When I Was Yours by Samantha Towle
Only, it was never a home. It was just a house I lived in.
It might be a big, beautiful glamorous house that most people would give their right arm to live in, but I hate this house. It reminds me of the loneliness I felt growing up. It was the place where I learned I was never wanted. I was needed for the studio and nothing else.
This house represents the emptiness inside of me, the emptiness that Evie used to fill—before Ava stole that from me, too.
Using the key I have, I let myself in through the main gate.
Millie, my mother’s longtime housekeeper, is waiting at the open door for me.
“Adam, so good to see you. It’s been so long. Your mother never said you were coming. I would have prepared some food for you.” Millie always has the need to feed me. Maybe it was her way of trying to make me feel better while I was growing up, trying to fill the lonely empty void she could see in me.
Maybe she still sees that now.
“She didn’t know I was coming.” I force myself to smile at her.
“Well, she’s out back, on the terrace. I’ll let her know that you’re here.”
“No, it’s fine.” I stop her with my hand. “I’ll surprise her.”
“As you wish.” She smiles. “Can I get you anything to drink? Your mother’s having her afternoon cocktail. You know how she likes them.”
“No, I’m fine, Millie. I won’t be staying for long.”
I walk through the vast empty house. The house that is void of family photos. The only pictures hanging on the walls are of Ava—portraits, photos of her movies, pictures of her with other celebrities.
But none of me—no baby pictures, no school pictures.
No family photos of me, her, and Eric.
But why would there be? We were never a family.
Neither of them ever gave a fuck about me. I was a means to an end for both Ava and Eric.
I step out onto the terrace. Ava is sitting on a chair at the table, sipping on a cocktail. Her cell is in her hand, and she’s reading something on it, like she doesn’t have a care in the world. Maybe she doesn’t.
“Hello, Ava.”
She jumps at the sound of my voice, nearly spilling her cocktail.
“Jesus, Adam. You startled me. What are you doing here?” She shoots me a cool look as she puts her glass and cell down.
I stand for a long moment, just staring at her, trying to understand. I know why she did what she did. I just can’t understand how, how she’s done any of the things she’s done to me.
She might not have beaten or abused me, but she has broken and hurt me over the years. Left me alone as a child. Starved me of love. Tore me down. Had me do her bidding. Take care of things no kid should have to take care of. Had me see things no kid should see.
She might not be an abuser in the physical sense, but she’s an abuser of the heart and mind. Yeah, she’s definitely one of those. A fucking expert at it.
“I know, Ava.”
“You know what?” she snaps. “You’re going to have to be a little more specific than that, Adam.”
And that’s because there are probably so many things that she’s done to me, taken from me, that I don’t know about. Probably never will know about.
But this is the big one, the one that mattered.
The only thing that ever mattered to me, Ava stole from me.
I take the seat on the other side of the table from her, so I can look her directly in the eyes when I say what I have to say.
“I know about Evie and what you did.”
She freezes. And even though I knew it was the truth, seeing her reaction slides that knife in a little deeper.
I don’t love Ava, but she is my mother.
To a small child, a mother is a god. No matter how awful that mother is to the child, no matter the shitty, wretched things she does, the connection that child has to his mother just can’t be severed. It can be broken but never severed.
And that’s where her power lies.
It’s the power that Ava has always had over me.
She has always had the ability to cut me hard, and there is fuck all I can do about it. I can hate her, loathe her, but at the end of the day, buried deep down in there, I’m still that little kid who just wants his mother to love him. And I’m the one who gets cut each time he remembers she doesn’t love him and never has.
I know that. And I’ll live with that.
Because living my life without Ava in it will make things a whole lot easier.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She frowns.
Denial—Ava’s first line of defense. And it’s not because she’s worried about hurting me. It’s because she’s worried about losing something—the part in her latest film…or more, losing the studio.
Everything always comes back to the fucking studio.
I lean forward, putting my arms on the table, linking my fingers together. “I’m not here to play games. Admit it or don’t—I really don’t care. I know the truth because I know you. I should have figured it out years ago. That was my mistake, a mistake I won’t make again.
“Ten years ago, you stole from me the most precious thing in the world. You used the love Evie had for her dying sister to get what you wanted from me. I knew you were evil, Ava. I just didn’t know how evil.
“So, now, I’m here to return the favor, eye for an eye and all that. Your career is over. The film is gone. And all future films with Gunner Entertainment are gone. The studio is gone. I had already planned on giving it to Richard, but being the stupid fuck that I am, I was going to give Richard the studio with the terms that he keep you on with a full-time contract. That’s gone now. And you know, without me, you won’t get a foot in the door there. Or anywhere. Because you’re old and washed up, Ava. And I will personally ensure that you never work in this town again.” I push my chair out, standing.
She still hasn’t said a word. She’s just staring at me, expressionless.
“Taking Evie from me bought you ten more years at the studio. I hope they were worth it. Goodbye, Ava.” I turn and start to walk away.
I hear the scrape of her chair against the ground.
“I will fight you on this, Adam, and you know I’ll win,” she says from behind me. “You can’t just take my studio from me.”
Stopping, I turn back. “I can do whatever the fuck I want because the studio isn’t yours. It never was.”
“It was always mine.”
“Then, you should have done a better fucking job at ensuring that you got your name on the deed!” I yell.
She lets out a shallow laugh and sits back down on her chair, casually tossing her arm around the back of it. “Have your little show, Adam. Stomp your feet. Give your little speech. I’m not worried. You know why? Because you’ll be back. You always come back. And I always get what I want.”
I look at her, releasing a tired breath. “You’re right. I always say I’m going to leave. Always say no to that favor you want. No to that part in a film you desire. No to that problem you need me to sort. But then I always come back. Always do that favor. Always give you that part in the film. Sort that problem for you. But the thing is, Ava”—I take several steps toward her until I’m looming over her—“people have a fucking limit, and I reached mine when I found out that you stole my wife from me! Now, if I can’t make it any clearer that you and I are done, then you can take my extended silence as my answer.”
Then, I walk out of that house with the sounds of her yelling behind me, and I feel truly free for the first time in my life.
I’ve tried not to care, tried to pretend that I’m okay.
I know the truth now, so I can move on.
But thing is…I can’t.
The more I’ve sat and thought about what Ava did, the angrier I’ve gotten. The more I think about Evie keeping the truth from me while climbing into my bed and making me want her again, the more the anger manifesting inside me grows like a fucking tornado, and I feel re
But worst of all, I miss Evie. I miss her more than I did in all those ten years combined. Even now, after all of this, I still love her.
Can you believe it?
I’m seriously fucked in the head.
But then Evie’s absence has always been the hole in my life that I could never fill.
Maybe I deserve this shit because I’m such a stupid fucker.
The bartender has just poured me another drink when the door to Reilly’s opens.
Max slides onto the stool beside me. “Good to see you’re spending your time off work effectively.”
“What are you doing here?” I pick up my glass and take a drink.
“Well, I haven’t heard from you in five days, which is a long time in our world and weird for you ’cause you always have been such a needy bitch when it comes to me. So, I called your office, and Mark told me that you weren’t in today and that you haven’t been in all week, which is odd for you because you never take a day off, not even when you’re sick. You know, I’ve never been able to wrap my head around that because you fucking hate that studio.”
“And your point is?” I take another drink before placing the glass on the bar. I curl my hand around it.
“My point is, the studio is where you hide. You hide in that place, burying your shit in your work. You’re not there, so something is severely wrong. I called your cell.” He points to it on the bar. “And you’re clearly ignoring that, so I stopped by the hotel.”
“You stalking me?”
“Always. You know I can’t get enough of your hot body.”
That almost gets a smile out of me.
“I’m your friend, Adam. I wanted to check on you and make sure you were okay.” Max tells the approaching barman, “Couple of fingers of whiskey and another of whatever this asshat is nursing.” He squints at my glass. “What the fuck is that anyway? Water?”
“Vodka, neat, assface.”
“If you’re looking to get shitfaced, that’s the way to do it.”
That’s exactly what I’m aiming to do, what I’ve been doing these past few days.
I take another sip of vodka, enjoying the burn down my throat. It’s the only thing currently reminding me that I’m still alive.
“I saw Evie.” Max drops the words into the air like a dirty bomb.
My eyes flash to his, and I slam my glass back down on the bar, nearly breaking it.
“You, what?”
“I saw Evie.”
“When?” I grit my teeth so hard that my jaw might shatter.
“When I stopped by the hotel, looking for you, and of course, you weren’t there. So, I went to the coffee shop.”
The barman puts our drinks down on the bar.
“Thanks,” Max says to him. He picks his glass up and takes a sip. “Fuck, that’s good.”
“Evie?” I growl. Jesus, it hurts to even say her name.
He puts the glass down, lifting a brow at me. “By the way, thanks for telling me that you were still married, fuckface. Gotta say, I didn’t see that coming.”
I don’t even have the energy to be sorry for not telling him. “I told you that she was back. You didn’t need to know any more than that.”
Ignoring me, he says, “I’m going to take it that you were severely embarrassed by the fact that you never filed those annulment papers, and that’s why you hid it from me. For future reference, I already know what a loser you are, so you don’t need to hide anything from me. And I’ll also forgive you for not telling me that you were fucking her again because I already figured that one out. You don’t need to be a genius to know that—even though I am a genius. You and Evie never could be in the same room without mauling each other.”
“I don’t want a fucking history lesson,” I say through gritted teeth. “What I want to know is why you were talking to Evie.”
“Because you were in hiding, and she clearly had the answer as to why.”
“And?”
“And we talked. She told me everything, including what happened the other day. She told me why she…left you.”
I look away.
“I’m so sorry, man.” His hand comes down on my shoulder, squeezing before letting go. “Ava hit a new all-time low with that one.”
I drop my head, running my hand into my hair. I don’t want him to see the hurt on my face.
“I knew you had to be in a fucked-up place right now, and as you weren’t at your office or the hotel, I thought I’d check Reilly’s before driving to Malibu. Glad you were here though ’cause I don’t enjoy driving in traffic. But I didn’t want you to be alone. Thought you might need to talk.”
“I don’t need to talk. And I really fucking want to be alone.”
“Yeah, you might think that, but I know you, and you being alone right now isn’t the best idea. You definitely need to talk because I know exactly how you’re spinning this shit in your head. So, let’s talk.” He turns in his seat to face me.
Moving my hand from my head, I flick a look at him. Then, I pick my vodka up and drain the glass. Pushing the glass down the bar, I get the fresh vodka Max ordered for me, and I down that as well. I lift a hand to the barman, signaling for another.
“There’s nothing to talk about, Max,” I say when I realize he’s not going anywhere.
“Sure there isn’t. You find out that your mother fucked you over in the worst possible way, and now, it’s just plain sailing and daisies.”
I ignore him, staring straight ahead.
“Evie’s hurting, Adam, just as badly as you are.”
“I don’t care if she’s hurting,” I snap.
I don’t mean that. It kills me. It’s all killing me.
“She should have told me the truth.” My fingers curl around the empty glass.
“Come on, you’re not being fair.”
“Not being fair? Are you fucking kidding me?”
“Just hear me out.” He holds his hands up. “How could she tell you? If she told you, then she’d lose that chance to save her sister’s life. She was eighteen years old and faced with an impossible choice. If that were me and you needed a treatment that could possibly save your life, I would have chosen you without a second thought. Nothing would have been more important than saving the life of my brother—because that’s what you are to me, Adam. You’re my brother.
“And Casey was just a kid, a kid who was dying. You know how much Evie loves her. She was working her fingers to the bone to help pay for her medical bills. If Casey had died, Evie would have blamed herself. And Ava clearly knew that, and she used it to her advantage. We know the kind of people Ava is. Evie doesn’t. She didn’t stand a chance against Ava. Neither of you did really. The instant Ava decided she wanted Evie gone, there was only ever one outcome, and it was the one that happened The only good thing that came out of Ava’s fucked-up-ness, doing this to you and Evie, was saving that kid’s life.
“You’re laying the blame for this at the feet of two people when it should be only one. Evie was just as innocent as you were in this. You need to stop punishing her. Either forgive and take her back, or let her go once and for all.”
“I have let her go.”
“No, you haven’t.” He shakes his head at me. “You don’t know how to. You haven’t been able to for the last ten years, and you sure as shit can’t now. So, you either stay here and mope like a little bitch, or you go find Evie and talk to her.”
I stare at him, a pain in my chest so severe, it feels like my heart is failing. “I can’t forgive her.” I shake my head. “She should have told me the truth the second she came back. She didn’t. And I can’t forgive her for that.”
“Yeah, she should have. But put yourself in her place. She was a kid when it happened. She’s held on to that shit for ten years. Then, she gets back, and you’re here. She was afraid to lose you again. She might have left, but she lost you as well.”
“That you talking or her?”
“Me.”
I snap because I hear the truth in his words, but I don’t want to accept them.
I want to feel angry. If I don’t have my anger, then I have nothing.
“Stop being a dick, Adam. You know I’m on your side. I’m always on your side. That’s why I’m saying these things. I want you to be happy. And Evie’s your happy.” He finishes his drink and stands.
“You leaving?” I ask in a low voice.
“Yep. Things to do, pussy to see.” He winks.
I watch him walk toward the exit.
My mind races through the words he just said. But I keep looping back to one thing.
Evie’s my happy.
He’s right. I’ve never been happier than when I was with her.
And I’ve spent a really long time being miserable.
I don’t want to be miserable anymore.
“Max?”
He stops opening the door, and looks across at me.
I move my eyes from him, staring straight ahead, unable to look at him while I say, “Evie…is she still at the coffee shop?”
I don’t have to see his face to know the smug bastard is smiling.
“No. She said she was heading home right after I left.” Pause. “You need a ride to her place?”
Swiveling my stool around to face him, I let my feet hit the floor. “Yeah,” I say, finally meeting his smirking eyes. “A ride would be good.”
“Guess my pussy can wait.” He grins. “Come on then, loser. Let’s go get your wife back.”
“So, I’m driving you to Evie’s, but you don’t actually know where she lives.” Max sighs.
“I know which apartment building she lives in, assface. I just don’t know which fucking apartment it is.”
“Well, I guess you could try knocking on every door in her building. Or you could do a John Cusack and stand outside her apartment building with a boom box, playing your song to get her attention. Only problem with that is you don’t have a boom box, so you’d have to play it from your iTunes app on your phone, which isn’t anywhere near as cool, or romantic. And can you even get Bon Jovi on iTunes?” Max grins at me.
“You’re a dick.” I chuckle, shaking my head.