The Mousetrap and Other Plays by Agatha Christie
MISS WILLIAMS. (with sharp authority) Angela! Angela, come along.
ANGELA. (near to tears; sulkily) Oh, all right. (She runs into the room)
(MISS WILLIAMS follows Angela into the room. ELSA enters up C. She has changed into a dress and looks ravishing. ANGELA gives Elsa a venomous look and runs out up C. MISS WILLIAMS follows Angela off, and closes the door)
AMYAS. (sitting up) Wham! Why didn’t you stand up for me? I’m black and blue.
PHILIP. (leaning against the downstage end of the pergola) Black and blue? You’re all the colours of the rainbow.
(ELSA wanders on to the terrace and moves down C, beside the easel)
You’ve got enough paint on you to . . . (He breaks off as he sees Elsa)
AMYAS. Hullo, Elsa. All dolled up? You’ll knock poor old Merry all of a heap.
PHILIP. (dryly) Yes—I—I’ve been admiring the picture. (He crosses below the easel to R of it and looks at the portrait)
ELSA. I shall be glad when it’s finished. I loathe having to sit still. Amyas grunts and sweats and bites his brushes and doesn’t hear you when you speak to him.
AMYAS. (playfully) All models should have their tongues cut out.
(ELSA crosses and sits below Amyas on the bench)
(He looks appraisingly at her) Anyway, you can’t walk across the fields to Merry’s in those shoes.
ELSA. (turning her foot this way and that; demurely) I shan’t need to. He’s coming to fetch me in his car.
AMYAS. Preferential treatment, eh? (He grins) You’ve certainly got old Merry going. How do you do it, you little devil?
ELSA. (playfully) I don’t know what you mean.
(AMYAS and ELSA are immersed in each other. PHILIP crosses to the french windows)
PHILIP. (as he passes them) I’ll go and have a wash.
AMYAS. (not hearing Philip; to Elsa) Yes, you do. You know damn well what I mean. (He moves to kiss Elsa’s ear, realizes Philip has said something and turns to him) What?
PHILIP. (quietly) A wash.
(PHILIP goes into the room and exits up C, closing the door behind him)
AMYAS. (laughing) Good old Phil.
ELSA. (rising and crossing below the easel to R) You’re very fond of him, aren’t you?
AMYAS. Known him all my life. He’s a great guy.
ELSA. (turning and looking at the portrait) I don’t think it’s a bit like me.
AMYAS. Don’t pretend you’ve any artistic judgement, Elsa. (He rises) You know nothing at all.
ELSA. (quite pleased) How rude you are. Are you going out to tea with all that paint on your face?
(AMYAS crosses to the paintbox, takes up a piece of rag and moves to Elsa)
AMYAS. Here, clean me off a bit.
(ELSA takes the rag and rubs his face)
Don’t put the turps in my eye.
ELSA. Well, hold still. (After a second she puts both her arms around his waist) Who do you love?
AMYAS. (not moving; quietly) Caroline’s room faces this way—so does Angela’s.
ELSA. I want to talk to you about Caroline.
AMYAS. (taking the rag and sitting on the stool) Not now. I’m not in the mood.
ELSA. It’s no good putting it off. She’s got to know sometime, hasn’t she?
AMYAS. (grinning) We could go off Victorian fashion and leave a note on her pin-cushion.
ELSA. (moving between Amyas and the easel) I believe that’s just what you’d like to do. But we’ve got to be absolutely fair and aboveboard about the whole thing.
AMYAS. Hoity-toity!
ELSA. Oh, do be serious.
AMYAS. I am serious. I don’t want a lot of fuss and scenes and hysterics. Now, mind yourself. (He pushes her gently aside)
ELSA. (moving R) I don’t see why there should be scenes and hysterics. Caroline should have too much dignity and pride for that. (She pivots around)
AMYAS. (absorbed in painting) Should she? You don’t know Caroline.
ELSA. When a marriage has gone wrong, it’s only sensible to face the fact calmly.AMYAS. (turning to look at her) Advice from our marriage counsellor. Caroline loves me and she’ll kick up the hell of a row.
ELSA. (moving down R) If she really loved you, she’d want you to be happy.
AMYAS. (grinning) With somebody else? She’ll probably poison you and stick a knife into me.
ELSA. Don’t be ridiculous!
AMYAS. (wiping his hands and nodding at the picture) Well, that’s that. Nothing doing until tomorrow morning. (He drops the rag, rises and moves to Elsa) Lovely, lovely Elsa. (He takes her face in his hands) What a lot of bloody nonsense you talk. (He kisses her)
(ANGELA rushes in up C, runs on to the terrace and exits down L. ELSA and AMYAS break apart. MISS WILLIAMS enters up C, goes on to the terrace and looks off L)
MISS WILLIAMS. (calling) Angela!
AMYAS. (crossing down L) She went this-a-way. Shall I catch her for you?
MISS WILLIAMS. (moving down LC) No, it’s all right. She’ll come back of her own accord as soon as she sees nobody is paying any attention to her.
(ELSA goes into the room, picks up a magazine from the sofa and sits in the armchair R)
AMYAS. There’s something in that.
MISS WILLIAMS. She’s young for her age, you know. Growing up is a difficult business. Angela is at the prickly stage.
AMYAS. (moving up L) Don’t talk to me of prickles. Reminds me too much of that ruddy hedgehog.
MISS WILLIAMS. That was very naughty of Angela.
AMYAS. (moving to the french windows) Sometimes I wonder how you can stick her.
MISS WILLIAMS. (turning to face Amyas) I can see ahead. Angela will be a fine woman one day, and a distinguished one.
AMYAS. I still say Caroline spoils her. (He goes into the room and crosses to C of it)
(MISS WILLIAMS moves to the french windows and listens)
ELSA. (in a whisper) Did she see us?
AMYAS. Who can say? I suppose I’ve got lipstick on my face now as well as paint.
(AMYAS glances off L and exits quickly up C. MISS WILLIAMS comes into the room and moves above the stool, uncertain whether to go or not. She decides to stay)
MISS WILLIAMS. You haven’t been over to Mr. Blake’s house yet, have you, Miss Greer?
ELSA. (flatly) No.
MISS WILLIAMS. It’s a delightful walk there. You can go by the shore or through the woods.
(CAROLINE and PHILIP enter up C. CAROLINE glances around the room, then goes to the french windows and looks on to the terrace. PHILIP closes the door and looks at the carved head on the table up LC)
CAROLINE. Are we all ready? Amyas has gone to clean the paint off himself.
ELSA. He needn’t. Artists aren’t like other people.
(CAROLINE pays no attention to Elsa)
CAROLINE. (moving to the armchair L; to Philip) You haven’t been down here since Merry started on his lily pond, have you, Phil? (She sits)
PHILIP. Don’t think so.
ELSA. People in the country talk of nothing but their gardens.
(There is a pause. CAROLINE takes her spectacles from her handbag and puts them on. PHILIP looks at Elsa, and then sits on the stool facing the head)
CAROLINE. (to Miss Williams) Did you ring up the vet about Toby?
MISS WILLIAMS. Yes, Mrs. Crale. He’ll come first thing tomorrow.
CAROLINE. (to Philip) Do you like that head, Phil? Amyas bought it last month.
PHILIP. Yes. It’s good.
CAROLINE. (searching in her handbag for her cigarettes) It’s the work of a young Norwegian sculptor, Amyas thinks very highly of him. We’re thinking of going over to Norway next year to visit him.
ELSA. That doesn’t seem to me very likely.
CAROLINE. Doesn’t it, Elsa? Why?
ELSA. You know very well.
CAROLINE. (lightly) How very cryptic. Miss Williams, would you mind—my cigarette case—(she indicates the table RC) it’s on that little table.
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(She takes a cigarette from her own case) I prefer these—do you mind?
(MISS WILLIAMS moves to the table up LC and puts the case on it. PHILIP lights Caroline’s cigarette, then takes one of his own and lights it)
ELSA. (rising and moving below the stool) This would be quite a good room if it was properly fixed. All this litter of old-fashioned stuff cleared out.
(There is a pause. PHILIP looks at Elsa)
CAROLINE. We like it as it is. It holds a lot of memories.
ELSA. (loudly and aggressively) When I’m living here I shall throw all this rubbish out.
(PHILIP crosses to Elsa and offers her a cigarette)
No, thank you.
(PHILIP crosses to R)
Flame-coloured curtains, I think—and one of those French wallpapers. (To Philip) Don’t you think that would be rather striking?
CAROLINE. (evenly) Are you thinking of buying Alderbury, Elsa?
ELSA. It won’t be necessary for me to buy it.
CAROLINE. What do you mean?
ELSA. Must we pretend? (She moves C) Come now, Caroline, you know perfectly well what I mean.
CAROLINE. I assure you I’ve no idea.
ELSA. (aggressively) Oh, don’t be such an ostrich, burying your head in the sand and pretending you don’t know all about it. (She turns, moves to R of the stool, tosses the magazine on to the armchair R and moves up R) Amyas and I love each other. It’s his house, not yours.
(ANGELA runs on down L, crosses to the french windows, stops outside and listens. PHILIP and MISS WILLIAMS are frozen)
And after we’re married I shall live here with him.
CAROLINE. (angrily) I think you must be crazy.
ELSA. Oh, no, I’m not. (She sits on the sofa at the left end) It will be much simpler if we’re honest about it. There’s only one decent thing for you to do—give him his freedom.
CAROLINE. Don’t talk nonsense!
ELSA. Nonsense, is it? Ask him.
(AMYAS enters up C. ANGELA, unseen, exits by the door up L)
CAROLINE. I will. Amyas, Elsa says you want to marry her. Is it true?
AMYAS. (after a slight pause; to Elsa) Why the devil couldn’t you hold your tongue?
CAROLINE. Is it true?
(AMYAS, leaving the door open, crosses to the armchair R, picks up the magazine and sits)
AMYAS. We don’t have to talk about it now. (He looks at the magazine)
CAROLINE. But we are going to talk about it now.
ELSA. It’s only fair to Caroline to tell her the truth.
CAROLINE. (icily) I don’t think you need bother about being fair to me. (She rises and crosses to Amyas) Is it true, Amyas?
(AMYAS looks hunted and glances from Elsa to Caroline)
AMYAS. (to Philip) Women.
CAROLINE. (furiously) Is it true?
AMYAS. (defiantly) All right. It’s true enough.
(ELSA rises, triumphant)
But I don’t want to talk about it now.
ELSA. You see? It’s no good your adopting a dog-in-the-manger attitude. These things happen. It’s nobody’s fault. One just has to be rational about it. (She sits on the stool, facing upstage) You and Amyas will always be good friends, I hope.
CAROLINE. (crossing to the door up C) Good friends! Over his dead body.
ELSA. What do you mean?
CAROLINE. (turning in the open doorway) I mean that I’d kill Amyas before I’d give him up to you.
(CAROLINE exits up C. There is a frozen silence. MISS WILLIAMS sees Caroline’s bag on the armchair L, picks it up and exits hurriedly up C)
AMYAS. (rising and crossing to the french windows) Now you’ve done it. We’ll have scenes and ructions and God knows what.
ELSA. (rising) She had to know some time.
AMYAS. (moving on to the terrace) She needn’t have known till the picture was finished.
(ELSA moves to the french windows)
(He stands behind the bench) How the hell can a man paint with a lot of women buzzing about his ears like wasps.
ELSA. You think nothing’s important but your painting.
AMYAS. (shouting) Nothing is to me.
ELSA. Well, I think it matters to be honest about things.
(ELSA rushes angrily out up C. AMYAS comes into the room)
AMYAS. Give me a cigarette, Phil.
(PHILIP offers his cigarettes and AMYAS takes one)
(He sits astride the stool) Women are all alike. Revel in scenes. Why the devil couldn’t she hold her tongue? I’ve got to finish that picture, Phil. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done. And a couple of damn women want to muck it up between them. (He takes out his matches and lights his cigarette)
PHILIP. Suppose she refuses to give you a divorce?
AMYAS. (abstracted) What?
PHILIP. I said—suppose Caroline refuses to divorce you. Suppose she digs her toes in.
AMYAS. Oh, that. Caroline would never be vindictive. (He tosses the spent match out of the french windows) You don’t understand, old boy.
PHILIP. And the child. There’s the child to consider.
AMYAS. Look, Phil, I know you mean well, but don’t go on croaking like a raven, I can manage my own affairs. Everything will turn out all right, you’ll see.
PHILIP. Optimist!
(MEREDITH enters up C, closing the door behind him)
MEREDITH. (cheerily) Hullo, Phil. Just got down from London? (To Amyas) Hope you haven’t forgotten you’re all coming over to me this afternoon. I’ve got the car here. I thought Caroline and Elsa might prefer it to walking this hot weather. (He crosses to LC)
AMYAS. (rising) Not Caroline and Elsa. If Caroline drives Elsa will walk, and if Elsa rides, Caroline will walk. Take your pick. (He goes on to the terrace, sits on the stool and busies himself with painting)
MEREDITH. (startled) What’s the matter with him? Something happened?
PHILIP. It’s just come out.
MEREDITH. What?
PHILIP. Elsa broke the news to Caroline that she and Amyas planned to marry. (Maliciously) Quite a shock for Caroline.
MEREDITH. No! You’re joking!
(PHILIP shrugs, moves to the armchair R, picks up the magazine, sits and reads)
(He goes on to the terrace and turns to Amyas) Amyas! You—this—it can’t be true?
AMYAS. I don’t know yet what you’re talking about. What can’t be true?
MEREDITH. You and Elsa. Caroline . . .
AMYAS. (cleaning his brush) Oh, that.
MEREDITH. Look here, Amyas, you can’t just for the sake of a sudden infatuation, break up your whole married life. I know Elsa’s very attractive . . .
AMYAS. (grinning) So you’ve noticed that, have you?
MEREDITH. (crossing below Amyas to R; much concerned) I can quite understand a girl like Elsa bowling any man over, yes, but think of her—she’s very young, you know. She might regret it bitterly later on. Can’t you pull yourself together? For little Carla’s sake? Make a clean break here and now, and go back to your wife.
(AMYAS looks up thoughtfully)
(He crosses to the bench and turns) Believe me, it’s the right thing. I know it.
AMYAS. (after a pause; quietly) You’re a good chap, Merry. But you’re too sentimental.
MEREDITH. Look at the position you’ve put Caroline in by having the girl down here.
AMYAS. Well, I wanted to paint her.
MEREDITH. (angrily) Oh, damn your pictures!
AMYAS. (hotly) All the neurotic women in England can’t do that.
MEREDITH. (sitting on the bench) It’s disgraceful the way you’ve always treated Caroline. She’s had a miserable life with you.
AMYAS. I know—I know. I’ve given Caroline one hell of a life—and she’s been a saint about it. (He rises and moves down R) But she always knew what she
MEREDITH. (quickly) This is the first time you’ve brought a woman into the house and flaunted her in Caroline’s face.
AMYAS. (crossing to the trolley) What you don’t seem to understand, Meredith, is that when I’m painting, nothing else matters—least of all a pair of jealous, quarrelling women. (He turns to the trolley and picks up the glass of beer)
(ANGELA enters by the door up L and moves slowly to easel. She is now clean and tidy, in a cotton frock)
Don’t worry, Merry, everything’s going to be all right, you’ll see. (He sips the beer) Oh, it’s warm. (He turns and sees Angela) Hullo, Angy, you’re looking remarkably clean and tidy.
ANGELA. (abstracted) Oh—yes. (She crosses to Amyas) Amyas, why does Elsa say she’s going to marry you? She couldn’t. People can’t have two wives. It’s bigamy. (Confidentially) You can go to prison for it.
(AMYAS glances at Meredith, puts his glass on the trolley, puts an arm around Angela’s shoulder and leads her to RC)
AMYAS. Now, where did you hear that?
ANGELA. I was out here. I heard it through the window.
AMYAS. (sitting on the stool by the easel) Then it’s time you got out of the habit of eavesdropping.
(ELSA enters up C with her bag and gloves, which she puts on the table up LC)
ANGELA. (hurt and indignant) I wasn’t—I couldn’t help hearing. Why did Elsa say that?
AMYAS. It was a kind of joke, darling.
(CAROLINE enters by the door up L and moves down L)
CAROLINE. It’s time we started. Those of us who are going to walk.
MEREDITH. (rising) I’ll drive you.
CAROLINE. I’d rather walk.
(ELSA comes on to the terrace)
Take Elsa in the car. (She crosses below Amyas to Angela)
ELSA. (moving to R of Meredith) Don’t you grow herbs and all sorts of exciting things?
CAROLINE. (to Angela) That’s better. You won’t be able to wear jeans at school, you know.
ANGELA. (crossing angrily down L) School! I wish you wouldn’t keep on about school.
MEREDITH. (continuing to Elsa) I make cordials and potions. I have my own little laboratory.
ELSA. It sounds fascinating. You must show me.
(CAROLINE crosses to Angela, looking at Elsa on the way. She straightens Angela’s pig-tails)