The Comedy of Errors by William Shakespeare
mind?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS Ay, ay, he told49 his mind upon mine ear.
Beshrew50 his hand, I scarce could understand it.
LUCIANA Spake he so doubtfully51 thou couldst not feel his
meaning?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS Nay, he struck so plainly, I could too well feel
his blows, and withal so doubtfully that I could scarce
understand55 them.
ADRIANA But say, I prithee, is he coming home?
It seems he hath great care to please his wife.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS Why, mistress, sure my master is horn-mad.58
ADRIANA Horn-mad, thou villain?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS I mean not cuckold-mad60, but sure he is stark mad:
When I desired him to come home to dinner,
He asked me for a thousand marks in gold.
' 'Tis dinner-time,' quoth I, 'My gold!' quoth he.
'Your meat doth burn,' quoth I, 'My gold!' quoth he.
'Will you come home?' quoth I, 'My gold!' quoth he.
'Where is the thousand marks I gave thee, villain?'
'The pig,' quoth I, 'is burned.' 'My gold!' quoth he.
'My mistress, sir,' quoth I. 'Hang up68 thy mistress!
I know not thy mistress, out on69 thy mistress!'
LUCIANA Quoth who?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS Quoth my master:
'I know,' quoth he, 'no house, no wife, no mistress.'
So that my errand, due unto my tongue73,
I thank him, I bare home upon my shoulders,
For, in conclusion, he did beat me there.
ADRIANA Go back again, thou slave, and fetch him home.
Beats him
DROMIO OF EPHESUS Go back again, and be new77 beaten home?
For God's sake, send some other messenger.
ADRIANA Back, slave, or I will break thy pate across.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS And he will bless80 that cross with other beating:
Between you I shall have a holy81 head.
ADRIANA Hence, prating peasant82, fetch thy master home.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS Am I so round83 with you as you with me,
That like a football you do spurn84 me thus?
You spurn me hence, and he will spurn me hither:
If I last in this service, you must case me in leather.86
[Exit]
LUCIANA Fie, how impatience loureth87 in your face!
To Adriana
ADRIANA His company must do his minions grace88,
Whilst I at home starve for a merry look.
Hath homely90 age th'alluring beauty took
From my poor cheek? Then he hath wasted91 it.
Are my discourses dull? Barren my wit?92
If voluble and sharp discourse be marred93,
Unkindness blunts it more than marble hard.94
Do their gay vestments his affections bait?95
That's not my fault, he's master of my state.96
What ruins are in me that can be found,
By him not ruined? Then is he the ground98
Of my defeatures. My decayed fair99,
A sunny look of his would soon repair.
But, too unruly deer, he breaks the pale101
And feeds from home; poor I am but his stale.102
LUCIANA Self-harming jealousy! Fie, beat it hence.
ADRIANA Unfeeling fools104 can with such wrongs dispense.
I know his eye doth homage otherwhere105,
Or else what lets106 it but he would be here?
Sister, you know he promised me a chain,
Would that alone, a love he would detain108,
So he would keep fair quarter with his bed109:
I see the jewel best enamelled110
Will lose his beauty, yet the gold bides still111
That others touch112, and often touching will
Wear gold, and no man that hath a name113,
By falsehood and corruption doth it shame.
Since that my beauty cannot please his eye,
I'll weep what's left away, and weeping die.
LUCIANA How many fond117 fools serve mad jealousy?
Exeunt
[Act 2 Scene 2]
running scene 3
Enter Antipholus [of Syracuse]
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE The gold I gave to Dromio is laid up
Safe at the Centaur, and the heedful2 slave
Is wand'red forth, in care3 to seek me out
By computation and mine host's report.4
I could not speak5 with Dromio since at first
I sent him from the mart. See, here he comes.
Enter Dromio of Syracuse
How now, sir, is your merry humour altered?
As you love strokes8, so jest with me again.
You know no Centaur? You received no gold?
Your mistress sent to have me home to dinner?
My house was at the Phoenix? Wast thou mad,
That thus so madly thou didst answer me?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE What answer, sir? When spake I13 such a word?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Even now, even here, not half an hour since.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I did not see you since you sent me hence
Home to the Centaur with the gold you gave me.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Villain, thou didst deny the gold's receipt17,
And told'st me of a mistress and a dinner,
For which I hope thou felt'st19 I was displeased.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I am glad to see you in this merry vein20:
What means this jest? I pray you, master, tell me.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Yea, dost thou jeer and flout me in the teeth?22
Think'st thou I jest? Hold, take thou that, and that.
Beats Dromio
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Hold, sir, for God's sake! Now your jest is earnest24,
Upon what bargain do you give it me?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Because that I familiarly sometimes
Do use you for my fool27 and chat with you,
Your sauciness will jest upon28 my love,
And make a common of my serious hours.29
When the sun shines, let foolish gnats make sport30,
But creep in crannies when he hides his beams.
If you will jest with me, know my aspect32,
And fashion your demeanour33 to my looks,
Or I will beat this method in your sconce.34
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Sconce call you it? So35 you would leave
battering, I had rather have it a head. An you use these blows36
long, I must get a sconce for my head and ensconce37 it too, or
else I shall seek my wit in my shoulders.38 But I pray, sir, why
am I beaten?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Dost thou not know?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Nothing, sir, but that I am beaten.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Shall I tell you why?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Ay, sir, and wherefore43; for they say every
why hath a wherefore.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Why, first, for flouting me, and then,
wherefore, for urging46 it the second time to me.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Was there ever any man thus beaten out of season47,
When in the why and the wherefore is neither rhyme nor reason?
Well, sir, I thank you.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Thank me, sir, for what?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, sir, for this something that you gave51
me for nothing.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE I'll make you amends next, to give53 you
nothing for something. But say, sir, is it dinner-time?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No, sir, I think the meat wants that55 I have.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE In good time56, sir. What's that?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Basting.57
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Well, sir, then 'twill be dry.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE If it be, sir, I pray you eat none
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Your reason?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Lest it make you choleric61 and purchase me
another dry62 basting.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Well, sir, learn to jest in good time.63
There's a time for all things.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I durst have denied65 that before you were so
choleric.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE By what rule67, sir?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, sir, by a rule as plain as the plain bald
pate of Father Time69 himself.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Let's hear it.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE There's no time for a man to recover his hair
that grows bald by nature.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE May he not do it by fine and recovery?73
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Yes, to pay a fine for a periwig74 and recover
the lost hair75 of another man.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Why is Time such a niggard76 of hair,
being, as it is, so plentiful an excrement?77
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Because it is a blessing that he bestows on
beasts, and what he hath scanted79 men in hair, he hath given
them in wit.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Why, but there's many a man hath more
hair than wit.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Not a man of those but he hath the wit to83
lose his hair.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Why, thou didst conclude hairy men
plain dealers86 without wit.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE The plainer dealer87, the sooner lost; yet he
loseth it in a kind of jollity.88
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE For what reason?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE For two, and sound90 ones too.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Nay, not sound, I pray you.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Sure92 ones, then.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Nay, not sure in a thing falsing.93
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Certain94 ones then.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Name them.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE The one, to save the money that he spends
in tiring: the other, that at dinner they97 should not drop in his
porridge.98
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE You would all this time have proved
there is no time for all things.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, and did, sir: namely, in no time to
recover hair lost by nature.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE But your reason was not substantial103,
why there is no time to recover.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Thus I mend105 it: Time himself is bald, and
therefore to the world's end will have bald followers.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE I knew 'twould be a bald107 conclusion --
but soft, who wafts108 us yonder?
Enter Adriana [beckoning] and Luciana
ADRIANA Ay, ay, Antipholus, look strange109 and frown,
Some other mistress hath thy sweet aspects.110
I am not Adriana nor thy wife.
The time was once when thou unurged112 wouldst vow
That never words were music to thine ear,
That never object pleasing in thine eye,
That never touch well welcome to thy hand,
That never meat sweet-savoured in thy taste,
Unless I spake or looked or touched or carved117 to thee.
How comes it now, my husband, O, how comes it,
That thou art then estranged from thyself?119
Thy self I call it, being strange to me,
That, undividable, incorporate121,
Am better than thy dear self's better part.122
Ah, do not tear away thyself from me,
For know, my love, as easy mayst thou fall124
A drop of water in the breaking gulf125,
And take unmingled thence that drop again
Without addition or diminishing,
As take from me thyself, and not me too.128
How dearly would it touch thee to the quick129
Shouldst thou but hear I were licentious,
And that this body, consecrate131 to thee,
By ruffian lust should be contaminate?
Wouldst thou not spit at me, and spurn133 at me,
And hurl the name of 'husband' in my face,
And tear the stained135 skin of my harlot brow,
And from my false136 hand cut the wedding ring,
And break it with a deep-divorcing vow?
I know thou canst, and therefore see thou do it.138
I am possessed with an adulterate blot139,
My blood is mingled140 with the crime of lust.
For if we two be one, and thou play false,
I do digest the poison of thy flesh,
Being strumpeted143 by thy contagion.
Keep then fair league144 and truce with thy true bed,
I live distained145, thou undishonoured.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Plead you to me, fair dame? I know you not:
In Ephesus I am but two hours old,
As strange unto your town as to your talk,
Who, every word by all my wit being scanned149,
Wants wit in all one word to understand.150
LUCIANA Fie, brother151, how the world is changed with you.
When were you wont152 to use my sister thus?
She sent for you by Dromio home to dinner.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE By Dromio?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE By me?
ADRIANA By thee, and this thou didst return156 from him,
That he did buffet157 thee and in his blows
Denied my house for158 his, me for his wife.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Did you converse, sir, with this gentlewoman?
What is the course and drift of your compact?160
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I, sir? I never saw her till this time.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Villain, thou liest, for even her very words
Didst thou deliver to me on the mart.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I never spake with her in all my life.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE How can she thus then call us by our names?
Unless it be by inspiration.166
ADRIANA How ill agrees it with your gravity167
To counterfeit thus grossly168 with your slave,
Abetting him to thwart me in my mood.169
Be it my wrong you are from me exempt170,
But wrong not that wrong with a more contempt.171
Come, I will fasten on this sleeve of thine:
Clings to his sleeve
Thou art an elm, my husband, I a vine,
Whose weakness, married to thy stronger state174,
Makes me with thy strength to communicate.175
If aught possess thee from me, it is dross176,
Usurping ivy, brier, or idle177 moss,
Who all for want of pruning, with intrusion178,
Infect thy sap and live on thy confusion.179
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE To me she speaks, she moves me for her theme180;
Aside
What, was I married to her in my dream?
Or sleep I now, and think I hear all this?
What error183 drives our eyes and ears amiss?
Until I know this sure uncertainty184,
I'll entertain the offered fallacy.185
LUCIANA Dromio, go bid the servants spread186 for dinner.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE O, for my beads, I cross me187 for a sinner.
Crosses himself
This is the fairy land. O spite of spites,
We talk with goblins, owls and sprites189;
If we obey them not, this will ensue:
They'll suck our breath or pinch us black and blue.
LUCIANA Why prat'st thou192 to thyself and answer'st not?
Dromio, thou Dromio, thou snail, thou slug, thou sot.193
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I am transformed194, master, am I not?
&nb
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Nay, master, both in mind and in my shape.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Thou hast thine own form.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No, I am an ape.198
LUCIANA If thou art changed to aught199, 'tis to an ass.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 'Tis true, she rides me and I long for grass.200
'Tis so, I am an ass, else it could never be
But I should know her as well as she knows me.
ADRIANA Come, come, no longer will I be a fool,
To put the finger in the eye and weep204,
Whilst man and master laughs my woes to scorn.205
Come, sir, to dinner.-- Dromio, keep206 the gate.--
Husband, I'll dine above207 with you today,
And shrive208 you of a thousand idle pranks.--
Sirrah, if any ask you for your master,
Say he dines forth210, and let no creature enter.--
Come, sister.-- Dromio, play the porter well.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Am I in earth, in heaven, or in hell?
Aside
Sleeping or waking, mad or well-advised?213
Known unto these and to myself disguised?
I'll say as they say, and persever215 so,
And in this mist at all adventures go.216
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Master, shall I be porter at the gate?
ADRIANA Ay, and let none enter, lest I break your pate.
LUCIANA Come, come, Antipholus, we dine too late.
Exeunt
Dromio of Syracuse remains as porter
Act 3 Scene 1
running scene 3 continues
Enter Antipholus of Ephesus, his man Dromio [of Ephesus], Angelo the goldsmith and Balthasar the merchant
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all,
My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours2;
Say that I lingered with you at your shop
To see the making of her carcanet4,
And that tomorrow you will bring it home.
But here's a villain that would face me down6
He met me on the mart, and that I beat him,
And charged8 him with a thousand marks in gold,
And that I did deny my wife and house.
Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know:
That you beat me at the mart, I have your hand12 to show.
If the skin were parchment and the blows you gave were ink,
Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS I think thou art an ass.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS Marry, so it doth appear
By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.
I should kick, being kicked, and being at that pass18,
You would keep from my heels and beware of an ass.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS You're sad, Signior Balthasar. Pray God our cheer20
May answer21 my good will and your good welcome here.
BALTHASAR I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome dear.22
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS O, Signior Balthasar, either at flesh23 or fish,
A table full of welcome makes scarce one dainty dish.
BALTHASAR Good meat, sir, is common, that every churl25 affords.