Tradition Be Damned by Rebecca Royce
She turned to face me. “I even fancied myself different. I would love them. They would love me, and somehow it would all work out. The only problem?” She turned around. “They all left. As their ten years came up, they didn’t suggest I run from here with them to live out our days in private bliss. They didn’t say ‘Marry me, Katrina, let me take you from here.’ Their contracted time came to an end, and they left. Each one. One after another. The men who had brought me to bliss every night in my bed walked away like we had never meant anything to one another. And new ones came, and they left, too. I’ve lost track of one to another. Twos become Ones, Threes becomes Two, and so on. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they have to be let go because they go mad. It doesn’t matter. Not once, not ever, do they take us with them. Because in the end, we are a job for them. Learning that killed something inside of me.”
She came back toward the desk. “The smart Sisters keep their hoods on and don’t forget.”
I could hardly breathe. After the nights I’d been having with my guards and the ways they held me and seemed to care, I had started to feel like we had a real relationship building, like it could be something significant. And yet I did know they were leaving. I’d said as much to Kieran.
“I didn’t know any of this.”
She raised her dark eyebrow. “No, of course you didn’t. When I sent them to you for sex”—I kept my face blank. We hadn’t technically had sex yet. She didn’t, however, need to know—“I assumed you would do what you always do, which is obey the rules. Sister Beth said they were quite skilled in bed. She’d started to fall for them, particularly your One. They had to be moved. She’s guarding herself better now. Do we need to have them moved? Again? Maybe as a group they’re simply too much … or they’re playing some kind of game.”
My heart officially fell into my stomach. Beth had fallen for them, too? I breathed in through my nose. “I don’t need them moved. I’ll be careful.”
“Particularly on that journey you’re taking.” She crooked her finger, and I rose, knowledge of what was about to happen making me want to throw up. “I think you need a reminder of who we are what we do. Pain is part of our life; bearing it is what we do.”
She pulled out her switch. Sister Teresa used a whip, and I preferred it to Sister Katrina’s switch. Katrina didn’t hit; she coated the weapon in a powder meant to burn. We’d called it the magic pain powder when we’d been initiates. When she used it, the already horrible sensations the switch made lasted even longer.
I could have argued with her. I could have tried. In the end, I would be switched. It was better not to make her angrier in the meantime.
She knocked on the wall, and two Sisters—Wendy and Lily—came inside. They had always been Sister Superior’s biggest supporters. I rose to my feet, placing my hands on the desk in front of me, my head down. One of them, I didn’t know which, took down my dress until it fell by my feet.
Katrina came behind me. I closed my eyes and waited for the switch.
When I returned to my rooms, they were empty of my guards. I wasn’t surprised. Every movement I made hurt, even picking up my hands to touch my makeup table. I stared at myself in the mirror. All light had gone from my cheeks. With each slap of the switch on my back, I’d felt the burning of the powder one second later and wondered why the universe had chosen me for this pain. Couldn’t they have given these powers to someone else?
My hood sat on top of the table, but the rest of my things were missing. I must have been packed up to leave when I’d been taking my punishment. I sunk into my chair, although doing so pulled at my sore back. The train ride was going to be really long if I couldn’t get comfortable, even in a sitting position.
Sister Katrina had certainly reminded me who I was. A leaf floating in the wind with no control over anything. While I could be kept from being torn to shreds with someone watching over me, I’d never have any say in what the wind did to me or where I landed next.
Beth had once loved my guards, and it hurt my heart to think about it—even if that was stupid. They’d all be leaving me eventually anyway. I had to figure out how to be happy in my own company. I had to figure out how to be Sister Anne, whomever I turned out to be over time, without ever becoming Sister Katrina. I had to be stronger.
* * *
I walked as normally as I could manage, hooded and miserable, toward my carriage. We’d drive through the night toward the train station and board in the morning. My three ladies adjusted my images without commenting about the beating I’d taken. This was, unfortunately, not the first time they’d had to do makeup over the switch marks. It was a special kind of hell to not cry out. But if they were reporting back to Sister Superior, I wanted her to hear I had been strong.
My guards were lined up as I expected them, except that Five stood in Three’s spot. I stopped in front of One.
“Are we ready to go?”
He nodded. “Yes, Sister. All is ready. Are you … well?”
“I am prepared for what is to come.” I stepped around him and into the carriage. My hood meant I didn’t have to hide my wince when I sat in what was usually a pretty comfortable seat. Today, it felt like nails travelled up and down my spine.
Five sat across from me, and the door shut on our carriage. I wanted to know why they had changed roles, but I didn’t ask. If I was going to put some emotional distance between us, I was going to have to figure out how to control my chattiness.
The carriage lunged forward, and I didn’t cry out in pain. Small victories.
Five leaned forward and took my hood off my head. He grinned before he sat back. “We really love that you’re not wearing that thing anymore when we’re alone.”
I swallowed. Words stalled inside of me. My back burned; my muscles ached. Maybe I could figure out how to be emotionally non-invested later. Five’s smile fell.
“You’re so pale.”
I raised my stiff arm and rubbed my neck. “I know.”
He scooted across the small carriage until he was next to me. He placed a cool hand on my forehead. “You’re hot.”
“Sometimes that happens with the powder the Sister used on me.” I closed my eyes. “Don’t worry. I’ve survived it before. I will this time, too. I need to sit and wait it out.”
Milo—I couldn’t continue to think of him as Five—put his arm around my shoulder, and I groaned. “She hurt you.”
I opened my lids. “I needed to be reminded of who I am.”
“And the beating did that, did it?” Milo’s accent shifted slightly. The last part of his question sounded less polished than the way he usually spoke. More like True, one of the women who painted my back, and less like the fixed Northern accent, his usual lilt. I was making him mad. He’d be so glad when he could get out of this carriage with me.
The weird sister who got beaten and dragged him around the country when he should be spending the next ten years not having to ever go further than a few hours from home.
“It did something. I’m sorry. I can’t talk. I’m burning. I need to be quiet. I’m sorry that you got stuck with me, Milo. I swear the rest of the Sisterhood doesn’t have these kinds of constant upheavals.”
He pressed my head gently onto his shoulder. At first the movement hurt, but it quickly changed. I liked the way it felt to have someone to touch. I closed my eyes.
When I woke up again, my powers were online. Milo jolted slightly next to me, and I looked up at him. A small smile crossed his face. “Your powers are like a wind moving through me. It doesn’t hurt, makes me aware in a different kind of a way. Does that make any sense to you?”
I cleared my throat. “I’ve never heard that the guards could feel the Sisters’ powers, so I’m afraid not.”
“You’re still hot, and we’ve still got several hours until we get to the trains.”
Maybe the fact that the powder hadn’t worn off was why my powers felt like they pounded at me, a thousand needles on my skin. I w
“How badly are you hurt, Anne?”
I didn’t object to the use of my name. We’d established rules. He was still following them.
“I’ll live.”
He kissed the top of my head. “Not good enough.”
Why did Milo have to be so sweet? “I hurt.”
“This is ridiculous. I have to see what I’m dealing with here. I can help you if you tell me what it is, exactly, that was done to you.”
I listened to the clip-clap of the horses and the way the carriage rolled over the ground. “She took a switch to me and added some burning powder to it.”
“Well, then, first things first, we’re taking that powder off.”
He made it sound so simple. “It’s made not to do that.”
“Fuck—oh, I’m sorry, Anne. Bad habit. I shouldn’t curse.”
Actually, I appreciated the sentiment.
Nine
I don’t know why Milo eventually decided to pound on the ceiling and make them stop the carriage. I had lost all sense of anything. My powers were on, my back burned, and I floated … somewhere.
The door opened with a slam, and Bryant shoved himself inside. He and Milo spoke loudly. It hurt my ears. I nestled down into Milo’s shoulder.
“Anne, love, you have to let me go. I’m going to help you. Bryant is here. He’s not going to leave you.”
Bryant sat down on my other side. “I can’t believe you let this go this long. She’s needed help.”
“And now she’s going to get it. There was nothing we could have done before now. Trust me.”
“I do.” Bryant’s tone didn’t speak of happiness, but he didn’t say anymore.
Milo moved slightly. “Movement hurts her. I think her powers are hurting her. She’s super brave. Whenever she’s awake, she tries to be pleasant.” Had I? I didn’t remember doing so. I’d been sleeping pretty much the whole time, as far as I knew. “Hold her head. Gently.”
“Got it.” Bryant slowly moved my head until I was readjusted next to him. Milo ran from the carriage, closing the door behind him.
I was really confused. “Isn’t it nighttime?”
“Sure is. Middle of it.” Bryant’s voice was like a balm; a warm pleasure moved through me hearing it. Even if they were all going to leave and I would never see them again, I needed this now.
He adjusted slightly, until I fell more into the corner of his arm than his shoulder. I snuggled closer. He smelled like the woods and clean air. Riding above, outside the carriage, had given him the scent of the night.
“Who did this to you?” He put his hand on my arm, and when I flinched, he stopped moving it.
“Sister Superior, as is her right.”
He didn’t answer, but his body tensed. “I would protect you from any that would cause you harm.”
“You can’t protect me from her.”
He turned his head slightly. “For the next month or so, you’re nowhere near her.”
“That’s true. Where did Milo go? Aren’t we in the middle of nothing?”
He pointed out the right window. “Can you see the flickering lights in the distance? Don’t strain your body if it hurts. Trust me, they’re there. It’s a town.”
“Nothing is going to be open in the middle of the night, and I don’t know what he thinks to do anyway. I’ve spent a night or two living through this before. There’ll be nowhere to buy anything at this hour.”
He snorted, a sound I wasn’t used to from Bryant. “Oh, I doubt very much he’s going to buy anything. He might leave some money. Or maybe not. He’ll be coming back with whatever he’s got in his mind to get. Whether or not he paid for it.”
His words dawned on me, and I sat up, too fast. The pain stopped me from responding for a second. “Easy there.” Bryant steadied me, and I leaned against the seat.
“He’s going to steal something?”
The leader of my guards nodded once. “Sure. To protect you? Any of us would.”
“Bryant, I know very little about you. The others have been talking to me, not you. Can you tell me about yourself?
His eyes seemed to glitter in the moonlight. “Well, I was born not far from here, actually. Right past Hazeltown. My parents worked in a factory there.”
“Oh, so you’re not from the Deadlands.” That was unusual. Most of the guards were.
“Not initially, no. But after they were both possessed, I was sent there to live in an orphanage. But by the time I got there, that orphanage was gone. A man—a doctor—he took pity on me and, rather than let me starve, let me live in his basement and run errands for him. In exchange, he fed me. I learned a lot. His patients didn’t have a high survival rate. Can’t do much for the body when the soul goes. I’d hear them scream …”
His voice trailed off. Was he reliving those nights in the basement? I touched his arm, and he turned to me, blinking rapidly. “I’m sorry, Anne. I don’t think of that time often.” He entwined his fingers with mine. “Why are your powers on right now? Why are they turning on every night?”
“I wish I knew. Just keeps happening. Right now, they’re really pounding. I could probably kill a midlevel demon without having to stand.”
He nodded. “I hate that it’s happening so much.”
“Oh.” I hadn’t realized they bothered him. “I’m sorry.” I looked out the other window. “I wish I could control it so I could make you all more comfortable.”
“Look at me.” His simple command made me turn my head. “I don’t mind your powers because they bring me discomfort, and even if I did, it wouldn’t matter. I mind your powers because every time you use them, your eyes fade to white a little bit more. I thought we’d have a few years, but they’re going faster because of your nightly surges. I’m going to lose your eyes, and they’ve been in my heart since the moment I met you. All I could see through the holes in your hood. They called to me, told me you were mine. You’d just come out of initiation, and they brought us to you.”
I loved how he remembered it. “I was utterly terrified of all of you.”
“I had no idea. I thought you were lovely.”
That was impossible. “You couldn’t see my face.”
“I didn’t need to. The eyes told me all I needed to know. And they’re leaving me.” He looked away.
I touched his face, and he went still. “They were always going to do this. I don’t even notice the change. I can’t tell you how it makes me feel to hear you speak the way you do.”
“Anne, I can feel you inside of me. What are you doing? Feeding me …”
I didn’t understand what he meant, “I don’t know.”
“They’ve all been bouncing like boys. I thought it was the intimacy, but maybe it’s something else. Something you’re doing, fixing. Stop it. I don’t want you making yourself more ill to take care of me.”
“Bry, I’m not sure what you mean.”
He leaned over and kissed my lips. “I know.”
I let him make love to my mouth. Bryant’s caresses spoke of tenderness, of caring, of how he felt about me. He moaned slightly and adjusted our position so he could hold me tighter. The pain of the movement overwhelmed the moment, and I reared back.
His face fell. “I am so sorry. I hurt you. I wouldn’t for anything. I lost my head … I’m …”
I kissed his nose. “Stop it. You’re not responsible for any of this.”
The door banged open, and Milo rushed back in. “Oh, you two look cozy.” He leaned down and kissed me on the lips. I tensed. It wasn’t that I didn’t want Milo kissing me—I did—but right in front of Bryant? I looked between the two of them, and neither seemed bothered.
Milo went on. “Help me out. We’re going to fix this.” He held up a package in his hand. “Just as I thought; they had it.”
“What is it?”
“Something that’s g
I sat forward and didn’t even object when they started to pull off my clothes. I’d been naked so many times that day; I hardly noticed it anymore. When they looked at my back and arms, they both went silent.
Bryant muttered something, and I could only make out a little bit of it. “Sadistic” and “monster” seemed to be the words he said. One of them touched my back, and suddenly the burning stopped. It felt like a cream, but I wasn’t sure. I didn’t dare turn around to look at what they were doing. It felt too good, and I didn’t want it to stop for anything in the world.
My head fell forward. “This was smart thinking, Milo.”
“On the trains, we used to transport some of the working girls back and forth from locations. They might even be paid to take care of the nobility on the train. Sometimes they got beaten up. I helped when I could.”
I must have fallen asleep just like that. I woke up clothed, if sort of twisted in them, in Milo’s arms. He lay stretched out with his head against the wall, asleep. I sprawled out on top of him. My back was cool and I could readjust without wanting to wail.
My powers were off. In the distance, I heard a train siren. I sat up fast, causing Milo to open his eyes suddenly. He looked around before he focused. “You okay?”
“I heard … a train.”
He rubbed his nose and then dragged me back down into his arms. “That’s what happens at train stations.”
He smelled like cherries. Where had he picked up that scent? “Shouldn’t we be getting on the train?”
“They’ll have to unload it. Will take some time. Then we’ll get on. Keep resting. We’re pretty sure you were brewing an infection. You need to sleep.”
“I’m not tired. I feel pretty okay right now.”
He didn’t answer me; his eyes were already closed. I listened to his heart beat strongly. I was going on a train. I’d never imagined in my whole life that would happen.