just as he said – different parts of my body would tingle. My arm moved by itself. It was really weird. After a couple hours of this, a nurse came and held pictures in front of me. “I need you to tell me what each one is.”
“Okay.”
She held up a picture of a plane, dog, house, and other very easily identifiable things. She held up colors, numbers, and letters. I found myself stuttering at times. I’d stop and not be able to say the word. I knew that this is what Dr. Logan had been talking about, but it was strange and frustrating not being able to say the words.
I saw my arm start twitching at one point and I heard someone yell to stop the testing. I actually felt myself losing control. Then I lost consciousness.
I woke up later and they tried to finish some of the testing they had been doing. I had only answered a few questions when I felt another one coming on.
Voices woke me the next time. “Don’t you have enough yet?”
“Almost. There are still a few areas left we need to test.”
“I can’t…” I mumbled.
“Teagan?” Connor took my hand. “How are you doing?”
“I can’t keep doing this.”
“Doctor, I understand that you need more information. She’s had way too much for today. Can you finish it tomorrow?” Kate asked.
“That would be fine,” Dr. Logan replied. “Teagan, get some rest. We’ll finish up in the morning.”
“Can she go back on the medications?” Connor asked.
“No. But, we can give her medicine to stop the seizures, if she has one.”
I fell asleep again. I couldn’t stay awake. I dreamt of my mother. We were walking on a beach. The sun was shining down on us. I let the waves touch my toes. It was a nice peaceful dream. My mom held my hand. I heard other voices. They seemed like they were coming from the clouds. I realized that someone was talking in the room and I opened my eyes. Lainey was there and she was holding my hand. “Hey,” she whispered.
I smiled. “Hi.”
“How you doing?” She looked like she was holding back tears.
“It’s okay,” I lied.
“They let us in for a few minutes. I wanted you to know that we’re here.”
I squeezed her hand a little. “I know.”
“You can do this. Finish it and be done.” She smiled, giving me some encouragement.
“Yeah…”
Zander came into view. “Hi beautiful.” I tried to laugh, but I just couldn’t. “You’re doing great,” he said. “I love you.”
“Love you,” I whispered.
I tried to sit up a little bit as Dr. Logan came in. “Good morning, Teagan. How are you doing?”
“Tired,” I answered, rubbing my eyes.
“We’ll get started in a few minutes. Hopefully, we’ll be done in a couple hours.”
“How long until we get the results?” Connor asked.
“Not too long,” Dr. Logan answered. “We’ve gone over some of what we did yesterday. If we finish early, we should know by the end of the day or tomorrow what we’re going to do.”
Kate and Connor took turns sitting next to me and holding my hand. I tried to pay attention and do what the doctors wanted me to do. Again, my body reacted in weird ways sometimes. Towards the end, I had another seizure.
When I woke up, my head pounded, my body ached and I just started crying. I was so drained and weak. “Done?” I asked.
“I have two more to do,” Dr. Logan said. “Can you bear with me?”
I wiped my tears away. “I’ll try.” It was the longest twenty minutes of my life. The pain was horrific. The lights hurt my eyes. The normal hospital noises made me cringe. “Please…” I begged.
“We’re done, Teagan.” I closed my eyes and took some deep breaths. I could hear him talking. “We’ll go over everything and let you know.” The doctor gave instructions to put me back on the meds and let me rest. I slept for the rest of the day.
Chapter Twenty-Three
My head was still throbbing, but I tried to concentrate on what Dr. Logan was saying. “The results of the brain mapping pretty much showed what I feared. We cannot narrow it down enough to take a piece of the brain out. However, the other surgery we talked about is st
“Does it help?” I whispered, not remembering what was said about it before.
“It’s about 70% to 90% helpful. I believe it will reduce the number of seizures you have. Instead of having one a week, you might have just a few every year. This surgery prevents the spreading of seizure activity from one side of the brain to the other.”
“How is the procedure performed?” Connor asked.
“She’ll be put under with general anesthesia; we’ll expose the brain and pull the two hemispheres slightly apart. Then we cut the fibers. That’s it. We close up.”
“Sounds so easy,” Kate said.
“It is still brain surgery. There are still risks, the biggest being bleeding and air embolisms.”
“Brain damage?” I asked.
“Hopefully none. There is always that risk. There have been reports of a weakness on one side of the body, bladder incontinence is another that has been reported but it’s associated with damage done in surgery.
“Some people have reported an increase in aggressive outbursts, but those were in people who also had mental handicaps. Some patients find themselves more aware of their surroundings or may be frustrated more easily,” he took a sip of his coffee. “Right after the surgery, you may not be able to verbalize readily or respond like normal. But, usually by the second day the patients begin to return to normal.
“We will do an MRI after surgery, but before you come back to your room. Now, you may have a bunch of seizures the first week. For some reason, many patients have a really bad first week or two after surgery. Then the seizures reduce or go away.”
“Is this my only option?” I asked.
“We can always stop now and try new medications. Or continue on the medications you’re on now and just deal with the seizures. But, surgery wise… this is it.”
“Can we have a few minutes to talk about it?” Connor asked.
“Of course.”
The doctor left and we sat silently in the room. I opened my eyes and looked at Connor. The lights, even though dimmed, seemed so bright, that it made my head hurt even more. Tears ran down my face. “I have to do this.”
Connor took my hand. “Are you absolutely sure?”
“Yes.”
“You could die.”
“I know.”
“You could be brain damaged.”