The Mighty Samurai and the Evil Bird Demon Etsushi: A Kwirky-buki Play by Justin Blasdel
MAKI
Foolish man! I am beyond death. You cannot kill me again.
MAKI's laughter wakes up TADAO. NARRATOR shakes the metal for wind noise.
TADAO
Wha...what's going on? Did you kill her yet?
TATSUYA
No. My blade does not hurt her.
TADAO
Holy hog turds! Why did you make her so mad?
MAKI laughs.
TATSUYA
I don’t know what to do.
TADAO
She must have a weakness. Look for one.
TATSUYA
I cannot see one.
TADAO
Then...then...I don't know! Mess her up! Spit in her face! Trip her! Steal her stupid fan or something! Anything!
MAKI
No! Not my fan! Don't you dare take it from me!
TADAO
Take it! Take the fan! Take it-take it-take it!
TATSUYA moves towards MAKI. MAKI makes another hand gesture. NARRATOR sounds the chimes, and then shakes the metal even harder to create stronger wind sounds. HE is obviously getting tired.
TATSUYA and TADAO are pushed back by the strong winds. THEY fall over as THEY try to move closer and closer to MAKI. Eventually, TATSUYA is close enough and strikes at MAKI's hand.
*@
NARRATOR strikes the gong, and then continues shaking the metal. MAKI drops the fan, revealing HER ugly face. MAKI screams at the top of HER lungs.
MAKI
My face! My pretty, young face!
MAKI screams. SHE acts like something invisible from behind is pulling HER away.
MAKI
No! Not back to my grave! Don't take me back! I must live forever!
MAKI exits.
MAKI (OS)
Live forever! Live forever! Live forever!
MAKI's screams stop as does the NARRATOR’s shaking of the metal. TATSUYA and TADAO are left in silence.
Beat.
TADAO jumps for joy.
TADAO
Yeah!
TATSUYA was startled by the yell, causing HIM to raise HIS sword at TADAO, but TATSUYA calms down quickly.
TADAO
Sorry. I got excited. So...what next?
TATSUYA
We move on. I swore to kill Etsushi before sunrise, and I will not break my word.
TADAO
Oh...okay. I guess I'll come along for that, too.
TATSUYA
Onward! There's no time to waste.
TATSUYA and TADAO exit. NARRATOR massages HIS arm.
NARRATOR
Oooh! I have not shaken my arm so fast and so much since I was thirteen. Oooh! Tatsuya and Tadao did the impossible and destroyed the ghost. But!...will they do it again and kill Etsushi too?! To the top of the highest mountain, the two climbed up and reached the lair of the evil bird demon…Etsushi.
NARRATOR strikes the gong. The lights dim for the scene change, and NARRATOR plays the ukulele.
NARRATOR (CONT.)
Stallion bucks man off.
Man gets back on top of horse.
Man is idiot.
Upon the top of a mountain. The wind is cold, the lighting too close for comfort, and fires from lamps nearby flicker with great warning to would-be warriors. NARRATOR strikes the two blocks of wood at a slow pace. TATSUYA and TADAO look for the hiding demon.
TATSUYA enters with sword in hand, and TADAO follows right behind with HIS staff.
TADAO
So, this is the same demon that took your honor away from you.
TATSUYA
The same one.
TADAO
That seems really...coincidental.
TATSUYA
What do you mean by that?
TADAO
I don't know. The last demon you have to fight for Lord Hoshi is the same demon that humiliated you before? Sounds weird. It's as if someone wrote a really simple story and made a play out of it.
TADAO, TATSUYA, and NARRATOR look at the audience and slowly shake THEIR heads.
Then TADAO and TATSUYA go back to searching for ETSUSHI. NARRATOR goes back to striking the blocks.
TATSUYA
Look carefully. Etsushi is a trickster. He will fool you into thinking you are safe, and that's when he will strike.
TADAO
Sounds like a coward.
ETSUSHI (OS)
A coward think you am I?
For that, you surely will die.
TADAO and TATSUYA look frantically around them, but do not see ETSUSHI.
TATSUYA
Etsushi, evil demon of lies, it is I, Tatsuya Nakadai, the samurai you vanquished so long ago, and I have finally come for my revenge!
ETSUSHI (OS)
Oh, so you've come to kill me?
With a friend I can see.
TADAO
I am Tadao Nakamaru, ex-monk, newlywed, skilled...stick-wielder, and I will help my friend destroy you!
NARRATOR strikes the gong and the lights flicker to represent lightning and thunder.
*@
NARRATOR returns to hitting the blocks.
ETSUSHI (OS)
[laughs] One idiot? One is great fun to deceive.
Two idiots? Two is too good to believe.
TATSUYA
Etsushi, we have slain your soldier Shigeru, I have defeated your ninja assassin Shin, and I have banished your witch-ghost Maki. And now, finally, I will finish you!
NARRATOR strikes the gong and the lights flicker.
*@
NARRATOR returns to hitting the blocks
ETSUSHI (OS)
[laughs] If you wish for death, then death you will have.
Behold, my true form, my more awesome half!
ETSUSHI enters, laughing maniacally. HE is a more terrifying version of what HE looked like before: larger beak, different color of feathers, golden horns, etc. HE no longer walks like an ostrich, but stands up right and moves HIS head from side to side like an owl.
NARRATOR strikes the gong five times and the lights flicker. TADAO screams like a young girl...for awhile. In fact, ETSUSHI ,TATSUYA, and NARRATOR have to wait for TADAO to stop.
TADAO
[to TATSUYA] What? He's scary.
NARRATOR strikes the drums in a 2-1 beat.
ETSUSHI
Still brave enough to strike me?
Still man enough to fight me?
TATSUYA
You look different, but you are still the same coward demon I knew before!
TADAO
Yeah! And you can't rhyme "me" with "me,” you moron!
ETSUSHI shrieks at TADAO, who quickly moves behind TATSUYA.
ETSUSHI
Dare insult me to my face?
You’ll die right now in disgrace!
ETSUSHI moves towards TADAO. NARRATOR stops striking the drum.
TATSUYA
Leave my friend alone!
TATSUYA yells, raises HIS sword, and runs to ETSUSHI. As before, ETSUSHI spreads out HIS wings and time is slowed down for the audience.
*@
NARRATOR quickly beats on the drums during this. Yelling in a low pitch and tiptoeing to move, TATSUYA slowly swings at ETSUSHI, and ETSUSHI easily dodges the attack by tiptoeing out of the way. NARRATOR goes back to the 2-1 beat on the drums.
TADAO
Holy crap! He can make us move in slow motion?!? How does he do that?
ETSUSHI
I’m beyond understanding.
Strike once more, it’s amusing.
Again, TATSUYA moves in slow motion (with NARRATOR’s drum beat) to attack ETSUSHI, and ETSUSHI moves out of the way.
ETSUSHI
Look at me. I am not harmed.
Try again. Third time's a charm.
TATSUYA takes a deep breath, yells at the top of his lungs, and attacks. Everything moves even more slowly than before, and the NARRATOR beats the drums a little more slowly.
*@
NARRATOR strikes the gong. ETSUSHI laughs, and TATSUYA holds HIS hurt arm.
TADAO
Get up! Get up, Tatsuya! Get up!
ETSUSHI
Now, I will make you feel pain.
First, your friend will die in vain!
ETSUSHI turns around and readies to strike TADAO.
TATSUYA
Tadao!!!
TADAO
Tatsuya!!!
*@ (Very excitedly and extended throughout the slow motion)
ETSUSHI screeches and strikes at TADAO in slow motion.
NARRATOR quickly beats the drums.
As ETSUSHI's lowers the sword down upon TADAO, TADAO lifts HIS staff to defend HIMSELF in a rather sneaky way. Before ETSUSHI is about to cut into TADAO, the staff hits ETSUSHI right in the privates.
ETSUSHI feels pain like HE's never felt before, and drops the sword. NARRATOR’s yell drops in pitch to relate some compassion for the nut shot, and HE hits the gong. After a moment of slow motion yelling, time moves normally. TADAO laughs, but then ETSUSHI strangles HIM, making HIM drop HIS staff.
ETSUSHI
That hurt like hell! I'm gonna squeeze your head off your neck like an oversized pimple!!!
TADAO
[choking] That...didn't...rhyme....that...didn't....rhyme...ha....ha....ha....ha
Unseen by ETSUSHI, TATSUYA picks up the sword. TADAO nods to TATSUYA to do it quickly.
TATSUYA
Etsushi!!!
ETSUSHI turns around, and TATSUYA stabs HIM in the chest. ETSUSHI screeches in agony.
NARRATOR repeatedly hits the gong, and the lights flash repeatedly.
ETSUSHI falls down on HIS knees, yells at the sky, seizures, falls down on the ground, and dies. The lighting stops, and dawn approaches.
Beat.
NARRATOR plays NAMI’s tune on the flute.
TATSUYA
I finally have my honor once again.
TADAO
Yes, you do.
TATSUYA cries and hugs TADAO.
TADAO
What?! What's wrong now?
TATSUYA
I am so happy! I have my honor, I have my dignity, and I have you, my good friend!
TADAO hugs back.
TADAO
Yes, yes, my friend. Your nightmare is over.
Beat.
TADAO
You can stop hugging me now.
TATSUYA lets go.
TADAO
And start hugging Nami. If I remember, killing a demon for the Lord Akira Hoshi means you get to marry one of his daughters.
TATSUYA
That's true! I get to marry Nami! Nami will be my wife! I will be her husband! I am the happiest man in the world.
TADAO
Let's go back and tell everyone the good news.
TADAO picks up HIS staff, and TATSUYA and TADAO bow to EACH OTHER. THEY then exit. NARRATOR stops playing flute.
NARRATOR
Etsushi, the great bird demon, torturer of man, was killed. Tatsuya had his honor back, yes, but he needed one more thing to be a true man. A loyal wife. This, he found on the path back to Lord Hoshi’s house.
NARRATOR strikes the gong. The lights dim for the scene change, and NARRATOR plays the ukulele. ETSUSHI exits.
NARRATOR
Boy in love with girl.
He leaves and comes back a man.
Girl never left man.
Along a path towards Lord Hoshi's house. It is a bright day, and everything is well. TATSUYA and TADAO are laughing out loud as THEY enter. NARRATOR stops playing ukulele. TADAO looks off to the distance.
TADAO
I think I see Nami.
TATSUYA looks in the distance too, and THEY wave.
TATSUYA
I see Yuriko, too.
TADAO
As big as she is, how could you not see her?
NARRATOR plays an awkward tune on the kazoo. TADAO and TATSUYA look at NARRATOR.
NARRATOR
What? I got it for free. I had to use it at least once! Go back to happy ending!
TADAO and TATSUYA shake THEIR heads and get back into character.
TADAO (CONT.)
Tatsuya? I...I want to thank you.
TATSUYA
No. It is I who must thank you.
TADAO
Really, I want to thank you for making my life wonderful. Without you, I was prepared to live the life of a street beggar. But, you showed me how to be a warrior. For that, I am grateful.
TATSUYA
Before you, I was ready to die at the bottom of a sake barrel. I am a hero now, but you are a true friend. My friend.
TATSUYA and TADAO bow to EACH OTHER.
NAMI (OS)
Tatsuya! Tatsuya!
TADAO
There is your wife-to-be. I'll leave you two to have some privacy.
NAMI enters, happy and excited. NARRATOR plays NAMI’s tune on the flute. NAMI quickly bows to TADAO and then jumps in the arms of TATSUYA.
NAMI
My hero!
TATSUYA
My woman!
TADAO
Awww. That's sweet. And now, time for me to get my woman.
TADAO exercises in place for a few seconds. TATSUYA lets NAMI down easily to the ground.
TADAO
Have to be prepared. Don't want to strain or pull anything out of place...again.
TADAO bows to NAMI and TATSUYA and exits.
NAMI
I knew I'd see you again.
TATSUYA
I promised I would.
NAMI
The ogre, my ancestor, and the demon...all dead?
TATSUYA
All dead. You and your house are safe. The curse is lifted.
NAMI
Because of you.
TATSUYA
Because of my love for you.
NAMI coyly walks away.
NAMI
So...now that you have your honor back, what are you going to do? Run off to foreign lands, kill more demons, find other girls to kiss?
TATSUYA
[laughing] I've seen all the land I need to. I've killed all the demons I want to. And I only want one girl to kiss.
TATSUYA turns NAMI to face him.
NAMI
Then kiss me. Kiss me, and give our story a happy ending.
TATSUYA and NAMI kiss. THEY then hold hands and exit. When THEY do, the NARRATOR stops playing the flute.
*@
NARRATOR strikes the gong. HE then stands up, moaning from the pain, and walks to the center of the stage.
NARRATOR points to the audience member from before, points to the empty seat, and then points to the floor. The audience member puts the chair in the center of stage, and NARRATOR sits down.
The Kabuki/Noh theatre music plays again.
NARRATOR
And so--What the hell?
VOICE 1 (OS)
Hey! Fixed your stereo.
NARRATOR
I don't need it now, Idiot! Turn it off!
VOICE 1 (OS)
I don't know how.
NARRATOR
[mumbles] That is the last time I hire a man who picks his nose in public, even if he works only for fortune cookies. [to audience] And so, everyone lived happy. Lord Hoshi's curse gone, Tatsuya’s honor was back, and Nami found a husband. And that is how the Nakadai Clan became legends. From Tatsuya and on, his sons and their sons and their sons have left home and returned warriors. They never once--
VOICE 1 (OS)
What happened to Tadao?
NARRATOR
Huh?!
VOICE 1 (OS)
What happened to Tadao, man? Did he go back to being a monk or something?
NARRATOR
&
VOICE 1 (OS)
So?
NARRATOR
So what?!
VOICE 1 (OS)
What did he do? You were there, right? You should know.
NARRATOR
He...got old and rich and famous all on his own. Without any help. And then he died...and was buried like a king. Flowers everywhere. A golden coffin. Many women crying over him. It was very sad.
VOICE 1 (OS)
That’s it?
NARRATOR
That’s it. Nothing more. You hear me?! Nothing more!
YURIKO (OS)
Tadao? Tadao? Stop hiding and come on out! It's lovemaking time, and I've got all the mixin's for a sex sandwich!
NARRATOR
Oh, no! She found me!
The NARRATOR goes back and forth, trying to decide where to run.
NARRATOR
Uhh....you never saw me! None of you! Not even you, the slow chair mover, got it?!
The NARRATOR exits, and YURIKO enters hastily walking on her own staff. YURIKO searches the stage for signs of HER husband.