The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse by Robert Rankin
‘Why did he do that?’ Eddie asked. ‘Because I asked him what harm it would do, seeing as how he was going to kill me anyway.’
‘Seems to work pretty well, that ploy,’ said Eddie. ‘But go on with this unlikely tale of yours, Jack.’
‘He told me all about the world beyond, and about the Sredna Corporation and the presidential model and everything, really. But at the time I just thought he was a madman. He did tell me that there was wealth to be found here in the city, though. And I wanted to escape from the factory anyway. And we had travelled quite a distance before I …’
‘What?’ asked Eddie.
‘Crashed the car,’ said Jack. ‘It wasn’t my fault. He had a gun to my head and I’d never driven a car before. But he went right out through the windscreen. He was dead. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to go back; I hated working in that factory. And Jon Kelly had told me all about the wealth in the city. Though he hadn’t gone into any detail; he hadn’t told me it was Toy City. Or about the toys. So I pressed on. I walked. I got lost. I fell into the farmer’s hole. I almost got eaten. I came here and met you.’
‘And now you’ve killed the evil twin. And saved Toy City,’ said Eddie. ‘Pretty good result.’
‘Seems like,’ said Jack. ‘Although it certainly wasn’t what I set out to do. I wanted to get rich. I came here to seek my fortune.’
‘You’ve saved us all,’ said Eddie. ‘That’s worth any fortune.’
‘Perhaps it is,’ said Jack. ‘None of this has been exactly what I expected.’
‘But why didn’t you tell me?’
‘Because I’m an atheist,’ said Jack. ‘And a sceptic and whatever. I didn’t believe it all. And I thought it was better just to keep my mouth shut about it. I wasn’t exactly expecting to actually meet up with this Mr Sredna that Jon Kelly was looking for. I didn’t even know if there was such a person. And then you told me that this chocolate factory was founded by a Mr Sredna. And how many Mr Srednas can there be? And Sredna is, of course, Anders spelt backwards. The evil opposite of Anders, eh?’
‘I suppose it makes some kind of sense,’ said Eddie. ‘And it’s a nice twist in the tale. Is he definitely dead?’
‘Seems like,’ said Jack. ‘And he’s already starting to pong like the spider-women. There’s stuff leaking out of him. How dead can you be?’
‘As dead as, I hope,’ said Eddie. ‘I suppose we should go and find the famous folk; what do you think, Jack?’
‘I think it would be for the best. I’m sorry I had to frighten you like that. But I had to get Mr Sredna out of armoured mode so that I could actually …’
‘Kill him?’ said Eddie.
‘It’s not nice,’ said Jack. ‘It’s not a nice thing to do. I know that it had to be done. It was either him or you. But it’s still not nice.’
‘It wasn’t a person,’ said Eddie. ‘It was a thing.’
‘In the same way that you’re a thing?’
‘Ah yes, I see what you mean. But you did the right thing, Jack. You killed the right thing.’
‘I did do the right thing, didn’t I?’ said Jack.
‘No kidding,’ said Eddie. ‘Let’s go and liberate those famous folk.’
30
Curiously, the rich and famous folk did not seem altogether glad to see Jack and Eddie. It took the detectives nearly an hour of searching before they eventually discovered them, all locked up together in a basement cell, the door of which taxed Jack’s lock-picking skills to their limits.
The rich and famous folk did not smile upon their liberators.
‘We were under protection down here,’ said Old King Cole. ‘Go away and leave us alone.’
‘The danger has passed,’ Jack told him.
‘I don’t think it has,’ said Mary Mary.
‘The evil twin is dead,’ said Eddie. ‘Jack has killed him. You can all clear off home.’
‘How dare you address royalty in that insolent manner.’ Old King Cole raised high his nose. ‘In fact, how dare you address me at all, you tatty little bear.’
‘One more remark like that,’ Jack told Old King, ‘and I will be forced to give you a smack.’
‘Outrageous! Go away, and relock the door behind you.’
‘Tempting, isn’t it?’ Eddie whispered.
‘Very,’ said Jack. ‘Now all of you go home. Eddie and I have been up all night and we seriously need some breakfast.’
‘And when will ours be served?’ asked Old King. ‘Make yourselves useful and cut along to the kitchen. I’ll have double-whipped-cream-smothered muffins with—’
Jack slammed the cell door shut upon the rich and famous folk.
‘I think we’ll come back tomorrow,’ he said to Eddie.
‘Sweet as,’ said the bear.
*
Together they plodded up the cellar steps, through this door and that, and finally out into the great courtyard.
The sun was high in the heavens now, beaming its blessings down upon Knob Hill, colouring the rooftops of the toymaker’s house. All was sun-kissed and serene.
Jack took a deep breath, and then fell to coughing. ‘What is that terrible pong?’ he asked. ‘Not the …’
Eddie sniffed the air. ‘The wind would be in the east today,’ he said. ‘That would be coming from the slaughterhouse district.’
‘Rather spoils the ambience,’ said Jack.
‘Never,’ said Eddie, sniffing hungrily. ‘I love the smell of offal in the morning.’
‘Do you know what we have to do?’ Jack asked.
Eddie took another sniff. ‘Eat breakfast?’ he suggested. ‘Definitely eat breakfast.’
‘Not yet, I’m afraid. We have to go to the toymaker’s house.’
‘But why?’ Eddie asked. ‘Look at me. I may smell like dung, but I’m unscathed. Which is pretty nifty, really. Bill never came out of an adventure with less than a bruise or two. I’m not even scuffed.’
‘We have to tell the toymaker,’ said Jack. ‘Tell him everything. Tell him about his brother.’
‘Oh dear.’ Eddie shook his head. ‘I’m not keen, Jack. You’re going to admit to him that you killed his brother.’
‘I said tell him everything. He has to know.’
‘Perhaps we’ll tell him tomorrow. Or you could. There’s no real need for me to be there.’
‘We’ll both tell him.’ Jack made a very stern face. ‘Things will have to be organised, Eddie. Someone is going to have to run this city properly from now on.’
‘The toymaker?’
‘I can’t think of anyone else, can you?’
Eddie scratched at his head. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘I’d be prepared to have a go at being mayor. What would the wages be like, do you think?’
Jack made sighing sounds.
‘Yeah, well,’ said Eddie, ‘I can dream.’
*
Jack was for walking up the hill, the day being so sunny and all, but Eddie’s little legs were tired, so Jack drove him up in the Mark 22 Hyperglide limousine.
‘Probably the last opportunity I’ll ever get to be driven in style,’ said Eddie as Jack lifted him from the limousine and set him down upon the gravel drive.
Jack sighed once more. ‘I remain optimistic,’ he said. ‘Remember, I came to this city to seek my fortune. Perhaps when it’s under proper management, opportunities might present themselves.’
‘Not to the likes of me,’ said Eddie.
‘Don’t be so sure; when the toymaker sees the way things really are, there’ll be some big changes made.’
‘So I might still get a chance to be mayor.’
Jack rolled his eyes.
‘I know,’ said Eddie. ‘Dream on, little bear.’
Jack and Eddie approached the big front door.
‘Not you two again!’ Peter scowled.
‘We’re really tired,’ said Jack. ‘We’re tired and we’re hungry and our tempers are very short. Knock your knocker smartly, or I will tear it right off the door
‘Knock knock knock knock knock,’ went Peter’s knocker.
And presently the big front door eased open and the face of the kindly loveable white-haired old toymaker peeped out.
‘Can I help you?’ asked the toymaker.
Jack grinned painfully. Eddie took to trembling. ‘Might we come in, sir?’ Jack asked.
The toymaker wore upon his kindly loveable white-haired old head a leather cap affair, drawn down low to the bridge of his nose. Attached to this was a complicated eyeglass contraption.
The toymaker pushed the eyeglass aside. ‘Pardon this,’ he said. ‘My eyesight is not as good as what it once was. But come in, do, I always have time for guests.’
Peter made grumbling sounds.
‘You’re most kind, sir,’ said Jack.
The toymaker ushered them in and closed the big front door behind them. ‘Into my workshop,’ he said. ‘Down the corridor there.’
Jack, with Eddie once more clinging to his leg, stepped down the narrow corridor and once more into the workshop.
‘Sit down,’ said the toymaker, indicating the comfy chair.
‘I’d prefer to stand, sir,’ said Jack.
‘As you wish, as you wish.’
‘We’re very sorry to trouble you,’ said Jack. ‘But we have come here on a very grave matter.’
‘Oh dear, I don’t like the sound of this. I don’t like grave matters. They are usually most horrid.’
‘I think,’ said Jack, ‘that it might be for the best if you were to accompany us immediately to the chocolate factory. There is something you must see. Many things, in fact.’
‘The chocolate factory? I haven’t been there for years and years. Do they still produce those delightful little hollow chocolate bunnies?’
‘Amongst other things,’ said Jack.
‘Wonderful,’ said the toymaker. ‘But not today, thank you. I’m far too busy. Perhaps in a month or so.’
‘It has to be today,’ said Jack. ‘In fact, it has to be now.’
‘No, it cannot be today.’
Jack took a step forward. ‘It has to be today,’ he said.
‘I don’t think I like your tone, young man.’ The toymaker took a step back.
Jack took another step forward. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, ‘but it has to be today. And now. You have to know what has been going on in your city. It’s very bad and you are going to be very upset, but you have to come with us now.’
‘And what if I refuse?’
‘I really am sorry, sir,’ said Jack, squaring up before the ancient, ‘but if you refuse, I will be forced to drag you.’
‘Jack, no!’ Eddie tugged at Jack’s rotten trenchcoat. ‘Sorry, Eddie, this has to be done.’
‘No, Jack.’ Eddie’s nose began to twitch. A curious smell had suddenly reached it.
‘Sir,’ said Jack, ‘come with us, please.’
‘Jack,’ whispered Eddie, ‘I smell a smell.’
‘Not now, Eddie. So, sir, will you come?’
‘I think not,’ said the toymaker.
‘Then I’m truly sorry.’ Jack reached forward to grasp the old man’s shoulders.
‘That smell,’ said Eddie. ‘It’s getting stronger.’
Jack gripped the ancient by his narrow, bony shoulders and gently tugged at him. The old man didn’t move. Jack tugged a little harder. The old man remained rooted to the spot. Jack tugged very hard this time. But the toymaker would not budge.
He simply remained right where he was. Old and frail. But unmoveable.
‘Come on now,’ puffed Jack, pulling with all his might.
‘I think not.’ The toymaker slowly reached up between Jack’s dragging hands and removed the leather cap that he wore upon his kindly white-haired old head.
Jack stared and then Jack ceased his futile tuggings. And then Jack took a step or two back. Three steps in fact. And very smartly indeed.
In the very centre of the toymaker’s kindly loveable old forehead there was a hole. It was a neat, round hole. The kind of hole that a bullet fired from a clockwork pistol might make.
‘You!’ said Jack. ‘It’s you.’
‘That would be the smell,’ Eddie whispered.
‘Me,’ said Mr Sredna.
‘But I shot you dead.’
‘Do I look dead to you?’
‘Oh dear,’ said Jack. ‘Oh dear, oh dear.’
‘And you call yourselves detectives.’ Mr Sredna laughed. It was Tinto’s laugh, the one that resembled small stones being shaken about in an empty tin can. ‘But you had me going there, almost. I believed you were Jon Kelly. But I never take chances. You shot a false head.’ Mr Sredna lifted this head from his shoulders and cast it down to the floor. An identical head rose up through the collar of his shirt. ‘This is my real head,’ he said, ‘and you won’t be shooting this one.’
‘Oh dear,’ said Jack once more.
Eddie might have had something to say, but he was far too scared to say it.
‘Fun and games,’ said Mr Sredna. ‘It was such a delight to see you running around Toy City, always too late.’ Mr Sredna glared down at Eddie, who had taken to cowering behind Jack’s leg. ‘I do have to say,’ said he, ‘that, on the whole, you’re not a bad detective. Not as good as Bill Winkie though, but then he knew that I was the prime suspect. He tracked me down to the chocolate factory within twenty-four hours of receiving his advance money and being put on the case.’
‘He did?’ said Eddie, fearfully. ‘He never told me that he did.’
‘I don’t think he wanted to put you in danger. He broke into Humpty Dumpty’s apartment and worked out how I’d done it. The moment he saw that lens in the roof he knew it had to be me. Or perhaps it was my little chocolate calling card in the fridge.’
Eddie might have shrugged, but his shoulders were too trembly.
‘And then he broke into the chocolate factory while I was asleep. Searched the place. Even found my strongroom. All that gold down there had him thinking. And so did the Maguffin. He found that along with all my maps of the outer world and my accounts books. He stole the Maguffin to trap me here in this world and must have passed it to Tinto for safekeeping. Probably, I think now, so that Tinto would pass it on to you if something happened to Bill and you continued with the case.’
‘He was very clever.’ Eddie shook fearfully.
‘But not that clever. The next morning he went to see Chief Inspector Bellis to tell him that I was the murderer and lead him and all his men to the chocolate factory in the hope of capturing me. But he never got to see the real Chief Inspector Bellis; I just happened to be loafing around outside the police station, impersonating the real Inspector. He was very brave, was Bill Winkie, he never talked, even under all that torture. He wouldn’t tell me what he’d done with my Maguffin.’
If Eddie had been able to make fists, he would have made very big ones now.
‘And that’s about all,’ said Mr Sredna. ‘There isn’t anything else to say. I won’t bother to ask you for the Maguffin, Jack. Neither you nor the bear will be leaving this room alive.’
‘Now hold on,’ said Jack. ‘Don’t be hasty.’
‘There goes that déjà -vu again.’
‘I’m sure that we could come to some arrangement.’
‘I pride myself,’ said Mr Sredna, ‘upon having an all-but-limitless imagination. I can think up things that no other mortal being can think up. Apart from that one over there.’ Mr Sredna gestured towards the bound and gagged and quivering toymaker, all bunched up in the corner. ‘And the remaining moments of his life are numbered in seconds. But even I, with all of my imagination, cannot think of any arrangement that might be made which does not involve you dying.’
‘You may well have a point there.’ Jack’s eyes darted all around the room in search of, perhaps, some very large and deadly weapon. Or something else that might provide a final twist in the tale and allow him and Eddie to miraculously survive.
Mr Sredna snapped the fingers of his right hand. The fingers extended; the fingertips hinged; evil-looking blades sprung forth.
‘You first,’ said Mr Sredna, pointing at Eddie. ‘Shredded teddy, I think.’
‘No you don’t.’ Jack raised his fists.
‘Don’t be absurd, Jack.’ Mr Sredna lunged forward, swinging his unclawed fist. It struck Jack in the side of the head, carried him from his feet, across the workbench and down the other side, where he fell to the floor next to the kindly loveable white-haired, all-tied-up-andtrembly old toymaker.
Jack floundered about amongst the sawdust bales and rolls of fabric. Jack heard a terrible scream from Eddie.
And then Jack leapt back to his feet. He saw Mr Sredna holding Eddie by his un-special-tagged ear and he saw the claws, glistening and twinkling in the glow from the firelight. And he saw the hand swing and the claws go in, piercing Eddie’s chest, shredding the cinnamon-coloured mohair plush fur fabric, spraying out sawdust, tearing once, then tearing again and again.
‘No,’ screamed Jack, and he leapt onto the table and then onto Mr Sredna. Shredded Eddie flew in every direction: a cascade of arms and legs and belly and bits and bobs. Jack’s momentum bore the evil twin over, but he was up in an instant and he flung Jack down and stood astride him, grinning hideously.
‘You killed him.’ There were tears in Jack’s eyes. ‘You evil shit. You wicked, vicious, filthy …’
‘Shut it,’ said Mr Sredna. ‘It was only a toy. A toy teddy bear. A big boy like you shouldn’t get weepy over a toy teddy bear.’
‘He was my friend.’