Tell Me Who I Am by Julia Navarro
“A roundup... they shot at us... but I got away.”
Ilse didn’t know what to do, she didn’t want to get me involved, but she didn’t trust anyone enough to ask them to help. But she did know of one person whom she could trust, who wouldn’t ask any questions, who would help her.
She locked Erich into the room and ran out of the Academy of Sciences to go to Max and Amelia’s house.
Amelia opened the door and saw the despair and fear in Ilse’s face.
“Help me! I don’t know what to do.”
She told Amelia everything that had happened, and Amelia told her to calm down and give her a few minutes to get ready.
She went to the Academy with Ilse; at that time of the morning, scientists and other employees were beginning to arrive. They walked in calmly. Amelia asked Ilse to pretend as if nothing was amiss.
They got to the storeroom and Ilse unlocked the door.
She was surprised to see Amelia take a bandage out of her bag, examine where Erich was bleeding from, and bandage his torso extremely tightly.
“Can you walk?”
“I don’t know...”
“You’ll have to try if you want to get out of here.”
We started to hear noise and shouting.
“Go and see what’s going on, and when you’ve found out come back here,” Amelia told Ilse.
Ilse left the storeroom trembling, she was scared half to death. In the corridor she ran into her boss.
“Ah, Ilse, there you are! It’s a right mess here. We all have to go to the lecture theater. Apparently the police are looking for someone who could be hiding here.”
“Here?”
“Yes, there was a meeting last night, you know the sort of thing, people talking out about the government. Of course, there was a Stasi informant who had infiltrated the whole thing and there was a roundup. Someone shot at and killed a policeman, and so you can guess the kind of mood they’re in. There have been hundred of arrests.”
“But here...”
“Apparently a woman saw a man who could hardly walk around the Institute early this morning, and she told a watchman and he called the police, who are about to get here. The director of the Institute has told us all to go to the lecture theater and be identified.”
“Alright, I’ll be right along. I was in the bathroom and I came out when I heard the noise, but I’ve left my bag there.”
She went back to the little storeroom and when she told Amelia and Erich what was going on, Erich said that he’d give himself up.
“No, you can’t, they’ll kill you,” Amelia said.
“There’s no other way out.”
“We’ll see.”
The loudspeakers announced that all employees had to go to the lecture theater to identify themselves before the police arrived.
“We have to get you out of here, and you’re going to need to stand up straight even if it hurts.”
They left the storeroom, Ilse and Amelia supporting Erich one on either side. There was no one in the corridor. They heard footsteps approaching and almost ran straight into one of the building’s watchmen, a man whom everyone suspected was a Stasi informer.
“You... Why aren’t you with everyone else?” the watchman asked.
“We’re working...” Ilse was about to take her ID card out of her bag.
The watchman looked at Erich and saw that blood was seeping out through his jacket. Ilse was looking for her ID card in her bag, but the watchman must have thought that she was about to take out a gun. He took his pistol out of its holster and aimed it at them, but a second later he collapsed to the ground, to the astonishment of Ilse and Erich.
There was a silencer gun in Amelia’s hand.
“My God!” Ilse cried out.
“Shut up! If I hadn’t shot him he would have killed you, he thought you were going for your gun. And now, let’s walk.”
Ilse was terrified, as was Erich, but they obeyed her. They were on the third floor and got down to the second floor, and saw in the street the first employees who had been identified and were now standing around by the door.
“What’s on the ground floor?”
“Laboratories...”
“Is there a door that leads into that garden?”
“Yes, yes...”
“We’ll go down, we’ll try to find an exit or else leave through a window, I don’t see any policemen down there, we’ll try to mingle with the crowd of people who have already had their papers checked, then we’ll go to your car. Do you understand?”
Erich and Ilse nodded. They did as she had said, they left through a side door into the back garden and walked around the building until they could join the crowd of employees.
“Smile, Erich, and try to cover that part of your jacket with your scarf. You’re still bleeding, in spite of the bandage.”
Ilse still doesn’t know how they were able to get to the garage. Amelia took them home, and as soon as they had got Erich into bed, he fainted. They had to explain to Max what had happened.
“You have to help this man, you’re a doctor,” Amelia asked him.
“I can’t, you know I can’t. I haven’t been a doctor for more than forty years. Anyway, I don’t have anything to work with.”
“Improvise, Max, tell me what you need, I’ll look in the first aid kit, there must be something...”
“He’s bleeding to death...”
“Look at the wound, at least see if the bullet hit any vital organs.”
“How am I going to do that from the chair?”
“Max, if you don’t do it, then this man will die. You swore to save lives, so save his life.”
Ilse and Amelia between them helped my father to get close to Erich. He examined him and said that the bullet had gone right through him, but that he couldn’t be certain that there were no vital organs affected. He told them how to clean and cauterize the wound, but he told them that Erich would need a blood transfusion as soon as possible, or else he wouldn’t make it.
“That can’t happen,” Amelia said, “or at least not now.”
Amelia sent Ilse home to look after our children.
“When Friedrich comes, tell him to come over. Don’t talk to anyone in the meantime; if someone calls from your office tell them that you got scared and went home.”
“But the police will find that man...”
“Of course they’ll find him.”
“And they’ll look for us.”
“No. No one saw us. You have to be calm now and when you go to work tomorrow you need to behave like everyone else, be curious and horrified by what happened.”
“I... I’d like to thank you, it’s my fault that you’re in this mess.”
“Don’t thank me, Friedrich would never forgive me if I didn’t look after you.”
“The pistol... Why did you have a pistol? I didn’t know you...”
“It’s better to prevent things from getting nasty. And now get out, I’ll look after Erich.”
My father could scarcely believe his ears. When Ilse left, he looked at Amelia furiously.
“Again... Will this ever end?”
“Would you have preferred me not to help Ilse, or let her get killed? I didn’t have a choice.”
“Of course you had a choice! You’ve spent years justifying whatever you do with the phrase ‘I didn’t have a choice.’ There’s always a choice, Amelia, always.”
“Not for me, Max, not for me. Do you think he’ll die?” she asked, indicating Erich.
“He’s lost a lot of blood and needs a transfusion, and if he doesn’t get one then his heart might fail.”
“We can’t do anything apart from wait, maybe Friedrich will know what to do when he comes.”
“It’s dangerous for him to be here, they must be looking all over Berlin for him.”
“But nobody connects him to us.”
“Are you sure that none of the neighbors saw you come in?”
“No, I’m not sure. I think not
“We’re too old to be tortured or sent to a labor camp. If they discover us, I imagine they’ll kill us,” Max said in despair.
“They won’t do anything to you, it’s obvious that you couldn’t have helped this boy escape, I’m the only one responsible.”
“Do you think I’d be able to live without you?”
“Yes, of course you could. You’ve got Friedrich, and Ilse, and your grandchildren, who love you. You don’t need me as much as you think.”
“My life is you; you are my life.”
“Well, if that’s so, it was me who cut your life down so small.”
I was scared when I got home and saw how nervous Ilse was. I had been hearing rumors all day about what had happened, and I had even called her at home to see if she was alright. She seemed scared, but I thought that it was because all this had happened in the building where she worked.
Ilse insisted that I go to my father’s house. Erich was in an extremely bad state, in spite of the efforts that Max and Amelia had been making. When I arrived, I gave him an injection and a painkiller that was much stronger than the one Amelia had been able to find for him.
“We should take him to a hospital, or I don’t know what might happen,” I told them, although in fact I knew all too well.
Erich opened his eyes a little and tried to speak, even though he was very weak.
“Tell my friends, they...”
“Impossible. You and your friends have behaved like amateurs. If we call them we’ll end up in the hands of the Stasi,” Amelia interrupted him.
“So what are we going to do?” I asked, worried.
“You keep him alive, I’ll try to think about how to get him to a safe place.”
“He won’t survive in the basement,” I said, worrying that she wanted to take him downstairs.
“No, I don’t want to take him there. It’s not that late, I’m going to call a friend.”
Garin arrived at my father’s house half an hour later. It was years since I had last seen him, and I was shocked to see him turned into an old man, although he still stood upright and had kept his moustache, even though it was now entirely white.”
Amelia told him what had happened. He laughed, and then he slapped her on the back.
“You’re unpredictable, you always have been. You’ve been retired for years, and then all of a sudden you up and shoot a security guard and take a fugitive into your house. What do you want me to do?”
“Save him, and if possible get him out of Berlin.”
“You’re asking me something that can’t be done from one day to the next, I have to get everything sorted out and it’s not easy. I need to talk to my people, we’ll be risking a lot.”
“It’s not just his life that’s at stake,” Amelia said, pointing at Erich, “but the life of my family: Friedrich, my daughter-in-law, my grandchildren. If it weren’t for them I wouldn’t ask you. You have to do me this favor, Garin, you owe me.”
They were silent for a few minutes. Then Garin shrugged his shoulders in what appeared to be a gesture of resignation.
“I’ll do what I can, I don’t promise anything. But you have to hide him until we can get him out of here.”
“For how long?” Amelia asked.
“I don’t know, two days, three, maybe more.”
“He may not last that long.”
“Well, if he dies, then there’s no problem; it’s easier to dispose of a body than get someone out of Berlin alive.”
“How can you talk like that?” Max couldn’t contain his fury.
“Come on, my old friend, there’s no room for sentimentality in my line of work. I’ll do what I can to save Amelia’s neck, because she’s killed a security guard to protect your daughter-in-law and her friend. And she’s reminded me that I owe her a debt, so I’ll pay it and we’ll be at peace.”
I couldn’t sit around waiting for Erich to die, and I couldn’t let Amelia take all the risks either. I went back to the hospital with the excuse of examining one of my patients who was in intensive care.
I stole a couple of bags of blood and some hypodermic needles, as well as other supplies that I thought might be useful, and then got ready to go back to my father’s house. I was just about to leave when I ran into the medical chief of staff who was on duty that night.
“What are you doing here?”
“I came to see a patient, I’ve been treating him for years and they operated on him this afternoon. I promised his wife that I’d try to see how her husband was doing.”
“You look worried...”
“I am, my father’s not very well himself, he’s very weak. I was with him a while ago and he wasn’t doing so great, so I might go to his house and see how he is.”
The blood transfusion gave Erich a boost that he needed, but his temperature was still high. I gave him another injection of antibiotics. I couldn’t do any more, there was no way of telling whether he had an internal hemorrhage or a collapsed lung.
Erich hovered between life and death for two days, until Garin finally showed up.
“A friend of mine will come in half an hour with a truck, but how are we going to get him out of here?
“I’ve thought about that. We’ll take him down to the cellar and put him into an old trunk. I’ve got it ready, I’ve put in a mattress, and I’ve made a couple of holes in the roof for him to breathe through.”
“You’ve thought about everything.” Garin seemed to be impressed by Amelia’s preparations.
“I think so. Friedrich will help me to lower him down through the trapdoor that leads to the basement from our kitchen.”
We followed Amelia’s instructions. If any neighbor came to snoop around, all he would find would be some men taking some old furniture up from the cellar.
I couldn’t resist the temptation of asking Garin how they were going to get Erich out of Berlin.
“I shouldn’t answer that question and you shouldn’t ask it.”
“We should at least tell his family that he’s safe...”
I couldn’t finish my sentence. Amelia and Garin were furious and seemed about to hit me.
“You’re crazy! You’d put us all in danger. We save his life, we take him to the other side, and then he lays low for at least a year. His family will stop suffering when they know that he’s safe and sound. But you mustn’t be seen with anyone who knows him, not his friends, not his family. Tell Ilse the same, or else...” Garin’s voice was threatening.
Ilse still shudders when she remembers what happened. If Amelia had not pulled the trigger, she would be dead. So she is always grateful to Amelia for doing what she did. It was the second time that she saved us both, because if anything had happened to Ilse... I don’t know what I would have done.
A few days later I went to see my father. He was in bed, and didn’t feel too well.
“He didn’t want to get up,” Amelia said.
He had had two heart attacks, and had circulation problems, and his eyes showed all the tiredness of a long life confined in a mutilated body. I thought that my father was giving in, that he was losing the will to live.
While I was dozing next to him, I felt Amelia’s eyes boring into my face.
“You heard my last conversation with Albert James.” It was not a question.
“Yes.” I didn’t want to lie to her.
“I know. You like to listen at doors, to try to understand some of the strange things you see. Your father and I know it and we try not to talk too much when you’re awake. I knew that you were listening to us that night. And it was a great relief that you did. I needed you to know what I did to your father, you can’t imagine the number of times I asked Max to tell you the truth, but he refused, said that it would hurt you to know the truth. You know, I felt like an impostor with you for a long time.”
“I hated you for what you did to my father.”
“It’s right. You couldn’t do anything else.”
“And y
“I care more about not paying my debts, and about dragging this imposture around with me on my conscience.”
“You are a strange woman, Amelia.”
“We’re at peace now.”
Life continued monotonously, day by day. I had another couple of children, and my father died a little more every day.
At the end of the eighties, the East Germans felt that something was going to change, perestroika was altering what had previously appeared to be a monolithic and unchangeable order of things.
In October 1989, when we were getting ready to celebrate the fortieth anniversary of the foundation of the Democratic Republic, protests and demonstrations burst out onto the streets. As if that weren’t enough, Gorbachev said that he was only going to carry on supporting East Germany if a reform program was put into place. That day we realized that we were at the end of an era.
The party leaders started to get worried; so worried that they even published a document announcing reforms. They were trying to control the people’s desire for change. But Erich Honecker did not agree and maintained a hard line, using the police to suppress the discontent that could be seen in the streets.
A group within the party leadership decided that the time had come to retire Honecker and take control of the country. On October 17, 1989, the Politburo held a meeting in which they decided on the reasons for removing Honecker. In the end he had to present his resignation for what where euphemistically called “health reasons.” The Central Committee named Egon Krenz as general secretary of the party, president of the State Council and of the Committee of National Defense.
However, Krenz’s election was not seen as sign that things were opening up, and although he offered to begin a new era in the relations between the party and the people, he did not manage to make people trust him.
We all followed the news with a great desire for change, and we started to dare to talk with less care and attention.