Thin Air by Storm Constantine
‘Then where did you meet him? I don’t know where you were, only where you told me you were.’
‘This is Zeke Michaels, isn’t it,’ she said, standing up. It was clear now. This was how he’d try to hurt her. ‘He’s told you this crap, and it is crap, Gus. There’s nothing going on between Dex and I, not since he walked out of my life years ago.’
‘You expect me to believe that with all that’s happened?’
‘What’s happened? Nothing. Someone’s lying, Gus, but it isn’t me. It’s Michaels. This has all happened because you were stupid enough to tell him where I went last week. It’s him who thinks I met Dex, but I didn’t. They want some tape they think he has, or they think I have. If you hadn’t blabbed to Michaels, he wouldn’t have said this. He’s paranoid.’
Gus’ expression didn’t change. ‘I didn’t tell Michaels where you were, Jay, and he hasn’t said anything to me about you and Dex.’
‘You’re lying now! It has to be him.’
Gus shook his head. ‘No.’
‘Then who?’
‘That doesn’t matter. I believe - that’s all you need to know. I thought we had a good life together, Jay, but I was wrong. It’s been a sham. You never got over that wanker, and you never will. I presume you’re still with me because it’s convenient. He can’t help you maintain your lifestyle any more, can he? Well, you’re going to have to find another dupe, because this one is walking out.’
Jay could only stare at him in stunned disbelief. ‘You can’t be serious, Gus. This is all over nothing.’ It was as if he’d been brain-washed and had become a stranger.
‘I’ve just come to collect some more things, then I’m going.’
‘Where? Where are you staying?’
‘With friends. I’m sorry this has happened, Jay. I’m sorry you’re not the person I believed you to be. We’ve had some good times, but I can’t live a lie.’ He walked away from her into the bedroom.
A red fog of rage suddenly swelled behind Jay’s eyes. She found herself in the doorway of the bedroom, yelling at the top of her voice. ‘You complete and utter bastard! You’re so prepared to believe the worst of me, and it’s all down to assumption. You know nothing. You just want to believe I’m guilty of these outrageous things because it makes you feel better about your stupid jealousy. It justifies your smug, prim judgement of me. God, you’re such a fake, Gus. You come on like some cool rock dude, but deep inside you’re just a conservative bigot who belongs in suburbia. You can get out of my life. I don’t care! I don’t want someone around who’s so patently lacking in support for me, who sides with my enemies.’
He turned round from the wardrobe. ‘Enemies?’ His voice was mocking. ‘You have enemies? I wonder why?’
‘Get out!’ she screamed. ‘Just get your stuff and get out. It’s your loss.’
His refusal to join in the shouting was maddening. His stiff back oozed sanctimony. At that moment, Jay detested him. He was a quarter of the man Dex was, despite everything. She should never have taken another lover. She should have believed, waited, anything. Now Dex thought she had a decent life and he was wrong.
Gus zipped up his bag. ‘I’ll arrange to collect my share of the furniture. Of course, we’ll have to talk about what will happen with the flat.’
‘What? What about my flat?’
‘Well, as I’ve lived here for some time, I have rights. I’ll have to get my own place. So we’ll have to come to some agreement.’
She hated the way he was enjoying this. He’d made her change a lot of the furniture, because he couldn’t bear to sit on a chair where Dex had once sat, or sleep in his bed. Now, he’d take pleasure in dismantling her environment. ‘You can take it all,’ Jay snapped. ‘I’ll clear my life of you. I don’t care. If I have to buy you off, so be it. People have to do it all the time, hand over money to sponging ex-partners. I’m sure my solicitors are used to it.’
‘I haven’t sponged off you. I’ve paid my way. I have entitlements.’
‘Oh, just fuck off.’ She walked away from the bedroom, nearly blind with fury. She couldn’t cry. She wouldn’t let him have that too. Shaking and cold, she went to get herself a drink. She was free now. She could do anything. It didn’t matter.
Gus came out of the bedroom. She could feel him standing behind her, full of righteous indignation. ‘I’ll be in touch,’ he said.
She would not answer, or even turn around. His proximity was repugnant. She wanted him out.
‘Can you look me in the eye and tell me you’ve not met with Dex?’
She raised her head, taking a deep breath. ‘I can’t be bothered.’
He sighed. ‘Thought so. I hope he gives you hell, Jay. You’ve thrown everything away for a lunatic loser. Have fun.’
As soon as he’d closed the door behind him, Jay went to the phone and called Gina. This was something she’d have to share with someone.
Gina seemed stunned by Jay’s rapid outpouring over the line and offered to come round straight away. ‘I’ll pick up some gin,’ she said. ‘Would you like me to stay over?’
‘Yes. Yes.’ Jay felt weak now, drained of energy. She wasn’t sure if she was sad about Gus leaving or just sneakily relieved. She felt excited, certainly, and that must be connected with Dex. Should she confide in Gina about that? The story of Julie’s strange communications with her brother, Zeke Michaels’ threats and Dex’s unexpected reappearance seemed like the concoctions of a deluded mind. Gina prided herself on her down-to-earth nature. Jay could not even guess how she might react to all this information.
While she waited for Gina to arrive, Jay paced around the flat. She’d have to buy Gus off, but that wouldn’t be too much of a problem. She could borrow the money if necessary. It was still unbelievable to her that Gus was so quick to judge her. How could he believe she’d been seeing Dex behind his back? What evidence was there? Still, she had to admit that had the opportunity existed, she might have been able to get away with it. Her job meant that she was often out at night on her own, until the early hours of the morning, and Gus’ work regularly took him away from home, sometimes for weeks at a time.
I wish I had had an affair, Jay thought. Why didn’t I? She sighed. Because I thought I was happy. My life was regular and secure. I had no desire to be unfaithful to Gus.
She flopped down onto the sofa. Only a couple of weeks ago, her existence had been so normal. Now, it seemed she was at the brink of a new stage of her life. Big changes. Perhaps it would be for the better. She’d existed in a cocoon for the last few years, Gus being her shield against the world. She couldn’t believe that Dex had just popped back into her life again, only to leave it again for eternity. He would be back. She’d see him again. She just knew it.
Gina threw her arms around Jay as soon as she opened the door. Her leather jacket was stiff with cold and she brought a spicy aroma of approaching winter into the flat. Bottles clanked together in a carrier bag that banged against Jay’s back.
‘Jay, what the hell’s going on?’ Gina asked, marching into the living room and discarding her jacket and scarf along the way. She sat down on the sofa with the bag between her feet, and pulled out a litre of gin. ‘Glasses, girl. We have some serious drinking to do.’
Jay fetched two tumblers and sat down on the floor. ‘Gina, my life has gone crazy. It’s so crazy, I don’t know where to begin. All I ask is that you have an open mind, and just bear with me.’
Gina raised her brows. ‘You’ve been holding out on me, haven’t you? I knew it. Jay, I’ve known you for years. I could tell there were things on your mind after you got home last week, and you haven’t called me as regularly. Why?’
Jay wriggled her shoulders uncomfortably. ‘I don’t know. I thought about calling you...’
‘And the other night, you just weren’t there with me in the pub, but miles away. Come on,’ she poured gin into the glasses, ‘tell me everything.’
Even as she began her story, Jay was still torn about whether she shou
‘It was vile. I don’t know what they think I’ve got. But someone is spreading lies about me. All this stuff about Dex. It’s mad. Where’s it coming from?’
Gina stuck out her lower lip, looked perplexed. ‘It’s all very weird, I’ll say that. It’s got to be something to do with these tapes of Dex’s.’
‘Obviously, and I think that one of them was in that box Dex hid in Torton. Someone must have discovered it and took the tape.’ She frowned. ‘And yet when I found that box, it looked as if it hadn’t been moved for years.’
‘Oh, the weather can do its work in a few months, Jay. Someone must have taken it. What about this Julie? She sounds a bit odd, to say the least. Maybe she took the tape.’
Jay shook her head. ‘I don’t think so. She seems genuine enough. Why would she want to take it?’
Gina pulled a knowing face, ducked her head. ‘Well, it’s clear to me that she and Dex must be up to something. You don’t really believe that crap about how she’s in some kind of telepathic contact with him, do you?’
Jay looked away from Gina’s gaze. ‘I knew you’d find that hard to swallow.’
‘Jay, come on,’ Gina cajoled. ‘She’s either off her head or lying.’
‘Perhaps. If it’s either of those, I’d go for the former. She doesn’t strike me as a liar. I really warmed to her.’
Gina took a sip of gin. ‘So, I have to ask this, Jay. Is there any truth at all in the rumours? Has Dex been in touch with you?’
Jay felt her face begin to burn, despite her determination to stay cool. ‘Well, this is even weirder. It wasn’t true. Until last night.’
Gina’s eyebrows shot up. ‘You’ve heard from him?’
‘I saw him. At the supermarket down the road.’
Gina laughed. ‘Now that’s a mysterious venue for a meeting! What did he say?’
‘Nothing much. It was a very brief encounter. He warned me though. Implied I might be in trouble - because of him. It is to do with these tapes, I’m sure, but I haven’t got them, and I don’t know where they are.’ She sighed. ‘Dex looked like he’d been living in a hedge - a right state. He’s not well, obviously.’ She rubbed her face with both hands. ‘Everyone thinks I’m in collusion with Dex, and I’m not, but now...’ She stared at her friend through her fingers, ‘I can’t deny having seen him anymore. What the hell am I going to do?’
Gina fished in her bag for her cigarettes. ‘Well, the first thing you need to do is forget all about Sakrilege and their shenanigans, Dex, the lot. You need to sort your personal life out, make the peace with Gus.’
‘I don’t think I want to do that.’
‘Oh, come on! A few weeks ago, you were the ideal couple. You can’t just want to let that slip away.’
‘I’m no longer sure how ideal we were. I think I want to build a new life now.’
‘Because Dex is back on the scene?’
Again, Jay felt herself colour up. Only Gina had this effect on her, made her feel sixteen again. ‘That’s not the reason. Gus is a pompous arse. I overlooked it, because our relationship was safe and convenient, and also, I didn’t really have to see that much of him, if you think about it. I can’t forgive the way he’s spoken to me, nor the fact that he’s so quick to judge and believe the worst. A real lover would ask questions before condemning. Gus never gave me a chance. His mind was made up about me even before he came through the door.’ Apart from that one last chance, Jay thought, when he asked me to look him in the eye. She pushed the memory from her mind. ‘He wants money from me for the flat.’
‘Will you manage?’
‘Yeah. I might have to work a bit harder for a while, but it won’t kill me.’
Gina sighed, shook her head. ‘I can’t believe this, Jay. It’s all happening too quickly. I think you and Gus both need time to think about this. How much have you told him?’
‘Nothing,’ Jay spat. ‘Why should I?’
‘Jay, Jay,’ Gina murmured. ‘Think about what you’re saying. Step back. You can’t just throw away what you had. It’s like you’ve built up an obsession about Dex again, and some part of you thinks you can yank back the past. But you can’t. In my opinion, you should tell the truth to everyone. They’ll have to believe you. Dex broke you apart once. Remember that. Don’t let him do it again.’
‘We don’t know the circumstances,’ Jay said stiffly, feeling as if she was being backed into a corner. ‘Can’t you see my point of view? I’m being tried, convicted and sentenced over nothing. How would you feel if it was you?’
Gina held her gaze for a moment. ‘I can understand the way you feel, but this is just something you’ve inadvertently become involved in. It’s not your problem, and you should fight to make that clear.’
‘How? It’s obvious what Michaels and Gus think of me: I’m a deceiving bitch. Nothing I say will make them change their minds.’
‘You don’t know that, not really.’
Jay disliked the cajoling tone Gina was using. This was her best friend, and she felt as if she was being treated like a fool by her. She should have called someone else. But who? Years ago, Grant Fenton had been her confidant, but even though their friendship had lasted, it was no longer that close. Julie was too far away to just pop round, and their friendship was too new for this. Jay couldn’t think of another single person to whom she’d feel comfortable revealing her private life. She had hundreds of acquaintances but, apart from Gina, no real friends. It was this disgusting business she was in, full of husks who looked like people.
I want to run away. Now.
She sipped her gin, full of a yearning for some kind of freedom she’d never known.
Jay was woken up by the telephone ringing at ten o’clock; she was awake immediately, her nerves alert. Rather than let the answerphone take it, she picked up the extension by the bed. Disappointingly, Zeke Michaels voice oozed down the line. ‘Don’t hang up,’ he said, clearly aware of her feelings for him before he even began to speak. ‘I’m sorry about the other night, Jay.’
‘Sorry? That’s not good enough.’
‘Have you had time to think about what I said? Don’t you think it would be better if...?’
‘OK, you got to my boyfriend somehow, and you’ll no doubt be happy to learn he’s left me. Unfortunately, this means you can’t use him as a lever any more. Goodbye.’ She slammed down the phone.
Gina appeared in the doorway, her hair mussed by sleep, her eyes puffy. ‘Who was that?’
‘Michaels. Bastard!’
‘Did you try to explain?’
‘No.’ Jay swung out of bed. ‘I have some work to deliver today. Better get on with it.’
‘I’ll make coffee,’ said Gina.
Chapter Twelve
Jay drove over the offices of ‘Track’ in the afternoon. Normally, she’d e-mail her work in, but today, she felt like she wanted to see some human faces. She had friends at ‘Track’, didn’t she? She just never bothered to cultivate them. Now was the time. She felt quite optimistic.
‘Track’ was situated on the third floor of a new office block, where the immense reception was dominated by a huge statue of naked men wrestling. Jay uttered a friendly hello to the young woman at the desk, who gave her an identification tag. ‘Go on up,’ said the receptionist, beaming.
‘Yeah! See you.’ Jay felt optimistic and energetic. Today, the world was a better place. She was glad that Gus had finished their relationship.
In the main office, a vast open plan room, intersected by fabric covered boards and specimen plants, Jay homed in on the desk of Lorna Templeton. Lorna was younger than Jay by about ten years; a sleek woman, whose coutured exterior hid a wild strea
Jay dropped her briefcase onto Lorna’s desk. ‘Hi, how’s it going?’
Lorna looked up at her, and for a split second her face seemed closed-in, suspicious. Jay’s instincts were immediately alert. Then Lorna managed a smile and said, ‘Hi, fine. You?’
‘Not too bad. I’m just here to see Grant. Is he in?’
‘Yeah. Think so.’ Lorna looked back at her computer screen, pressed a few keys on the keyboard.
Jay paused before leaving. ‘Fancy a drink later?’
Lorna glanced up again, briefly, and smiled in a tight way. ‘Um... well, can’t really. Sorry.’
It was a dismissal, Jay thought. ‘Oh well, never mind. ‘See you.’
‘Yeah. See you.’
Jay squared her shoulders and walked purposefully down the office. Lorna was busy, that’s all, but her guts were telling her something was amiss. She felt as if all eyes were upon her, that whispers lay on the tongue of every person in the office, and yet they all appeared to be working hard, their heads down. Perhaps they’d heard about Gus already, or the Dex rumours. Gossip was passed round like flu in this business.
Jay breezed into Grant Fenton’s office, a big smile on her face. ‘Hi there!’
‘Jay!’ He looked surprised to see her. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘Thought I’d bring that feature in. Needed to get out of the flat for a while.’ She sat down on a leather chair opposite his desk. ‘You’re putting weight on, Grant. Lucky for you you’ve kept most of your hair.’
Grant frowned, but clearly not at her last comment. ‘What feature is this, Jay?’
‘You know, the Devon Klein one. I interviewed her a few days ago, and I’m actually before deadline, so don’t pretend you don’t know.’
Before he spoke, a stillness came into the room and entered Jay’s body. She knew, as if she had the power of a psychic, that things were very wrong. Control was being taken away from her. Grant actually cleared his throat, his hand before his mouth. ‘Jay, we’ll not be needing that piece now.’