The Escape of Bobby Ray Hammer, A Novel of a '50s Family by David Sheppard
"That's okay. South-west corner?"
"Ya. Over in the corner of the fence. Don't take nothing off it though." He raises part of the counter to let me and Brenda through, so we can go out back. "Take your time," he says. "I had a little brother that died in a car wreck."
Lenny's Hudson has three flat tires. The brake drum, where the fourth tire used to be, rests on the ground. The driver-side door is wired almost shut with bailing wire. Someone's busted out all the windows, and the hood's propped open with a piece of angle iron. Seeing his car for the first time in five years, I have to look behind me to make sure Lenny isn't standing there.
Brenda takes my hand in hers, squeezes it, then hugs me for a second. "This is difficult, isn't it?"
"I just saw a ghost."
This is the first time I've seen the damage Lenny did to his car in the accident. The front bumper's all caved in and the front tires shoved up into the wheel wells. Hood's buckled a little. The top's caved in a little too, so it does look like it could've gone end over end. Even the trunk's sprung open a little. I go over to the trunk. That's what I want to see first. I look around the license plate a little bit. Rub off some scrub marks.
"Look at this," I tell Brenda.
"What?"
"It's where I shot it with my .22. The last time I saw Lenny alive, he came out of the house and drove off in this Hudson. I was mad at him, so I took aim and put a bullet in the back of his car. I've worried all these years that I wounded Lenny and that caused him to have his accident."
"So you can quit worrying now."
I rub the indentation with my finger. "My little .22 didn't have power to even penetrate the metal. Look. There's a little dimple, maybe even a crack in the metal. But the bullet just bounced off. I was trying to shoot out his license plate light. Only missed it by an inch. I was a crack shot with my old .22."
I go to the passenger-side door, pull it open, see a little mud still in the floorboard from the last rain. A little puddle of water. I lay on my back on the front seat, look up under the dash. Can't see much.
"Did Helen say which side he kept it on?" I ask. I have my arm up in electrical wiring and spider webs. Must be a mess of black widows up there too. Then I feel something. And there ain't no doubt what it is.
*
I always thought Lenny's journal was a little blue notebook and was real nice. I can't tell what color it is, could be green. And it's just a steno pad with a wire spring through the top. We searched the Hudson for a half hour but couldn't find Helen's wedding ring. I took Brenda home after we left the junkyard. She said she understood that some things had to be done in private. Right now I'm sitting in my Chevy in the dip at the Berenda Slough, on the very spot where Lenny's car was found five years ago almost to the day with him lying on the ground outside it, dead. I start reading on the first page.
Jan 18, 1952, Saturday
Weight: 142. Got to gain some to hit the long ball this spring. The blooper base hits won't cut it in the pros either. Started sucking eggs at home. Mama's making milkshakes. Gretta says after we get married she'll out weigh me by the time she's twenty-five. She wants me to use a rubber but I tell her I'm good at jerking it. I've been kidding Charles about Johnny Swensen. I've never seen two guys buddy up to each other like that. I swear I caught them in Charles' hay barn the other day with their arms around each other's shoulders like we used to do in the sixth grade. Made Charles mad when I laughed at him.
Feb 1, 1952, Saturday
Papa saw me with Gretta today after school. If he tells Mama I'm in deep shit. Me and Gretta have been sneaking around for three years. Coach says he thinks if I do good in college I have a shot at the pros. Screw college, is what I told him. I'm no bookworm. I'm thinking about the minor leagues for starters. What's Coach mean, college? How's he think I get through high school so easy? I take bonehead classes. One of my teachers called me a con artist the other day, said I'm taking a free ride.
Feb 14, 1952, Friday - Valentine's Day
Mama chewed me out about Gretta this evening. Papa said it wasn't him that told. That bastard Charles did it, I bet. He always acts like it's great that I'm punching his sister but you can never tell what he's thinking to himself. Mama's been after me to stay away from Gretta since 8th grade. Started screaming at me tonight. Slapped me right in the face. Me and Gretta have always been a big bad thing with Mama. My ear's still ringing. Why does she hate Gretta so much? I really like that girl. Mama called Karl Kunze, told him to keep his girl away from me. What does she have against the Kunze's? Gretta's been telling me that we should fight Mama, bring it out in the open. But maybe Mama's right. I'm leaving here this summer and Gretta still has one year of high school left.
Feb 15, 1952, Saturday night
First week of baseball practice. Took Helen away from Charles tonight. They had a fight in Farnesi's so I took her home. She finally found out about Charles' nigger girl, Maggie, that lives out at Fairmead. Helen decided she likes Hudsons. I've never been with a girl that runs so hot. I had to keep cooling her off afterward. She can't stop. I'm young but I'm not Superman. I've known Helen all my life. No one told me she was hot like this. I'm in love again!
Feb 21, 1952, Friday night
First baseball game is next week. Went to see Helen babysitting for the McCallum's tonight. First time I've ever done it in a bed! Charles can have his sister back. Who cares about old backseat-Gretta anyway. I think Helen's 12-year-old cousin, Brenda, saw us in her parents' bed. Hope she learned something. Helen showed me around the McCallum's home. Started talking about a home of her own, marriage and kids. Whoa! is what I said. Charles has been after me to stay away from Helen. He had tears in his eyes.
Mar 1, 1952, Sunday
Mariposa, 3/4 = .750. Weight: 138. Drove in three runs. What the hell's happening to me? I'm wasting away! Caught Helen with Charles again. Goddamn him! She's out with me Fri and Sat night and sneaking out with him Sun. What a bitch! She said she was through with him. My batting average is three times Charles'. Ha Ha. One game into the season. Watch out Yankees. Here I come! Turlock next week. Playing 3rd is the berries. I talked to Papa about a new glove. He said no.
Mar 6, 1952, Friday
Turlock, 4/5 (7/8 = .778). Helen wants to get married. I just turned 18. She's been 18 for a couple of months. I said, we need to get to know each other better, only been going together 3 weeks. She said, we've known each other for 12 years. How long does it take? She showed me what it would be like again. Every night, she said.
Mar 13, 1952, Friday
Los Banos, 2/4 (9/12 = .692). Johnny told Charles to stay away from his girl or he would kill them both. When I told Johnny about Charles, Helen and Maggie, Johnny said that he has a female German shepherd that he keeps on a chain when Charles is around. She's a purebred and Johnny doesn't want any mongrels.
Mar 18, 1952, Wednesday
Turlock, 1/3 (11/15 = .625). I struckout for the first time since I was a freshman. This old dog had his tail between his legs. Saw Gretta Monday night at the Tasty Freeze. She's had the stomach flu for two weeks. Missed a lot of classes. I feel real sad when I'm around her now. She told me that I sold out to Mama. She says I'm giving away my life.
Mar 20, 1952. Friday
Dos Palos, 1/5 (12/19 = .524). I dropped a pop fly at third. Coach about fainted. Glad to see you're human, he said. I bet he is. Gretta has a new boyfriend. At least I saw her walking and talking to this dipship junior that she has a lot of classes with. She wouldn't even look at me. But I took a good hard look at Mama this evening while she was fixing dinner. She thinks she's God. Told me again to say away from Gretta.
Mar 27, 1952, Wednesday
Washington, 1/5 (13/24 = .462). Me and Helen got married today. Don't tell nooo body! She said that marriage was the one thing that would keep her away from Charles. We'll see. So we cut school and I missed baseball practice. Coach is going to be pissed. Can't wait till I get old enough to play the slots in Reno. I felt sorry for Gretta tonight
Apr 3, 1952, Friday
Central, 1/2 (14/25 = .464). Coach held me out of the game because of missing one day's practice. What an A-number one asshole. First game I ever missed. Put me in in the 7th inning (the last). I drove in the winning run. At least I kept my streak alive.
Apr 10, 1952, Friday
Edison. 0/5 (14/30 = .394). Batting average is a little low for this late in the season. Lost my hitting streak. Joe DiMaggio set the record at 54 for the majors. Mine just snapped at 51 for high school. First game I have ever played in my life that I didn't get at least one hit.
Apr 19, 1952, Monday
Dos Palos, 0/4 (14/33 = .351). Papa caught me screwing Helen last night. We were parked down the road a ways from the house. It was 1:00 in the morning. I never thought anyone would be out at that hour. But Papa, he gets up at all hours to check on the water in the hay. I looked up from Helen and there he was standing beside the car. He just let me see him and then he backed off into the dark. Papa's a pervert. He came to me this morning and told me she was trash, to leave her alone. First it's Mama telling me to stay away from Gretta, and now it's Papa telling me to stay away from Helen. I told him to mind his own goddamn business and he turned white as a sheet. He told me she wasn't anyone I could have a family with. I told him that we were married and to keep his fucking mouth shut. I told him if he told Mama I would kill everyone in the family. Helen's a Catholic, so her parents can't find out yet. We didn't get married in the church.
Apr 28, 1952, Wednesday
San Joaquin Memorial, 1/5 (15/38 = .333). Every base hit seems like a miracle. I don't know how I did it before. Measured myself this evening, 5' 7". Not tall enough for the pro's. One month past 18. Won't grow anymore. Caught Helen talking to Charles again at school. Still miss Gretta. Charles dropped the transmission in my car Saturday night. I told Papa I wasn't dragging. He'll help me put in a new one to save a little money. Charles was dragging my Hudson against Johnny Swensen's new Ford. Charles wouldn't shut up until I let him try it. Can't tell Papa that Charles was driving.
May 2, 1952, Saturday night
Washington, 0/2 (15/40 = .318). Coach says it can happen to anybody. I don't get into slumps. Goddamn! What a piece Helen is. Used a motel room in Fresno. Used Helen's car. Had to show our marriage certificate. I never knew there could be so much sex inside one girl. We did it and did it until my tool just spit and spit and then quit. I told her if I caught her with Charles again I'd kill her. When she gets started crying, she can't quit that either. I wish I hadn't said anything. I had to do it to her again to stop the crying. She says, "Oh, Daddy. Oh, Daddy," while we do it. Papa still thinks I was dragging when the transmission went. We were under the car and I told him he had shit for brains. He banged his head twice trying to hit me with a wrench. Bobby Ray ran in the house and wouldn't come back out. What a chickenshit he is.
May 3, 1952, Sunday night
Don't know if we should be doing some of the things that Helen wants to do. I don't feel like kissing her mouth afterward. I brush my teeth real often and real hard now. Need a new toothbrush. I don't have any rhythm at the plate. A grounder went between my legs at third. But DiMaggio retired. Maybe I could play the outfield in the pro's. Papa says it's all a pipe dream. I asked Helen where she learned how to do that but she's not talking.
May 4, 1952, Monday
Saw Gretta at school today. She's got more than a problem. She's got a baby inside her. My baby she said. She doesn't know I'm married and I'm not talking. Fuck her. I told her it's in her body so it's her baby. She was crying when Helen caught us talking. Each of them had two fists full of loose hair when me and Charles got 'em separated. Charles took Gretta home from school. I told Papa if he didn't get my car fixed I'm stealing another one. I'm tired of his excuses and all this slow-shit way he does things.
May 6, 1952, Wednesday night
Weight: 135. Where the hell is the weight going? I eat everything in sight. Even my body is against me. Mama's feeding me steak for every meal, even breakfast. Papa bought a new eating calf. Charles says Gretta vomits all the time now. Not just in the morning. So why does everyone feel so sorry for her? It's my life that's going down the tube. Every time I flush the toilet, I watch the old brown thing and say, that's my life and there it goes. I sat in a new Chevy with the motor running for ten minutes the other day in Merced before I decided not to steal it. Wish I'd brought it home. I'd like to see the look on old Hershel's face.
May 8. 1952, Friday
Central, 0/3 (15/43 = .311). Coach said I may set a new record for times at bat without a hit. I pushed him up against the goddamn lockers. Took three guys to pull me off him. Struckout twice today. I'm not dropping below .300. I'll never live it down. Six guys on the team are hitting higher than me. I've always hit leadoff, 3rd or cleanup. Now he has me hitting 7th. Next thing you know I'll be hitting 9th like a wimp-ass pitcher. I hear snickers in the locker room. And by the way, goddamn Charles is hitting cleanup. He's a .350 hitter but he carries a big stick and hits a lot of long balls according to Coach. Charles sucks the coach's big bat, is what I said back. Finally got the new transmission in my Hudson and I'm on the road again. So Mama knows that Gretta is pregnant. But believe it or not, Mama is on my side. It can't be your baby, Lenny, she said. It just can't be. The Lord wouldn't do that to me.
May 11, 1952, Monday
Mama and Karl Kunze are going to kill each other. Karl says I have to marry Gretta. Mama says, over her dead body. She told him to find another sucker to marry his whore daughter. She added that if he wanted to pimp for his daughter, don't bring her to our house. I told Mama to shut her mouth cause Gretta's a nice girl.
May 13, 1952, Wednesday
5:15 AM. I can't face the game Friday against Edison. If I go 0/4, my BA will be .268. I've never been scared of baseball before. It's early Thursday morning. The sun's not up yet but I see some light on the horizon. I'm still parked in front of Helen's house watching it for signs of life. The lights haven't gone off since Helen went inside. Last night (this morning) Papa got me up at 2:00 AM. He never wakes me at night through the week. Get out to Beacon Road, he said. There's something going on out there that you should see. I took my pistol. I had a suspicion. Papa is a pervert. Helen was on top of Charles when I got out there. I thought the guy was always supposed to be on top. I jerked the door open and shot out the window on the other side of the car. Helen screamed when the dome light came on and Charles cussed. Remember, Lenny, she's just a whore, he said. I had Helen get out of the car, never mind your clothes, I said, and then I ran Charles off. I emptied my pistol in the back of his old man's car. Tried to put one in the back of Charles' head but guess I missed. Helen wanted to know why I was reloading. She didn't even have shoes on and the gravel hurt the bottoms of her feet. I knew I was going to kill her, the stupid quivering bitch. I just didn't know where I was going to put the bullets. I was thinking about blowing her tits off first. She kept saying, Forgive me, Lenny, forgive me! Stupid bitch. I was going to put one up the crack of her ass. But when I started shooting I couldn't get the bullets to go into her body. I kept shooting first to one side of her then the other. While I reloaded she turned her back on me. I thought I could kill her then. She was screaming, Oh, God, help me! Please, God! Oh, Mother Mary! The thing that stopped me, I guess, was the image I had of Papa peeking in on them. I just couldn't live with knowing that Papa had watched my wife screw another guy. Then I realized that my problem was with Papa. So I pulled off my shirt, draped it over Helen's shoulders and took her home. She peed in my seat when I slapped her. I've never hit a girl before but I had to to get her to let me take her wedding ring off her finger. I asked her why she didn't at least take her ring off while she was fucking Charles. I wanted to pound all the meat off her bones. I'm still sitting here in front of her house. The light in her bedroom has been on ever since she went inside. Bu
7:45 AM. I'm back in my car. The sun is up and high school classes will start soon. Looks like a good clear morning. Somebody's got to die today. That's for goddamn sure. Who is it going to be? Right now I still vote for Papa. That crummy sonofabitch. Why wouldn't he stay out of my business? I just left Charles' place. He was really afraid of what I might have done to Helen. He hadn't gone to bed. I told him I am going to kill him before the days is over. He just screamed at me. She's just a woman, he said. Why can't you understand that? Helen's just a goddamn woman! He kept shouting at me as I walked away. So maybe I'll kill all three of them. I'm parked a ways away from Charles' house now but I'm close enough that I see a car pull out. It's Gretta. She's going to school. Christ! I'm going to be a papa. Maybe she'll have the good sense to get rid of it. Charles'll be coming out soon driving that jeep of his so I guess I'll be going. The Fair starts this evening. I sort of wanted to see the Miss Madera County Pageant.
2:30 PM. I didn't go back home this morning. Didn't go to school. I drove back to Helen's house and watched from a distance. I watched the front door for an hour after it was time for her to go to school but she never came out. Then I went to where Papa was working in the field. I watched him from a distance too. I felt like a ghost or maybe a drifter that had been gone from home for a long time and came back for a visit but for some reason wasn't welcome anymore. Papa was late getting the tractor in the field. Then I drove to the house and watched Mama through the kitchen window for a while. After that, I don't know what I did till noon. Then I went to Wilson School and watched for Bobby Ray. I knew a hoe was waiting for him when he got home. He has to chop for three hours everyday after school. God, he is a case. He has a real concerned look on his face all the time. And that kid, Leroy, always following along behind him. I call him Bobby Ray's puppy dog. Bobby Ray has Leroy trained so that he's always heeled. While I was watching, damn if Papa didn't drive up in the pickup and Bobby Ray got in with him. Now why would he be going home? Then I drove over to Stevens School where Trish is in the fifth grade. I had to cry a little there. I don't know why. Maybe it's because one day I overheard her tell another little girl that I am her favorite big brother. Little Curt is at Stevens School also. Can't say much about Curt. I hardly know him. Seems like I haven't seen him for the last month. It's like sometimes he doesn't even exist. I drove around in the country for a while, went up to Raymond to get a look at the foothills that have all turned green. Just playing hooky. But now I've got to talk to Mama.