The Jigsaw Jungle by Kristin Levine
INT. HOTEL GAME ROOM—CONTINUOUS
Dad works the edge pieces. Claudia puts together a jaguar family: mom, dad, baby. Neither of them speaks. Finally, Dad clears his throat.
DAD
Yes, Claudia. I’m gay.
Claudia studies the pieces she’s working on and asks her next question without looking at him.
CLAUDIA
When did you know?
DAD
I think I’ve always known. But I didn’t want to accept it. I spent most of my teens trying to convince myself that everyone had same-sex feelings, but that they were just too personal to talk about.
CLAUDIA
Did that work?
Dad shrugs.
DAD
Not really.
CLAUDIA
If you had those thoughts, why did you marry Mom?
DAD
Because I loved her. She was my best friend. I thought maybe getting married would make those feelings go away.
CLAUDIA
That wasn’t fair to Mom.
DAD
It wasn’t. But, Claudia, when your mother and I were dating, you couldn’t be openly gay and be a teacher. You couldn’t get married. You couldn’t have children. I wanted all those things! And I saw no way to get them as a gay man. So I decided to be straight.
CLAUDIA
You can’t decide to be straight.
DAD
Of course you can’t. No more than you can “decide” to be gay. I know that now. But I didn’t then. I honestly thought if I worked hard enough, if I prayed long enough, I could fix anything. Including myself.
He works a few more pieces in silence.
DAD (CONT’D)
I thought I was broken. That there was something wrong with me. It makes me so sad to think about it now.
CLAUDIA
I still don’t understand. If you realized those feelings weren’t going away, why didn’t you just tell us?
DAD
I couldn’t overcome the shame.
CLAUDIA
Shame about being gay?
DAD
No. I’d accepted that. About my dishonesty. I’d been lying for years to those I loved the most. How could I hurt you and Mom like that?
CLAUDIA
You hurt us by not telling us. You hurt us by running away!
DAD
I know I did and I’m sorry. But when I saw those happy couples on the news, celebrating their new right to marry, well, I just couldn’t go home and face you and Mom. I wish I had done it differently, but I thought I needed some time to . . . try on the decision to come out.
CLAUDIA
What about that email you sent me? The one inviting me to go with you to Papa’s for the weekend? Were you going to . . .
DAD
Yeah. I was thinking about telling you then.
CLAUDIA
I’m sorry I didn’t say yes.
DAD
Claudia, this is not your fault. I’d been thinking about coming out for years. I thought maybe when you graduated high school, I . . . but then last February, when Nana died, I decided I didn’t want to spend any more time pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I had never given my mother a chance to know the real me; I didn’t want to do that to you too.
CLAUDIA
But why the puzzles?
DAD
After the funeral, I realized many of the things I had done with Brian were things I had also done with you. So I found the first piece with C-3PO and put it in my wallet. I thought if you did the treasure hunt and watched the videos of when I was your age, maybe it would remind you of all the good times we’ve had together. Then maybe I could tell you the truth and you might still love me.
Claudia stops working the puzzle and looks up at him.
CLAUDIA
Of course I still love you, Dad!
Dad’s eyes fill with tears, but he can’t bring himself to speak.
CLAUDIA (CONT’D)
I’m mad as heck at you for leaving . . . but I still love you.
DAD
Good. Because I love you too. I know I did the wrong thing, Claudia. I’m sorry I made a mess of coming out. I wish I had been braver. I wish I had been a fighter. I wish I had been like the others who fought for the societal changes I couldn’t even imagine. But if I had, I wouldn’t have had you. And being your father . . . it wasn’t all a lie, Claudia. I know it might feel that way. But my love for you is not a lie.
Now Claudia’s eyes fill with tears.
CLAUDIA
Are you coming home?
DAD
Yes. I bought a bus ticket back to Richmond for tomorrow.
CLAUDIA
To our old house?
There are only a handful of pieces left now and they are working them slowly, trying to make them last.
DAD
No. Mom and I talked about that. I’m going to get an apartment.
CLAUDIA
You’re going to get divorced?
DAD
I think so. But we’ll always be a family, Claudia. And I will always love you.
Only three pieces left now.
CLAUDIA
I’ll always love you too, Dad. But how do I know you won’t leave again?
DAD
Because I won’t.
CLAUDIA
But—
DAD
What I mean is, I know it’s going to take a while for you to fully trust me again.
CLAUDIA
Yeah.
DAD
But that’s okay. I can wait.
Claudia smiles. He hands her the last piece and she puts it into place. They both stare at the completed puzzle, the happy animal families smiling up at them.
DAD (CONT’D)
Is there anything else you wanted to ask?
Claudia thinks for a moment.
CLAUDIA
Yes. Actually, there is.
She gestures to his clothes.
CLAUDIA (CONT’D)
What’s with the outfit?
DAD
What?
CLAUDIA
I mean really, Dad. Biking shorts and a tight T-shirt?!
Dad smiles.
DAD
Too much?
CLAUDIA
You’re a walking cliché.
He laughs.
DAD
I was trying a new look!
CLAUDIA
Remember that time I dyed my hair green?
DAD
Yeah. It’s that bad?
Claudia nods.
CLAUDIA
Can’t you just be gay in your dress shirts and math ties?
Dad laughs again.
DAD
Are we okay, Claudia?
CLAUDIA
Not yet. But I think we will be.
DAD
Good.
And they both smile.
NOTE TO READER
AND YEAH, SO I talked to my dad. And that’s how it went. Not half bad, huh?
I was a little bit proud of myself. Before this summer, I probably would have run out right at the beginning, when all I could focus on was feeling mad. But I didn’t this time. I thought about Luis saying he believed I could handle it, and Kate becoming a big sister when she was almost a teenager, and Mom feeling lonely, and Papa riding the merry-go-round, and Nana dying. Sometimes things change whether you want them to or not. So I stayed and I listened. And I’m glad I did.
TEXT MESSAGE
Claudia Dalton’s Cell Phone | Saturday, July 18, 2015, 7:19 p.m.
KATE
He’s here!!! Harrison James Anderson!!
We’re calling him Harry
He’s so cute!
Mom let me hold him
He smells good
I even changed a poopy diaper
D
OMG, I’m turning into a horrible baby crazy girl!!!
Haha. I’m so happy for you
The pic you sent was adorable
You’re gonna be an awesome big sister
You think?
100% sure
You get to talk to your dad?
Yeah
And?
Gay
Huh
Tell you more when I get home
Okay
Guess what
What?
I talked to my dad too
You did?!
What happened?
I just blurted out that I was worried he wouldn’t have time for me once the baby came
And?
He apologized
Said he knew he had been working too much
Said he was worried too
Said I was amazing for taking that class
I’d have to give him pointers
Your dad made a joke?
Yeah
Do you think he’ll really stop working so much?
I don’t know
I think he wants to
I think he cares
Maybe that’s all I needed to hear
I’m glad you talked to him
Me too
How’s your mom?
She’s fine
Ended up with a C-section
But she’s fine
I’m glad
How about your mom?
Hanging in there
And your dad?
He’s coming home
Getting his own place But coming home
And you?
Me?
How are you doing?
I don’t know
Fair enough
Oh, I forgot to tell you!
My brother is wearing the
dinosaur outfit you sent him
Really?
Yeah
It’s so sweet
Gotta go
Baby crying
See you soon!
VOICE MEMO
Walter Dalton’s Cell Phone | Saturday, July 18, 2015, 9:55 p.m.
[RECORDING BEGINS]
Lily, I just got a drink at the hotel bar with our son. Our gay son.
We didn’t really say much, just sat at the bar and watched the baseball game. We mainly talked about Claudia and how great she is. There were all sorts of things I wanted to ask. But for now, it was enough just to sit and have a drink.
[RECORDING ENDS]
From: Jeffery Dalton
Date: Sunday, July 19, 2015 10:55 AM EST
To: Claudia Dalton
Subject: Thanks
Dear Claudia,
It was good to talk to you yesterday. I know it wasn’t easy, but I wanted to say thank you. For watching the videos. For following the pieces. For digging up the letter. For coming to find me. And for pushing me to say it aloud. Because it felt different when I said it to you out loud, instead of just inside my head. It made me believe that even though things might not be okay right now, maybe they will be. Someday.
There are many things I wish I could do over. But having you as a daughter is not one of them. I love you.
Love, Dad
VIDEO TRANSCRIPT
INT. CAR—DAY
Papa’s behind the wheel again. Mom sits in the passenger seat. After a minute, Mom glances back at Claudia.
MOM
You filming again?
CLAUDIA (O.S.)
Yeah.
MOM
Mmm.
CLAUDIA (O.S.)
What are you thinking?
MOM
Nothing.
CLAUDIA (O.S.)
Come on. There’s this little way you bite your lip when you’re concentrating.
Mom smiles, but looks back out the window before she speaks.
MOM
I was thinking about those postcards your father sent me when I was in France.
PAPA
Postcards? Why?
MOM
He put all these famous quotes on them. I’d always thought they were so sweet and romantic. But now, all I can think about is how he only used other people’s words, and never his own.
CLAUDIA (O.S.)
Are you angry?
MOM
Angry?
She sounds surprised.
MOM (CONT’D)
I think I will be angry. I should be angry, right? He lied to us for many years. But right now, I just feel relieved.
PAPA
Relieved?
MOM
Now I know I’m not crazy. Not imagining things. Now I know why. Why no matter how hard I tried, it never made a difference.
They all think about that for a long moment. Finally, Claudia’s phone buzzes.
CLAUDIA (O.S.)
It’s a text from Dad.
MOM
What’d he say?
CLAUDIA (O.S.)
He sent me the “mixtape”!
PLAYLIST
Claudia Dalton’s Cell Phone | Sunday, July 19, 2015, 11:40 a.m.
1980s Playlist
The Power of Love
Huey Lewis and the News
Addicted to Love
Robert Palmer
If You Love Somebody Set Them Free
Sting
Faith
George Michael
Papa Don’t Preach
Madonna
I Just Can’t Stop Loving You
Michael Jackson
Livin’ on a Prayer
Bon Jovi
I Just Called to Say I Love You
Stevie Wonder
What’s Love Got to Do with It
Tina Turner
The Greatest Love of All
Whitney Houston
PHONE TRANSCRIPT
Claudia Dalton’s Cell Phone | Sunday, July 19, 2015, 10:45 p.m.
Luis: You still up?
Claudia: Yeah. You okay?
Luis: That was . . . some intense footage.
Claudia: Yeah. Maybe I shouldn’t have shown it to you.
Luis: No, I was glad you wanted me to see it. I just couldn’t find the words I wanted once it was done.
Claudia: That’s okay.
Luis: It’s easier now. On the phone. When I don’t have to look at you. [PAUSE] That sounded stupid. I like looking at you. But . . .
Claudia: No, I get it. I think my dad felt the same way. It’s like he couldn’t really talk to me until we had something else to do.
Luis: Until you started the puzzle.
Claudia: Yeah.
Luis: Yeah. It’s funny, last summer, my mom and I did nothing but argue. But then, when she was driving me back to my dad’s, we had the best conversation.
Claudia: Thank you for loaning me your camera.
Luis: Thanks for trusting me with your story.
Claudia: That’s what friends do.
Luis: Yeah. It is.
NOTE TO READER
MOM AND I decided to stay with Papa for a few more days. We wanted to give Dad time to get home and move out. He found an apartment, a two-bedroom, and bought a bunch of stuff from IKEA to fill it up. It was strange how fast things were changing. Only a month before, we’d been at home, celebrating Dad’s birthday.
I spent a lot of time thinking: If I stumbled across a Time-Turner or a TARDIS, would I go back in time and change things? (Okay, so Luis and I had probably been watchi
Forget the obvious for a moment—if Mom and Dad hadn’t gotten married, I wouldn’t be here—and let’s just assume, for the sake of the argument, that I was. Which of all my memories would I be willing to give up?
Building the space station with Dad? Reading at the pool? Learning to work a puzzle? And those are just the old memories. What about going on the merry-go-round with Papa? Or learning to work a video camera with Luis? Or scheming over text messages with my mom? I don’t want to give up any of them!
And so I decided I’d just have to get used to the pieces I’ve been given, even if they don’t form the picture I had imagined they would.
Anyway, that’s what I was thinking while I walked through the aisles at the grocery store with Papa. He was planning another cookout so I could say good-bye to Luis and his family. Papa paused in the meat aisle. “Hot dogs?” he asked. “They were Nana’s favorite,” I said. And he put them in the cart.
RECEIPT
GIANT FOOD
425 E. Monroe Avenue
Alexandria, VA 22301
Store Telephone: (703) 555-8149
7/24/15 11:15 AM
Store #752
GROCERY
3.99
ALL BEEF HOT DOGS
4.99
TURKEY HOT DOGS
3.99
BALLPARK FRANKS
1.99
HOT DOG BUNS
CORN (on the cob)