The Works of Julius St. Clair (Novel Samplers) by Julius St.Clair
An Excerpt From
My Immortal Playlist
(Book #1 of the Siren Collection)
TRACK 1 – Like a Horror Movie
“I never loved another as much as I loved him. Somehow our souls just spoke to each other on a level that no two human beings ever could. Sure, it sounded crazy, but it was no more insane than a small town girl falling for a vampire, or a werewolf, or a ghost, and I had learned through those traumatic relationships to embrace the simpler things in life. And there was no one simpler…than my lover, Frank. A zombie.”
With the voiceover now over, the credits began to roll, and I heard several snickers and sucks of the teeth ring throughout the movie theater. A single round of applause came from the girl sitting to my right, caring little for my embarrassment and instead giving her favorite actress the respect she didn’t necessarily deserve. I sunk further down in my seat and covered my face, hoping no one recognized and associated me with the sadist.
“That may have been Stewart’s best performance yet!” she exclaimed, whipping her head toward me and almost slapping me in the face with one of her golden, curly locks.
“I can’t believe you dragged me to see this,” I groaned, chucking an empty Snickers wrapper to the sticky floor, which coagulated immediately with mounds of popcorn, butter and unknown substances. I swear I saw a donut lying there at the end of the row.
“I can’t wait for the sequel! Just think, when she finally decides to become a zombie…she’ll be the sexiest zombie in Hollywood!”
“Doesn’t it take her six books for that to happen?”
“Yes, but it’s totally worth it.”
“Which book out of the series was this movie?”
“This was the first one.”
I closed my eyes and counted to five. It was better than bugging out on her. I knew I should have gone to the movies alone, but then she called just as I was out the door, and like an idiot, I answered, and then to add more dirt to my coffin, I told her where I was headed. And then she cried and cried that she had no one to watch the latest gag fest with her, and of course, I gave in to the terrorist’s demands. I almost believed that it wouldn’t be so bad. But once the movie started and the eerie, banjo music started blaring over the loudspeaker, I realized I had made a terrible mistake. I mean, who uses a banjo? Name one famous person who plays the banjo.
Seriously.
I’ll wait.
“I should’ve stayed home,” I sighed under my breath.
“You didn’t put up much of a fight,” she said, her blue mascara strangely accenting her vibrant green eyes. What was with this new fad of mixing strange colors together?
“Yeah,” I said. “But that’s only because someone told me this movie was different. It wasn’t what I thought it was going to be at all.”
“Okay, and what were you expecting? A horror movie?”
“Exactly. I mean c’mon, the movie is called Zombie Kisses. How do zombies kiss?”
“Like everyone else.”
“Well, it didn’t look appealing.”
“You’re not supposed to like horror movies anyways,” she huffed.
“And why is that?” I scoffed, sitting up in my seat quickly. Margaret flashed an award winning smile and made her voice all cutesy.
“Because you’re a woman,” she said. “You’re not supposed to like horror movies.”
“Ugh,” I groaned again, closing my eyes and turning around to see our fellow moviegoers leave in frustration and disappointment. I thought I heard one old guy say that he was surprised that Snow White was in love with zombies now instead of Prince Charming. I had to giggle. I loved it when the elderly saw an actress and assumed she was the same character in every movie.
“I’m serious. If we’re ever going to graduate high school and snag a husband, we can’t give off the image that we’re into blood and gore and all of those unattractive things.”
“Not like horror movies…snag a husband…what is this? The 50’s? Seriously, Margaret, you’re being unrealistic. And a little bit of a hypocrite. Do you seriously think that just because this movie is classified as a romance, it means you’re not into the supernatural? Think about it. A girl gets tired of her marriage with a vampire and decides to fall for a zombie! Who, I might add, tries to eat her shoulder when they’re making out! Listen, I don’t care if Malcolm Maximus looked nothing like a zombie. Yes, he was as gorgeous as always, but the concept is still gross and creepy.”
“This is completely different and you know it! There was no gore or violence whatsoever!”
“Yeah, but it’s a girl and a zombie…”
“Which if you ask me, didn’t look so bad.”
Silence filled the theater and I realized that her face was not giving off its usual amused glow.
“You’re serious,” I said.
“Dead serious.”
“Okay, that’s not funny…I think I’m going to be sick.”
“What do you want to me say, Alexandra? I love these types of movies, but I still think it’s improper to engage in viewing gory flicks like that stupid torture one that’s making all the headlines these days.”
“Oh, you mean Screwdriver VIII.”
“Yes. Absolutely disgusting.”
“It’s classic horror. A carpenter teams up with a mechanic on this one. Double the screwdrivers. Double the terror. Double the fun.” I really wasn’t that fond of horror movies, but I was willing to say anything to get under Margaret’s skin.
“Are you like doing a commercial for them or something? You sound way too excited.”
“Um,” a voice interrupted our conversation from below. We looked down to see a pimply faced, red-haired attendant brushing some nachos under a chair in row six. “The movie’s over. I gotta clean up the aisles before the next showing starts.”
“Sorry about that!” I called down as we awkwardly retrieved our purses and jackets in one swoop.
“How was it by the way?” he asked me as I began to pass him. I stuck to my honesty.
“It made me want to become a zombie,” I said, and he raised an eyebrow in surprise.
“You really liked it that much, huh?”
“No, I mean it made me want to die, come back reanimated and feed on the flesh of the Zom-hards that fall in love with this garbage.” He laughed out loud and nearly dropped his broom. I heard Margaret snicker behind me, and I suddenly gained my composure. I knew what she was thinking—that I was flirting with the attendant. And if I dared to show my face in school the next day without the entire student population thinking I had a new love interest, it was best that I cut the conversation short.
“Uh, I have to go,” I said to him before he could say anything else. The attendant must have realized what was going on because he just shrugged his shoulders and turned back to his cleaning. I sighed wearily and followed Margaret out the door. She started loading her mouth with a clip full of questions.
“So…he was cute, wasn’t he?”
“Not really,” I muttered, trying to attempt damage control. “His face was so greasy I could see myself in his forehead.”
“Isn’t that your type?”
“What do you mean?” I asked, trying to drown out my annoyance by taking loud footsteps on the parking lot asphalt.
“Well, you went out with that Elliot kid, and that was after he changed over the summer, I might add.”
“Well,” I muttered, unsure of what to say. I kept my head down in shame as we walked, but then I miraculously remembered that we drove separately. I didn’t actually have to suffer through the whole conversation today. Maybe if I got to my car in time, I could change the subject. Make a comment about how rusty and old it was before Margaret had any follow up questions. But of course, it was Three Dollar Tuesday at the movies, which meant every high schooler with a half-beaten go-kart was in attendance, and my car suddenly blended in like a toenail in a bag of rice…don’t ask.
“He was so dreamy before,” she conti
“You wouldn’t have liked him,” I muttered before I realized what I was saying. I was such an idiot sometimes. Why didn’t I just keep my mouth shut?
“Oh? And why is that? Did you two…”
“Ew. No,” I shuddered, “and I’m surprised a woman of your class would ask such a thing.”
“Some things transcend class.”
“Apparently,” I said, fumbling with my car keys. Why couldn’t it have one of those convenient beepers that let you know where your car was located? I would be spamming it like an elevator button.
“So tell me about you two. I know you went out for at least a month last summer. What was it about him that attracted you?”
“To be honest? He was a little obsessive. Kept hounding me for a date.”
“Oh? Do tell!” Margaret said excitedly as she grabbed my arm and made me face her. I guess the search for the missing rust bucket was at a halt for now.
“All he wanted to do was touch me…or grab me,” I said, smiling like a maniac. “And he liked the taste of my flesh.”
“Okay, that’s enough,” Margaret backed away, wrinkling her face. “Why do you have to put it like that?”
“It’s true though, and it started getting crazier too. He would chase me around the neighborhood, roaring away as he picked at his face, peeling off dead skin like he had just gotten the worst sunburn imaginable, yelling how he wanted to lick my sweat…”
“Stop! Just stop!” Margaret shrieked, stamping her feet to the pavement. “That’s just disgusting! And you know how I can’t stand it when you’re being gross! Just…just see me at lunch tomorrow!”
And with that, my best human friend ran away like I had been infected with a plague. I didn’t get why she was so upset. I thought she liked zombies.
Oh well, people just liked dreaming. They never thought about how unromantic it was in reality. Deep down, they didn’t really want to be a part of that paranormal world…
And I would know.
After all, I was living in it.
My cell phone rang and I picked it up absent-mindedly as I finally recognized my car, shining like a beacon of poverty. Never could tell what the original paint color was. The seats had springs sticking out of it, and the windows were wide open due to an electrical problem, but I didn’t care. No one would steal it. And it didn’t rain. So that meant today was a good day. It was never sexy driving in a wet interior that clung to your body and gave you a lingering wet dog smell. Actually, speaking of things that smelled…
“Hello?” I answered my phone as I got ready to leave, jimmying the keys into the crooked key hole.
“Where are you?” the voice on the other end said.
“I’m at the movie theater,” I sighed, regretting my words as soon as I said it.
“And you didn’t invite me?” I could smell the snobbery from where I stood, even through the cell phone.
“I’m sorry, but we didn’t have extra cash for snacks, and we both know how hungry you can get. I’m sorry if I want Margaret to live through graduation.”
“You act like I’m an animal.”
“You are an animal.”
“If I’m such a monster, then why did you go out with me?”
I didn’t exactly have an answer for that, so I just waited for him to speak again. It irritated him to no end, but it was better than lying.
“Have it your way, Alexandra,” he said. “But could you at least do me a favor? I’m kind of stuck in the back of the old gas station on Parker Street. I’m lying in the grass.”
“What are you doing over there? No one uses that station. The prices are ridiculous, and you can get mugged occasionally.”
“Yes. I know,” he stressed. “But I can’t exactly have people watching me if I have an accident, so I have to go there—where it’s a little more private. Which also happened to work in my favor today because I did have an accident, and I was forced to crawl ten yards on my stomach.”
“Okay. Geez. You sound like my grandfather, telling me how he used to walk ten miles in the snow to school. I know you’re exaggerating.”
“Considering the circumstances, I’d rather be him at this point. His leg probably doesn’t fall off whenever he takes a spill.”
“No, just his hip.”
“Ha. Ha, Alexandra. Can you get me?”
“Sure, just don’t get eaten by vultures in the meantime.”
“That’s not funny. I was actually jumped by a gang of them yesterday.”
I giggled at the thought and quickly disconnected the call so he wouldn’t have a chance to scold me. He was getting crankier by the day and the only way I could deal with it was by humor. It wasn’t funny to him, but how else was I going to cope? Especially since I feared the worst…that someday he would be completely dead, and it was all my fault.
It was a good thing he had his accident at a gas station because my car stopped just as I rolled up to a pump. And I had filled it up right before going to the theater too. There must have been a leak.
Right away I saw Elliot’s car. A brand new, silver, Lincoln navigator. It was pristine and perfect, begging to be awed. He was such a show-off, especially since he came into his money. When he had been hot and popular, the girls would follow him around. At least until they learned that he was as poor as dirt, and he barely had an ounce of ambition in his bones. Not too many liked the idea of being the future breadwinner of the house, so they all eventually moved on. He didn’t care. He was all about quantity over quality. He was a real jerk back when he was hot.
But then the “incident” happened. And he became ugly. And even stranger, a week later he came into a large amount of money. He wasted no time in showering his previous admirers with gifts and tokens of romance, but he was so disgustingly hideous by then, the girls treated him like a sex offender. It was a pretty big mystery in the high school. How this poor but beautiful face could turn into a wealthy but revolting monster.
Of course, I knew the answer.
I was the answer.
And I felt so bad for what I did that I even went out with him for a while.
But in the end, he was more disgusted with my physical features than I was of his attitude, and it didn’t take long before we broke up, but of course, since I was the cause of his predicament, we kept in touch, forming some kind of awkward friendship that I’ll never fully understand. Maybe Margaret was right. There really was something wrong with me.
“ELLIOT!” I yelled out, and then I heard a loud, ghastly moan coming from the small field to my left. I left my car unlocked and ran over to the source. Sure enough, he was lying in the grass on his back, staring up at the sky. The bottom halves of his legs…were completely missing.
“Well, at least it was a clean cut,” I said as I inspected his “injuries.” Elliot refused to look at me as I lay down in the grass beside him. There were quite a few pebbles, cigarettes and twigs underneath so I couldn’t really get comfortable, but I fought through the discomfort. I’m sure Elliot was having a far worse day than I was.
“What happened?” I asked, turning to face his right cheek. My brain reminded me of how putrid he smelled on a regular basis, but surprisingly, nothing came my way. I wondered if I had finally gotten used to it after all these months.
“Parts of my body go numb sometimes,” he muttered, his eyes fixed on the clouds. “I lost feeling in my legs after I was done getting gas, and I thought my whole body was inside the car. So I closed the door…and you can figure out what happened next.”
“Why didn’t you just stay in the car? Instead of crawling all the way over here?”
“And destroy the leather interior?” he exclaimed, facing me for the first time. Sure, he had patches of skin peeling off him. His lips were a bruised blue. His teeth were cracked and missing, and his hair looked like it
But that was when he put in the effort. Some days he got depressed and settled for his current situation. Then he really looked like a zombie. I guess today was one of those days.
“Isn’t your body more important than your stupid car?” I asked as he sighed heavily.
“Well, my looks aren’t getting me anywhere.”
“You’re still handsome to me.”
“And that makes you a freak.”
“Says who? Why do you have to live by someone else’s standards in order to be attractive?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Because the world says so.”
“You’re being a jerk again.”
“It’s who I am.”
“Then why did you call for help?” I snapped back at him. “Jerks don’t tend to need assistance. They think they can handle everything themselves.”
“Well, us princes do need servants to cater to us and respond to our beck and call,” he grinned slyly. I wanted to slap him, but it would do more damage than I intended to his face.
“I would say you’re more like a princess. Cinderella to be exact,” I said as I began mocking him in a butler’s voice. “Doth this leg belong to a lady of the house?”
“Why don’t you walk a mile in my shoes for once?”
“I can’t. You’re not wearing any.”
“Are you done?” he snapped, and I let my chuckle fall down to the level of a whisper. I sat up and took a glance around the parking lot.
“So where are your legs? I didn’t see them by your car.”
“Someone took them,” he muttered.
“Someone took your legs? Who would do something like that?”
“Henry.”
That was the last name I wanted to hear. Anyone but Henry.
“Did you see him take them?”
“Of course I did. He made sure to tell me while he was doing it. Swooped in like he had been stalking me for days, grabbed them and laughed in my face. Said he wanted to talk to you.”
“AND THAT’S WHY I’M HERE?” I yelled, jumping to my feet. Elliot patted my ankles to calm me down.
“Whoa, there. Settle. I didn’t set you up. I could never do that to you.”
“Sorry…it’s just…Henry’s tried to eat me twice already. If it wasn’t for you stepping in the way…he…”
I stopped to rub my eyes as Elliot looked at me endearingly.
“And I would do it again, Alexandra. No matter how much I may…offend you. You do have a special place in my heart.”
I sniffed and rubbed my nose.
“But your heart’s dead.” A smile crept upon my face. Elliot growled and nipped at my feet. I yelped and jumped to the side, laughing heartily at his reaction.
“Almost got you,” he muttered as I tried to stop hyperventilating.
“Well, it’s hard to be scared around you when I know your diet.”
“Yeah. I could never eat common folk,” he said matter-of-factly.
“A dignified zombie,” I mused. “That’s definitely a new one.”
“And hopefully the only. We must take care of this Henry once and for all.”
“I’m not going to kill him.”
“No one said anything about killing. Besides, he’s already dead. No, I’m saying that we dismember him. Ensure that he can’t put himself back together again. Humpty Dumpty style.”
“Were you trying to make a joke?”
“No, I was trying to make a reference that you commoners would understand.”
“Ancient nursery rhymes aren’t in this year, so the line is a little outdated.”
“And so is this conversation. Alexandra, I want to walk again. So listen carefully and we can get this over with. Henry said that the only way you’ll be able to procure my legs is if you agree to a dinner date with him tonight at Angelo’s. You know, the rat infested, self-proclaimed Italian restaurant over by the Day Owl bowling alley.”
“I know the place. What time?”
“Seven.”
“That’s less than an hour from now…but, Elliot. You know I can’t go.”
“If you don’t, I’ll be a cripple for all of eternity. Imagine how that will affect my chances with women. Not just a zombie, but a crippled one at that!”
“You’re so politically correct,” I said, scratching my hair. “I don’t see how this can end well. He hates us.”
“Correction. He hates me for what I did to him. He loves you, despite your involvement. You are in no harm’s way. And to be frank, I don’t think he attacked you to get back at you. I think it was just a misunderstanding. You know how his appetite far exceeds my own. Probably has to do with all those all-you-can-eat places he frequented before he became one of the undead. He has no control.”
“So it’s just a date? That’s all he wants?”
“That’s all. He is to hand over the legs at the end, to which you will promptly come here and reattach them.”
“Okay, first of all…no. I’m not reattaching anything. That’s gross. And second of all, you’re not coming for back-up? What if he gets bitey?”
“Number one, saying the word ‘bitey’ just made you lose ten sexy points, and number two, I would be of no help. What am I going to do? Politely beg him to not eat you as I wither on the ground like a worm after a hurricane? No, thank you.”
“What are sexy points?”
“You’re straying again!” Elliot shouted. “Alexandra, I understand you’re scared. I would be too. His choice of dress is horrendous. But you are a very resourceful girl, and quite smart when you need to be. Even if things get out of hand, I’m sure you’ll be able to escape. Now, this is your choice, but I swear to you—on my Lincoln, and all its technological accessories…if you do not do this, I will no longer be your friend.”
I considered his words carefully.
“But we’re not even friends now,” I stated. He gasped in horror as I reached down and patted him on the forehead.
“Just kidding, El. Don’t worry. I’ll get your legs. But you owe me.”
“Considering I’m a zombie because of you, I don’t owe you a thing. Let’s call this one step closer to settling your debt.”
“Hmph,” I replied, staring at his face. His eyes said it all. He meant every word.
“Fine,” I muttered. “Watch out for insects in the meantime, especially ants. Winter’s just around the corner and they’ll be searching for food to store.”
“Good luck, Alexandra,” he said, ignoring my warning.
I don’t know what I used to see in that guy.