The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Series 3 by R. H. Newell
LETTER LXXXI.
SHOWING HOW A MINION OF TYRANNY WAS TERRIBLY PUNISHED FOR INTERFERING WITH THE CONSERVATIVE WOMEN OF AMERICA; AND DESCRIBING THE KENTUCKY CHAP'S REMARKABLE SKIRMISH WITH HIS THANKSGIVING DINNER.
WASHINGTON, D.C., Jan. 7th, 1863.
As I make it a practice to pay all my honest debts, my boy, and havenever flagellated a person of African descent, I could not properlycome under the head of "Chivalry" in an American dictionary, though Imight possibly come under its feet in the "Union-as-it-Was;" yet I havethat in my nature which revolts at the thought of a war against women,and am sufficiently chivalrous to defend any cause whose effects arecrinoline. The bell-shaped structure called Woman, my boy, was createdexpressly to conquer unresisting adversaries; to win engagementswithout receiving a blow, and to do pretty much as she pleases, bypleasing pretty much as she does. She is a harmless creation ofherself, my boy; and to war directly against her because she may chanceto influence her male friends to war against us, is about as sensibleas it would be to execrate our hatter because a gust of wind blows ournew beaver into the mud. If the hatter had not made the hat, the windcould not have blown it off, and if God had not made women, she couldnot encourage the well-known Southern Confederacy against us; but shallwe turn enemy to the hatter, or to the woman, on this account? Not ifwe know ourselves, my boy, and recognize the high moral spirit ofjustice observable in the Constitution.
Being thus possessed of a reverence for that sex whose bonnets remindme of cake-baskets, I cannot refrain from frowning indignantly uponthat horrible spirit of national tyranny which has inspired SergeantO'Pake, of the demoralized Mackerel Brigade, to issue the following
"GENERAL ORDER."
"For the purpose of simplifying national strategy to those conservative women of America who, while engaged in the pursuit of happiness as guaranteed by the Constitution, desire to visit the Southern Confederacy, it is ordered that they shall answer the following paternal questions before passing the lines of the Mackerel Brigade:
"I. For how many years has your age been Just Twenty-two?
"II. How many novels do you consume per week?
"III. Were you ever complained of to the authorities for inordinate piano-forte playing?
"IV. Do you work slippers for the heathen?
"V. If so; for _what_ He, then?
"VI. What newspaper's 'Marriages and Deaths' do you consider the best?
"VII. In selecting a church to attend, what colored prayer-book do you find most becoming to your complexion?
"VIII. How much display of neck do you consider necessary to indicate a Modesty which shrinks from showing an ankle?
"IX. Did you ever stoop to folly? or is it Folly alone that stoops to you?
"X. Did you ever eat as much as you wanted at dinner, when members of the opposite sex were opposite?
"It is also ordered that no female visitor to the celebrated Southern Confederacy shall carry more than eight large trunks and a bonnet-box for each month in the year; and that no female shall pass the line, whose dimensions in full dress exceed the ordinary space between two pickets, as the latter will, on no account be permitted to edge away from their stations at this trying crisis in the history of our distracted country.
"O'PAKE, "Sergeant Mackerel Brigade."
This inhuman order had scarcely been issued when there came to theMackerel lines in front of Paris a virtuous young female, aged 23 withthe figures reversed, who was disgusted with the great vulgarity of theNorth, and wished to visit the marriageable Southern Confederacy,having heard that the Confederacy was carefully Husbanding itsresources. Being a poor girl, with "nothing to wear," she only hadseven Saratoga trunks, ten bandboxes, fourteen small carpet-bags, and alap-dog; yet the ill-bred O'Pake was suspicious enough to examine oneof her trunks.
He ruthlessly opened it in her presence, my boy, and quickly met withthe horrible fate which was at once immortalized by the MackerelChaplain in the following awful presentment:
"THE AVENGING SKELETON."
"When tyrant purpose made the martial fool With brief authority profoundly drunk, Unto his minions issued forth a rule, To search each Southward-going woman's trunk.
"There was a Sergeant of the Mack'rel ranks Made one attempt to carry out the law; But ah!--to Providence a thousand thanks!-- He met a doom to fill the soul with awe.
"Scarce had his impious hands the task begun;-- Scarce had he ope'd the vast and mammoth thing,-- When, from the trunk's interior Phlegethon, Came forth a horrid phantom, with a spring!
"It was a dreadful monster, without flesh, Made up of ever-less'ning, perfect hoops; More terrible to vision than secesh, With all his ragged, whiskey-drinking troops.
"The wretched Sergeant started back with fear, And would have 'scaped the penalty incurred; But, ah! the spectre caught him by an ear, And held him trembling like a prisoned bird.
"Wrought up to frenzy by mishap so dire, He struck the phantom in his thoughtless rage; But 'twas like fanning to put out a fire, And straight his hand was tangled in a cage!
"And then his other tyrant hand he tried To ease the springs that pressed him ev'rywhere; His futile blow the Skeleton defied,-- His other hand was taken in a snare!
"Then round his form the dread avenger coiled, Like snakes' backbones in unelastic curl; By prison-bars his wished retreat is foiled, And in a cage behold the trembling churl.
"Still mad with terror at his grievous plight, He lifts a foot, as though to kick at last; When, lo! his leg goes through an op'ning slight, And there two wiry circles hold it fast.
"He plunges, staggers, tries to tear the bands Which make that woman's Skeleton complete; Then reeleth blindly unto where she stands, And falls in helpless bondage at her feet!"
When the poor tool of tyranny was released from this terrific skeleton,he looked as bewildered as one who had just returned from the outskirtsof civilization; but still his fiendish taste for trunk-inspection wasnot conquered. He returned to the edge of the wardrobe abyss, drewforth an immense white article, and says he:
"Do my spectacles relate a fiction, or is this indeed a Sibley tent forthe use of the Confederacy?"
At this moment the excellent young woman hastily snatched the articleaway from him, and says she:
"You nasty thing, that's my"--here she blushed.
At times, my boy, woman's blush is the imperial banner of virginModesty thrown out to catch the breeze that wafts the sound of comingrescue, and means: "_God is my defence._" At other times, it is theeloquent protest of a fine intelligence which deprecates the test thatwould turn all its hidden beauties to the public eye, and means:_Humility is born of Genius._ But in this case, it was the lurid flushof anger, and meant--_a petticoat_.
Not wishing to further betray the reproachful fact that he was anunmarried Mackerel, Sergeant O'Pake closed the trunk with emphasis, andpermitted the triumphant young woman of America to trip it lightly tothe South.
The Mackerel Brigade at present constitutes one of three parallellines, the other two being the celebrated City of Paris and the wellknown Southern Confederacy. Paris is the central one, and may be calledthe line of battle, over which the Orange County Howitzers arecontinually hurling shot and shell at the glorious sun. During the dayit is much frequented by Southern Confederacies, who drink anythingthat will pour into a tumbler; and in the evening it is visited by ourindomitable troops, who go to look at the empty bottles. You may ask,my boy, why the Confederacies are not routed, and Paris occupied? Ianswer, that the new General of the Mackerel Brigade will not attack aninferior force, and is waiting until there shall be something worthkilling on the opposite side. Too often did the former General of theMackerel Brigade make the mistake this high-minded co
On Thanksgiving Day, however, we had a skirmish of thrilling intensity.The conservative Kentucky chap, my boy, has got command of Company 2,Regiment 1, and having drilled them in swearing, to the sound of theEmancipation Proclamation, for a whole fortnight, he has brought themto a high state of discipline and profanity. On Thursday morning, justafter one of our scouts had cleaned his spectacles, he beheld aConfederate turkey emerge from this side of Paris and proceed to insultthe United States of America by hideous gobblings. The alarm was atonce given, and after swearing at his men to give them confidence, theconservative Kentucky chap led them forth to capture the obscene bird.Onward pushed the spectacled veterans, with fixed bayonets, addressingtheir eyes with pleasant oaths, and hoping that they might meet HoraceGreeley.
The Confederate turkey was eating a worm at the moment, and only pausedlong enough to eye our troops with that species of disdain which comesof Southern birth. He felt, as it were, that he was protected by theConstitution of our forefathers.
The conservative Kentucky chap, being fond of turkey for dinnerhimself, waved his glittering sword above his head, and says he:
"The South has brought this upon herself. Make ready.--"
He was about to add "Fire!" my boy! but he had just put on hisspectacles, and a sudden change came over his Kentucky countenance.Says he:
"For Heaven's sake, don't fire! Vallandigham me," says he, staringright over the turkey,--"Vallandigham me, if I didn't come near tellingthem to shoot! And there's a nigger coming after the turkey as sure asdeath. Ah! what an escape!"
A Mackerel chap, who had noticed his staring and great agitation,approached respectfully, and says he:
"Does a obstacle to victory protrude?"
The conservative Kentucky chap spat at a copy of the "Tribune," whichhe threw upon the ground for the purpose, and says he:
"Notwithstanding any Proclamations whatsoever, Kentucky is not wagingthis war against the institution of slavery. In the dim distance Ibehold a contraband apparently approaching the turkey, and there mustbe no bombardment until he has returned to his rightful owner."
The Mackerel chap wiped his boots with the "Tribune," and says he:
"I do not see our brother Africa at all."
Here the Confederate turkey, who had finished his worm, turned heavilyfrom the scene, and presently disappeared on the other side of Paris.
The Kentucky chap still kept staring afar off, and says he:
"Why, I can see him, though he appears to be at a great distance."
Now it chanced, my boy, that while the conservative Kentucky chap wassaying this, the Mackerel chap gazed at him fixedly, and then says he,in just astonishment:
"Methinks there is a object on one of the glasses of your spectacles,Capting."
Frantically the Kentucky chap tore off his spectacles, and discoveredupon one of the glasses an object indeed. It was a small picture of anegro minstrel, my boy, cut from the show-bill of some country band,and pasted upon the spectacles of Kentucky's rising son. It had beensecretly placed there the night before by a Democratic chap from theSixth Ward, to give a constitutional turn to the war.
The mind's eye of Conservatism, my boy, looks upon the war throughspectacles so seldom cleaned, that what most offends it, is more thanlikely to be what exists only in its own looking-glasses.
Yours, spectacularly,
ORPHEUS C. KERR.