The Gamble by Kristen Ashley
“What’d Harry say?” Max pushed.
I sighed, not wanting to spar, not even wanting to talk, not even wanting to stand.
In fact, I did want to crawl into a bed, pull the covers over me, shut out the world and anyone who could get in and hurt me and I wanted to sleep. Sleep for decades and wake up a spinster, go to the nearest shelter, adopt two dozen cats and then live my life cleaning up hair balls and watching Wheel of Fortune. That seemed like a happy life to me.
I didn’t tell Max this, instead I asked, “Max, can we just go to the A-Frame?”
His eyes narrowed and even in the dim light I watched his face grow dark. “The A-Frame?”
“Yes.”
He took a step closer. I stepped back.
He stopped and whispered, “What the fuck?”
Even though I retreated, which I did so I could remain smart, sane and rational instead of letting him touch me or hold me or kiss me and make me the opposite, I leaned a bit forward, looked him in the eyes and softly begged, “Please? Can we go up the mountain?”
He didn’t answer for a long time, so long, since I was holding my breath, it seemed forever.
Then he said quietly, “Yeah, Duchess, we can go up the mountain.”
“Thank you,” I whispered.
I was careful to keep distance between us as we walked to the Jeep and stayed clear and not in arm’s reach when he opened my door for me. I climbed up, belted in, he got in, started the car, strapped in and we were off.
I was silent and avoiding him taking my hand by digging through my purse, pretending to look for a mint which I didn’t have. Then I sighed my feigned defeat at the wasted effort and looked out my side window, clutching my bag like it was a life-force.
Max took the hint and he not only didn’t try to take my hand, he also didn’t speak. And when we got to his house and out of the car, he stopped at the back of the Cherokee to wait for me to round it but he again didn’t take my hand as we walked up the steps. He let us in, I went to the closet, hooked my purse and coat inside and headed up the stairs.
Grabbing my pajamas, I went directly to the bathroom, cleaned my face, moisturized and then looked in the mirror.
“Tomorrow,” I told my reflection in a barely there whisper, “this will be over. I just have to get through tonight.”
That’s a bad idea, Neenee Bean, Charlie’s voice was urgent in my head, You’ll regret it. You’ll regret it, sweetheart, until the day you die.
“If I stay, I’ll regret it in six months, a year, ten years, whenever it sinks in and turns bad and goes sour, knowing I’m second best.” I was still whispering.
Nina, listen to me –
“She was his world. Don’t I deserve to be that to someone, Charlie?” I whispered and before Charlie could say more, I turned to the door and opened it.
I didn’t look at Max but out of the corner of my eye I saw him heading toward the bathroom as I came out. I quickly went to the bed, got in on my side, turned out my bedside lamp which Max had turned on, leaving his illuminated. I curled up, my back to the bathroom and I took two very deep breaths.
I heard Max come out and I felt the bed move when he got in it. And even though I had my eyes closed, I saw the light go out.
He didn’t delay. He moved into me, his arm winding around my belly and he pulled my back into his front.
I didn’t struggle, instead my closed eyes closed tighter as I felt the warmth of him, the strength of him.
One last night.
“What’d he say to you, baby?” he asked softly into the back of my hair.
“Max, I’m really tired.”
“What’d he say?”
I remained silent. His arm got tighter as he pulled me even closer.
“You know about Shauna, babe, you gotta know there were others before you,” he whispered into my hair.
Yes, your wife! The Beautiful Swan, Anna! I shouted in my head.
“I saw your face in the Police Station, honey, when I talked about havin’ a woman on the job when I was with Shauna.”
“Max –”
“I told you this mornin’, it’s casual –”
“Please Max.”
“Her name was Shelly.”
“Please.”
“When I got home to look after Mins, the invitation to her wedding was in my mail.”
I drew in a sharp breath. His arm gave me a squeeze.
“It was nice, we both had fun then it was over. She was fine with that, she knew the score. It ended good and we remained friends. I know the guy she hooked up with after me. He’s a good guy. They’re gonna be happy and I’m happy for them.”
“Can I go to sleep?”
“You’re different.”
I clenched my teeth then I tried, “Max –”
“We’re not about havin’ fun, we’re that and we’re a fuckuva lot more than that.”
This was torture.
“We’ll talk in the morning,” I promised for we would, he just probably didn’t know what I was going to say.
“Baby,” he whispered his advice, “don’t sleep on what’s tearin’ you up inside.”
“Nothing’s tearing me up inside,” I lied yet again.
“Duchess –”
“Max, please, it’s late, I’ve had too much to drink, a crazy day, a crazy week and I’m just tired. Can’t you just hold me and let me sleep?”
At my request that he hold me, I felt his body relax into mine but he asked, “We’ll talk in the morning?”
“Yes.”
“You’ll actually talk to me in the morning?”
“I said I would.”
“None of this shit about not askin’ questions when you think I don’t wanna answer. We’ll actually talk.”
I swallowed, wondering why he remembered everything then promised, “Yes, Max, we’ll talk.”
Max fell silent. I forced my body to relax. After awhile, he called my name on a whisper.
“Nina.”
“Yes.”
His arm got tight and he pressed his body to mine.
“Baby, that path you were on…?” he asked but said no more.
“Yes?” I prompted.
“Until you showed in that snowstorm, I was on it too.”
Oh my God. Torture.
“Sleep, Max,” I urged him but I could hear my voice clogged with tears I could not let flow.
“Forgot about this,” he muttered into my hair.
“Sorry?”
“Forgot,” he repeated.
“Forgot?”
“Forgot about carin’ about someone so much you would do everything in your power to stop them havin’ pain.”
No. Not torture. Pure bloody torture.
“Max –”
“And how fuckin’ shitty it feels when there’s nothin’ you can do to stop it.”
“I’ll be okay,” I whispered yet another lie for I wouldn’t, not ever, not ever again or, at least, not until I found someone who thought I was their world.
If that happened.
“Yeah?”
“Yes, Max. So will you.”
He fell silent again. I waited. Then I waited longer.
Then I moved my arm to drape it on his, I laced my fingers through his and I whispered, “’Night, Max.”
He shoved his face in my hair, his fingers tightened in mine and he muttered, “’Night, Duchess.”
For a long time I didn’t sleep and I knew neither did Max.
Then slowly the impossible happened and sleep claimed me.
Chapter Eleven
Not if You’re the Only One Fightin’
I woke up to the bright Colorado sunshine, complete memory of my heart-wrenching night before and an empty bed. I got up on my hand, pulling my hair out of my face and listened to the house.
Nothing.
I started to look down toward Max’s pillow but caught sight of the note on his nightstand covering the clock.
I scooted across the bed and grabbed the note.
<
br /> Duchess,
Had to go into town, be back as soon as I can. Coffee’s made, just flip the switch.
When I get home, we’ll talk.
Max
I looked at the clock and saw it was nearly nine. I’d slept in and, while doing it, as normal, I slept deep. I didn’t feel him leave me.
I got out of bed, went to the bathroom, did my morning business and went downstairs to flip on the coffee. I went back upstairs and took a shower. Then I wrapped up in my robe and went downstairs to get a mug of coffee. I took it upstairs and went to the closet, grabbed my clothes, went to the dresser, grabbed my undies and went back to the bathroom. I did my makeup then dressed, hooking my robe on the back of the door. Then I did my hair.
What I didn’t do was think. I’d have to do that soon enough.
When I was done with my hair, I turned off the blow dryer and my hand froze in its descent to set the dryer on the basin because I heard my recorded voice.
“Oh, sweetheart.”
“And, you also get what it’s like to have Shauna involved, seeing as she was after my man and she’s after yours too.”
“I’m not sure Max is my man.”
I set the dyer on the counter silently as the next words in Bitsy and my recorded phone conversation from days before drifted up to me.
“Oh he is. Never seen him like that with anyone except Anna. The whole town’s talkin’ about it. We’re all real glad. Thought Max’d never find anyone after Anna died. It’s been ten years, that’s a long time. Lord knows, I know that.”
“Bitsy –”
“Brody told me all you’ve done with Mindy and I gotta say, I’m glad you’re nice. Anna was my best friend and I loved her. She’d want Max to end up with someone nice.”
“I don’t know what to say. Um… thank you.”
“Thank me for you bein’ nice?”
“Yes, I guess, and thank you for trusting me to talk to.”
I walked woodenly out of the bathroom and across the room as the voices kept drifting up, relentless, the entire conversation.
I went to the stairs and wound my way down, my head moving, my neck twisting as I went so I could watch Max standing still as a statue staring at the answering machine.
“Bitsy, darling, you should feel free to feel how you want and don’t think of what people think.”
“No one liked him anyway, he died and his mistress phoned the police. It’s hard not to think of what people think since everyone’s thinkin’ somethin’.”
“Well, try. Anyone who truly cares about you will let you have your feelings, whatever they may be.”
I stopped moving when his head tilted back to look at me. I stood in the curve of the stairs halfway down trapped by the fierce anger in his eyes and the conversation kept playing but I didn’t hear it. I stood immobile, his eyes on me, his face carved from stone.
Then I heard my Mom’s faraway, disembodied shout from the answering machine recording. “Neenee Bean, let’s go hiking!”
“Be down in a sec!”
“You know about Anna?” Max asked over the recording.
My stomach clutched, fear crawling insidiously along my skin.
“Max –”
“You know about Anna?” he repeated, his voice deadly.
“I –”
“Come down here.”
“Max –”
“Get down here, Nina.”
The answering machine message played out as I wound down the rest of the stairs and walked to within four feet of him. He watched the whole time.
“No, Bitsy. You don’t know how many times I tried to get Charlie to open up to me. So, thank you, again, for trusting me.”
“Oh honey, my pleasure. I’ll lay all my troubles on you, you like it so much.”
“Take care.”
“Yeah, you too. Hope to see you soon.”
“Bye.”
“Later, honey.”
The answering machine beeped the end of the message.
“Max –”
He interrupted me, “How long have you known?”
“Um…”
Suddenly, he leaned forward and roared, “How long have you known!”
My heart lodged in my throat, I jumped and moved back two paces, scared silent.
“Fuckin’ answer me,” he growled.
This was it. This was it.
Oh God, I knew it. It always went bad.
He couldn’t even bear me knowing she existed.
I couldn’t do this; I couldn’t participate in this ending. I just had to get out.
I turned and ran to the stairs but didn’t get there. Max’s hand wrapped firm around my wrist, I came to a jerking halt and then he yanked on my hand, twisting it around my back, effectively twirling me so my front slammed into his. Then he released my hand but his arms came around me like vices.
“Don’t run away from me, Nina,” he clipped.
“Let me go,” I whispered.
“Answer the fucking question.”
I shook my head but answered, “Arlene told me at The Dog that night when Damon hit me.”
“Christ, you’ve known a week,” he bit this off as if it infuriated him even further.
“Yes,” I whispered. “Please, let me go.”
“You’ve known a week,” he repeated.
“Yes, Max. Now please, let me go.”
“You didn’t say a word.”
I blinked and tried to focus through my fear on his enraged face. “Sorry?”
“You didn’t say a fucking word,” he repeated, squeezing me with his arms on the word “fucking”.
He wasn’t making sense and I decided to attempt to calm him down so I could get my head sorted, plan the steps to leaving him, take them one at a time and then get out of there, out of Colorado, go home and find some way to pick up the tattered threads of my life.
“I know this upsets you,” I said softly.
“Yeah, you do?” he clipped back sarcastically.
“I’m sorry.”
“About what?”
“That I know.”
His brows knit over narrowed eyes. “You’re sorry you know about Anna?”
“I know you didn’t want me to.”
His body jerked then he barked in my face, “What the fuck?”
“I know you were very –”
His face was still in mine when he growled, “You don’t know shit.”
I clamped my mouth shut and swallowed. Calming him wasn’t working and his intense fury was scaring the hell out of me. I could feel my heart beating in my neck, in my wrists and even against his chest.
I finally pulled up the courage to whisper, “Max, please let me go.”
“Explain,” he demanded instead of letting me go.
I shook my head, short, confused shakes. “Sorry?”
“Explain how you know I didn’t want you to know about Anna,” he ordered.
“I –”
He cut me off. “When I’ve been wrackin’ my brain since you curled up to me in order to get in Shauna’s face because you thought she’d humiliated me and you wanted to get mine back for me and I knew, I knew a woman who’d stand by me, especially one I barely knew who’d do that for me, thinkin’ what you mighta been thinkin’ after Shauna ran her fuckin’ mouth, I knew what that woman would mean to me, so, once it came clear how your crazy, fucked up head works, I’ve been wrackin’ my brain how I’d tell you about my dead wife.”
I blinked then breathed, “What?”
“You get a hangnail, Nina, you’d use it to drive a wedge between us.”
“I –”
“Don’t deny it.”
“But –”
“And all this time, you knew.”
“Max –” he suddenly let me go and stepped away, glaring at me and I stopped speaking.
“So, you knew the shit’s been goin’ on in my head this past week.”
I shook my head again, those short, sharp, confused shakes. “No
.”
“You know how she died?”
“I… I know Curt killed her.”
“So you knew the shit’s been goin’ on in my head this past week.”
“Max –”
“Curt killed her and the week he dies, the week that shit comes back up after years of it stayin’ buried is the week I fall in love with another woman.”
A jolt of electricity bolted through me and all I could do was stare.
Max didn’t seem to notice. “When Mick came to my door that night to tell me about the accident, to tell me Bitsy had to be cut clear and would probably never walk again, to tell me Curt walked away without even a fuckin’ scratch, to tell me Anna was dead at the scene, I knew never again, I’d never let it happen to me again. Then you drove up to my house in a goddamned snowstorm.”
“Max –” I whispered, my breath coming fast, almost in pants but he talked over me.
“Then Curt gets murdered while I’m fallin’ for you and this week it’s been like lettin’ her go again but I could deal with that, long’s I had you, your body in my bed, you bein’ so cute all the time, you sparrin’ with me, all that remindin’ me life could be good. And I had your shit to occupy my mind, sort you out, get you to take a gamble on me and you fuckin’ knew and you let me deal with your shit and you didn’t ask that first fuckin’ question. You didn’t think once what I might be goin’ through.”
He was right, so right and I hated when he was right.
Especially this time.
I didn’t think, I even figured it out but I never thought of him. I was so wrapped up in my own drama, my neuroses, I didn’t give it a single thought. Not once, not even when Curt wrote whatever he wrote in his letter to the man whose wife he killed obviously in a car wreck and Max went so strange. Bitsy had even told me to take care of Max but did I?
No. I just thought about me.
I took a step forward but this time Max moved back and I stopped, actually feeling the blood draining from my face.
“Max, darling –”
“Nope, Nina, no way. Don’t give me that fuckin’ ‘darling’ shit now.” He shook his head. “You were so busy worryin’ about yourself, you didn’t think to worry about me. So that shit with Shauna that first night at The Mark, you cuddlin’ up to me, havin’ my back… fuck.” He ended on a snarl, so overcome with fury and mountain man betrayal he couldn’t go on.
I sighed, not wanting to spar, not even wanting to talk, not even wanting to stand.
In fact, I did want to crawl into a bed, pull the covers over me, shut out the world and anyone who could get in and hurt me and I wanted to sleep. Sleep for decades and wake up a spinster, go to the nearest shelter, adopt two dozen cats and then live my life cleaning up hair balls and watching Wheel of Fortune. That seemed like a happy life to me.
I didn’t tell Max this, instead I asked, “Max, can we just go to the A-Frame?”
His eyes narrowed and even in the dim light I watched his face grow dark. “The A-Frame?”
“Yes.”
He took a step closer. I stepped back.
He stopped and whispered, “What the fuck?”
Even though I retreated, which I did so I could remain smart, sane and rational instead of letting him touch me or hold me or kiss me and make me the opposite, I leaned a bit forward, looked him in the eyes and softly begged, “Please? Can we go up the mountain?”
He didn’t answer for a long time, so long, since I was holding my breath, it seemed forever.
Then he said quietly, “Yeah, Duchess, we can go up the mountain.”
“Thank you,” I whispered.
I was careful to keep distance between us as we walked to the Jeep and stayed clear and not in arm’s reach when he opened my door for me. I climbed up, belted in, he got in, started the car, strapped in and we were off.
I was silent and avoiding him taking my hand by digging through my purse, pretending to look for a mint which I didn’t have. Then I sighed my feigned defeat at the wasted effort and looked out my side window, clutching my bag like it was a life-force.
Max took the hint and he not only didn’t try to take my hand, he also didn’t speak. And when we got to his house and out of the car, he stopped at the back of the Cherokee to wait for me to round it but he again didn’t take my hand as we walked up the steps. He let us in, I went to the closet, hooked my purse and coat inside and headed up the stairs.
Grabbing my pajamas, I went directly to the bathroom, cleaned my face, moisturized and then looked in the mirror.
“Tomorrow,” I told my reflection in a barely there whisper, “this will be over. I just have to get through tonight.”
That’s a bad idea, Neenee Bean, Charlie’s voice was urgent in my head, You’ll regret it. You’ll regret it, sweetheart, until the day you die.
“If I stay, I’ll regret it in six months, a year, ten years, whenever it sinks in and turns bad and goes sour, knowing I’m second best.” I was still whispering.
Nina, listen to me –
“She was his world. Don’t I deserve to be that to someone, Charlie?” I whispered and before Charlie could say more, I turned to the door and opened it.
I didn’t look at Max but out of the corner of my eye I saw him heading toward the bathroom as I came out. I quickly went to the bed, got in on my side, turned out my bedside lamp which Max had turned on, leaving his illuminated. I curled up, my back to the bathroom and I took two very deep breaths.
I heard Max come out and I felt the bed move when he got in it. And even though I had my eyes closed, I saw the light go out.
He didn’t delay. He moved into me, his arm winding around my belly and he pulled my back into his front.
I didn’t struggle, instead my closed eyes closed tighter as I felt the warmth of him, the strength of him.
One last night.
“What’d he say to you, baby?” he asked softly into the back of my hair.
“Max, I’m really tired.”
“What’d he say?”
I remained silent. His arm got tighter as he pulled me even closer.
“You know about Shauna, babe, you gotta know there were others before you,” he whispered into my hair.
Yes, your wife! The Beautiful Swan, Anna! I shouted in my head.
“I saw your face in the Police Station, honey, when I talked about havin’ a woman on the job when I was with Shauna.”
“Max –”
“I told you this mornin’, it’s casual –”
“Please Max.”
“Her name was Shelly.”
“Please.”
“When I got home to look after Mins, the invitation to her wedding was in my mail.”
I drew in a sharp breath. His arm gave me a squeeze.
“It was nice, we both had fun then it was over. She was fine with that, she knew the score. It ended good and we remained friends. I know the guy she hooked up with after me. He’s a good guy. They’re gonna be happy and I’m happy for them.”
“Can I go to sleep?”
“You’re different.”
I clenched my teeth then I tried, “Max –”
“We’re not about havin’ fun, we’re that and we’re a fuckuva lot more than that.”
This was torture.
“We’ll talk in the morning,” I promised for we would, he just probably didn’t know what I was going to say.
“Baby,” he whispered his advice, “don’t sleep on what’s tearin’ you up inside.”
“Nothing’s tearing me up inside,” I lied yet again.
“Duchess –”
“Max, please, it’s late, I’ve had too much to drink, a crazy day, a crazy week and I’m just tired. Can’t you just hold me and let me sleep?”
At my request that he hold me, I felt his body relax into mine but he asked, “We’ll talk in the morning?”
“Yes.”
“You’ll actually talk to me in the morning?”
“I said I would.”
“None of this shit about not askin’ questions when you think I don’t wanna answer. We’ll actually talk.”
I swallowed, wondering why he remembered everything then promised, “Yes, Max, we’ll talk.”
Max fell silent. I forced my body to relax. After awhile, he called my name on a whisper.
“Nina.”
“Yes.”
His arm got tight and he pressed his body to mine.
“Baby, that path you were on…?” he asked but said no more.
“Yes?” I prompted.
“Until you showed in that snowstorm, I was on it too.”
Oh my God. Torture.
“Sleep, Max,” I urged him but I could hear my voice clogged with tears I could not let flow.
“Forgot about this,” he muttered into my hair.
“Sorry?”
“Forgot,” he repeated.
“Forgot?”
“Forgot about carin’ about someone so much you would do everything in your power to stop them havin’ pain.”
No. Not torture. Pure bloody torture.
“Max –”
“And how fuckin’ shitty it feels when there’s nothin’ you can do to stop it.”
“I’ll be okay,” I whispered yet another lie for I wouldn’t, not ever, not ever again or, at least, not until I found someone who thought I was their world.
If that happened.
“Yeah?”
“Yes, Max. So will you.”
He fell silent again. I waited. Then I waited longer.
Then I moved my arm to drape it on his, I laced my fingers through his and I whispered, “’Night, Max.”
He shoved his face in my hair, his fingers tightened in mine and he muttered, “’Night, Duchess.”
For a long time I didn’t sleep and I knew neither did Max.
Then slowly the impossible happened and sleep claimed me.
Chapter Eleven
Not if You’re the Only One Fightin’
I woke up to the bright Colorado sunshine, complete memory of my heart-wrenching night before and an empty bed. I got up on my hand, pulling my hair out of my face and listened to the house.
Nothing.
I started to look down toward Max’s pillow but caught sight of the note on his nightstand covering the clock.
I scooted across the bed and grabbed the note.
<
Had to go into town, be back as soon as I can. Coffee’s made, just flip the switch.
When I get home, we’ll talk.
Max
I looked at the clock and saw it was nearly nine. I’d slept in and, while doing it, as normal, I slept deep. I didn’t feel him leave me.
I got out of bed, went to the bathroom, did my morning business and went downstairs to flip on the coffee. I went back upstairs and took a shower. Then I wrapped up in my robe and went downstairs to get a mug of coffee. I took it upstairs and went to the closet, grabbed my clothes, went to the dresser, grabbed my undies and went back to the bathroom. I did my makeup then dressed, hooking my robe on the back of the door. Then I did my hair.
What I didn’t do was think. I’d have to do that soon enough.
When I was done with my hair, I turned off the blow dryer and my hand froze in its descent to set the dryer on the basin because I heard my recorded voice.
“Oh, sweetheart.”
“And, you also get what it’s like to have Shauna involved, seeing as she was after my man and she’s after yours too.”
“I’m not sure Max is my man.”
I set the dyer on the counter silently as the next words in Bitsy and my recorded phone conversation from days before drifted up to me.
“Oh he is. Never seen him like that with anyone except Anna. The whole town’s talkin’ about it. We’re all real glad. Thought Max’d never find anyone after Anna died. It’s been ten years, that’s a long time. Lord knows, I know that.”
“Bitsy –”
“Brody told me all you’ve done with Mindy and I gotta say, I’m glad you’re nice. Anna was my best friend and I loved her. She’d want Max to end up with someone nice.”
“I don’t know what to say. Um… thank you.”
“Thank me for you bein’ nice?”
“Yes, I guess, and thank you for trusting me to talk to.”
I walked woodenly out of the bathroom and across the room as the voices kept drifting up, relentless, the entire conversation.
I went to the stairs and wound my way down, my head moving, my neck twisting as I went so I could watch Max standing still as a statue staring at the answering machine.
“Bitsy, darling, you should feel free to feel how you want and don’t think of what people think.”
“No one liked him anyway, he died and his mistress phoned the police. It’s hard not to think of what people think since everyone’s thinkin’ somethin’.”
“Well, try. Anyone who truly cares about you will let you have your feelings, whatever they may be.”
I stopped moving when his head tilted back to look at me. I stood in the curve of the stairs halfway down trapped by the fierce anger in his eyes and the conversation kept playing but I didn’t hear it. I stood immobile, his eyes on me, his face carved from stone.
Then I heard my Mom’s faraway, disembodied shout from the answering machine recording. “Neenee Bean, let’s go hiking!”
“Be down in a sec!”
“You know about Anna?” Max asked over the recording.
My stomach clutched, fear crawling insidiously along my skin.
“Max –”
“You know about Anna?” he repeated, his voice deadly.
“I –”
“Come down here.”
“Max –”
“Get down here, Nina.”
The answering machine message played out as I wound down the rest of the stairs and walked to within four feet of him. He watched the whole time.
“No, Bitsy. You don’t know how many times I tried to get Charlie to open up to me. So, thank you, again, for trusting me.”
“Oh honey, my pleasure. I’ll lay all my troubles on you, you like it so much.”
“Take care.”
“Yeah, you too. Hope to see you soon.”
“Bye.”
“Later, honey.”
The answering machine beeped the end of the message.
“Max –”
He interrupted me, “How long have you known?”
“Um…”
Suddenly, he leaned forward and roared, “How long have you known!”
My heart lodged in my throat, I jumped and moved back two paces, scared silent.
“Fuckin’ answer me,” he growled.
This was it. This was it.
Oh God, I knew it. It always went bad.
He couldn’t even bear me knowing she existed.
I couldn’t do this; I couldn’t participate in this ending. I just had to get out.
I turned and ran to the stairs but didn’t get there. Max’s hand wrapped firm around my wrist, I came to a jerking halt and then he yanked on my hand, twisting it around my back, effectively twirling me so my front slammed into his. Then he released my hand but his arms came around me like vices.
“Don’t run away from me, Nina,” he clipped.
“Let me go,” I whispered.
“Answer the fucking question.”
I shook my head but answered, “Arlene told me at The Dog that night when Damon hit me.”
“Christ, you’ve known a week,” he bit this off as if it infuriated him even further.
“Yes,” I whispered. “Please, let me go.”
“You’ve known a week,” he repeated.
“Yes, Max. Now please, let me go.”
“You didn’t say a word.”
I blinked and tried to focus through my fear on his enraged face. “Sorry?”
“You didn’t say a fucking word,” he repeated, squeezing me with his arms on the word “fucking”.
He wasn’t making sense and I decided to attempt to calm him down so I could get my head sorted, plan the steps to leaving him, take them one at a time and then get out of there, out of Colorado, go home and find some way to pick up the tattered threads of my life.
“I know this upsets you,” I said softly.
“Yeah, you do?” he clipped back sarcastically.
“I’m sorry.”
“About what?”
“That I know.”
His brows knit over narrowed eyes. “You’re sorry you know about Anna?”
“I know you didn’t want me to.”
His body jerked then he barked in my face, “What the fuck?”
“I know you were very –”
His face was still in mine when he growled, “You don’t know shit.”
I clamped my mouth shut and swallowed. Calming him wasn’t working and his intense fury was scaring the hell out of me. I could feel my heart beating in my neck, in my wrists and even against his chest.
I finally pulled up the courage to whisper, “Max, please let me go.”
“Explain,” he demanded instead of letting me go.
I shook my head, short, confused shakes. “Sorry?”
“Explain how you know I didn’t want you to know about Anna,” he ordered.
“I –”
He cut me off. “When I’ve been wrackin’ my brain since you curled up to me in order to get in Shauna’s face because you thought she’d humiliated me and you wanted to get mine back for me and I knew, I knew a woman who’d stand by me, especially one I barely knew who’d do that for me, thinkin’ what you mighta been thinkin’ after Shauna ran her fuckin’ mouth, I knew what that woman would mean to me, so, once it came clear how your crazy, fucked up head works, I’ve been wrackin’ my brain how I’d tell you about my dead wife.”
I blinked then breathed, “What?”
“You get a hangnail, Nina, you’d use it to drive a wedge between us.”
“I –”
“Don’t deny it.”
“But –”
“And all this time, you knew.”
“Max –” he suddenly let me go and stepped away, glaring at me and I stopped speaking.
“So, you knew the shit’s been goin’ on in my head this past week.”
I shook my head again, those short, sharp, confused shakes. “No
“You know how she died?”
“I… I know Curt killed her.”
“So you knew the shit’s been goin’ on in my head this past week.”
“Max –”
“Curt killed her and the week he dies, the week that shit comes back up after years of it stayin’ buried is the week I fall in love with another woman.”
A jolt of electricity bolted through me and all I could do was stare.
Max didn’t seem to notice. “When Mick came to my door that night to tell me about the accident, to tell me Bitsy had to be cut clear and would probably never walk again, to tell me Curt walked away without even a fuckin’ scratch, to tell me Anna was dead at the scene, I knew never again, I’d never let it happen to me again. Then you drove up to my house in a goddamned snowstorm.”
“Max –” I whispered, my breath coming fast, almost in pants but he talked over me.
“Then Curt gets murdered while I’m fallin’ for you and this week it’s been like lettin’ her go again but I could deal with that, long’s I had you, your body in my bed, you bein’ so cute all the time, you sparrin’ with me, all that remindin’ me life could be good. And I had your shit to occupy my mind, sort you out, get you to take a gamble on me and you fuckin’ knew and you let me deal with your shit and you didn’t ask that first fuckin’ question. You didn’t think once what I might be goin’ through.”
He was right, so right and I hated when he was right.
Especially this time.
I didn’t think, I even figured it out but I never thought of him. I was so wrapped up in my own drama, my neuroses, I didn’t give it a single thought. Not once, not even when Curt wrote whatever he wrote in his letter to the man whose wife he killed obviously in a car wreck and Max went so strange. Bitsy had even told me to take care of Max but did I?
No. I just thought about me.
I took a step forward but this time Max moved back and I stopped, actually feeling the blood draining from my face.
“Max, darling –”
“Nope, Nina, no way. Don’t give me that fuckin’ ‘darling’ shit now.” He shook his head. “You were so busy worryin’ about yourself, you didn’t think to worry about me. So that shit with Shauna that first night at The Mark, you cuddlin’ up to me, havin’ my back… fuck.” He ended on a snarl, so overcome with fury and mountain man betrayal he couldn’t go on.