This Mess We''re In by Scarlett Grove
“I know. I’m exhausted. I’m going to bed. Are you going to be alright?”
“I’m going to take a shower and go to bed after. I’ve got another shift in the morning.”
“You don’t have to work so much now. You know that, right?”
“Yeah, but I don’t know if I can keep doing this. I want other stuff for my life, you know?”
“Really? What?”
“Don’t sound so surprised. Just things. Maybe I want to start dancing again.”
“That’s a good idea.”
“Well, if I want to do anything with my life, I need money. Since you’ve started earning so much, I’ve been saving. I might move to the city. I don’t know yet.”
I smiled and then frowned. I wanted her to follow her dreams and to be happy, but the thought of losing her made a lonely pit grow in my stomach. “I think that would be great,” I said, choking back my emotion.
“Don’t get all sad on me now. I’m not leaving yet.”
I went to my room and heard the shower turn on as I stared into the darkness. At least if Zoe moved to the city and got her life on track, one of us would be going somewhere.
When I woke up the next morning, Zoe was already gone. Rose’s cry wailed from the second floor, and I ran to get her. Downstairs, we cuddled in the warmth of my big bed until she started bouncing all over the place.
After breakfast, I showered and checked on my Etsy listings. I had three more orders since yesterday. I made notes about what fabric I needed and the sizes of the dress orders and made a mental note of the inventory I had on hand.
I went to my room and pulled out my stock of fabric. I only had three yards. I needed three yards per dress. I got myself together and put Rose in the backpack to walk to town.
I felt ridiculous trudging along the highway with my daughter on my back. There was barely a shoulder, let alone a sidewalk. Cars whizzed past on the narrow highway. I felt completely embarrassed and a little frightened.
Rose’s weight dug the straps into my shoulders by the time I’d made it the two miles into town. I walked down Main Street and up into the suburban area of town to where Hobby Lobby was located.
I went inside and grabbed a cart, ignoring the strange looks I received. I’d just walked across the parking lot and entered the store covered in sweat with my kid strapped to me. Ethel gave me a half smile as I passed.
“How’s the dressmaking going, Claire?” she asked, in a semi-friendly tone.
“Fantastic! I’m having some car issues, but I have several orders to fill. Can’t leave my clients waiting.” I buzzed by with an airy tone in my voice and grabbed a bolt of white cotton and my other supplies.
Back at the counter, Ethel asked how many yards I needed. I said I wanted the whole bolt when I only really needed nine yards. It was an impulsive decision I instantly regretted, but I was trying to show off by throwing my money around. Look at me. I’m a big pimp. Not that anyone cared. Now I had to carry it home.
Ethel bagged my items, and I lugged them out of the store. It was so freaking heavy I immediately started sweating again. Rose bounced up and down on my back, making it even harder to walk.
By the time I passed the Brier Café, I seriously needed a break. I walked inside and collapsed in a booth, shoving my stuff down the bench. Rose pulled my hair and bounced around, gurgling. I wanted to cry. Pressure pushed down on me so hard I could feel myself cracking. I threw my face into my hands and rested my elbows on the table, trying to calm myself.
When I looked up I saw Zoe trot across the café to my table. She wasn’t carrying water. I needed water.
“Claire, there’s been an accident”
“What?”
“It’s Regan. She crashed the car earlier this morning!”
“Oh my God, is she hurt?”
“No. She’s in jail.”
Zoe slid into the booth across from me and lowered her voice. “She crashed into a tree along the highway south of town and was picked up by the sheriff. He did a swab test for drugs and found narcotics in her system. She’s down at sheriff’s department now. He called our house but no one was there, so he called me here.”
“Perfect, just perfect. What happened to the car?”
“It had to be towed.”
I let out an exasperated growl. This was the last thing I needed. Of course, now Regan needed to be bailed out, we had to find a new car, and get new licenses and new insurance. I was doing okay moneywise, but not for something like this. It would eat up every cent I had and then some. I still needed to replace the roof before the rains came back in the fall. That wouldn’t be cheap.
“Zoe, would you get me some water?”
“Okay.”
“I’m going to drown myself in it.”
“When you put it like that... No.”
“Just get it.”
My body felt like it was made of nerves. Tingling sensations radiated through me, alternating with total numbness. My lungs contracted, and my stomach turned in on itself. I felt like I would suffocate and puke at the same time. Zoe returned with the water and sat it in front of me.
Hot sweat dripped down my temple and Rose cried to be let out of her backpack.
“Just leave her in jail, problem solved.”
“I can’t.”
I chugged the ice-cold water and stood to leave. “Zoe, can you put these things in the back for me,” I said, pointing at my supplies.
“You don’t owe her anything, Claire. She’s fucking up our lives.”
I walked out of the café without answering her. My head was so hot steam might have risen off of me. Zoe was right. I didn’t owe Regan anything. She was a total bitch to me almost every day. She leeched off Zoe and me. She made a mess of our house, stole money, did drugs, and slept around; and now she’d crashed our car and gotten herself put in jail. I couldn’t do it anymore. I felt myself snapping.
It would have saved me the bail money to leave her in jail, but I wanted to strangle her myself. I couldn’t do that if she was behind bars. As I walked over to the sheriff’s department, I fantasized about punching her in the smug little face. It was deeply satisfying and kept me from having a complete meltdown on the boiling hot pavement. Inside the sheriff’s department, a middle-aged female officer sat at the front desk.
“Can I help you, hon?”
“My sister is here. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do.”
“Name?”
“Regan MacKenna.”
“Right. She was brought in on a DUI and driving without a license. She won’t be released on her own recognizance due to prior arrests. Closest bail bondsman is in Ukiah. You can call them.”
“How much?”
“You’ll have to take it up with them.”
“Do you have a phone number?”
She seemed to be getting irritated with me. She started the conversation by calling me “hon” and now seemed to think I was the scum of the earth. I guess having a criminal in the family made you guilty by association. She rifled through her desk and handed me a business card.
I left the police department. When we got back outside in the hot sun, Rose went into a full-on wail. Her cries melted my brain. There was nothing I could do for her until I got home or to the café.
The nagging loyalty I felt for my sister was like the baby’s ringing cries in my ears. It did nothing but hurt my head, but I couldn’t ignore it. I got back to the café, pulled Rose out of her carrier, and let her crawl around on a booth bench.
Zoe walked over looking worried, and handed me another cup of water. I was probably getting a sunburn. Rose’s backpack fortunately had a hood over it, but I knew she was too damn hot.
“Could you get me a turkey sandwich and some fruit?”
“What happened?”
“Not much. They said I had to call a bail bondsman in Ukiah. She gave me a number. She seemed to want to get rid of me so I left.”
“How much?”
“I have no idea.”
Zoe put in my order for the sandwich and went back to her job. A rush of Devil’s Dozen bikers entered the café and took up half the restaurant. The look on their faces made my blood boil. They were so happy with themselves, so content. It took every bit of patience I had in my body to stay seated in the same café as them.
Zoe brought my food and a mobile phone. Eating calmed Rose, but she probably needed her diaper changed.
I took the business card out of my pocket and dialed the number. They answered and asked me a lot of questions about Regan’s case. The officer I’d talked to had written it on the back of the card for me. I waited while the bail bondsman checked the computer for her bail.
“Bail is set at twenty-five hundred dollars. We can set up a payment program for you if you can’t afford the entire amount up front. If you post the entire bail, you will get it back after the trial. If you set up a 10% payment, you don’t get it back.”
“I have to buy a new car.”
“Would you like to set up the payment plan?”
“I guess. What do I do?”
The guy on the phone walked me through the process and took my credit card information. After it was accepted, he told me that I could go pick Regan up.
I regretted posting her bail as soon as I hung up the phone. I didn’t want to pick her up. I didn’t have anything to pick her up in. I took a bite of my sandwich and chewed. I should have let her sweat it out in jail. I picked up Rose and took her to the bathroom to change her diaper.
The room smelled of bubblegum air freshener. There was no changing station in the restaurant, so I had to slide Rose’s pants down and unbutton her onesie while she stood on the sticky tile floor. I slid the clean diaper around her and got her dressed. We washed our hands and I carried her back to the table.
Zoe was sitting at my booth looking out the window. “Did you post it?” she asked.
“Yeah. Now I have to get Regan home somehow. I should have left her. You were right. I have to go get her now. If they let her out on her own, she’ll end up getting in more trouble. What did they say about the car anyway?”
“He said it smashed in the front end, but nothing beyond that.”
“So it might still run?”
“I guess.”
“I’m going to get Regan. Alright? Then I’m going to kill her with my own two hands.”
“Then I’ll have to bail you out of jail.”
I looked at her and smiled. Humor. Good. At least we could laugh about it. Murder, drug addiction, mental illness, these were terribly funny subjects.
“Maybe not,” I murmured.
I paid for my food, shoved a very tired, very cranky Rose back into her backpack, and headed to the police station. When I arrived, the same woman sat at the counter.
“I need to know about the car. It’s registered to me. Is it totaled or what?”
“I don’t know. It’s out back. You can pick it up if you want. I got the bail notice for your sister. You can take her too.”
“Honestly, I’d rather just take the car. But blood is thicker than water, as they say. Maybe that’s a stupid saying. I don’t know.”
“Harris is on duty today. He’ll show you the car and get your sister. Come back up here to finish the paperwork.”
She spoke into the radio on her shoulder and a male voice answered.
“He’ll be out in a minute.”
Harris was a tall, lanky man in his mid-thirties. I followed him through the offices to the parking lot at the back of the building. My car was parked against the chain-link fence. The front end was smashed in. I could see the physical impression of a small tree. Harris handed me the keys, and I turned the ignition.
It rumbled to life, rather sadly. I shut it off and turned to him, shielding my eyes from the sun.
“Can I drive this thing home?”
“We can let you drive it away, but it can’t be back on the road in this condition.”
“Fantastic. I just need to collect my sister.”
He led me to the room where the cells were located. There were only two, and Regan was in the farthest one. I reached the cell and stared at her inside.
She still wore the dirty clothes from the night before. Her hair puffed up in a tangle of kinky red curls, and her eyes looked vacant. If she were a pound puppy, I would have passed.
Harris pushed the key into the lock and turned. He had to go in to get her to respond. Soon, she was on her feet, hugging herself, and walked very slowly out to the car.
I got her and Rose into the death trap and hurried home. Regan hobbled up the front stairs and up to her bedroom. I checked that she was lying in her bed before going back out to the car to drive to town. I ran in with Rose in tow and got back home as fast as I could.
Rose was so tired. It was basically a crime that she was still awake. When I got home Bradly barked at me and twirled around, chasing his tail.
“Go lie down, Bradly,” I admonished.
I took Rose up to her bedroom and put her down for a nap. I trudged downstairs, and went to check the mail to make sure there were no impending threats from utility companies.
Shuffling through the bills, I noticed a hand-addressed letter with a postage mark from Sacramento. My heart thudded and my face went hot. I sat down on the stoop and tore it open.
Dearest Claire,
From the first moment I saw you, you had my heart. Ever since, I’ve tried to be the man you deserve, but I’ve done a terrible job of it.
I never should have lied. I was embarrassed and unsure about the club until just a few weeks ago. They blackmailed me into coming to Leggetville. I didn’t want you to know that.
When I lost the fight, I let it defeat me. I wanted to quit, and I let myself quit. I was weak. I can’t express how sorry I am that I hurt you and pushed you away.
I’m back in Sacramento, training for a rematch. This time, I will be the man you deserve. I will defeat my opponent and make everything right again.
I own my choices. I’ve realized that is all I can do.
I understand if you can’t forgive me. I will always love you. I want nothing but the best for you. Always and forever.
Sincerely,
Damien
Tears rolled down my cheeks. The floodgates were opened and could not be closed again. I didn’t even know why I was crying. I’d thought he’d left me forever, and now I knew he hadn’t. He still loved me. He was still fighting for me and my town. Now I felt undeserving, but the sense that he was back in my life filled me with relief. I staggered inside, covering my mouth to muffle my sobs.
My dressmaking supplies sat on the table. It was only early evening and I had so many dress orders to fill. I sucked the tears down and gathered my things in my arms to take them to my bedroom.
I dropped everything on the floor, took one look at my bed, and collapsed. I knew I slept because I dreamed. I remembered the sound of water running. When I came out of the blackness of sleep, it was dark outside. I had to pee like crazy, so I rolled out of bed and walked to the bathroom.
The door swung open.
Regan floated in pink-tinted water, her lips purple. As if in slow motion, I ran to her and pulled her from the bathtub, winding towels around her slashed wrists. Blood seeped out on the floor. I felt for her pulse with my fingertips. It was there, weak, but it was there.
“Regan, you stupid bitch, why did you do this?” I cried and screamed at her. Getting up from the bathroom floor with watery blood soaked into my jeans, I ran to get the telephone.
“Zoe!” I screamed, hoping she would come downstairs to help me. She didn’t come. I dialed 911, and it seemed to take forever for someone to pick up. “911, what’s your emergency?”
“My sister. She slit her wrists in the bathtub. Please, hurry.”
“Is your sister still breathing?”
“I think so.”
“Someone is on their way now.” She repeated my address to me.
“Stay on the phone with me un
“Yeah,” I was freaking out, but the sound of the operator’s voice kept me from having a total mental breakdown. “She’s passed out.”
“Can you stop the bleeding?”
“I wrapped her in towels.”
I bent down and tried to put pressure on her wrists. She was totally out. There was no spark of life in her half-open eyes. If I hadn’t checked her pulse, I would have thought she was dead. Just to be safe, I checked her pulse again. It was still there.
There was a knock at the door and Bradly yelped. I ran to open it with the phone against my ear. “They’re here,” I told her. She said she was hanging up.
The EMTs followed me to the bathroom. They checked Regan’s vital signs, wrapped her in medical bandages, and put her on a gurney. They wheeled her out to the ambulance.
“Where are you taking her?”
“Ukiah General. You can ride along.”
“My daughter is one.”
“We can’t have a baby in the back.”
“I’ll have to get down there another way.”
They gave me the information for the hospital and drove away. I paced back inside. I felt as if I was living in some kind of fight-or-flight hell. The nerves in my body were so frayed, I felt the stinging pulsation of my heart through my entire body.
With no car, I couldn’t even get down to the hospital. All questions evaporated. I had to get to her. I didn’t want her to be there alone.
Where was Zoe? My mind reeled. I checked the Greyhound website and booked a ticket to Ukiah in an hour. I could make it if I left now. I wrote a note for Zoe and put it on her bedroom door. When I got Rose out of bed, she was anything but happy about being shoved into clothes and a baby backpack in the middle of the night.
With a very cranky baby on my back, I grabbed my purse and a few things for Rose. I left the house, walking into the darkness. Trudging along the highway in the middle of the night was dangerous. Headlights zoomed past, and each time the force of the vehicle’s momentum nearly pushed me into the drainage ditch.
The night air was cool, but Rose’s dead weight on my back made me sweat. I made it to the bus station, which was little more than a buzzing streetlight and a bench.