When I Break by Kendall Ryan
I wondered if it was related to my sudden presence in Knox’s life. And how I would explain it. “Sure, what’s up?”
“It’s kind of a private… You know what, never mind. It’s stupid.”
Now I was even more curious. “You can ask me anything, Luke.” If they didn’t have regular access to a female in their lives, I wanted to fulfill the role in any way I could.
“Well, I was just wondering. How do you, um, make a girl’s first time special?”
Oh my God. He was not asking me this. How the hell would I know, with my utter lack of experience?
Knox had entered the room after putting Tucker to bed and he glanced over at us briefly, acting disinterested, but I could see the tension in his jaw as he plopped into the armchair and pretended not to listen.
My heartbeat ticked in my throat and I fought to maintain slow, even breaths. When I looked up again, I found Knox’s eyes locked on mine, looking straight into my soul. I met Luke’s gaze again, who was still waiting for an answer.
I gave him a little nod, as if I answered this type of question all the time. “For a girl, her first time is really important. Probably more so than a guy’s.” My voice was a little shaky and I cleared my throat, starting again. “It’s important to make sure she’s really ready and not just going along with it or feeling pressured.”
Luke nodded, hanging on my every word. I didn’t want to encourage him to have sex, but I also didn’t want to counsel him too harshly and pretend this type of stuff didn’t happen. He was a junior in high school, and many boys and girls his age were already sexually active. I couldn’t turn a blind eye to that fact. Just because I wasn’t getting any, didn’t mean that other people weren’t.
“Yeah, I get that,” he said. “It’s just, it’s a lot of pressure on the guy to make it perfect, ya know?”
I smiled at him. It was sweet that he was worried about making it good for the girl. “No one’s first time is perfect. Take your time, make sure you’re both enjoying yourselves, and have fun. That’s the best advice I can give you.” It was the only advice I could give him, considering my own first time was over before it even started. I was a twenty-one-year-old virgin. A fact I wasn’t necessarily proud of. Sometimes I felt like a freak.
“Okay, that makes sense.” The crease in his forehead disappeared.
“Just be yourself, Luke. You’re thoughtful and sweet. Oh, and make sure you have protection. And wear it.”
“Yes, ma’am.” His cheeks reddened slightly. “They give out condoms in health class.”
I nodded. Curious, I wanted to ask him who the special girl was, but I thought more questions might make this conversation awkward and I didn’t want to pry. “You can always ask me anything, I want you to know that.” I smiled at him and patted his knee, all the while mentally cursing myself for implying I’d be around more, when the truth was I had no idea.
“So you know a lot about this sex stuff, huh?”
“Professionally speaking, I suppose so, but I’m not discussing my private life with you.”
Luke’s face broke into a wide smile. “That’s okay, I don’t wanna hear about my brother’s sex life. Nasty.”
“Your brother and I aren’t—”
“I know.” He smiled. “He likes you, I can tell.” His eyes flashed on mine before he hopped up from the couch and retreated down the hallway.
What did that mean? Knox wasn’t sleeping with me because he liked me? His logic seemed backward, but instead of trying to solve the puzzle in my head, I lifted my gaze to meet Knox’s caramel-colored eyes, which was a big mistake.
I suppressed a hot shudder at the intensity I saw reflected back at me.
Knox
Fuck me. Listening to McKenna describe her perfect first time was a special kind of torture. My dick rose to attention, hanging on her every word.
She wanted a lover who took his time, and made sure she was enjoying herself? Sign me up. I’d gladly take the job, right fucking now. I wondered if she had enjoyed her first time. Given the chance, I would make sure she came and called out for more.
Even hotter than imagining myself in McKenna’s little sex fantasy was watching the way she navigated a tough conversation with ease. I could tell she already cared about my brothers, and that did insane things to me. I had no clue whose virginity Luke was planning to take and honestly I didn’t really care as long as he wrapped it up.
But listening to McKenna’s advice, knowing she created a bond—a trust—with him to get him to open up, was pretty fucking cool. These kids didn’t have a female role model in their lives. I was the closest thing they had to a mom or a dad¸ and I often did a shitty job of it. Especially with feelings and emotions. So it made me breathe a little easier knowing that they could rely on McKenna to fill that void. Even if it was just for now.
When Luke took off for his room, her eyes lifted to mine and I was overcome by a tight feeling in my chest as I watched her. Her cheeks were flushed pink and her breathing came in shallow little gasps. She was nervous and I had no idea why.
“I hope that was okay,” she said hesitantly. “What I said to Luke. I don’t want to overstep my bounds.”
I got up from the chair and crossed the room to stand before her. Since it put my groin at her eye level, I was thankful my erection had faded. Even though things were purely platonic between us, there was a certain awareness we seemed to share when in each other’s proximity. It grew stronger each time I saw her, and watching her now, seeing how her body responded when I was near, I couldn’t help but believe she felt the same. We couldn’t keep avoiding this chemistry between us forever.
Looking down at her, I couldn’t stop myself from touching her, so I reached down and stroked my thumb along her cheek. Her skin felt incredibly soft, making me wonder if my skin, in contrast, felt rough and calloused to her.
Finally finding my words, I said, “That was amazing. Thank you for talking to him about that.”
She looked up at me in silent gratitude and nodded once.
Reluctantly, I let my hand fall away and took a much-needed step back, trying to put some distance between the heat of her body and mine. Having her around, in my space, in these close quarters day after day was starting to become a challenge. I wanted her, but it was more than that—I didn’t want to fuck her and move on like I normally did.
This was all uncharted territory for me, and I sensed it was for McKenna too. I needed to proceed with caution if I wanted to have a chance in hell with her. So I took another step back, watching her like she was an unpredictable wild animal I had no clue what to do with.
“What should we do now?” she asked, still looking up at me.
“Help me take down the fort?” I suggested.
I needed to do something to busy my hands before I disappeared into my room to jerk off. The box of tissues beside my bed was getting plenty of action lately.
McKenna’s gaze wandered to the tent that was set up in the middle of the den. “Why is there a tent there?”
I shook my head. “Tucker. Bailee was over today and he thought she’d like it, but anytime he put her in there, she cried.”
“Gotcha. Well, taking one down is easier than setting it up, right?”
“Right. Come on.”
Watching the sway of her ass as she stood and crossed the room did nothing to help clean up my thoughts. I needed to relieve this sexual tension. If not with McKenna, then with someone else. And soon.
We sat side by side, collapsing poles and folding the tent while I thought about what to say to fill the silence that stretched between us. McKenna was concentrating on fitting the tent back into the bag, her tongue pressed into her lower lip as she worked. When she look up and caught me watching, her tongue darted back inside her mouth. I couldn’t help but smirk.
When she looked at me, she didn’t just look at me. She looked straight into me, like she could see into my soul. I liked being seen for the man I was on the inside, not just the fuck-up ev
“Are you going out after this?” she asked, fiddling with the tie on the bag, deliberately avoiding looking at me while she waited for my answer.
“Why? Do you want to be my sponsor? Keep me on the straight and narrow?”
Her eyes met mine. “If that’s what it takes.”
“I wasn’t planning on going out, no.” I hadn’t done that lately, and I intended to try to keep that record going. Actually, I hadn’t done that in a while, despite what I let McKenna believe.
“That’s really good, Knox.”
Time for a new topic. I wasn’t okay sitting here with a beautiful girl calmly discussing my last fuck.
I cleared my throat. “So, what’s your story? Don’t you have someplace you need to be?”
She flinched at my words.
Shit.
“That’s not what I meant,” I said quickly. “I’m sorry.”
She shrugged, then looked away. “I heard what you said to your brothers. That I’m just your counselor. I’m sorry I keep showing up here.”
“You are my counselor, but I shouldn’t have said that.”
She looked down, her confidence fading at my admission. Using two fingers, I lifted her chin. Her gaze slid intimately from my eyes to my mouth, and a warm feeling burned in my chest.
“What’s that look for?” I asked, my voice coming out too thick. Her gaze slipped away from mine until once again my fingers under her chin reminded her not to hide from me. “You’re beautiful,” I whispered.
“Knox,” she murmured, her voice a tiny plea. “I wish we’d met under different circumstances. My being your addiction counselor complicates things.”
“Why can’t I just be a man, and you just be a woman?”
“You’re in recovery. I can’t be a temptation to you.”
I swallowed heavily. Too late for that. My balls were aching with the need to sink inside her.
“We all have certain wants and desires, McKenna. It doesn’t make them wrong. We’re only human.”
Indecision flashed in her eyes and her gaze zeroed in on my mouth. If I had to guess, I’d say she was thinking about what it would be like to kiss me. It seemed that good-girl McKenna had a naughty side to her. Every ounce of her wanted that kiss. I could read it all over her, from her flushed chest to the thrumming pulse in her neck. I’d be willing to bet it had been a long time since a man touched her. Her body’s responses were too obvious, and I could read the want and curiosity all over her.
I leaned forward just slightly, wetting my lips. She swallowed, her eyes tracking the movements. Angling my head to hers, I paused, stopping myself. Why? To prove a point. We were mammals, we reacted to the opposite sex. It was biology. We were born to breed, to reproduce. Men especially—to spread around our seed. Just the fact that I stopped myself proved that I didn’t have a problem. Only I wasn’t sure if I was trying to convince McKenna or myself.
She pulled back, just the slightest bit. “This can’t happen, Knox.”
“Then let me go about things the correct way then. Let me take you out. A proper date.” As soon as I’d blurted it, I had no idea where that came from.
“I can’t,” she whispered, looking down at her hands in her lap.
“Can’t or don’t want to?”
“Isn’t it the same thing?” She looked up and studied me with wide blue eyes.
“No. Can’t means you won’t jeopardize our professional relationship in group, and don’t want to means you’d be lying by saying you don’t feel this pull between us.”
McKenna looked down and sighed. “Knox, don’t do this.”
“I won’t push you. Not tonight. But we will talk about this.”
“I should go,” she murmured.
“Yeah, me too.” I blew out a heavy sigh.
“You’re leaving?” she asked, her voice wavering.
I shrugged.
“Where are you going?” McKenna rose to her feet, concern etching a line between her brows.
“Out,” I said sharply.
“Don’t do something you’ll regret.” She stepped closer and placed her warm palm against my chest.
She could probably feel the steady knock of my heartbeat, the indecision in my posture. But none of that mattered. I couldn’t put myself in a position to get too close to McKenna. I wouldn’t trick her into thinking I was somebody I wasn’t. This was me. Rough around the edges and enough baggage to take down an airliner.
“Let me go, McKenna.” I shrugged away from her touch.
“You know what, Knox?” she bit out, turning to face me. “Don’t bother coming to group this week.”
She left a few moments later and I was too wound up to even offer to drive her home. I felt rejected and angry. I wanted to put my fist through the wall. Instead, I checked to be sure all three boys were safe in their rooms, then shoved on my boots, grabbed my keys and a handful of condoms, and was out the door.
I’d pushed McKenna the slightest bit—just to test the waters—and she’d done exactly what I’d known she’d do. She ran. Left me with a pounding heart and a hot anger burning inside me that needed to be squelched. She might have been good at acting like she cared, but that was all it was. Some do-gooder act to soothe her conscience for whatever it was she’d done to deserve to counsel dickheads like me for a living.
Although I hadn’t been here in weeks, I soon found myself pulling into the parking lot of the strip club, the neon signs bathing the dark interior of my Jeep in light, like a beacon pulling me forward.
I’d put myself out there, tried to go about things the legitimate way, and it had gotten me nowhere. McKenna was different, and I knew I had to do things her way if I wanted to be close to her. I was definitely willing to try.
But she’d turned me down without a second thought. It was always the same thing. Opening yourself up ended in rejection. Period. And tonight I needed a sure thing. The tension inside me evoked by being so near a beautiful woman and unable to do a damn thing about it had left me unsatisfied. I needed relief. At the same time, I knew that in the morning, whatever relief I felt would be marked with regret. But it was too late to turn back.
I entered the club and sank into the shadows, letting the bass-filled music drown out my own thoughts and reservations.
Chapter Eleven
McKenna
Realizing Knox was going out, that he was choosing his addiction over me, caused a stabbing sensation to pierce my chest. All I wanted was the safety and comfort of my own bed right now.
I’d thought we were making progress. He’d invited me in for pizza, included me in their little celebration. The way he’d looked at me tonight when we were all alone told me he did feel something for me. But then just as quickly, his eyes had gone blank and he pulled back, closing himself off once again.
When I arrived home, I shoved my key in the lock and pushed open the door.
Brian rose from the couch, turning to face me, his expression pinched and angry. “Where the hell have you been? I called your cell six times.”
Oops. I’d left my phone at the bottom of my purse all evening. There was no one I’d wanted to talk to when I was with the Bauer brothers. I smiled, remembering the way Tucker had curled himself against my side and Luke had opened up. Tonight had felt like something special. A tiny connection that I hadn’t felt in a long time.
Knowing I was terrible at lying, I took a deep breath, dropped my purse on the counter, and turned to face Brian. “I was over at Knox’s, having dinner.”
His eyes widened and his jaw dropped open. “Are you insane? You went to that—that animal’s house? Alone?” I’d made the mistake of mentioning Knox’s name after Brian had seen me talking to him after group. “Do you have any idea what could have happened—what does happen to girls like you? Watch the evening news more often, because that was stupid and reckless.”
“Girls like me?” My ha
“Yes, girls like you—young, attractive, and sweet. What were you thinking, McKenna? Oh, let me guess, you thought you could get through to him, put him back together?” He huffed out an exasperated breath, like my helping someone was the most absurd thing he’d ever heard. I wanted to point out that I had a degree in counseling, but knew that wouldn’t help my cause.
“We weren’t alone. He lives with his brothers.”
“Oh, that makes me feel so much better.” His voice dripped in sarcasm.
“You’re overreacting, Brian. Everything was fine.” Was. Until the end when something in him snapped and he all but kicked me out.
“God, you’re naive. I know you’re trying to save the world and fix everyone and everything around you, but this is taking it too far. I’ve tolerated your running all over the city, playing Miss Martyr, but this isn’t healthy and you know it.”
He’s tolerated it? My heartbeat kicked up in my chest, my blood pressure jumping up. He didn’t have any right to act this way.
“You could have been hurt,” he said, softer this time.
“Yeah, well I wasn’t.” Not physically, anyway. “Stop acting like an overprotective older brother, Brian. Everything’s under control.” I pushed past him on my way to my room.
“That’s all you see me as, isn’t it?” he asked, his voice dropping an octave lower.
Rather than begin a conversation I so didn’t want to have, I closed my bedroom door and mumbled a good-night in his direction. I was supposed to be getting my life together. Taking this job, moving to the city, all of it was supposed to be my fresh start. My do-over. Instead I felt more confused and alone than ever.
I regretted how I’d handled things with Knox tonight. I drove him away, told him not to come back to group. My feelings were too tangled up to properly be his counselor. I knew I was treating him different from anyone else. For all I knew, they could all be carrying on relations outside of class. I was holding him to a higher standard because I liked him. And I wanted him to like me back.
God, I was pathetic.