The Adventure of the Post-Traumatic Redemption by Kevin L. O'Brien
litany of all the sins he felt guilty for. When he reached out to the judge, begging for forgiveness, he accidentally broke a mirror. That's when he realized that while he could expect forgiveness from God, he might not ever be able to expect it from himself."
"So yer saying that my guilt stems from my inability to forgive myself for what I did."
He nodded. "That's why God grants His forgiveness so freely: He knows that if we are truly sorry for what we did, we will punish ourselves far worse than He ever could."
"So, how do I forgive myself?"
"You tell me. What would convince you you're not a monster?"
"Help those I hurt."
"Isn't Mayv doing that already?"
"Yeah, that's the point. Part of why I feel so rotten is because she's doing what I should be doing, but can't."
"Why not?"
"I don't have that kinda money. The medical bills ta treat all those people must be enormous."
"So? Do what you can do."
"Like what?"
"Christ already answered that question: 'I was hungry and you fed me; I was naked and you clothed me; I was sick and you tended me; I was outcast and you took me in.' His point was that we should take care of each other, in whatever capacity we can."
"But I have so little to offer. What good could I possibly do?"
He smiled. "One day, Christ and His Disciples were in the Temple in Jerusalem, when they saw two people making offerings. One, a rich merchant, gave a small bag of gold, but the other, a poor widow, gave two copper coins. Christ turned to his companions and said, 'Truly I say to you, this widow gave more than the merchant, for he gave what he could spare out of his surplus, but she gave all she had out her poverty.'"
"Are you saying I should give away all my possessions?"
He grinned. "Not unless you plan to enter a nunnery! Do you think she deprived herself of clothing or a home, or her children of food? No, she provided for herself and her family first, but then she gave what was left. This is probably one of the most misunderstood of Christ's teachings. People tend to believe that He required his followers to live in poverty, but that wasn't the case. Rather, He taught that people should give of themselves, their wealth, and their talents fully, without hesitation or reservation. 'Give and do not count the cost.' My point to you is, it doesn't matter how small your contribution might be, it will be reckoned great as long as you give all you have and don't hold back."
"But didn't Jesus say something about rich people not getting inta Heaven?"
"That's another misunderstood teaching. A man approached Christ in the street and asked Him, 'Rabbi, what should I do to receive eternal life?' Christ said, 'Obey the Commandments.' The man answered, 'I do this already. What else should I do?' So Christ said, 'Sell your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in Heaven. Then come and follow me.' And the man turned away, dejected, and left, because he was a wealthy man. Christ turned to his Disciples and said, 'I tell you the truth, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God.' But it wasn't the man's wealth that was the problem, it was his attitude. He didn't want to give any of it up, even to help others. He was too attached to it. Christ does not demand that we give up everything we own to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, only that we give up our attachment to them, and stand ready to give as much as we need to when we need to, no matter how much is asked of us."
She smiled. "It all comes back to selfishness again."
He nodded, his eyes twinkling. "Precisely." He then looked at his watch. "Meanwhile, I'm sorry to eat and run, but I need to get back to the shelter."
"So soon?" She felt anxious as they both stood up.
"Yes, I'm sorry, but I can stop by again tomorrow, if you want."
She walked him to the front door. "But I don't know what to do to make everything right!"
"Talk it over with Sunny. I'm sure, between the two of you, you'll figure something out, but we can talk more tomorrow." He opened the door, but paused as he stepped out. Turning back towards her, he said, "Do you mind if I give you a piece of advice?"
"No, of course not; please."
"You know I am very happy to talk with you about anything anytime, but Sunny could have told you everything I did today, in her own way. The next time you feel like you're a monster, talk to her first. You may find you don't even need me."
She smiled. "Sure, John, I'll keep that in mind."
He returned her smile and nodded, then turned and headed out through the courtyard. She waited until he passed through the gate before closing the door.
She collected the coffee things and took them into the kitchen. She was only mildly surprised to see Sunny wasn't there, but she hadn't been idle. She went up to the stove to check out what was for dinner: spaghetti and meatballs, with French bread and spinach salad. Everything was set up and ready to go, including a pot of water and a vase of pasta, the spinach leaves chilling on ice, the bread cut, and the garlic butter and salad dressing waiting in covered bowls. A second, covered pot sat on a stove burner. She lifted the lid and got a whiff of tomatoes and spices. It was the sauce with the meatballs, simmering over low heat. She stirred the contents with a wooden spoon and took a taste. As usual, it was delicious. She hadn't eaten anything during her talk, and she felt famished.
She tapped the excess sauce off the spoon and replaced the lid, then went into the adjoining dining room. The table had already been set, with the good dishes, fancy napkins, and a couple of candles. She smiled as a warm glow spread over her. Sunny was so good to her, she always seemed to know just what would cheer her up. She walked out into the breakfast nook and looked outside, but Sunny wasn't working in one of her flower beds. That left upstairs, the basement, or the media room. Deciding to look there first, she walked across the nook and peered in. Sunny was dancing by herself, with a set of headphones on. She had her back to the entry, but even so, Eile figured she was so completely ditzed out she wouldn't have realized anyone was there.
She crept up behind her, and considered playing a joke, like turning the music up real loud, but thought better of it. Sunny had been being very supportive all day and it would have been cruel treating her so badly. Instead, she turned the music down. Sunny stopped and glanced around in a perplexed manner, then turned to look at the stereo. When she caught sight of Eile, she started, giving her a wide-eyed look of astonishment, but then her face broke out into a huge grin as she slipped off the headphones. She dropped them on the floor and bounced over to her, wrapping her arms around her shoulder. She returned the embrace, nestling her face into her partner's mane of gamboge hair, taking comfort in her warm softness.
"Oh, I missed you, partner!" she gushed in her ear.
"It's only been an hour, ya space-case."
Sunny stepped back, but kept her arms around her neck. "How was your talk?"
"Pretty good, actually. Very therapeutic."
"So...are you feeling better?"
"Yeah, I think I am. John told me I wasn't a monster."
Sunny gave her an exasperated look as she stepped away from her. "I coulda told you that!" She mock-slapped Eile's arm.
"Well, he said I should've talked to you first. He also said you'd help me figure out what I needed ta do ta make amends."
"Amends?"
"Yeah, restitution, ta make up for what I did."
"But it wasn't your fault!"
"That doesn't mean I don't hafta take responsibility."
"Hmm, okay. Did he make any suggestions?"
"He said I should do whatever I'm able ta do, just as long as I put my full effort inta it."
Sunny turned away, her face screwed into a thoughtful look. Eile could almost see the gears turning in her head.
"I think I know," she said finally, looking back at her. "Remember when we watched Gandhi, that scene during the Delhi riots towards the end, when the Hindu came to him? He said he was going to hell because he killed a young Muslim boy. Rememb
er what Gandhi told him?"
She shook her head.
"He said, 'I know a way out of hell. Find a small boy whose parents have been killed and raise him as your own. Only be sure he is a Muslim, and that you raise him as one.'"
She gave her a lopsided smile. "Yer sayin' I should adopt an orphan Muslim boy?"
"No, silly! But you're close. You attacked homeless street people, right?"
She nodded.
"Well, then, we adopt the street people. We help them however we can."
She felt her stomach clench. "All of them?!"
"No, of course not! All we're able to do, Sjauken said. So let's adopt the people at his homeless shelter."
Eile relaxed; that was more manageable. "What's all this 'we' stuff? You didn't hurt anyone."
"But you're my partner. Your burdens are my burdens, too. Besides, they're easier to carry if the weight's distributed between two sets of shoulders."
She couldn't help grinning, even if it was sardonic. Sunny's logic followed its own rules, but it never failed to compel her.
"Yeah, yeah. So, what'd you have in mind?"
Sunny brightened as she warmed to the idea. "Well, naturally we'll donate money when we can, but I think donating our time will be more worthwhile."
"Our time, huh?" That actually sounded like a good idea.
"Yeah! We can cook and serve meals, clean up, counsel, babysit, train them for interviews; there's probably all sorts of ways we can help out!"
She liked the sound of that. It would be a way for her to expiate her sins and help others at the same time. And it was more personal and
"So yer saying that my guilt stems from my inability to forgive myself for what I did."
He nodded. "That's why God grants His forgiveness so freely: He knows that if we are truly sorry for what we did, we will punish ourselves far worse than He ever could."
"So, how do I forgive myself?"
"You tell me. What would convince you you're not a monster?"
"Help those I hurt."
"Isn't Mayv doing that already?"
"Yeah, that's the point. Part of why I feel so rotten is because she's doing what I should be doing, but can't."
"Why not?"
"I don't have that kinda money. The medical bills ta treat all those people must be enormous."
"So? Do what you can do."
"Like what?"
"Christ already answered that question: 'I was hungry and you fed me; I was naked and you clothed me; I was sick and you tended me; I was outcast and you took me in.' His point was that we should take care of each other, in whatever capacity we can."
"But I have so little to offer. What good could I possibly do?"
He smiled. "One day, Christ and His Disciples were in the Temple in Jerusalem, when they saw two people making offerings. One, a rich merchant, gave a small bag of gold, but the other, a poor widow, gave two copper coins. Christ turned to his companions and said, 'Truly I say to you, this widow gave more than the merchant, for he gave what he could spare out of his surplus, but she gave all she had out her poverty.'"
"Are you saying I should give away all my possessions?"
He grinned. "Not unless you plan to enter a nunnery! Do you think she deprived herself of clothing or a home, or her children of food? No, she provided for herself and her family first, but then she gave what was left. This is probably one of the most misunderstood of Christ's teachings. People tend to believe that He required his followers to live in poverty, but that wasn't the case. Rather, He taught that people should give of themselves, their wealth, and their talents fully, without hesitation or reservation. 'Give and do not count the cost.' My point to you is, it doesn't matter how small your contribution might be, it will be reckoned great as long as you give all you have and don't hold back."
"But didn't Jesus say something about rich people not getting inta Heaven?"
"That's another misunderstood teaching. A man approached Christ in the street and asked Him, 'Rabbi, what should I do to receive eternal life?' Christ said, 'Obey the Commandments.' The man answered, 'I do this already. What else should I do?' So Christ said, 'Sell your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in Heaven. Then come and follow me.' And the man turned away, dejected, and left, because he was a wealthy man. Christ turned to his Disciples and said, 'I tell you the truth, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God.' But it wasn't the man's wealth that was the problem, it was his attitude. He didn't want to give any of it up, even to help others. He was too attached to it. Christ does not demand that we give up everything we own to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, only that we give up our attachment to them, and stand ready to give as much as we need to when we need to, no matter how much is asked of us."
She smiled. "It all comes back to selfishness again."
He nodded, his eyes twinkling. "Precisely." He then looked at his watch. "Meanwhile, I'm sorry to eat and run, but I need to get back to the shelter."
"So soon?" She felt anxious as they both stood up.
"Yes, I'm sorry, but I can stop by again tomorrow, if you want."
She walked him to the front door. "But I don't know what to do to make everything right!"
"Talk it over with Sunny. I'm sure, between the two of you, you'll figure something out, but we can talk more tomorrow." He opened the door, but paused as he stepped out. Turning back towards her, he said, "Do you mind if I give you a piece of advice?"
"No, of course not; please."
"You know I am very happy to talk with you about anything anytime, but Sunny could have told you everything I did today, in her own way. The next time you feel like you're a monster, talk to her first. You may find you don't even need me."
She smiled. "Sure, John, I'll keep that in mind."
He returned her smile and nodded, then turned and headed out through the courtyard. She waited until he passed through the gate before closing the door.
She collected the coffee things and took them into the kitchen. She was only mildly surprised to see Sunny wasn't there, but she hadn't been idle. She went up to the stove to check out what was for dinner: spaghetti and meatballs, with French bread and spinach salad. Everything was set up and ready to go, including a pot of water and a vase of pasta, the spinach leaves chilling on ice, the bread cut, and the garlic butter and salad dressing waiting in covered bowls. A second, covered pot sat on a stove burner. She lifted the lid and got a whiff of tomatoes and spices. It was the sauce with the meatballs, simmering over low heat. She stirred the contents with a wooden spoon and took a taste. As usual, it was delicious. She hadn't eaten anything during her talk, and she felt famished.
She tapped the excess sauce off the spoon and replaced the lid, then went into the adjoining dining room. The table had already been set, with the good dishes, fancy napkins, and a couple of candles. She smiled as a warm glow spread over her. Sunny was so good to her, she always seemed to know just what would cheer her up. She walked out into the breakfast nook and looked outside, but Sunny wasn't working in one of her flower beds. That left upstairs, the basement, or the media room. Deciding to look there first, she walked across the nook and peered in. Sunny was dancing by herself, with a set of headphones on. She had her back to the entry, but even so, Eile figured she was so completely ditzed out she wouldn't have realized anyone was there.
She crept up behind her, and considered playing a joke, like turning the music up real loud, but thought better of it. Sunny had been being very supportive all day and it would have been cruel treating her so badly. Instead, she turned the music down. Sunny stopped and glanced around in a perplexed manner, then turned to look at the stereo. When she caught sight of Eile, she started, giving her a wide-eyed look of astonishment, but then her face broke out into a huge grin as she slipped off the headphones. She dropped them on the floor and bounced over to her, wrapping her arms around her shoulder. She returned the embrace, nestling her face into her partner's mane of gamboge hair, taking comfort in her warm softness.
"Oh, I missed you, partner!" she gushed in her ear.
"It's only been an hour, ya space-case."
Sunny stepped back, but kept her arms around her neck. "How was your talk?"
"Pretty good, actually. Very therapeutic."
"So...are you feeling better?"
"Yeah, I think I am. John told me I wasn't a monster."
Sunny gave her an exasperated look as she stepped away from her. "I coulda told you that!" She mock-slapped Eile's arm.
"Well, he said I should've talked to you first. He also said you'd help me figure out what I needed ta do ta make amends."
"Amends?"
"Yeah, restitution, ta make up for what I did."
"But it wasn't your fault!"
"That doesn't mean I don't hafta take responsibility."
"Hmm, okay. Did he make any suggestions?"
"He said I should do whatever I'm able ta do, just as long as I put my full effort inta it."
Sunny turned away, her face screwed into a thoughtful look. Eile could almost see the gears turning in her head.
"I think I know," she said finally, looking back at her. "Remember when we watched Gandhi, that scene during the Delhi riots towards the end, when the Hindu came to him? He said he was going to hell because he killed a young Muslim boy. Rememb
She shook her head.
"He said, 'I know a way out of hell. Find a small boy whose parents have been killed and raise him as your own. Only be sure he is a Muslim, and that you raise him as one.'"
She gave her a lopsided smile. "Yer sayin' I should adopt an orphan Muslim boy?"
"No, silly! But you're close. You attacked homeless street people, right?"
She nodded.
"Well, then, we adopt the street people. We help them however we can."
She felt her stomach clench. "All of them?!"
"No, of course not! All we're able to do, Sjauken said. So let's adopt the people at his homeless shelter."
Eile relaxed; that was more manageable. "What's all this 'we' stuff? You didn't hurt anyone."
"But you're my partner. Your burdens are my burdens, too. Besides, they're easier to carry if the weight's distributed between two sets of shoulders."
She couldn't help grinning, even if it was sardonic. Sunny's logic followed its own rules, but it never failed to compel her.
"Yeah, yeah. So, what'd you have in mind?"
Sunny brightened as she warmed to the idea. "Well, naturally we'll donate money when we can, but I think donating our time will be more worthwhile."
"Our time, huh?" That actually sounded like a good idea.
"Yeah! We can cook and serve meals, clean up, counsel, babysit, train them for interviews; there's probably all sorts of ways we can help out!"
She liked the sound of that. It would be a way for her to expiate her sins and help others at the same time. And it was more personal and