The Jeeves Omnibus - Vol 3: The Mating Season / Ring for Jeeves / Very Good, Jeeves by P. G. Wodehouse
I headed for the sitting room. I found Jeeves there, staring at the portrait in rather a marked manner, as if it hurt him.
‘Jeeves,’ I said, ‘Mr Pim appears to be a fixture.’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘For the nonce, at any rate. And tomorrow we shall have his sister, Mrs Slingsby, of Slingsby’s Superb Soups, in our midst.’
‘Yes, sir. I telegraphed to Mrs Slingsby shortly before four. Assuming her to have been at her hotel in Paris at the moment of the telegram’s delivery, she will no doubt take a boat early tomorrow afternoon, reaching Dover – or, should she prefer the alternative route, Folkestone – in time to begin the railway journey at an hour which will enable her to arrive in London at about seven. She will possibly proceed first to her London residence –’
‘Yes, Jeeves,’ I said, ‘Yes. A gripping story, full of action and human interest. You must have it set to music some time and sing it. Meanwhile, get this into your head. It is imperative that Mrs Slingsby does not learn that it was Miss Pendlebury who broke her brother in two places. I shall require you, therefore, to approach Mr Pim before she arrives, ascertain exactly what tale he intends to tell, and be prepared to back it up in every particular.’
‘Very good, sir.’
‘And now, Jeeves, what of Miss Pendlebury?’
‘Sir?’
‘She’s sure to call to make enquiries.’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘Well, she mustn’t find me here. You know all about women, Jeeves?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘Then tell me this. Am I not right in supposing that if Miss Pendlebury is in a position to go into the sick-room, take a long look at the interesting invalid, and then pop out, with the memory of that look fresh in her mind, and get a square sight of me lounging about in sponge-bag trousers, she will draw damaging comparisons? You see what I mean? Look on this picture and on that – the one romantic, the other not … Eh?’
‘Very true, sir. It is a point which I had intended to bring to your attention. An invalid undoubtedly exercises a powerful appeal to the motherliness which exists in every woman’s heart, sir. Invalids seem to stir their deepest feelings. The poet Scott has put the matter neatly in the lines – ‘Oh, Woman in our hours of ease uncertain, coy, and hard to please … When pain and anguish rack the brow –’
I held up a hand.
‘At some other time, Jeeves,’ I said, ‘I shall be delighted to hear your piece, but just now I am not in the mood. The position being as I have outlined, I propose to clear out early tomorrow morning and not to reappear until nightfall. I shall take the car and dash down to Brighton for the day.’
‘Very good, sir.’
‘It is better so, is it not, Jeeves?’
‘Indubitably, sir.’
‘I think so, too. The sea breezes will tone up my system, which sadly needs a dollop of toning. I leave you in charge of the old home.’
‘Very good, sir.’
‘Convey my regrets and sympathy to Miss Pendlebury and tell her I have been called away on business.’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘Should the Slingsby require refreshment, feed her in moderation.’
‘Very good, sir.’
‘And, in poisoning Mr Pim’s soup, don’t use arsenic which is readily detected. Go to a good chemist and get something that leaves no traces.’
I sighed, and cocked an eye at the portrait.
‘All this is very wonky, Jeeves.’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘When the portrait was painted, I was a happy man.’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘Ah, well, Jeeves!’
‘Very true, sir.’
And we left it at that.
It was latish when I got back on the following evening. What with a bit of ozone-sniffing, a good dinner, and a nice run home in the moonlight with the old car going as sweet as a nut, I was feeling in pretty good shape once more. In fact, coming through Purley, I went so far as to sing a trifle. The spirit of the Woosters is a buoyant spirit, and optimism had begun to reign again, in the W bosom.
The way I looked at it was, I saw I had been mistaken in assuming that a girl must necessarily love a fellow just because he had broken a leg. At first, no doubt, Gwladys Pendlebury would feel strangely drawn to the Pim when she saw him lying there a more or less total loss. But it would not be long before other reflections crept in. She would ask herself if she were wise in trusting her life’s happiness to a man who hadn’t enough sense to leap out of the way when he saw a car coming. She would tell herself that, if this sort of thing had happened once, who knew that it might not go on happening again and again all down the long years. And she would recoil from a married life which consisted entirely of going to hospitals and taking her husband fruit. She would realize how much better off she would be, teamed up with a fellow like Bertram Wooster, who, whatever his faults, at least walked on the pavement and looked up and down a street before he crossed it.
It was in excellent spirits, accordingly, that I put the car in the garage, and it was with a merry Tra-la on my lips that I let myself into the flat as Big Ben began to strike eleven. I rang the bell and presently, as if he had divined my wishes, Jeeves came in with siphon and decanter.
‘Home again, Jeeves,’ I said, mixing a spot.
‘Yes, sir.’
‘What has been happening in my absence? Did Miss Pendlebury call?’
‘Yes, sir. At about two o’clock.’
‘And left?’
‘At about six, sir.’
I didn’t like this so much. A four-hour visit struck me as a bit sinister. However, there was nothing to be done about it.
‘And Mrs Slingsby?’
‘She arrived shortly after eight and left at ten, sir.’
‘Ah? Agitated?’
‘Yes, sir. Particularly when she left. She was very desirous of seeing you, sir.’
‘Seeing me?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘Wanted to thank me brokenly, I suppose, for so courteously allowing her favourite brother a place to have his game legs in. Eh?’
‘Possibly, sir. On the other hand, she alluded to you in terms suggestive of disapprobation, sir.’
‘She – what?’
‘“Feckless idiot” was one of the expressions she employed, sir.’
‘Feckless idiot?’
‘Yes, sir.’
I couldn’t make it out. I simply couldn’t see what the woman had based her judgment on. My Aunt Agatha has frequently said that sort of thing about me, but she has known me from a boy.
‘I must look into this, Jeeves. Is Mr Pim asleep?’
‘No, sir. He rang the bell a moment ago to enquire if we had not a better brand of cigarette in the flat.’
‘He did, did he?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘The accident doesn’t seem to have affected his nerve.’
‘No, sir.’
I found Lucius Pim sitting propped up among the pillows, reading his detective story.
‘Ah, Wooster,’ he said. ‘Welcome home. I say, in case you were worrying, it’s all right about that cobra. The hero had got at it without the villain’s knowledge and extracted its poison-fangs. With the result that when it fell down the chimney and started trying to bite the heroine its efforts were null and void. I doubt if a cobra has ever felt so silly.’
‘Never mind about cobras.’
‘It’s no good saying Never mind about cobras,’ said Lucius Pim in a gentle, rebuking sort of voice. ‘You’ve jolly well got to mind about cobras, if they haven’t had their poison-fangs extracted. Ask anyone. By the way, my sister looked in. She wants to have a word with you.’
‘And I want to have a word with her.’
‘“Two minds with but a single thought.” What she wants to talk to you about is this accident of mine. You remember that story I was to tell her? About the car driving on? Well the understanding was, if you recollect, that I was only to tell it if I couldn?
‘What!’
‘I said it was you who did it in your car. Much more likely. Makes the whole thing neat and well-rounded. I knew you would approve. At all costs we have got to keep it from her that I was outed by Gwladys. I made it as easy for you as I could, saying that you were a bit pickled at the time and so not to be blamed for what you did. Some fellows wouldn’t have thought of that. Still,’ said Lucius Pim with a sigh, ‘I’m afraid she’s not any too pleased with you.’
‘She isn’t, isn’t she?’
‘No, she is not. And I strongly recommend you, if you want anything like a pleasant interview tomorrow, to sweeten her a bit overnight.’
‘How do you mean, sweeten her?’
‘I’d suggest you sent her some flowers. It would be a graceful gesture. Roses are her favourites. Shoot her in a few roses – Number Three, Hill Street is the address – and it may make all the difference. I think it my duty to inform you, old man, that my sister Beatrice is rather a tough egg, when roused. My brother-in-law is due back from New York at any moment, and the danger, as I see it, is that Beatrice, unless sweetened, will get at him and make him bring actions against you for torts and malfeasances and what not and get thumping damages. He isn’t overfond of me and, left to himself, would rather approve than otherwise of people who broke my legs; but he’s crazy about Beatrice and will do anything she asks him to. So my advice, is Gather ye rose-buds while ye may and bung them in to Number Three, Hill Street. Otherwise, the case of Slingsby v Wooster will be on the calendar before you can say What-ho.’
I gave the fellow a look. Lost on him, of course.
‘It’s a pity you didn’t think of all that before,’ I said. And it wasn’t so much the actual words, if you know what I mean, as the way I said it.
‘I thought of it all right,’ said Lucius Pim. ‘But as we were both agreed that at all costs –’
‘Oh, all right,’ I said. ‘All right, all right.’
‘You aren’t annoyed?’ said Lucius Pim, looking at me with a touch of surprise.
‘Oh, no!’
‘Splendid,’ said Lucius Pim, relieved. ‘I knew you would feel that I had done the only possible thing. It would have been awful if Beatrice had found out about Gwladys. I daresay you have noticed, Wooster, that when women find themselves in a position to take a running kick at one of their own sex they are twice as rough on her as they would be on a man. Now, you, being of the male persuasion, will find everything made nice and smooth for you. A quart of assorted roses, a few smiles, a tactful word or two, and she’ll have melted before you know where you are. Play your cards properly, and you and Beatrice will be laughing merrily and having a game of Round and Round the Mulberry Bush together in about five minutes. Better not let Slingsby’s Soups catch you at it, however. He’s very jealous where Beatrice is concerned. And now you’ll forgive me, old chap, if I send you away. The doctor says I ought not to talk too much for a day or two. Besides, it’s time for bye-bye.’
The more I thought it over, the better that idea of sending those roses looked. Lucius Pim was not a man I was fond of – in fact, if I had had to choose between him and a cockroach as a companion for a walking-tour, the cockroach would have had it by a short head – but there was no doubt that he had outlined the right policy. His advice was good, and I decided to follow it. Rising next morning at ten-fifteen, I swallowed a strengthening breakfast and legged it off to that flower-shop in Piccadilly. I couldn’t leave the thing to Jeeves. It was essentially a mission that demanded the personal touch. I laid out a couple of quid on a sizeable bouquet, sent it with my card to Hill Street, and then looked in at the Drones for a brief refresher. It is a thing I don’t often do in the morning, but this threatened to be rather a special morning.
It was about noon when I got back to the flat. I went into the sitting room and tried to adjust the mind to the coming interview. It had to be faced, of course, but it wasn’t any good my telling myself that it was going to be one of those jolly scenes the memory of which cheer you up as you sit toasting your toes at the fire in your old age. I stood or fell by the roses. If they sweetened the Slingsby, all would be well. If they failed to sweeten her, Bertram was undoubtedly for it.
The clock ticked on, but she did not come. A late riser, I took it, and was slightly encouraged by the reflection. My experience of women has been that the earlier they leave the hay the more vicious specimens they are apt to be. My Aunt Agatha, for instance, is always up with the lark, and look at her.
Still, you couldn’t be sure that this rule always worked, and after a while the suspense began to get in amongst me a bit. To divert the mind, I fetched the old putter out of its bag and began to practise putts into a glass. After all, even if the Slingsby turned out to be all that I had pictured her in my gloomier moments, I should have improved my close-to-the-hole work on the green and be that much up, at any rate.
It was while I was shaping for a rather tricky shot that the front-door bell went.
I picked up the glass and shoved the putter behind the settee. It struck me that if the woman found me engaged on what you might call a frivolous pursuit she might take it to indicate lack of remorse and proper feeling. I straightened the collar, pulled down the waistcoat, and managed to fasten on the face a sort of sad half-smile which was welcoming without being actually jovial. It looked all right in the mirror, and I held it as the door opened.
‘Mr Slingsby,’ announced Jeeves.
And, having spoken these words, he closed the door and left us alone together.
For quite a time there wasn’t anything in the way of chit-chat. The shock of expecting Mrs Slingsby and finding myself confronted by something entirely different – in fact, not the same thing at all – seemed to have affected the vocal chords. And the visitor didn’t appear to be disposed to make light conversation himself. He stood there looking strong and silent. I suppose you have to be like that if you want to manufacture anything in the nature of a really convincing soup.
Slingsby’s Superb Soups was a Roman Emperor-looking sort of bird, with keen, penetrating eyes and one of those jutting chins. The eyes seemed to be fixed on me in a dashed unpleasant stare and, unless I was mistaken, he was grinding his teeth a trifle. For some reason he appeared to have taken a strong dislike to me at sight, and I’m bound to say this rather puzzled me. I don’t pretend to have one of those Fascinating Personalities which you get from studying the booklets advertized in the back pages of the magazines, but I couldn’t recall another case in the whole of my career where a single glimpse of the old map had been enough to make anyone look as if he wanted to foam at the mouth. Usually, when people meet me for the first time, they don’t seem to know I’m there.
However, I exerted myself to play the host.
‘Mr Slingsby?’
‘That is my name.’
‘Just got back from America?’
‘I landed this morning.’
‘Sooner than you were expected, what?’
‘So I imagine.’
‘Very glad to see you.’
‘You will not be for long.’
I took time off to do a bit of gulping. I saw now what had happened. This bloke had been home, seen his wife, heard the story of the accident, and had hastened round to the flat to slip it across me. Evidently those roses had not sweetened the female of the species. The only thing to do now seemed to be to take a stab at sweetening the male.
‘Have a drink?’ I said.
‘No!’
‘A cigarette?’
‘No!’
‘A chair?’
‘No!’
I went into the silence once more. These non-drinking, non-smoking, non-sitters a
‘Don’t grin at me, sir!’
I shot a glance at myself in the mirror, and saw what he meant. The sad half-smile had slopped over a bit. I adjusted it, and there was another pause.
‘Now, sir,’ said the Superb Souper. ‘To business. I think I need scarcely tell you why I am here.’
‘No. Of course. Absolutely. It’s about that little matter –’
He gave a snort which nearly upset a vase on the mantelpiece.
‘Little matter? So you consider it a little matter, do you?’
‘Well –’
‘Let me tell you, sir, that when I find that during my absence from the country a man has been annoying my wife with his importunities I regard it as anything but a little matter. And I shall endeavour,’ said the Souper, the eyes gleaming a trifle brighter as he rubbed his hands together in a hideous, menacing way, ‘to make you see the thing in the same light.’
I couldn’t make head or tail of this. I simply couldn’t follow him. The lemon began to swim.
‘Eh?’ I said. ‘Your wife?’
‘You heard me.’
‘There must be some mistake.’
‘There is. You made it.’
‘But I don’t know your wife.’
‘Ha!’
‘I’ve never even met her.’
‘Tchah!’
‘Honestly, I haven’t.’
‘Bah!’
He drank me in for a moment.
‘Do you deny you sent her flowers?’
I felt the heart turn a double somersault. I began to catch his drift.
‘Flowers!’ he proceeded. ‘Roses, sir. Great, fat, beastly roses. Enough of them to sink a ship. Your card was attached to them by a small pin –’
His voice died away in a sort of gurgle, and I saw that he was staring at something behind me. I spun round, and there, in the doorway – I hadn’t seen it open, because during the last spasm of dialogue I had been backing cautiously towards it – there in the doorway stood a female. One glance was enough to tell me who she was. No woman could look so like Lucius Pim who hadn’t the misfortune to be related to him. It was Sister Beatrice, the tough egg. I saw all. She had left home before the flowers had arrived; she had sneaked, unsweetened, into the flat, while I was fortifying the system at the Drones; and here she was.