The Outskirts by T. M. Frazier
Josh rolled her eyes and the Yeti took off his head, revealing a sweaty Miller underneath.
“Damn this thing is hot,” he said, wiping the beads of sweat from his forehead.
“The beer tent just opened,” Josh said to me and Bebe. “I’ll be right back.” She sauntered out of the tent, swaying her hips.
Miller watched her until Bebe cleared her throat.
“Uh, I gotta go do…that…too…” he was still trailing off when he took off after her.
“Those two.” Bebe shook her head. She unpacked a beautiful emerald green sundress with thin straps that tied over the shoulders and a short skirt.
“Here,” she said, tossing it to me. “This will look great with your hair.”
“Oh, no, I couldn’t,” I said, passing her back the dress.
Bebe put her hand on her hip. “It will help me,” she said, continuing to take out clothes from the box and arrange them on the display table. “If anyone asks where you got it, you send them over to see me.”
I grabbed a stack of flyers. “I’ll pass these out too.”
“Now go change,” Bebe said, pointing to Critter’s Bar across the street. “The music is about to start. It’s my favorite part.”
I darted off to Critter’s and changed in the bathroom, storing my tank top and shorts in the back-storage closet for safe keeping. Bebe was right. The green of the sundress made my auburn hair seem more red than brown. It was fitted at the waist and flared out, the hem ending several inches above my knee. It even looked great paired with my brown boots. The top showed off a little cleavage which made me question whether I should put my tank top back on underneath, but I took a deep breath and told that voice to shut it. I wasn’t going to let any doubt stand in the way of me having a good time at my first festival ever in a town I’d fallen head over heels in love with.
“Holy shit,” Finn said, appearing in the mirror behind me wearing jeans and a tight white t-shirt. He wrapped his arms around me from behind and pressed his lips behind my ear. “You look incredible.”
I shivered, as warmth stirred in my stomach.
Speaking of falling in love.
“I think THIS will look perfect with your dress,” Finn said, placing a dainty gold necklace around my neck and clasping it in the back under my hair. But it wasn’t just any necklace. It was my mother’s. The sunflower pendant gleamed.
“You found it!” I exclaimed, turning around to Finn and rubbing it between my fingers.
“This morning,” he said. “I know how upset you were when you lost it. I borrowed Miller’s metal detector and found it under some brush in about an inch of water. I polished it up, figured you’d like it better without an inch of mud caked to it.”
“Thank you,” I said, still not believing that I had it back.
The magnetic energy between us hummed. My lips parted. Finn’s eyes darkened.
“Come on, let’s get you out of here before I keep you from experiencing your very first Swamp Yeti Festival,” Finn said, grabbing me by the hand and leading me outside. The instant he touched me that indescribable connection between us took hold.
“You’re coming to the festival?” I asked, my jaw hanging open. “I didn’t think you wanted to come.”
There were a lot more people starting to arrive; when we got out into the light I could no longer see pavement on the street. Just bodies. Finn stopped and pulled me against him in the middle of the street. He kissed my lips softly and looked deeply into my eyes. “I came for you.”
I smiled up at Finn and stood on my tiptoes to press my own kiss against his lips. “Thank you,” I breathed. I was so wrapped up in Finn that it took me a moment to register the many, many faces of the people around us who’d stopped what they were doing to watch us and whisper to one another.
“Why are they staring at us?” I asked without moving my lips.
“Haven’t you heard?” Finn asked, playfully wagging his eyebrows. “Spotting me is rarer than a sighting of the Swamp Yeti.” He smiled and it was big and genuine and I could look at it forever. My heart fluttered in my chest.
On the stage was a man with a guitar singing a slow song. His voice was deep and melodic. The song was about being carried away.
“George Strait,” Finn said when he saw me watching the musician. He swayed his hips to the music with his arms wrapped around me and I followed.
“I don’t exactly know how to dance,” I admitted.
“Doesn’t feel that way to me,” Finn said, flashing me a wink. He twirled me around and I laughed as he pulled me back into him. “Feels like you’ve got moves you don’t even know about yet.” His eyes darkened. “And for the record, I intend to discover each and every one of them.”
I shuddered.
We stayed there in the middle of the crowd dancing and laughing until a new song came on. The woman was singing about being taken back to church.
“What’s your take on religion now? On God?” Finn asked me.
We weren’t so much dancing anymore as holding one another in the middle of the street while couples danced around us.
“I’m not sure what I believe in,” I answered honestly. “I think that whatever someone chooses to believe in it should be something that makes them feel good. Happy. Something that makes their lives better when they think about it. It shouldn’t be something that makes you afraid. Fear shouldn’t be involved in faith. Being a decent human only because you’re afraid of what will happen to you still makes you a bad person, just a bad one pretending to be a good one. It should like…it should be like this!” I exclaimed when a new song began.
Finn looked up to the stage then back to me. “H.O.L.Y. by Florida Georgia Line,” he said.
“Yes. It should make you feel like this!” I said as the music grew louder. “Music. Dancing. None of that was allowed. But how did I ever live without it?” I closed my eyes.
Finn chuckled softly as we began to sway again. Midway through the song I’d memorized the chorus and was quietly singing along.
When the music stopped I looked up to Finn whose eyes were on mine. His lips were parted. At first, I thought he was frowning, but then he lifted me into his arms and kissed me. Deeply. Passionately.
Lovingly.
He kissed me like we weren’t in front of the entire town and couldn’t hear the whispers of the people all around us.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Sawyer
Finn was standing by the beer tent with Miller while I distributed the rest of Bebe’s flyers to the crowd.
Anytime I looked in his direction I found him talking to either Miller or Josh but staring at me.
I liked that he watched me. I liked that he looked after me. But I still couldn’t shake the uneasiness I’d been feeling about why he was being so protective.
I’d just handed out my last flyer when the band stopped playing and voices without the backing of instruments filtered through the air. I looked up to the stage to see both men and women on either side of the stage standing on bleacher-style risers.
They were smiling and clapping and singing with a passion and power like I’d never heard before.
I watched their entire performance as if I were in a trance. I was frozen. Mesmerized by the power and conviction of their voices. A man about my age with a military style haircut and perfectly pressed khaki pants, sang his heart out about Jesus and a sparrow while the rest of the group sang softly in the background.
I couldn’t help but smile when they started to sway from side to side. The was clapping the only background music while the young man finished out the song on a high note that grabbed the entire town’s attention.
The applause was loud when they were finished and I clapped right along with everyone else.
“Please put your hands together once again for the Christian Town Center Youth Choir!” the MC said into the microphone. More cheering.
The man went on to introduce the next act, and I went to go find Finn. The crowd was even thicker than before. I couldn’t even see the beer tent anymore through all the bodies blocking the way.
I turned only to bump right into another body on the way. “I’m sorry,” I said, looking up to find the young man who was just singing.
“No problem. It’s my fault. I saw you watching the performance. I hope you liked it,” he said. The crowd bumped his back and he stepped forward. We were almost touching.
I glanced around. Still no Finn. “I did. I’ve never heard music like that before. I really enjoyed it. You’re a great singer.”
“Thank you. I’m PJ and I’m the Youth Minister at our church. It’s a couple of counties over but you should come visit us one Sunday. I think you’d like our service.”
I shook my head. “I like the music, but I think I’ll skip on the service for now. Thanks for the invitation though.” I went to push past him but the crowd was blocking me in.
PJ leaned down closer. He was smiling a straight white smile. He placed his hand on my arm and guided me closer, his grip light, but unwelcome. “I saw the way you looked at us. The way you looked at me. I think we could have a lot of fun. Can you sing? Music is a big part of the service and a big part of what we do at Christian Town Center. Every other Sunday we have a different...” PJ kept talking but I’d zoned him out. I wasn’t on high alert, but I wasn’t comfortable either. I just wanted to getaway and get back to Finn.
I looked around PJ for another way out but I couldn’t spot one. I’d just have to push my way through. PJ was still talking. “And then after I can take you to prayer circle where we…”
“I really have to go,” I said, pulling away one last time and trying to push through the crowd when he spun me back around by my waist.
PJ smiled. “But I haven’t told you about the youth program yet. We spread the word of…”
Suddenly the crowd parted like the red sea and Finn appeared, his nostrils flaring.
He ripped PJ’s grip from my waist and shoved him violently to the ground. Finn wrapped an arm around me possessively and guided me through the crowd that stepped out of his way as we moved through it. We walked right by Bebe’s booth where Miller and Josh momentarily stopped their arguing to watch us pass. “Oh shit,” Josh muttered.
“Finn, I’m fine,” I said, but he didn’t seem to be listening.
We were well past the crowd when Finn took out a key and opened the front door to the library which surprised me, but he didn’t give me time to question him when he pulled me inside, shut the door, and pushed me up against it, caging me in with his arms on both sides of my head.
He looked me over the same way he did after Sterling tried to assault me.
“I’m fine,” I assured him yet again. “He was just talking. The crowd made it hard to get away. You didn’t have to do that. He wasn’t trying to hurt me.”
A vein in Finn’s neck still throbbed. “I can’t lose you,” he cupped my face in his hand.
“You’re not going to lose me,” I assured him seeing pain and heartbreak in his eyes, causing my own chest to grow heavy with ache. “But this isn’t really about the singer talking to me or wanting my attention, is it?” I pressed.
Finn looked to the floor. “I just have to protect you because…”
“Then protect me, but you can’t go around shoving everyone to the ground who talks to me,” I explained. “And you have to let me live. I understand your need to protect me but you can’t prevent me from living my life.”
“Trust me, I don’t want to prevent you from living your life. That’s not what this is about.”
“Then what is this about, Finn?” I bent at the knee and ducked under Finn’s arm. I crossed the room and turned to face him. The light through the dusty windows shone on Finn’s face when he turned to face me. He looked tired.
Tormented.
“I don’t want to scare you. I’m sorry about pushing that kid. I know you don’t like violence. I never want to remind you of your father,” Finn grumbled.
The words from my mother’s letter rang through my mind as if she were next to me right there in the library, whispering the words in my ear.
I have learned in my life that there are two kinds of people. The weak and the strong. Those who are truly strong try and lift others to make them feel just as strong. Those who are weak do their best to make others feel as helpless as they do. Surround yourself with the strong.
Fall in love with the strong.
“You could never remind me of my father! He wasn’t just a controlling alcoholic who liked to use his fists more than his words.”
Finn cringed.
“My father was the devil himself, preaching down to me and my mother from a pulpit of lies. You’ve never once made me feel small or embarrassed or afraid of you. You’re absolutely nothing like my father. Not on your very worst day.”
Finn’s shoulders dropped like he was relieved to hear me say those words. But there was more. I felt it filling the space between us.
“This is about Jackie, isn’t it?” I asked.
Finn’s eyes shot up to mine.
“It is,” I confirmed without him saying a word. “You want to save me because you still feel responsible for not being able to save her. Is that it?” I took a step closer, feeling frustrated that he still blamed himself.
Finn peered down at me with a million emotions behind his beautiful blue eyes, each one more heartbreaking than the next.
“I have to protect you.” Was all he managed to say. His eyes darted to an open book on the table. I leaned over and read the chapter heading.
DEPRESSION AND GENES
HOW SUICIDE CAN BE HEREDITARY
AND WHY
I pointed to the book. “Is this what this is all about? You’re afraid I’m going to kill myself like my mother did?” I took a step forward. “Like Jackie did?”
Finn flinched.
“I don’t want to die! If I wanted to die I would have stayed under my father’s roof until he either beat the will to live out of my body or killed me himself. But I came here. Because I want to LIVE.”
Finn looked away, but I stood on my tiptoes and pulled him to face me, pressing my chest against his. “You deserve better than me,” he said, his voice a whisper.
“That’s not true,” I argued, “but even if it was true,” I brushed my lips over his, “I choose you.”
“I just don’t want to lose you. I don’t think…” he paused and cupped my face in both of his hands. “I don’t think I could survive that again.”
We were so close we were breathing each other in. Feeling each other’s anguish. Hurt. Pain.
“I don’t want you mistaking your guilt over what happened to Jackie with whatever this is between us,” I said. “Jackie was important to you, Finn. It’s okay to talk about her. It’s okay to talk about her with me. It’s okay to still love her, but don’t let how you feel about her confuse how you feel about me because I’m not her. Sure, I’ve been hurt, but I’m not depressed. I’m stronger for what I’ve been through. I’m stronger because of you.”
Finn’s hands dropped from my face and skated down my arms.
“I’m not a ghost and I won’t compete with one. It’s not possible.” I pulled away and took a few steps back, needing space to think. To breathe.
“Whatever this is?” Finn asked, too calmly. Too quietly. He came up behind me, spun me around and walked me backward until my butt was against a table and I had no choice but to prop myself up and sit on it so I wouldn’t be crushed against it.
“Whatever this is, makes my heart beat fast and my mind race,” Finn growled. “Whatever this is has me questioning how and why someone like you came into my life. You’re beautiful, Sawyer, inside and out. You shine like the fucking sun. You’re innocent and warm and bright and everything good in this world. You brighten something in my heart that’s been broken and dark for a very long time.” He grabbed me by the waist and pulled me against him. “Do I still feel guilty about Jackie? Yes, I do. But since I met you the
“Damn this thing is hot,” he said, wiping the beads of sweat from his forehead.
“The beer tent just opened,” Josh said to me and Bebe. “I’ll be right back.” She sauntered out of the tent, swaying her hips.
Miller watched her until Bebe cleared her throat.
“Uh, I gotta go do…that…too…” he was still trailing off when he took off after her.
“Those two.” Bebe shook her head. She unpacked a beautiful emerald green sundress with thin straps that tied over the shoulders and a short skirt.
“Here,” she said, tossing it to me. “This will look great with your hair.”
“Oh, no, I couldn’t,” I said, passing her back the dress.
Bebe put her hand on her hip. “It will help me,” she said, continuing to take out clothes from the box and arrange them on the display table. “If anyone asks where you got it, you send them over to see me.”
I grabbed a stack of flyers. “I’ll pass these out too.”
“Now go change,” Bebe said, pointing to Critter’s Bar across the street. “The music is about to start. It’s my favorite part.”
I darted off to Critter’s and changed in the bathroom, storing my tank top and shorts in the back-storage closet for safe keeping. Bebe was right. The green of the sundress made my auburn hair seem more red than brown. It was fitted at the waist and flared out, the hem ending several inches above my knee. It even looked great paired with my brown boots. The top showed off a little cleavage which made me question whether I should put my tank top back on underneath, but I took a deep breath and told that voice to shut it. I wasn’t going to let any doubt stand in the way of me having a good time at my first festival ever in a town I’d fallen head over heels in love with.
“Holy shit,” Finn said, appearing in the mirror behind me wearing jeans and a tight white t-shirt. He wrapped his arms around me from behind and pressed his lips behind my ear. “You look incredible.”
I shivered, as warmth stirred in my stomach.
Speaking of falling in love.
“I think THIS will look perfect with your dress,” Finn said, placing a dainty gold necklace around my neck and clasping it in the back under my hair. But it wasn’t just any necklace. It was my mother’s. The sunflower pendant gleamed.
“You found it!” I exclaimed, turning around to Finn and rubbing it between my fingers.
“This morning,” he said. “I know how upset you were when you lost it. I borrowed Miller’s metal detector and found it under some brush in about an inch of water. I polished it up, figured you’d like it better without an inch of mud caked to it.”
“Thank you,” I said, still not believing that I had it back.
The magnetic energy between us hummed. My lips parted. Finn’s eyes darkened.
“Come on, let’s get you out of here before I keep you from experiencing your very first Swamp Yeti Festival,” Finn said, grabbing me by the hand and leading me outside. The instant he touched me that indescribable connection between us took hold.
“You’re coming to the festival?” I asked, my jaw hanging open. “I didn’t think you wanted to come.”
There were a lot more people starting to arrive; when we got out into the light I could no longer see pavement on the street. Just bodies. Finn stopped and pulled me against him in the middle of the street. He kissed my lips softly and looked deeply into my eyes. “I came for you.”
I smiled up at Finn and stood on my tiptoes to press my own kiss against his lips. “Thank you,” I breathed. I was so wrapped up in Finn that it took me a moment to register the many, many faces of the people around us who’d stopped what they were doing to watch us and whisper to one another.
“Why are they staring at us?” I asked without moving my lips.
“Haven’t you heard?” Finn asked, playfully wagging his eyebrows. “Spotting me is rarer than a sighting of the Swamp Yeti.” He smiled and it was big and genuine and I could look at it forever. My heart fluttered in my chest.
On the stage was a man with a guitar singing a slow song. His voice was deep and melodic. The song was about being carried away.
“George Strait,” Finn said when he saw me watching the musician. He swayed his hips to the music with his arms wrapped around me and I followed.
“I don’t exactly know how to dance,” I admitted.
“Doesn’t feel that way to me,” Finn said, flashing me a wink. He twirled me around and I laughed as he pulled me back into him. “Feels like you’ve got moves you don’t even know about yet.” His eyes darkened. “And for the record, I intend to discover each and every one of them.”
I shuddered.
We stayed there in the middle of the crowd dancing and laughing until a new song came on. The woman was singing about being taken back to church.
“What’s your take on religion now? On God?” Finn asked me.
We weren’t so much dancing anymore as holding one another in the middle of the street while couples danced around us.
“I’m not sure what I believe in,” I answered honestly. “I think that whatever someone chooses to believe in it should be something that makes them feel good. Happy. Something that makes their lives better when they think about it. It shouldn’t be something that makes you afraid. Fear shouldn’t be involved in faith. Being a decent human only because you’re afraid of what will happen to you still makes you a bad person, just a bad one pretending to be a good one. It should like…it should be like this!” I exclaimed when a new song began.
Finn looked up to the stage then back to me. “H.O.L.Y. by Florida Georgia Line,” he said.
“Yes. It should make you feel like this!” I said as the music grew louder. “Music. Dancing. None of that was allowed. But how did I ever live without it?” I closed my eyes.
Finn chuckled softly as we began to sway again. Midway through the song I’d memorized the chorus and was quietly singing along.
When the music stopped I looked up to Finn whose eyes were on mine. His lips were parted. At first, I thought he was frowning, but then he lifted me into his arms and kissed me. Deeply. Passionately.
Lovingly.
He kissed me like we weren’t in front of the entire town and couldn’t hear the whispers of the people all around us.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Sawyer
Finn was standing by the beer tent with Miller while I distributed the rest of Bebe’s flyers to the crowd.
Anytime I looked in his direction I found him talking to either Miller or Josh but staring at me.
I liked that he watched me. I liked that he looked after me. But I still couldn’t shake the uneasiness I’d been feeling about why he was being so protective.
I’d just handed out my last flyer when the band stopped playing and voices without the backing of instruments filtered through the air. I looked up to the stage to see both men and women on either side of the stage standing on bleacher-style risers.
They were smiling and clapping and singing with a passion and power like I’d never heard before.
I watched their entire performance as if I were in a trance. I was frozen. Mesmerized by the power and conviction of their voices. A man about my age with a military style haircut and perfectly pressed khaki pants, sang his heart out about Jesus and a sparrow while the rest of the group sang softly in the background.
I couldn’t help but smile when they started to sway from side to side. The was clapping the only background music while the young man finished out the song on a high note that grabbed the entire town’s attention.
The applause was loud when they were finished and I clapped right along with everyone else.
“Please put your hands together once again for the Christian Town Center Youth Choir!” the MC said into the microphone. More cheering.
The man went on to introduce the next act, and I went to go find Finn. The crowd was even thicker than before. I couldn’t even see the beer tent anymore through all the bodies blocking the way.
I turned only to bump right into another body on the way. “I’m sorry,” I said, looking up to find the young man who was just singing.
“No problem. It’s my fault. I saw you watching the performance. I hope you liked it,” he said. The crowd bumped his back and he stepped forward. We were almost touching.
I glanced around. Still no Finn. “I did. I’ve never heard music like that before. I really enjoyed it. You’re a great singer.”
“Thank you. I’m PJ and I’m the Youth Minister at our church. It’s a couple of counties over but you should come visit us one Sunday. I think you’d like our service.”
I shook my head. “I like the music, but I think I’ll skip on the service for now. Thanks for the invitation though.” I went to push past him but the crowd was blocking me in.
PJ leaned down closer. He was smiling a straight white smile. He placed his hand on my arm and guided me closer, his grip light, but unwelcome. “I saw the way you looked at us. The way you looked at me. I think we could have a lot of fun. Can you sing? Music is a big part of the service and a big part of what we do at Christian Town Center. Every other Sunday we have a different...” PJ kept talking but I’d zoned him out. I wasn’t on high alert, but I wasn’t comfortable either. I just wanted to getaway and get back to Finn.
I looked around PJ for another way out but I couldn’t spot one. I’d just have to push my way through. PJ was still talking. “And then after I can take you to prayer circle where we…”
“I really have to go,” I said, pulling away one last time and trying to push through the crowd when he spun me back around by my waist.
PJ smiled. “But I haven’t told you about the youth program yet. We spread the word of…”
Suddenly the crowd parted like the red sea and Finn appeared, his nostrils flaring.
He ripped PJ’s grip from my waist and shoved him violently to the ground. Finn wrapped an arm around me possessively and guided me through the crowd that stepped out of his way as we moved through it. We walked right by Bebe’s booth where Miller and Josh momentarily stopped their arguing to watch us pass. “Oh shit,” Josh muttered.
“Finn, I’m fine,” I said, but he didn’t seem to be listening.
We were well past the crowd when Finn took out a key and opened the front door to the library which surprised me, but he didn’t give me time to question him when he pulled me inside, shut the door, and pushed me up against it, caging me in with his arms on both sides of my head.
He looked me over the same way he did after Sterling tried to assault me.
“I’m fine,” I assured him yet again. “He was just talking. The crowd made it hard to get away. You didn’t have to do that. He wasn’t trying to hurt me.”
A vein in Finn’s neck still throbbed. “I can’t lose you,” he cupped my face in his hand.
“You’re not going to lose me,” I assured him seeing pain and heartbreak in his eyes, causing my own chest to grow heavy with ache. “But this isn’t really about the singer talking to me or wanting my attention, is it?” I pressed.
Finn looked to the floor. “I just have to protect you because…”
“Then protect me, but you can’t go around shoving everyone to the ground who talks to me,” I explained. “And you have to let me live. I understand your need to protect me but you can’t prevent me from living my life.”
“Trust me, I don’t want to prevent you from living your life. That’s not what this is about.”
“Then what is this about, Finn?” I bent at the knee and ducked under Finn’s arm. I crossed the room and turned to face him. The light through the dusty windows shone on Finn’s face when he turned to face me. He looked tired.
Tormented.
“I don’t want to scare you. I’m sorry about pushing that kid. I know you don’t like violence. I never want to remind you of your father,” Finn grumbled.
The words from my mother’s letter rang through my mind as if she were next to me right there in the library, whispering the words in my ear.
I have learned in my life that there are two kinds of people. The weak and the strong. Those who are truly strong try and lift others to make them feel just as strong. Those who are weak do their best to make others feel as helpless as they do. Surround yourself with the strong.
Fall in love with the strong.
“You could never remind me of my father! He wasn’t just a controlling alcoholic who liked to use his fists more than his words.”
Finn cringed.
“My father was the devil himself, preaching down to me and my mother from a pulpit of lies. You’ve never once made me feel small or embarrassed or afraid of you. You’re absolutely nothing like my father. Not on your very worst day.”
Finn’s shoulders dropped like he was relieved to hear me say those words. But there was more. I felt it filling the space between us.
“This is about Jackie, isn’t it?” I asked.
Finn’s eyes shot up to mine.
“It is,” I confirmed without him saying a word. “You want to save me because you still feel responsible for not being able to save her. Is that it?” I took a step closer, feeling frustrated that he still blamed himself.
Finn peered down at me with a million emotions behind his beautiful blue eyes, each one more heartbreaking than the next.
“I have to protect you.” Was all he managed to say. His eyes darted to an open book on the table. I leaned over and read the chapter heading.
DEPRESSION AND GENES
HOW SUICIDE CAN BE HEREDITARY
AND WHY
I pointed to the book. “Is this what this is all about? You’re afraid I’m going to kill myself like my mother did?” I took a step forward. “Like Jackie did?”
Finn flinched.
“I don’t want to die! If I wanted to die I would have stayed under my father’s roof until he either beat the will to live out of my body or killed me himself. But I came here. Because I want to LIVE.”
Finn looked away, but I stood on my tiptoes and pulled him to face me, pressing my chest against his. “You deserve better than me,” he said, his voice a whisper.
“That’s not true,” I argued, “but even if it was true,” I brushed my lips over his, “I choose you.”
“I just don’t want to lose you. I don’t think…” he paused and cupped my face in both of his hands. “I don’t think I could survive that again.”
We were so close we were breathing each other in. Feeling each other’s anguish. Hurt. Pain.
“I don’t want you mistaking your guilt over what happened to Jackie with whatever this is between us,” I said. “Jackie was important to you, Finn. It’s okay to talk about her. It’s okay to talk about her with me. It’s okay to still love her, but don’t let how you feel about her confuse how you feel about me because I’m not her. Sure, I’ve been hurt, but I’m not depressed. I’m stronger for what I’ve been through. I’m stronger because of you.”
Finn’s hands dropped from my face and skated down my arms.
“I’m not a ghost and I won’t compete with one. It’s not possible.” I pulled away and took a few steps back, needing space to think. To breathe.
“Whatever this is?” Finn asked, too calmly. Too quietly. He came up behind me, spun me around and walked me backward until my butt was against a table and I had no choice but to prop myself up and sit on it so I wouldn’t be crushed against it.
“Whatever this is, makes my heart beat fast and my mind race,” Finn growled. “Whatever this is has me questioning how and why someone like you came into my life. You’re beautiful, Sawyer, inside and out. You shine like the fucking sun. You’re innocent and warm and bright and everything good in this world. You brighten something in my heart that’s been broken and dark for a very long time.” He grabbed me by the waist and pulled me against him. “Do I still feel guilty about Jackie? Yes, I do. But since I met you the