The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl: Squirrel Meets World by Shannon Hale
“Chkka,” he said.
Squirrel Girl skidded to a halt. “You’re okay?” she said.
The dog gave Speedo a soft lick on the back of his head.
Tippy-Toe scampered to Speedo’s side and the two squirrels began chittering faster than Squirrel Girl could completely follow.
“Chkkchtchktuckkckchikkcukcihkuchktchtchkk…”
The squirrel chitters were interrupted by a high-pitched whine, as if a dozen competing public-address systems were turned on at once. It was loud, and everyone, including the dog, tried to cover their ears.
Six cat-size drones twitched from behind the bushes and hummed as they hovered over the Burger-N-Bean building. Each one looked like a crowd of tiny helicopters had crashed into one another from different directions and somehow kept flying. One of the spheres of whirling blades halted, revealing an eyeball-like camera lens inside.
“High! Noon!” All of the eye-copters simultaneously broadcasted the voice of Shady Oaks’ new Super Villain. Squirrel Girl checked her phone. It was, in fact, exactly 12:00, but Ana Sofía’s last text saying “Cow squirrel” was still on the screen, and she stifled a laugh into a snort.
“You’ve probably noticed that the dogs are gone,” the metallic voice continued.
“Chkcht!” Tippy-Toe chittered at the flying eyes.
“I don’t think he can hear you,” Squirrel Girl said. “This guy likes talking way more than listening.”
“And why are they gone?” the voice asked, sounding a bit like a whiny six-year-old Doreen once babysat in California.
“Debbie?” Squirrel Girl asked. “Debbie Pepperton, is that you? Come back to the light, Debbie! You aren’t evil, no matter what your parents say!”
“The dogs are not dead,” the voice continued, oblivious to Squirrel Girl’s pleas. “Not yet. Each mongrel has a little metal device implanted on their backs that—bzzzt—has sent them running, mindless and confused. The devices contain pellets filled with highly concentrated chemicals. Those pellets will explode in exactly six minutes, or earlier if you attempt to destroy them. When they do inevitably explode, the chemicals will mix with the air to create clouds of toxic gas sure to kill any mammals in a thirty-meter radius. Also probably birds and fish. Maybe bugs. The point is, the dogs will be dead. And anyone near them will be dead. Can you stop it? Gotta catch ’em all! HA-HA-HA-HA!”
During the drone speech, Tippy-Toe had climbed to the top of the shuttered Burger-N-Bean building and now leaped toward the nearest eye-copter. She pulled her paws and tail in close and popped right through the spot where the two rotors had stopped. Almost immediately those rotors began to start again, but it was too late. Tippy-Toe was already inside. One by one, helicopter blades began dropping off, severed at the root by squirrel teeth. The drone wobbled, sparked, and—just as Tippy-Toe spun clear—crashed to the ground, exploding.
“I don’t think that was Debbie Pepperton after all,” Squirrel Girl said, leaping to catch another eye-copter. She batted it with her tail, and it crashed to the ground, twitching. She landed on top of the thing boots first, smashing it flat. The sleeve of her hoodie was torn where the blades of the eye-copter had hit.
“We need to find those dogs,” Squirrel Girl said. “And fast.”
“Chk chtta chk,” Tippy-Toe said.
“I think I can pull the little robot ticks off them like you did,” Squirrel Girl said. “Who else do you think has the strength?”
“Chk chuk,” Tippy-Toe said, looking across the group of squirrels that had begun to gather.
“Right! But we’ll need to bury them to stop the poison.”
“Chika-k.”
“Yes! Take the ground squirrels! Perfect. You guys grab, they bury. Squirrel teamwork!” Tippy-Toe started off, but Squirrel Girl yelled after her. “Any dog you can’t get the tick off, herd it back here. I’ll meet you and help out.”
“Chk cha-chuk,” Tippy-Toe said.
“Yes!” Squirrel Girl said. “Like cowboys. Like cow-squirrels!”
Tippy-Toe darted into the trees.
“Speedo?” Squirrel Girl asked.
Speedo Strutfuzz gave her a thumbs-up.
Squirrel Girl jumped to a window ledge of the old Burger-N-Bean building and scanned the neighborhood. The dogs were not trying to hide. They had left a mess in their paths and were barking up a storm. Now all she had to do was catch them before they exploded.95
First she found a brown terrier who’d gotten itself stuck between the bars of a bike rack. She yanked the tick out, quickly dug three feet down into someone’s lawn, shoved in the bug, and covered it back up. She pulled apart the bars, setting the terrier free. It licked her chin in gratitude.
Then she followed the barking to three more dogs, who were chasing one another in someone’s backyard. She tackled them, pulled out the devices, and buried the chemical pellets. The dogs went back to chasing one another, but in a happy way.
Barking led her back in the direction of the Burger-N-Bean. A group of squirrels had corralled a Doberman pinscher on the lot. Kitty Sloughwalker was riding it rodeo-style but spilled from its back before she could remove the device. She landed hard, chittering angrily. The dog came at her, teeth bared.
“Chuk chuk!” Big Daddy Spud called from a mound of earth. He threw a dirt clod at the dog, and the animal shied away from Kitty.
“Get ready!” Squirrel Girl said. She leaped into the lot, grabbing the upset animal and hugging it tight. With her teeth she plucked the buzzing metal machine off the animal’s back. Its sparks of electricity stung her lips and made them vibrate. As soon as she got the bug out, the dog went limp with relief, and she laid it down.
She spit the metal device toward Big Daddy Spud.
Spud caught it in his mouth and began to dig, dirt flying under his quick claws.
Fuzz Fountain Cortez arrived perched on a dog’s head, tugging its ears to steer. Squirrel Girl plucked the little buzzing bomb off Cortez’s mount and tossed it to Puffin Furslide, who buried it.
Tippy-Toe scampered in, reporting that she had taken care of two dogs all by herself.
“Time is almost up!” a distant tinny voice sounded. A couple of eye-copters, just out of reach, floated into view. “Ten…nine…eight…”
Squirrel Girl looked around, tallying reports from the squirrels.
“Is that all of them?” she asked. “I had four, plus Kitty’s here, that’s five. There was Cortez’s…and Nic, Scummers, and Bear Bodkin each got one. With Tippy’s two, that’s…eleven. Twelve counting the first one with Speedo. Were there only twelve?”
“BOOM!” echoed the voice from the speakers in the drones. A muffled pop sounded from beneath the pile of dirt where Big Daddy Spud had buried one of the devices.
“We did it!” Squirrel Girl cheered, pumping a fist into the air.
“Chka,” Tippy-Toe said, not cheering.
Squirrel Girl’s arms dropped. “What?”
“Chka,” Tippy-Toe said, looking off into the neighborhood.
“There were thirteen?” Squirrel Girl said. “Oh no.”
She scampered up to the top of the building again, searching for clouds of gas, listening for screams or coughing, or anything terrible.
Speedo’s black-and-white dog came galloping onto the construction site with Speedo on her back.
“Chk chuk cha,” Speedo said. “Chk.”
“Davey Porkpun?” Squirrel Girl asked. “Where’s Davey?”
Squirrel Girl, Tippy-Toe, and a handful of others followed Speedo and his dog to the playground at the park. In the sandbox was a tired-looking wiener dog, and poking out of the sand was the back half of a squirrel body, tail twitching.
“Davey?” Squirrel Girl asked.
Tippy pulled Davey out by his tail. Davey shook his head wildly, sand falling from his fur. “Mmmm! Mmmm!” he said, not opening his mouth. There was something in it. Something much bigger than an acorn. He tried to burrow back into the sand, but Tippy held his head.<
“Chkka chk,” she said.
Davey’s eyes widened. He looked around and then spit out one of the dog tick-bombs. It sparked, and he threw his body on top of it.
“Let me see, Davey,” Squirrel Girl said.
She plucked the machine out from under Davey’s body. It was slimy with Davey’s saliva, and as she watched, its little red light flickered, dimmed, and went out.
“Huh,” Squirrel Girl said. “I think you broke it.”
“Chka,” Davey said, hanging his head.
“No, that’s good,” Squirrel Girl said. “We want it broken. Your spit probably short-circuited the poison bomb. Score one for stupendous squirrel spit!”
“Chka cht,” Tippy-Toe said.
“Yeah, you’re right,” Squirrel Girl said, tossing the machine to Tippy. “We should still bury it.” She looked at the sandbox where two identical twin girls were sitting, wide-eyed and staring at her and all the squirrels.
“And that, children,” Squirrel Girl said, “is our show for the day. Thank you, thank you.” She bowed, and the little girls started to clap.
“Uh, don’t bury it in the sandbox,” Squirrel Girl whispered to Tippy-Toe as she bowed again. “Just in case.”
TEXT MESSAGES
SQUIRREL GIRL
Hey this is Squirrel Girl you prbly don’t know me but I need some help
STARK
Your name sounds familiar. Did we meet in Moscow?
SQUIRREL GIRL
Wait who is this?
STARK
Tony
SQUIRREL GIRL
???
STARK
Tony Stark96
SQUIRREL GIRL
Whoops my bad I thought I dialed a hero
STARK
Ha ha srsly tho if I didn’t give you my number how did you get it
SQUIRREL GIRL
A squirrel
STARK
Really?
SQUIRREL GIRL
Yeah. She found a cell phone on a nightstand in the avengers mansion and took some numbers off it but most of them I can’t tell whose they are bc she scratched the info into an acorn she was carrying in her cheek
STARK
Yeah I’ve heard acorns aren’t the best data storage medium
SQUIRREL GIRL
I’ll just try the next number sorry to bother u
STARK
Wait maybe I could still help. What do you need?
SQUIRREL GIRL
It’s ok I just had some tactical questions about fighting bad guys. Hero stuff.
STARK
I’ve fought a lot of bad guys I’m pretty smart I might have some ideas
SQUIRREL GIRL
No it’s cool sry to bug u
STARK
We didn’t meet in Dubai? Reno maybe?
* * *
SQUIRREL GIRL
Hi I have a tactical question can you help?
WINTER SOLDIER97
Winter Soldier is go
SQUIRREL GIRL
You’re not Iron Man right? You’re a hero who knows about fighting bad guys?
WINTER SOLDIER
Confirmed I am not Iron Man. How did you get this number?
SQUIRREL GIRL
A squirrel. So I’ve got a situation
WINTER SOLDIER
I’m listening
SQUIRREL GIRL
Some crazy super villain gassed a bunch of dogs and made them chase squirrels and put a zucchini in a hot air balloon and pretended it was a baby so I’d save it and is being generally creepy but the police might not believe me
WINTER SOLDIER
No police
SQUIRREL GIRL
Maybe I’m in over my head? How should I deal with a bad guy?
WINTER SOLDIER
Give me the address
SQUIRREL GIRL
Address?
WINTER SOLDIER
Coordinates. Be exact. Make sure he’s there. Then get out. Erase these messages and dissolve your phone in acid and leave town. Say goodbye to no one. Change your name. Gladys is a good choice or yolanda. I’d recommend something with a y but up to you no judgment either way
SQUIRREL GIRL
Um
WINTER SOLDIER
Don’t stay in any motel longer than one night. Keep moving eat on the go but don’t neglect your greens. Dark greens rich with vitamins like kale or spinach you get it
SQUIRREL GIRL
This is all a little more intense than I was expecting
WINTER SOLDIER
Never contact your family again. That is if you still have one no judgment here.
SQUIRREL GIRL
So
WINTER SOLDIER
Get a new wardrobe. Try a nice purple maybe. Chartreuse and gray isn’t taken. Also you should shave your head and burn off your fingerprints. Maybe learn sumo or leg wrestling. Not my style but might work for yolanda. Or yvette.
SQUIRREL GIRL
I’m just gonna go now
* * *
SQUIRREL GIRL
Mr stark?
STARK
Hey you’re back!
SQUIRREL GIRL
Yeah I got the winter soldier and he wasn’t super helpful
STARK
He told you to change your name to yvonne didn’t he
SQUIRREL GIRL
Yolanda
STARK
Knew it. So tell me the sitch. Is it hydra? Are the chitauri back? Kingpin at it again?
SQUIRREL GIRL
No actually I was just wondering do you have thor’s number my squirrel friend didn’t get that one. She-hulk would be ideal obvs but I bet she’s prolly sooo busy being amazing and I don’t want to bug her
STARK
Or you could just ask one of the smartest people on the planet who also happens to be an avenger and regularly saves the world
SQUIRREL GIRL
Great idea yes pls could u give me bruce banners number
Mr stark?
Tony stark? Iron man?
Hello?
Are you there? Hello? Helloooooooooo
Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
STARK
I’m not giving you Bruce’s number
SQUIRREL GIRL
K thx anyway!
ANA SOFÍA
The cafeteria was blissfully quiet. Ana Sofía was having one of those days and had switched off her hearing aids.
She was so used to reading lips and deducing what people were saying she didn’t always notice that the effort sometimes just wore her out.
Before she moved away, Honey had been Ana Sofía’s best friend. Both Honey and her mom were deaf, and it was with them that Ana Sofía had chiefly signed. Honey’s mother had explained that Ana Sofía had to use more brainpower than hearing people did in order to understand. That could be taxing. And when she felt exhausted, it was okay to take a break.
When Ana Sofía’s father got tired, he got spacey. “Hmm, what?” he’d respond to everything. When Ana Sofía’s mother got tired, she got sleepy, and half the time she fell asleep against Ana Sofía’s shoulder while they watched Super Hero Action TV Live! after dinner. But when Ana Sofía got tired, she got cranky. Like, melt-your-face-off-with-my-glare angry.
If Doreen had been there, she’d try to make her laugh. But Doreen wasn’t at school. After the dog-gassing event, she’d confessed it all to her parents. They had made her stay home, half grounding her and half just plain worried about her.98
Ana Sofía had plenty of work to do on her laptop anyway. Sleuthing, that is. This mystery still had so many unanswered questions.
When the hot-air balloon had gotten loose from the Burger Frog grand opening, Ana Sofía had tried to text Squirrel Girl, only to discover her phone ha
A cell-signal dead zone right in the middle of town? Something must have been causing interference on the radio waves. A mystery! So she’d set to gathering clues.
She’d installed an app on her phone that measured local reception and tagged GPS locations to the data. This past week she’d been running errands all over town. She picked up her dad’s dry cleaning on the south side. She walked to school the long way, around the east edge of the park. She went with her mom to the north side of Shady Oaks to get some paving stones for their garden. She attended her little brother’s dance recital at West Elementary. Always with her phone on, the app running, measuring interference.
Now on her laptop in the cafeteria she plotted the data on a map of Shady Oaks. The new Burger Frog. The lot where they kept the wild dogs. The park with the squirrel traps. The hottest locations of radio interference were all places where MM had been. But the most interference right now was on the north end of town near a bunch of warehouses where nothing had happened.
Where nothing had happened yet.
An alert popped up on her screen. Another Squirrel Girl video! This time of the dogs and the attempted gassing. It’d been shot with several cameras. Clearly Squirrel Girl hadn’t destroyed all the camera micro-bots. The video was edited like a music video with a thumping, heroic sound track. Text flashed across the bottom of the screen.