Tear by Rachel Van Dyken
I looked down at my trembling hands. “No.”
He cursed again and pulled out of the parking lot. I tried to sit up to buckle my seatbelt, but by the time I fumbled with the lock, he had already driven into the McDonald’s driveway.
He ordered me fries, ice cream, and a Coke.
“Sugar, salt, carbs, and caffeine.” Alec parked in a nearby lot and turned off the car. He pushed the food towards me and nearly growled when he said, “Eat. Now.”
“No.”
“Nat, I’m not in the mood to argue with you.”
“And I’m not in the mood to hear about your entire sordid history with Demetri, but that’s what happened about fifteen minutes ago!”
Alec’s eyes widened, he looked away and didn’t say anything for a very long time.
“He told you everything.”
I nodded even though he wasn’t looking at me. “Tell me it isn’t’ true.”
Alec laughed bitterly. “I can’t do that.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
After a heavy sigh, Alec looked at me his eyes full of sadness. “I can’t deny the truth. I did everything he said, and what’s probably worse is I got her hooked on drugs in the process.”
I closed my eyes.
“Nat…” His voice was a whisper.
“Just take me home.”
We rode home in silence. My brain tried to put together the pieces of the puzzle. Alec had single-handedly destroyed a woman’s life, all because of his cocky attitude and rock star ways. He hurt his brother so much that I’m surprised they still spoke to one another. And now it all made sense.
Being first and second.
The way they had switched roles.
Demetri dealt with pain the way Alec had originally dealt with life. Drink, have sex, and numb yourself to everything around you. Alec shied away, like a turtle in a shell, continuing to punish himself for the crappy decisions he made.
When the car pulled up to my house I didn’t move.
“Nat…”
I closed my eyes, unable to believe I was about to utter the words that I was thinking. “Tell me everything.”
“It’s complicated. I don’t think...”
“Tell me. Now.”
Chapter Twenty-three
Alec’s story was worse than Demetri’s account. The only difference was what he had already admitted to. He was a cocky piece of work and was pissed at his brother for messing up a huge deal for them with a new TV show that was supposed to document their entire tour.
He was also, as he admitted, jealous that Demetri had a girl who loved him so completely, so when Demetri made the bet out of humor, Alec took him seriously.
“Heroin.” He laughed humorlessly. “I told her it would help her relax.” Alec refused to look at me. “We had been partying all weekend and Demetri was already in bed. She was drunk.”
I wiped some stray tears from my eyes. And kept listening.
“It was all over within twenty minutes. Neither of us was really thinking. Had I been thinking, I wouldn’t have gone through with it. But alcohol? Drugs? They have a way of messing with you. I knew what I was doing, I just didn’t care. I knew it was wrong, but I felt so good — it felt so good — that I refused to acknowledge there would be any consequences.” He cursed and shook his head. “Demetri found us in bed together.”
My heart was in my throat.
“I’ve never seen that look on his face before. They had a huge fight, broke up, and we didn’t hear from her again until we found out she was pregnant. By then we also found out she was hooked on everything under the sun, made easy by yours truly, considering I paid her off to keep her mouth shut.”
We sent her into rehab. Our little boy, whom I never met, went to his grandma’s. The next we heard from her, she was released from rehab and sounded really happy. I apologized again and told her how sorry I was. She and Demetri talked on the phone and got in a fight. She, um… She went to pick up Gabe and was hit in a head on collision. She went the wrong way on the freeway.”
I closed my eyes and spoke, my voice hoarse from trying to keep my emotions in check. “So the canceled concert tour this year? The time off?”
“Grief counseling and addiction.”
“Addiction?”
“Not me, Nat.” Alec bit his lip. “I don’t touch the stuff. I don’t touch anything. It ruined a part of me that I don’t think I’ll ever get back. The addiction? That would be my brother’s. Also my fault.”
“He makes his own choices. It’s not your fault.” I had no idea why I was defending him.
He laughed bitterly. “Yeah, I think it is, Nat. It was all me. I was the partier, the wild one. I never got in trouble, I never had any consequences. Somehow, I got lucky, and for some reason I never felt addicted. I just liked the feeling drugs gave me. That was not the case with Demetri.”
“Is he on drugs now?”
“I don’t know.” Alec shrugged. “He’s drinking heavily again, that much is clear. Nat…” He turned to me. “You don’t have to stay. You can go.” His eyes watered. “I kill everything I touch. It’s like I’m poison.”
“No!” I reached for him but he jerked back. I reached for him again and pulled him into my arms, the console kept us from being closer, but I needed to reassure him. I needed him to know that I was there for him.
“Alec, look at me.” His gaze fluttered to mine. “What you did was messed up. I’m not going to deny it. Nor am I going to say that I’m not seriously tempted to jump out of this car and run away from you, but I love you. I love who you are now. The man you are now. If those things wouldn’t have happened to you, who knows where you would be?”
Alec trembled in my arms his body tight with tension. “Nat, you have to know. I’m not that guy anymore. I don’t even know who that guy was, I just—”
My kiss was forceful and pleading. I wrapped my hands around his shoulders, jerking him closer to me. His tongue licked my lower lip then dove into my mouth instantly driving me insane. Never had I been kissed so desperately. My body was on fire for him. I needed to be closer. Part of me believed that if I just showed him, rather than used my words, how I felt, he would begin to understand the depth of my feelings.
“Nat—” Alec groaned against my mouth, his hands gripping my shoulders as he pushed me tenderly away. “I love you so much, you know that right? I would never do anything to hurt you.”
“I know.”
Rain began to fall, sounding like a loud applause. I smiled, and grabbed my backpack. “Race you to the house?”
Alec’s jaw seemed to relax in relief, his smile warmed me. “Yeah, Nat, race you to the house.”
I beat him, mainly because I cheated. I was closest to the door, and it’s possible that I threw my bag at him in order to make it there in time.
Alec laughed. He was drenched from head to toe. His plain grey t-shirt plastered against his body. Suddenly it was extremely difficult to breathe as I watched his chest rise and fall. My eyes drifted shut as he reached out and traced my face with his hand. “You’re so beautiful, Nat.”
Not compared to him. He was a god among teenagers, and he was all mine. I rose to my tiptoes expectantly. He chuckled and lifted me off the ground for a kiss and crushed his lips to mine.
I wanted so many things. To sigh, to laugh, to tell him to never let me go. But our moment was interrupted when the door was thrown open.
“Get a room or something,” Demetri grumbled pushing past us, he wasn’t even walking in a straight line.
Alec cursed. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?”
“Out!” Demetri stumbled to his car and threw open the door. The wind picked up, whipping it across my face. My teeth began to clatter.
“The hell you are!” Alec ran toward the car and tried to jerk the door open, but Demetri locked the doors and slammed the car into drive. “Demetri! Don’t!” Alec yelled until his voice was hoarse.
The Mercedes peeled out of the driveway and to
“Damnit!” Alec kicked the ground then ran to the side of his car and quickly jumped in. “Get in, Nat.”
I did as I was told, still stunned that Demetri would be that stupid to get behind a wheel when he was wasted.
We followed in a tense silence, looking down the streets for any sign of Demetri. I didn’t want to try his phone. The last thing we needed was for him to answer it while driving and hit something.
I heard the sirens first.
Alec was still busy cursing to himself and blaming himself for every little thing on the planet.
I prayed I was wrong.
But that same feeling that overtook me on the first day of school - the one that made me wonder if life was ever going to be the same - washed over me. The hair raised on the back of my arms. I closed my eyes and prayed, prayed that I was wrong. Prayed that Demetri was okay.
We turned the corner.
And I saw his car.
He had taken the corner too fast and gone straight into an abandoned building. I could only see the taillights of the crushed car.
Within minutes we heard sirens. I choked back a sob. “Alec, pull over!”
“I can’t, Nat! I have to find Demetri, I have to—” The words died on his lips as he glanced at the accident ahead of us.
“No.” He shook his head while he pulled into the spot across the street. “No.” He slammed the car door and ran outside. My eyes filled with tears. I ran out of the car and grabbed my phone. Alec was yelling at the cops, the paramedics, everyone.
“Mom?” I yelled when she answered. “Mom! It’s Demetri! He’s been in an accident! I’m here. I’m safe, yes. Mom, the ambulance is here. Oh, Mom, I don’t know what to do.” I sobbed into the phone. “Mom, I need you now!”
The phone clicked off. Within minutes my mom had her arms around me pulling me into a tight embrace. The paramedics emerged from the building with Demetri lying across a stretcher.
Blood was everywhere.
Alec was shouting.
I wanted to fall to the ground, but I knew Alec needed me. I had to be strong. My mom walked me over to him, without thinking we both pulled him into a tight hug. And cried. All three of us.
“Are you his brother?” a man asked.
“Yes.” I answered for Alec. He seemed to be in shock still.
“If you’re riding with us, we need to go now.” He jumped into the ambulance. Alec looked at me.
“Go!” I pushed him towards the doors. “We’ll follow.”
He nodded, seeming almost relieved that I made the decision for him.
Alec jumped into the ambulance. I reached for his hand and grabbed the keys out of it then ran back to his SUV.
My mom wordlessly got into her car. We both followed the ambulance the few miles it was to the hospital.
I was too numb to even know what I was doing. I mechanically parked as close as possible, then jumped out and ran as fast as I could toward the emergency room. My mom was close behind, but she was prattling into her phone.
The minute the doors opened I figured out why.
Dad was standing with his cell phone in his hand. He was in normal clothes again, meaning he was on his way home.
“Dad, you have to—“ I fell into his arms.
“Nat.” He hugged me tight. “He’s going to be fine. I’m going in right now.”
“Don’t let him die, just don’t let him…” I fell to the ground. My mom was behind me, trying to pull me into her arms. The last thing I saw when I looked up was my dad’s disappearing form as he ran into the emergency room.
“Nat?” Alec’s voice cracked behind me.
My mom helped me to my feet. But I was only up for a second before Alec pulled me into his arms. His body tense with exhaustion and worry. I rubbed his back. I knew I needed to be strong. As much as I was blaming myself for Demetri’s actions, I knew Alec was taking it harder. He always did. It was like he lived with guilt over every bad choice Demetri made.
It felt like one of the horrible nightmares I had been having. Only, I wasn’t the one hit with the car, nor was I the one in the accident. Exhausted, I fell against Alec. His strong hands came around my stomach, pulling me into a backward hug. My eyes darted to my mom who was speaking to one of the triage nurses.
I felt Alec sigh behind me. “We should go sit down.”
My throat felt all closed up. I wasn’t sure I could trust myself to speak without breaking down.
We sat in silence for over an hour and still hadn’t heard anything. My grip on Alec’s hand hadn’t lessened any. I wasn’t even sure he knew I was still sitting next to him. His eyes were trained on the double doors leading into the emergency room.
“He’s going to be okay,” I finally said, my hand clenching even tighter than before.
Alec said nothing. He didn’t even blink.
I let go of his hand and began rubbing the back of his neck, desperate for him to make any sort of noise, or at least acknowledge that I was there. I didn’t want him to feel alone.
“Alec,” I tried again. “Is there anyone I need to call?”
Slowly, Alec shook his head. “I don’t know, I can’t think right now…”
“Your manager? Agent? Someone to handle the media?”
“Crap.” Alec finally broke his stare from the double doors and looked at me. “Nat, I don’t think I can do it, I can’t—” His voice cracked.
“Give me your phone.” I held out my hand.
Alec dug into his pocket and gave me his sleek silver iPhone, typing in the password before he gave it to me.
I scrolled through the address book. Alec was still tense next to me, but he watched me and then pointed out his agent’s number.
I nodded and dialed.
Explaining the accident was earth-shaking. I didn’t want to talk about it, but I was doing this for both Alec and Demetri. I repeated the story over twelve times to their managers, assistants, agents. Over an hour later I was finally hanging up and Alec’s phone was blinking that it only had 20% battery power left.
My head pounded with the start of a headache as I shoved the phone back into his hand. “Thank you,” he murmured.
I embraced him tightly and laid my head over his shoulder. “Any word?”
He shook his head. “Nothing.”
“Is there anything else I can do?” I asked in a small voice.
Alec relaxed a bit and flashed me a small smile. “Honestly, Nat. You’ve gone above and beyond the call of duty. Just sit by me. It helps.”
“I love you.”
He was silent.
Dread filled my belly as I waited for his response. Did this change things between us? Did he blame me for Demetri’s freak out?
“I love you too, Nat.” His voice was hoarse.
Tears pooled in my eyes, and then the double doors flew open. My dad strode towards us, his eyes were tired. I could see the strain on his face.
It seemed like time stood still. Each step he took toward us felt like an eternity. I realized if I just concentrated on the floor where he was stepping, listened to the steady cadence of his shoes against the tile, I wouldn’t pass out. I could even my breathing.
“Alec.” My dad. The very same dad who hadn’t once hugged me in my whole life, pulled my boyfriend into the tightest hug I’ve ever seen, and then opened his arms to me.
We stayed like that for a few minutes. Dad stepped back. “He’s going to be fine.”
I lost it.
Tears streamed down my face, my body wracked with sobs. Alec wordlessly pulled me to his side. “Can we see him?”
“Not yet.” My dad looked from Alec to me. “We had to induce a coma so he could heal. We’ll pull him out of it when I think he’s out of the woods. He has four broken ribs, and a bruised spleen. His left wrist is completely shattered and one of his lungs was punctured. He has a mild concussion, and his face is severely bruised. His right cheek bone is fractured but other than that he
Yeah, other than his entire body being broken. I could feel Alec tense next to me. I knew what he was thinking. His brother was okay, but he could have died. He’s also left-handed, meaning he wouldn’t be able to play guitar for quite a while. I knew enough about Demetri to know music was his only escape. I shuddered to think of what he would turn to if he didn’t have his music.
“Sir?” Alec’s voice cracked. “Thank you. I don’t know what to say. Other than I owe you everything.”
My dad smiled genuinely and patted Alec on the back. “It was my pleasure. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go check on our patient.”
Guilt stabbed my chest. I had always thought my parents didn’t care. Was it possible that they actually did? For my dad to do what he did, to embrace me, and then be so genuine with Alec. Confused, I just kept my mouth shut and allowed my brain to replay images of my past.
“Nat,” Alec whispered next to me. My head snapped up. “Thank you, for taking care of things, for the calls and—” He shook his head and licked his lips then looked back down at the floor. “I honestly don’t know what I would do without you.”
I hugged him tight. “I’m sorry, Alec. If I could have known, maybe—”
“No.” Alec jerked back and glared. “Don’t even think about blaming yourself for this! We all go through crap, Nat. That’s life. It’s how you react to it that defines the person you grow into.”
“Wise words from a nineteen year old. I wonder if you listen to your own advice?”
Alec cursed. “My situation is different, believe me. What I did, it was unforgiveable. I’m lucky my brother still talks to me.”
“It’s not different.”
“The hell it isn’t!” He yelled, his eyes widening, his mouth tense.
“Fine.” I snapped. “How is it different? How is what you did any different?”
“I caused this!” Alec bolted from his seat and began pacing in front of me. “Do you even know the type of guy Demetri was before all this? Innocent little virgin who wouldn’t even touch alcohol if someone paid him to! I protected him from everything and—”