The Doomed Planet by L. Ron Hubbard
“Well, those two weeks were just about the greatest in my life. Some electronics crook in Madison’s outfit had made her all the necessary screens and probes and she’d taught all her maids with them, so she went to work on me.”
She went on talking. But, staring at her, I couldn’t make the things she was saying reach my startled wits.
Her mouth was moving.
Asa was listening in pleasure.
Lik was gleaming in fond delight.
Pratia’s mouth was forming words.
No sound at all was reaching me!
And then I realized that I hadn’t really gone insane. The two girls had simply lifted up the edges of the pillow my head was on and it was covering my ears!
I batted the obstruction off my hearing with an impatient hand. “. . . and having performed so elegantly before the whole island population, I was graduated Magna Cum Loud.” Pratia sat back with a sigh.
The girls were panting.
Pratia smiled at last. She shook her head. “How fleeting are the yesteryears. Alas, the two weeks were over.”
“Now comes the sad part,” said Asa with a sigh.
XI
Pratia sat in nostalgia. The girls lay on either side of me, inert. At last Pratia began to insert the needle into hoops once more.
“So we went back to the mainland,” Pratia said, “the throng on the palace terrace waving us goodbye with . . .”
“Wait. Hold it!” I said. “I know for a fact that Soltan Gris was in a dungeon there. You haven’t mentioned him.”
Pratia looked at me with her blue eyes. “Gris?” she said.
“Yes. Did Teenie torture him to death or what?”
Pratia let out a gentle laugh. “Oh, Teenie might get angry but she was never cruel: you’ll note she didn’t even keep Madison in a dungeon. But as to Gris, she probably got tired of his screams after pulling a couple fingernails. Maybe he just wasn’t any fun to torture. Possibly he just fainted any time he saw pincers or tongs.
“You see, the dungeons were very deep there: way under the mountain. Not the place you’d go for a pleasant walk. Oh, I asked her about him but she just shrugged. Probably it was a case of vengeance satisfied.
“Well, anyway, when we got back to the mainland, Prahd reported that without fuel the place could become unhealthy. Dear Jettero wasn’t back yet so they authorized the shipment.”
“Now comes the very, very sad part,” said Lik.
“Prahd,” continued Pratia, “went over with it to see that it arrived all safe, and just as he was leaving, Madison whispered to him, ‘You wait! I’ll put this island on the map yet!’
“Well, Prahd didn’t think anything of it. But he hadn’t been home here three days when . . .
“BANG!
“A tremendous earthquake! Tidal waves!
“RELAX ISLAND HAD BEEN BLOWN TO BITS!
“Dear Jettero came back and he questioned Prahd but Prahd told him, ‘It couldn’t have been the fuel! Every bar was in its own insulated container!’
“And dear Jettero said, ‘The only way it could have blown up was by taking every bar out of its carton and stacking them all together!’
“And Prahd said, ‘But I told them all specifically not to DO that!’
“And Jettero said, ‘I know what happened. Madison said he’d put it on the map: he didn’t. He took it off forever. It was only a volcanic bubble. I warned Teenie. Madison blew up Relax Island just to get a headline!’
“And the sad part of it was,” said Pratia, “he didn’t even get a single mention of it in the papers. Not even his own obituary. And that was the end of all of them, and Relax Island, too.”
XII
Both girls began to sob. They clutched at me for comfort.
Pratia let out a shuddering sigh and then she said, “Well, cheer up. The evening is still early. Asa, wipe your tears away and turn on the music.”
The girl let go of me and sprang up from the bed. She opened a big white console and fed the slot a strip.
There was a thunder and then a beat. The volume bashed my ears. The whang and wow of electronic instruments began to rip the tortured air. I had never in my life before heard such sounds. They hammered you and somehow worked at you and made your hips twitch.
Psychedelic sunset!
Woo-oo! Woo-oo!
Psychedelic sunset!
Woo-oo! Woo-oo!
Psychedelic sunset!
Woo-oo! Woo-oo!
Psychedelic sunset!
Woo-oo! Woo-oo!
Lik’s open lips were close beside my ear. “Isn’t it divine?” she whispered. “Gran-gran copied Teenie’s whole library onto strips. Oh, listen to that Punk Rock!”
“Lik!” yelled Pratia above the pulsing din. “Don’t just lie there. Do your duty!”
The girl leaped, her body jerking, and rushed to a bureau. She got a drawer open, hips bucking to the rhythm as she worked. She got out some greenish leaves and papers and began to roll thick, fat cylinders about three inches long.
Still bucking to the music pulse, she handed one to Pratia. With slamming heels and heaving thighs she pushed one into the clutching grasp of Asa. Then she leaped across me and as her hair jerked near my face, crammed the end of a cylinder in my mouth. Fire sprang up from her hand. “Drag deep!” she yelled at me as she applied the flame. “Suck it down into your lungs and hold it.”
The smoke almost strangled me. “What is it?” I coughed.
“Panama Red! The very best! I see I got to teach you how to use a joint! DRAG! DRAG! Oh, listen to that rock!”
I expelled the sweetish smoke.
Head jerking in the music din, Lik took a drag. She sucked it down into her lungs and held it. Then she let it out. “Oh, Heavenly!” she crooned.
Asa had gotten back on the bed, white fog wreathing from her mouth. She jammed her joint between my lips and cried, “DRAG! DRAG! Then you’ll hear the music!”
I dragged and got through coughing. I stole a look at Pratia. She was sitting there, head wreathed in smoke. Through it her eyes peered avidly.
“All right, girls!” cried Pratia. “You can practice your lessons now! HAVE AT HIM!”
A wondrous soft feeling was suddenly enwrapping me. I felt like I was floating, detached.
The music was suddenly wonderful beyond all imaginings as “Psychedelic Sunset” pounded on.
But something else was happening.
With searching fingers, the two girls were seeking out my spots. Before my eyes there was a blur of hands. I fixated on a finger that was probing at my throat.
A joyous feeling began to spread through me.
Two angels on the ceiling were leering down.
More joints.
More music.
Hours later, I slept.
XIII
A horizontal shaft of sunlight came in the low window and pried at my eyelid.
I moved my head. A pain went through it.
I looked toward the chair where Pratia had sat. It was empty.
I looked to my right: there lay Asa, mouth partly open, sound asleep.
I looked to my left: there was Lik. She had a dreamy smile upon her face as she slumbered. Her arm was flung across my chest.
It seemed to me to be a very good idea to get out of there. My throat felt parched. I was hungry. I ached.
Using careful strategy, I disengaged Lik’s hand and laid it gently on her thigh. Inching slowly, slowly, I worked my way from out between them down toward the foot of the bed. I was certain I could make it.
My head reached the level of their thighs. Now, with just a final jerk of my legs, I would be upright and free.
I surged up.
YOW!
One of them had grabbed my hair!
“Come back here!” said Lik.
“What’s the matter? Don’t you like us?” Asa said, looking around into my face.
“Gran-gran is gone,” said Lik. “We can skip the fancy stuff.”
“Yeah, ma
“No, no!” I said. “I’ve got to go home! My head is killing me!”
Lik stuck her eyes very close to mine. “Aha!” she said. “His eyes are all red.”
“Only one remedy for that,” said Asa.
Lik leaped out and got a joint and, before I could stop her, crammed it in my mouth. She lit it. “Drag deep and you’ll feel better.”
Amazingly, I shortly did. A woolly cloud seemed to fill me.
Each of them took some drags.
They sat there watchfully to be sure I did not walk off, but then, looking carefully at my expression, they were finally assured I wasn’t going to.
Asa got up, found a strip and put it in the console. Music was shortly booming through the room, that weird electronic music with the heavy beat. A man was singing against a chorus:
My mama never told me
About the birds and bees.
My papa always told me
To stay off all boys’ knees.
So I have had no training,
My appetite to vex.
I have to find out on my own
What there is to sex.
So please excuse ferocity
In ripping off your clothes.
If you decline, please be assured,
I’ll punch you in the nose.
Oh, now let’s do it all again.
I think I’ve got the hang.
But I can’t believe the birds and bees
Get such a huge end bang!
STICK IT TO ME, BABY!
“My sentiments exactly!” said Asa and she made a grab for me.
I would have escaped but I collided with Lik.
She slammed me hard on the chest and knocked me back on the bed.
The speakers slammed into my ears with their heavy beat.
Asa’s scream made the bottom end of the curtains fly out the window.
“Now, just have a quiet puff,” said Lik.
I was surely puffing.
Marijuana smoke soared into the air.
A cupid grinned when Lik’s voice said, “Me, now me!”
Lik screamed and the marijuana smoke and the curtains flew away.
The marijuana butt was burning on the floor.
Trying to wrap the sheet around me, I scrambled back from the bed. “Oh, my Gods,” I said, “I may have made both of you pregnant!”
Asa was wrapping a robe around her. She laughed. “No worries about that, Monte Pennwell. Prahd hands us out birth control pills.”
My clothes were on the floor and I was edging toward them. Suddenly I stopped and stared at them. I shook my head. “Pratia told me that you both were virgins!”
“Hah!” said Lik. “And there won’t be any virgins left in the whole Confederacy when we get through spreading Teenie’s stuff around! We’re only learning now, but you just wait.”
I picked up my pants, still clutching the sheet about me. But I was hit with a new thought. “Does Prahd . . . ?”
“Oh, heavens, no,” said Lik. “What a thing to infer. Prahd never touches anyone around here. Why should he, when he’s got nurses by the score? Come on, Asa, let’s clean this boy up. He has a dirty mind.”
They hit me like two lepertiges about to tear their prey limb from limb.
They threw me into the shower.
The water poured down in a steaming cascade.
They jumped in with me.
Their heads were just a blur.
Asa’s hand reached out and unclipped a rod vibrator from its hook on the bathroom wall. She held it there a moment while it shook.
Lik’s hand reached out and grabbed a block of soap.
The shower jets were pushing steam. “Stand still!” cried Lik.
I screamed.
The slippery block of soap flew out and hit the bathroom wall. Asa was laughing as her hand scrabbled on the floor for it. “Now me! Now let me do it to him!”
The shower jets went stronger.
I screamed again!
Water was pouring out of the drain and vanishing. “Now wasn’t that lovely, Monte?” said Lik.
They were wrapping a huge towel around me. I was shaking like a leaf in a storm.
“I know what we should do,” said Asa. “We’ll fix him up as a present for Har.”
“Who’s Har?” I trembled.
They were both in loose robes now and they sat me down at a makeup table. It had lots of mirrors.
I said, “I look AWFUL!”
“Nothing like putting a new face on it to meet the day,” said Lik.
She powdered my face with a spray can.
Asa took some blue paint from a pot. She put it on my eyelids. Then she took a black pen and drew in eyebrows and huge lashes.
Lik put spots of red on my cheeks.
Asa painted my mouth scarlet so it was very big-lipped.
They stood back and admired their handiwork. Then Asa grabbed a filmy negligee and slipped me into it. I stared down at the frilly collar.
“Oh, you look so pretty now,” said Lik.
“I feel terrible,” I said. “I’ve got to go.”
“Pish, pish,” said Asa. “The sun is hardly up.” She grabbed three joints.
I made a feeble effort to leave but they towed me over to the bed. Asa put a joint in my mouth and lit it.
Lik, dragging at her own, went over to the player and put a new strip in. Shortly, the whining beat of the music was pounding the walls.
Two on one is lots of fun,
When you can’t have three.
It’s now begun for everyone,
So let’s all have a spree!
When we’re all done, another one
Will start with you on me!
HUMP IT, HONEY!
A new voice came into the room!
“And how is everybody this fine morning?”
I stared. A youth with green eyes and straw-colored hair had entered. He was about twenty. I cringed. I realized this must be one of their brothers! He would undoubtedly shoot me!
He had some bags that seemed to be full of grass or hay. He went over to the bureau and opened a lower drawer. “Just harvested some gold Colombian out on the farm,” he said.
He threw the bags in the drawer and took a bundle of rolled joints from his pocket and tossed them at the girls. “A present for you,” he said. “It’s marvelous.”
“Oh Har, dear brother,” said Asa, “how sweet you are to us. But we have a present for you, too.”
“Its name is Monte Pennwell,” said Lik.
“And I think you’ll find it marvelous, also,” said Asa.
“It’s more or less a virgin,” said Lik.
“Oho!” cried Har, walking over.
I stared at him round-eyed.
He had a painted face!
“If he seems a little used up,” said Asa, “remember that it’s just from girls.”
“Ho, ho!” said Har. “You mean he’s never had it real Earth-style?”
Lik giggled and shook her head.
A group of three cupids, with arms around one another, were leering down at me from the ceiling.
Asa’s hand seized my wrist when I would have bolted.
The negligee they had put on me went slithering down on the floor. I yelped. “Hold him still!” cried Har.
The speakers bulged with the music beat:
Will start with you on me!
I yelped again but Har groaned.
One of the cupids seemed to be diving through space, hands held together, knees bent, ecstasy on his face. He was going down and down and down past clouds while moans and music filled the room.
Then the diving cupid mysteriously became me in its place.
I was diving and the clouds were rushing by.
I screamed suddenly while I dived and exploded.
I was standing in the bathroom rubbing a wet towel against my face.