The Girl with the Destructo Touch by Thomas E. Sniegoski
He was sort of hoping that Sigmund and Sireena had flown the coop. He would have liked nothing better than to get Victoria home, and then head for the garage to see what his mother had gotten for him. Your Halloween costume problems are solved, he heard her say inside his head, distracting him for only a moment.
But a moment was all true evil needed to strike.
Billy heard the sound of the attack before he had a chance to react. It was a strange sound, like a spitball being shot from a straw—only much louder—and he found himself wrapped in a net with heavy weights attached to the corners. He was trapped.
“And if I remember correctly, you made fun of me for investing in the Net-O-Matic,” Sigmund said, coming out from behind a vehicle that had been overturned by Victoria's temper-tantrum earthquake. He was cradling a large, awkward-looking weapon in his arms. NET-O-MATIC was written in scarlet letters across its boxy shape.
Sireena skulked closer to her brother, an oversized purse slung over her shoulder. “I did no such thing,” she hissed. “I'm sure I was making fun of you for something entirely different, like your ridiculous fashion sense or your aversion to bathing regularly.”
“I could've sworn it was over the Net-O-Matic,” Sigmund said. “But I guess you could be right.”
They stood over Billy as he struggled inside the net.
“Of course I'm right,” Sireena barked. She had started to fish through her large shoulder bag. “Now where did I put that disintegration ray?”
Sigmund began to laugh. “Can you believe this, sister?” he asked Sireena, who was still looking for her disintegrator gun. “Finally, a chance to destroy the one that has brought so much shame to the Sassafras name.”
“I know it's in here somewhere,” Sireena muttered. An entire roast chicken fell from the bag as she continued to paw through its contents.
Isn't it just like a villain to gloat over the captured hero? Billy thought as he searched the pouches of his utility belt for something to cut through the net.
“Ah, here it is,” Sireena said, pulling the funky-looking weapon from inside her enormous bag. At the same time, Billy found the Monstros City equivalent of a Swiss Army knife: a spoon, a toothpick, a magnifying glass, a shoehorn, a duck-call and a corkscrew, but nothing he could use to cut his way free.
“Look at him,” Sireena said, her disgustingly large lips glistening with what looked to be a fresh coat of lipstick. “Trapped as our poor mother has been trapped after suffering at his hands—at the hands of Owlboy. For one hundred years she has been locked away, her children denied her motherly affections.”
Billy finally located the knife blade and opened it with a squeal of delight. It didn't look all that sharp, but beggars couldn't be choosers, and he immediately started sawing at the netting.
Sigmund had started crying, pulling a large handkerchief from his inside vest pocket and dabbing at his leaking eyes. “I miss Mom so much,” he moaned.
“There, there, brother,” Sireena said as she aimed her weapon. “Take comfort knowing that the one who is responsible for breaking up our happy family will soon be no more than ash, and that we'll then be free to establish ourselves as the most powerful crime family in all of Monstros City.”
Sigmund smiled. “That does make me feel better, sister,” he said.
“I knew it would.” Sireena's finger tensed on the trigger of the disintegrator gun.
Billy was sawing like a maniac, but things weren't looking too good for him.
“Any last words before your ashy remains are blowing away on a gentle breeze, Owlboy?” Sireena asked with a gurgling chuckle.
“Yeah, could you give me another couple of minutes?” Billy asked, sawing furiously.
“No,” Sireena spat, and prepared to fire her weapon at him.
Billy squeezed his eyes shut and waited for the pain to start. He wasn't sure how being hit by a disintegrator ray would feel, but he imagined it would hurt like heck.
A familiar hiccup suddenly shot through the ground, and the earth erupted in a powerful geyser of water that lifted the Sassafras Siblings into the air.
“See, I can help you, Billy,” a familiar voice announced proudly as the net fell apart and he was free.
Victoria stood there with Mr. Flops, a big smile on her face.
“You saved me?” Billy asked, amazed.
“Well, I couldn't let her shoot you,” the little girl said. “Then who would be my bestest friend?”
She put her arms around his waist and gave him another big hug. “I think I'm going to marry you when I get big.”
Billy shuddered. Then a breeze began to blow, and he looked up to see the Owlcopter descending. He waved as the bright yellow craft landed and Archebold scrambled from the cockpit.
“I would've been here sooner but I couldn't find a decent parking space,” the goblin complained.
“No problem,” Billy said.
Victoria still had her arms around him. Archebold gave her a look, and then gave Billy the eye.
“This is Victoria,” Billy explained. “My next-door neighbor. She's got the Destructo Touch.”
The goblin jumped back as if afraid.
“Don't worry,” Billy explained. “She's perfectly harmless when she's not listening to the Sassafras Siblings.” He hooked a finger behind him at the spewing waterspout. “I suggest we slip the Owlcuffs on those two and get them over to police headquarters—”
“Sassafras Siblings?” Archebold asked. “What Sassafras Siblings?”
Billy turned around to look up at the top of the waterspout. “They might be hard to see, they're right up… wait a minute.”
The Sassafras Siblings were gone.
“They were there a minute ago,” Billy said. He looked down at Mr. Flops, who was eating another donut. “Did you see where they went?”
The stuffed rabbit pointed down the street.
“Great,” Billy said with disappointment.
The Sassafrasses had gotten away.
“Look at me!” Sireena wailed, standing knee-deep in the putrid water flowing within the tunnel of Monstros City's underground sewage system. “I'm a filthy, disgusting mess!”
Sigmund sloshed through the fetid waters ahead of her. “Come on before they get the bright idea to look for us down here,” he snapped.
“I… I'm not sure I want to be a criminal mastermind anymore,” Sireena's voice echoed up to him from the tunnel, stopping him dead in his tracks.
Sigmund spun around. “What did you say?” he asked incredulously.
His sister was crying, her large hands plastered to her face. Her makeup ran from her skin in rivulets, making it look as though she were melting.
“I don't know how much more disappointment I can take,” she sobbed.
Sigmund splashed through the raw sewage to stand beside her.
“Is that any way for a Sassafras to talk?” he asked. “Where would our most beautiful Mother Sassafras be if she had shared your defeatist attitude?”
Sireena looked up, her face streaked with color. “Not in prison?” she answered.
“Exactly!” Sigmund bellowed. “No, wait a minute, that didn't turn out the way I wanted it to,” he said.
“Perhaps it's time we hang it up,” Sireena suggested. “Maybe we need to be the first generation to admit that we can't defeat Owlboy.”
Sigmund couldn't believe what his sister was saying. The shocking power of her words seemed to freeze his vocal cords.
“Maybe it's time we leave this life of crime and do something rewarding with our lives?” she continued.
Sigmund felt his fingers twist into claws as he reached for the tree-trunk thickness of his sister's neck.
“Kittens!” she suddenly squealed.
He jumped back, startled. “Kittens?”
Sireena nodded. “You like kittens, right?”
“Between two slices of bread,” he scowled.
“How nice would it be to raise cute little kittens, and give them away to all t
She went on and on about kittens and flowers and other topics too terrifying for words, and Sigmund's eyes desperately darted about for something, anything that he could use to get her to snap out of it.
His gaze landed on the DANGER sign that covered a large clump of multicolored wires on the tunnel wall, and his heart fluttered with joy. Diving across the sewer water, he took hold of the colored wires and gave them a ferocious yank, tearing them from the wall, and plunged the sizzling ends into the water.
There was a searing explosion of white light, and the sensation that he was flying, before the sudden pain of impact as his body hit the tunnel wall. Sigmund slid down the curved, cold stone onto the ledge.
Violently he shook his head, attempting to clear away the fog, and looked to see the water glowing with an eerie light as electricity from the wires flowed through it.
“Sireena,” he gasped, scrambling along the ledge. Careful not to fall into the electrically charged water, he searched for a shut-off switch on the tunnel wall.
He found what he was looking for, pushing the switch up and cutting the power to the wires. The water immediately stopped bubbling and glowing and gradually became very still.
There was no sign of his sister.
“Sireena,” he called out again, jumping off the ledge into the water. His hands fished around beneath the water, searching for his sibling.
What have I done? Sigmund panicked. Had the voltage been so high that he'd boiled her away to nothing?
What would he tell his mother?
The bubbling of the sewer water made him turn around in time to catch sight of his sister slowly rising from the filthy depths. Sigmund was overjoyed, but also feared for his life.
“You weren't in your right mind,” he began to explain. “I had to do something before—”
“No need to apologize, brother dear,” Sireena said, small crackling bolts of electricity dancing across the surface of her large teeth. “You did the right thing.”
Sigmund recoiled. “I did?”
His sister slowly nodded. “Oh yes indeed. And in doing so, you've stimulated my thoughts to go in the most interesting of directions.”
“I did?” Sigmund repeated.
“I know where we must go if we are to achieve our hopes and desires,” Sireena said dreamily, sparks jumping from one earring-decorated lobe to the other. “The child with the Destructo Touch, she provided us with the answer to our predicament, but we did not yet understand.”
Sigmund really had no clue what his sister was talking about and began to wonder if the electric shock had loosened all her screws.
“I still don't know what—” “
She was from the world above,” Sireena whispered.
“The world above?”
She nodded slowly. “A world without Owlboy.”
And then it hit him. “A world without anybody to stop us.” A sly smile slithered across his face.
“A world ripe for the picking,” Sireena said.
Sigmund at last understood.
Ripe for the picking indeed.
Archebold and Halifax entered the Snack Room wearing heavily padded protective suits that made them look like walking pot holders.
“What are you dressed like that for?” Billy asked from the table where he sat with Victoria and Mr. Flops. They were enjoying some of Monstros' special treats: Bloodberry Pie, fried lizard lips, cockroach custard and three heaping mugs of poltergeist potion.
“Can't be too careful with her in here,” Halifax said, pointing to Victoria with a heavily padded finger.
“Yeah,” Archebold agreed. “Never know when she might decide to unleash the full force of her destructive power.”
The little girl was laughing hysterically as a mug of poltergeist potion danced around in front of her. Mr. Flops was eating like crazy, grabbing handfuls of fried lizard lips and shoving them into his mouth.
“Yeah, she certainly does seem to be a threat,” Billy said sarcastically.
“Not now,” Archebold said. “But you saw what she did out there to the city.”
Halifax nodded, his eyes peeking out from behind the visor of his protective headgear. It amazed Billy how scared they seemed to be of the five-year-old.
“I was only helping my new friends get their money back from the mean bank people,” Victoria explained as she dug into an oozing piece of Bloodberry Pie.
“Yeah, it wasn't as if she did all that damage on purpose. She was tricked,” Billy said, coming to Victoria's defense.
“We both were,” Flops said, and belched loudly, a tuft of white stuffing flying from his mouth. “Excuse me.”
“The Sassafras Siblings are extremely tricky,” Archebold agreed. “That family has been a thorn in the side of Monstros City law enforcement for what seems like forever. The last Owlboy defeated their father, which resulted in him being trapped in Dimension X, and Mother Sassafras got sent away not too long before he disappeared all those years ago. The Siblings have been on the loose since. As a matter of fact, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if they were responsible for the robberies involving the Sludge Sloggers,” Archebold added.
“Ya think?” Billy asked.
“Getting some less than intelligent life-form to do their dirty work,” Archebold explained, making a point to look at Victoria. “I think it's got their filthy finger-prints all over it.”
It makes sense, Billy thought as he stroked his chin. And it just proved all the more how dangerous the Sassafras Siblings were, and how they needed to be caught and brought to justice.
“If only I hadn't screwed up,” Billy moaned, “they'd be in jail right now instead of on the loose.”
“We'll get them,” Halifax said. “Evil has a real hard time staying out of trouble, especially in Monstros.”
“Yeah, they'll be in custody in no time. But first Halifax and I have to help repair some of the damage done by your little friend here,” Archebold explained. “And you have to get her out of the city pronto.”
“Was the mayor mad?” Billy asked.
The goblin had had a long conversation with Mayor Grumbleguts when things had calmed down a bit on the streets.
“Let's just say she won't be getting an invitation to the gargoyle gala at the end of the month, if you know what I mean,” Archebold said.
Billy nodded, understanding exactly. The mayor was as afraid of what Victoria might still do as Archebold and Halifax were. Thinking about the destruction he'd seen on the streets of Monstros, he really couldn't blame them.
“I better think about getting her back then,” Billy said, turning in his seat to see that the little girl had fallen fast asleep, her pigtailed head resting on her hands.
“I think she's pooped,” Flops commented, grabbing Victoria's plate, which contained what was left of her Bloodberry Pie, and sliding it over in front of him.
“Don't you ever get full?” Billy asked.
“I'll let you know if it happens,” the stuffed rabbit said, shoving forkfuls of the dripping red pie into his hungry maw.
Billy pushed his chair back and carefully approached the sleeping child. “Hey, Victoria,” he whispered. He reached out and tapped her on the shoulder.
Both Halifax and Archebold gasped as one. “Careful,” Archebold warned.
“Calm down, guys,” Billy scolded.
“Is it time to get up, Ma?” Victoria said, yawning loudly as she looked around the Snack Room with bleary eyes.
“It's time to go home,” Billy said as he took her hand and helped her down from the chair.
“Time to go home?” she slurred, smacking her lips.
“Yep,” Billy said, pushing her chair in beneath the table.
“Is Flops coming?” she asked as Billy led her toward the door.
“If he can stop stuffing his face, I'm sure he'll be coming,” Billy answered, turning to give Mr. Flops a look of disgust.
The stuffed rabbit had finished all the
“I'm comin', I'm comin',” the rabbit said as he hopped down from his seat and walked across the room to join them.
Billy pressed a circular red button on the wall and the door slid open with a snaky hiss.
“I'll get these two home and be back to deal with the Sassafras problem as soon as I can,” Billy told his friends, who were standing clumped together across the room.
“Gotcha, boss,” Halifax said.
“Hurry back,” Archebold added with a wave.
Victoria, seeming more awake now, turned around to face the pair. “See ya later, guys,” she said.
Her sudden movement caused the goblin and the troll to jump back. Halifax tripped over the snack cart and crashed to the floor. Archebold went to his aid, helping him up.
“Catch ya later, fellas,” Billy said with a roll of his eyes, and he, Victoria and Flops left the Snack Room and headed down one of the long, winding hallways of the Roost on their way to the shadow passage that would lead them home.
“Which way do we go?” Victoria asked sleepily as they stood in the deep darkness, multiple roads leading off in many different directions.
Billy closed his eyes, feeling the pull of the correct path. “This one,” he said, holding Victoria's hand as they continued on their way.
“What a day…or is it night?” Flops said as he followed them. “Who can tell in these parts?”
“Yeah, it does get sort of confusing,” Billy said. “It's always nighttime in Monstros City.”
“I hope Mom isn't mad,” Victoria said. “I've been away from the house for an awful long time.”
“Don't worry too much,” Billy explained as they walked down the curving, dark tunnel. “Time works sort of funny in Monstros.”
“Funny how?” Victoria asked.
“Well, when we get back, hardly any time will have passed at all. Isn't that weird?”
“That's crazy stuff,” Flops chimed in. “Any other weirdo differences between where we're going and bizarro city?”
Billy knew one major difference for the stuffed rabbit, and felt bad that he had to tell him.