The Forever Song by Julie Kagawa
A single bed sat in the corner, dusty but fairly clean, and I hesitated, not knowing if Zeke wanted to share the mattress with me. Or, honestly, if I wanted to be in the same room with him. Jackal’s words still clawed at my mind, the accusation that I was making this worse, that I couldn’t let Human Zeke go. I didn’t want to admit it, but as infuriating and shameful and humbling as it was, my blood brother was right. I’d wanted Zeke to be like he was before, and that just wasn’t possible. Not with what he had gone through.
It also confirmed something I’d known for a while now, but refused to believe: Zeke Crosse, the boy I knew before, the human I’d fallen in love with, was dead. I had to accept that. Just like Allie the Fringer had died that night in the rain with the rabids, Ezekiel Crosse was no longer human. He wasn’t the same; he couldn’t be. He was a vampire now, with all the bloodlust, Hunger, savagery and ruthlessness that came with it. He would never be the same sweet, innocent, selfless human I had known and loved. There would always be an edge to him, the knowledge that he was something dangerous, something lethal. That a demon lurked within and could come out at anytime. Was that something I could come to terms with? And, even more important, could he?
Or would I wake up this evening to find him gone, having finally chosen to meet the sun rather than put those in Eden at risk?
Angry, frustrated tears stung my eyes. I growled softly and clenched my fists, trying to drive them back. I was losing him. Zeke was slipping further and further away, and nothing I said or did could reach him. I’d told him how I felt; I’d laid everything bare, promised I would help him fight the monster, that he wouldn’t be alone, and it didn’t seem to be enough. I didn’t know what more I could do, what else I could offer.
“Hey.”
His voice was a breath, a flutter across my cold skin. I froze, then turned to find him watching me, blue eyes solemn in the shadows of the room. I swallowed, meeting his gaze, not caring about the single track of red crawling down my cheek. Zeke’s expression tightened, a flicker of guilt and regret crossing his face. He looked like he wanted to say something, but couldn’t find the right words. I didn’t speak, just continued to watch him, and there was a moment of tense, awkward silence.
Then Zeke sighed, and the shadow of a wry, painful smile crossed his lips. “You know it’s the end of the world when Jackal starts making sense,” he whispered.
The wall between us shattered. I let out a choked, relieved laugh and fell into him. His arms enveloped me, pressing me close, and I clung to his waist, feeling his cool cheek against my neck.
“I’m sorry, Allie,” he murmured. Raising his head, he pressed his forehead to mine, his voice low but steady. “I’m so sorry. I’ve been so consumed with this whole vampire thing, I didn’t see you standing right there. And if I’d just listened, you were telling me exactly what I needed to hear.” His brow creased in what might’ve been regret, or disgust. “It’s…pretty bad when the egotistical murdering vampire has to set you straight. I guess I had that kick in the head coming for a while. At least Jackal is good for something.” A painful chuckle escaped him, and he shook his head. “I was blind, but I see things a little more clearly now. I won’t be a burden anymore.”
“You were never a burden,” I told him. “You were just… lost for a little while. We all were, at one point.”
He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, and his shoulders trembled. “I’m scared,” he whispered. “I’m terrified that I won’t be able to fight this, that I’ll turn into a demon and lose my soul forever, if it’s not already gone. The only reason I’m here, the one thing that’s keeping me from going out to meet the sun and ending it for good…is you.”
“Zeke…”
He took my arms, his gaze intense as he stared down at me. “I never wanted this,” he said. “All my life, I was taught that vampires are evil and soulless, and that’s what I believed, until I met you. You showed me that I was wrong, that vampires didn’t have to be monsters, and you even made me believe that they could still have a soul. I know that you still have yours. After everything we’ve been through, you’re still hanging on to it with both hands.”
I bit my lip as tears threatened again, hot and stinging. There it was, that faith that I was more than a monster, even when he couldn’t believe it about himself. Zeke raised a hand to my cheek, brushing it softly with his thumb, still gazing into my eyes.
“I’m not the same person, Allie,” he said quietly. “I’m… not even a person anymore. I tried to kill you. I’ve murdered dozens of people, and I’m the offspring of an insane vampire who wants to destroy the world. The only thing that hasn’t changed, the one thing I’m sure of, are my feelings for you. But…I’m different now.” He drew back slightly, as if to let me see him better. “I died, Allison,” he said in a soft, firm voice. “Part of me was killed on that table with Sarren. I’ll still fight for my humanity, as hard as I can, but I know someday I’m going to slip up and give in to the monster. And when that day comes, I’m going to hate myself for a very long time.” He clenched his jaw, his eyes going dark before he composed himself once more. “So, I have to know, vampire girl. Can you still be with me, even after all that? Even though I’m a monster, that I’ll never be the same?”
I didn’t hesitate. I already knew my answer. Zeke was a vampire. He would struggle with Hunger, rage and bloodlust in a way human Zeke could never fathom. But even as a human, he’d chosen to love a monster, and now it was my turn to trust him. To look past the demon and the monster, and find the human inside.
Reaching up, I slipped my arms around his neck, pulled him to me, and pressed my lips to his.
He sighed, and it seemed like it was a release, a letting go of fear, and doubt, and disbelief. A total surrender. His arms slid around me, gentle yet strong, and his lips moved with mine, kissing me back. Not fevered or passionate, trying to devour each other while desperately trying get close; this was tender and thoughtful and solemn, a promise without words.
I kept my eyes closed as we parted, my hands on either side of his face. “I thought I lost you,” I whispered, feeling the wet tracks on his own skin. “I thought we had more time, even though I knew better. Life is so fragile, and someone can be taken from you at any time. I’ve always known that.” I slid my hand down his chest, to the spot where, not long ago, his heart had beat steady and sure against my palm. The stillness there now made me a little sad. “I guess I was trying to protect myself.”
“A llie…”
“I love you, Zeke,” I whispered, and he froze. This time, the words didn’t scare me at all. “Vampire or human, it doesn’t matter to me. Sarren could’ve forced you to kill a hundred humans, and it wouldn’t change a thing. I would’ve come back for you regardless. And you’re wrong. You’re stronger then you think. You were the one who taught me that humanity is worth hanging on to, that it’s worth fighting for at all costs. You always told me that I was more than a monster. Well, now you’re going to have to prove it to yourself. But I’ll be here. I won’t let you fall.”
I finally looked up at him, met those clear blue eyes, saw the raw emotion staring back at me. The doubt and fear still lingered, but for the first time since his death, he looked like Zeke again. I saw the shift from bleak, horror-filled despair to something that, while not completely optimistic, was at least hopeful. I put a hand on his cheek.
“There, preacher boy,” I murmured, and forced a tiny half smirk as he closed his eyes. “I said I love you. Twice. Now, can we please move past this and get on with saving the world?”
He let out a breath that was half laugh, half sob, and yanked me to him, crushing me in his arms. I slid mine around his waist and held him tight, feeling him tremble.
“Don’t let me slip,” he whispered into my neck. “Please. When I get to Eden, don’t let me give in to the monster.”
“I won’t,” I told him, a promise to Zeke, to myself, to everyone. “You’re going to be fine, Zeke. And after we beat Sarren, we’ll have
Moving to the bed, we sank down together, still holding each other tightly. Eden, a mysterious virus, and Zeke’s terrifying sire waited for us at the end of the road, but right now, all that seemed a little less urgent. I had Zeke back. He was different; he was a vampire, but we’d both taken that first step toward acceptance. It was enough for now. As the sun crept over the buildings outside, tinting the sky red and the roofs orange, I drifted off to sleep with the boy who had died held safely in my arms.
I would never let him go again.
As usual, I woke first, opening my eyes to darkness and taking a moment to remember where I was. The room was small, sparse and empty, a boarded-up window and ancient dresser on the far wall, and a body lying next to me in the tiny bed.
Propping myself on an elbow, I watched him. Zeke lay on his back on the edge of the mattress, unmoving and unbreathing, the sleep of the dead. I put a hand over his heart, missing the warmth, the pulse beneath my fingers, the slight rise and fall of his chest. He didn’t stir, and I resisted the urge to shake him, to prod him awake. Both to see him move, and to see if he was the same Zeke I’d fallen asleep with this morning. Would he remember the convictions of a few short hours ago? I knew there was no reason for him to forget, to relapse, but he had been an emotionless zombie for so long, our last conversation almost felt like a dream. Even though vampires didn’t dream.
I didn’t rouse him. Instead, I reached out with my blood tie and found both Kanin and Jackal nearby, probably waiting for us. Kanin would be impatient to get on the road; I wondered if having to wait for younger, less experienced vampires who couldn’t force themselves awake whenever they wanted annoyed him sometimes. I also wondered how far from Eden we were. We had to be close; it hadn’t taken Zeke and I half as long the first time we’d traveled this road. Of course, we’d had a working car the entire way from Chicago.
Preoccupied, I didn’t see Zeke move until cool fingers curled around mine. I blinked and looked down to see his eyes open, gazing up at me in the darkness. He wasn’t smiling, but his gaze was steady and his expression was calm, not the cold, blank mask he’d worn ever since Old Chicago.
“Hey,” I murmured. Zeke didn’t answer, and I searched his face, hoping his conviction still held, that he wouldn’t start doubting himself now. “You okay?”
His eyes closed. “No,” he whispered, and squeezed my hand before I could worry. “But…I’m getting there. One day at a time, right? I can’t turn back now, not when we’re this close.” Gazing at me again, he forced a faint smile. “We’re almost there,” he mused, and his hand traveled up to my face, brushing my hair back, skimming my cheek. “You’ll be able to see Eden with me after all.”
I ran my fingers down his chest, remembering what Kanin had said the night before. Sarren had likely beaten us to Eden. Who knew the state of the island now? Maybe everyone was dead, after all. But I wouldn’t think about that. We couldn’t give up. I would choose hope, to believe that they were still all right. It was all I could do now. “I’m just glad I won’t have to explain to Caleb and Bethany where you are,” I said, smiling down at Zeke. “I don’t think they’d ever forgive me for coming back without you.”
A shadow crossed his face, his brow creasing with worry and a little fear. I knew what he was thinking—whether he’d be able to control himself around those kids, both of whom adored him. “What am I going to tell them?” he whispered, his voice catching a little. “How am I going to explain what happened to me? When we were searching for Eden, before you joined us, everyone knew vampires were evil monsters that ate little kids. I told them that myself.” His face tightened, his expression full of regret and pain. “What will they think of me now?”
“You have to tell them the truth,” I said, and he flinched. “And they’ll either accept it or they won’t. But you’re not the first vampire they’ve seen, Zeke. And I know Caleb, at least, isn’t as terrified of vampires as he should be.”
“Not anymore,” Zeke said in a wry voice. “Not after he met you.”
I smiled, remembering Caleb, a thin, dark-haired kid and the toughest six-year-old I’d ever met. He’d been through so much, seen so much, on his journey to Eden: rabids, wild animals, evil bikers and sadistic raider kings. He’d lost an older sister to rabids and had nearly died himself a few times, but had come out of that whole nightmare ordeal a true survivor. Perhaps a little more hardened than he should have been, but one thing that had disappeared completely was his fear of vampires. Or, at least, of one vampire.
“So, I think they’ll understand,” I finished. “They love you, Zeke. It won’t matter if you’re not human anymore.” I put a hand over his wrist and squeezed gently. “And don’t worry about the monster—I’ll be right there. If you feel yourself slipping, just keep your eyes on me.”
“Allie…” His eyes were suddenly sapphire pools of emotion and longing, peering up at me in the darkness. It sent a ripple of heat through my insides, a stirring of Hunger that was familiar and strange at the same time. Lowering my head, I kissed him, and his arms wrapped around me, pressing me close.
I slid my hands down his stomach, my fingers slipping beneath his shirt, and Zeke’s grip tightened, his kisses turning hungry, too. My lips left his mouth and trailed a path down his jaw to his neck, and he moaned, arching his head back. Offering his throat. I paused, my mouth hovering over his skin, fangs throbbing against my gums. I wanted to feel him again, like I had in Old Chicago when the compulsion was finally broken. Not just his blood, but his emotions and thoughts and secrets and fears. I wanted to see him when nothing separated us, when everything was laid bare.
But if I started down that road, I wouldn’t be able to stop. And we were so close to Eden now, with Jackal and Kanin just a few streets away. The last thing I wanted was for my sire to get impatient and come looking for us. Or worse, Jackal.
Raising my head, I kissed his lips, lingering and soft, taking us back into safe territory. Zeke didn’t fight me, didn’t press forward, letting us both cool down before I pulled back. Though his eyes still smoldered when I looked down at him, the tips of his fangs visible in the darkness.
“We should go,” I said reluctantly. “Kanin and Jackal…”
“Yeah.” Zeke sighed, sounding as grudging as I felt, and released me. We climbed off the mattress, checked and rebuckled our weapons in place, and left the room together.
Following my blood tie, we found Kanin and Jackal in a small garage a few streets down. Jackal was kneeling on the pavement, holding up the front of a car with one shoulder, his jaw clenched in concentration while he fiddled with the tire. At his back, Kanin watched impassively and turned as we came up.
“Good. You’re here.” The Master vampire nodded to us, his dark gaze lingering on Zeke. “We’re almost ready to leave. As soon as James finishes, we can get on the road again.”
“You know,” Jackal grunted, gritting his teeth as he screwed the last nut into the hubcap, “this would’ve been a lot easier if I didn’t have to hold up the freaking car and change the tire at the same time. I suppose once you hit Master vamp status, you’re excluded from such ignoble work. Wouldn’t want those special fingers to get greasy, right?” He gave the screw a final twist, then let the vehicle drop and bounce to the pavement. “Then again, I doubt any of you would know the throttle from the gas cap.”
Dusting off his hands, he rose and shot a quizzical stare at Zeke. “Well, look who’s feeling better,” he mocked, raising an eyebrow. “Did you two work through your feelings over a nice slaughtered baby or something?” His grin grew wider, turned into a leer. “Or…did something else happen to take your mind off things?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Zeke answered coolly, before I could kick Jackal in the shin. Jackal blinked, taken aback for just a moment, before barking a harsh laugh.
“Aw, look at that. The puppy is finally showing some teeth.” He snickered, then leaned an elbow against the car, regarding Zeke apprais
Zeke smiled back, but it was a dangerous, lethal smile, fangs glinting in the shadows as he faced Jackal down. “I haven’t forgotten,” he said in a soft, ominous voice, as the temperature in the garage dropped a few degrees, and Jackal frowned in confusion. “What you did to my family, I haven’t forgotten it. I still intend to keep my promise. One night, you’ll look up, and I’ll be there. So, don’t get too comfortable. I’m still going to kill you when this is all over.”
Jackal stared at him. Silence fell, and I resisted the urge to draw my sword. On the other side of the car, Kanin didn’t move, but I could feel the tension in the room, four vampires waiting to see what the others would do.
Then Jackal chuckled and pushed himself off the door, shaking his head. “Well, you’re welcome to try, puppy,” he said, as the tension diffused somewhat. “It’s going to be a shame to kill you—you have the potential to be a decent bloodsucker. But I’d wait until we find Sarren before you start making your little death threats. That lovely message we found? That means he knows the compulsion is broken. And I’ll bet he’s not too thrilled with his special minion having free will again. He’ll be looking for any chance to turn you inside out.” Jackal smiled evilly and leaned closer to Zeke, fangs gleaming. “So I’m not the one you need to worry about,” he sneered. “Try me again when we have the psycho’s head on the end of a long spike. I’ll be more than happy to stick yours next to it.”
“Enough.” Kanin’s deep, stern voice broke through the standoff. “Now is not the time to fight among ourselves,” he lectured, narrowing his eyes at the three of us. “Sarren is very close. And he will use every opportunity to slow us down, turn us against one another.” His gaze went to Zeke, who lowered his eyes. “If we are to stop him, we must put aside vengeance, put aside hatred and doubt and uncertainty, and trust each other. If only for a moment. Can you do that, Ezekiel?”