Whore by Willow Aster
At least once a day, he says in some variation: “You’re working too hard. Don’t forget we’re in this together.”
He’s too good for me.
“I’ve never done laundry or cooked for anyone. These simple things I can do for you are a privilege, the way sleeping in your bed is. Except that’s beyond a privilege,” I tell him.
“I want it to feel like less of a privilege and more like your rightful place,” he says. “You make me complete, Lili.”
I turn to face him in bed that night after we make love. We don’t call it that out loud, but I’m getting closer to slipping.
“Sex before you was like peering through a gauzy veil at something I tried not to see. An onlooker watching vile acts between strangers. Someone who resembled me on the outside but couldn’t possibly be me.” I smile. “You’ve shown me the person I’m no longer hiding behind. You’re the one teaching me.” I lean in to kiss him. “Each time is a revelation,” I whisper, kissing him with each word. “A benediction…”
“God, I love you,” he whispers.
He’s said it every day since Zed’s house. I haven’t said it back yet; I’m afraid to put those words out into the universe, afraid to hope that he won’t still be snatched away from me. But I want to hear him say it again and again.
We fall into bed each night saying we’ve just had the best day of our lives. Looking too far ahead is scary. The future is unsettled, so we don’t think about it.
The longer I’m away from my mother and the house, the more I see how destructive all of my previous relationships have been. We don’t hear a word from Nico. The disappearance of Bentley is being speculated about on the news every day, but so far no connection has been made to Maison D’amour or Nico. I’ve managed to keep my mouth shut about it. Call it denial or cowardice, but I’ll do anything to protect this new life.
Next week will be July fourth and two months since we got married. We’ve decided to throw a party to celebrate both. Turns out, the universe has only momentarily shifted on my behalf and I am living a dream.
Soti kisses me goodbye and JT groans. “You’ll see her the minute we get back.”
They have a meeting across town and I’m helping Miss Christine all morning, so we won’t see each other until this afternoon.
“I miss you already.” I stand on my tiptoes to whisper in his ear.
He gives me one more lingering kiss and bops JT on the back of the head when he keeps griping. JT bops him back. I used to worry they’d hurt each other, but now I laugh and back up before they wrestle each other to the ground.
They’re gone maybe twenty minutes when someone knocks on my door. I’m putting my shoes on and don’t get to it right away.
“I know you’re in there, Lilith,” my mom says, pounding. “Let me in.”
My hands start shaking. Zed’s security team is supposed to keep visits like this from happening.
“I don’t want to see you, Alexis. You need to go.”
“I’m not leaving until I’ve seen you, so we may as well get it over with,” she says.
A wave of hatred passes through me, and I don’t try to fight it the way I did growing up. I open the door and she rushes in, already spewing her nonsense.
“There’s a way out of here without anyone seeing you and you need to take it. Tonight, Lilith. It has to be tonight. If you have to break cameras doing it, whatever it takes … I can’t wait any—”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I break her tirade. “You need to get that through your head and leave me alone, Mother.”
The look she gives me feels like a stake in my back.
When she speaks, her voice is low and deliberate. “If you want this community center to keep standing, and all the people in it, you’ll leave. Now. Otherwise, your husband,” she spits the words, “will go up in flames just like Maison D’amour.”
I gasp and she grabs my arm, shoving me toward the bedroom. My phone starts ringing in the other room.
“Figure out a way to make it believable. If you tell anyone you’re leaving, we’ll come and get you out ourselves. But it won’t be as pretty that way, someone will get hurt.” She looks in my eyes and when she sees the fear, she lets go of my arm. “I’m glad you’re listening. You’ve wasted too much time as it is.” She looks around my room with contempt and then sets something on my bed.
I have to hold onto the dresser when I see what it is. “Get that gun out of here! Are you crazy?” Of course, she’s crazy. How have I never fully seen her madness before now?
“I’m leaving it. You might need it to leave.”
“Take the gun. I won’t need it. Or maybe I should just use it on you.” I hate how shaky my words come out.
She shrugs. “Try it and you’ll see I’m right about everything I’ve said. Soti Christos will be ashes.”
“I hate you,” I whisper. I put the gun in her hands and she tucks it away.
Tears blur my vision, and I rub my eyes in time to see her going out the bedroom door. She stops in the hallway.
“Don’t try to stop this, Lilith.” Her voice is like steel.
I shake my head.
The door flies open and Soti rushes in. “Lili, are you okay?” He’s in front of us in seconds, his chest caving in and out from running.
“I’m okay,” I lie. The first of many lies I will tell him today. My heart splits open and cracks with each word that follows. “My mom and I needed to talk. We’re done now.” I even smile, and, in that moment, I hate myself more than I could ever hate her.
“I’m so sorry,” he says. “I tried to warn you.”
I bite my lip until it hurts. “It’s all right. We needed to clear the air a little bit.”
He tries to read my eyes to see if I’m telling him everything, but I look down and squeeze his arm.
“I was just leaving,” Alexis says. “Thanks for seeing me, Lilith.”
“Next time, let me know when you’re coming.” I think I sound convincing. I’ve been out of practice, but she did raise a good liar, after all.
It feels as if hours have passed since everything turned upside down, but in reality, it’s only been minutes. The universe doesn’t shift for anyone.
The rest of the morning passes in a fog. Soti doesn’t leave my side. He wants to know every detail of what happened with Alexis and how she managed to bypass the new security detail. I haven’t fully figured that out myself, only that Alexis has her ways. I should have grilled her more. I gloss over everything, telling him she was only here for a few minutes and wanted to make sure I hadn’t changed my mind about anything. I assure him I’ve taken care of her. We won’t be seeing her again. She knows I’m not going anywhere.
Lie after lie.
He’d been in a meeting with a potential contributor to the locker bags and left without much explanation when Zed called to tell him Alexis was inside the community center. He really needed that account, so after he’s sure we’ve covered everything, I convince him that I’m fine and he makes a few phone calls to reschedule the meeting.
I zombie through the rest of the day, somehow managing to put one foot in front of the other, while my mind somersaults over itself to come up with a way out of leaving. I don’t see another way. If I stay, it only dead-ends to Soti getting hurt. If I leave, he’ll still be hurt, but at least he’ll be safe. I’ll just have to live with the guilt of breaking his heart.
While Soti helps with dinner, I catch Miss Christine before she leaves for the day and give her a book she’d loaned me. I thank her for it and give her a quick hug. She’s surprised at first and then squeezes me tighter. When the dinner crowd has cleared out, I get after the dishes, working next to Miss Jez.
JT walks in and grins expectantly. He grabs a piece of pie. I force a smile and hold up a bigger piece of pie.
“Trade ya,” I tell him.
He gladly takes the bigger piece. “You’re all right, Lili Christos,” he says.
I’ve never hugged JT or even touche
“You are too, JT.”
The lump in my throat grows and I hurry to finish cleaning so I won’t cry in front of them. Miss Jez chats away, used to my quiet. When we’re done, she gives me her usual smile.
“Shoo-wee, my bones is tired,” she says. “I sho do appreciate the help, pretty girl. You have made this old woman’s life a whole lot easier.” She chuckles and leans against the door, watching me.
I busy myself with the mop so she won’t see the misery on my face. “Get some rest, Miss Jez.”
“Will do, honey. Will do. And I asked JT to take care of the bathrooms tonight, so you don’t need to worry ‘bout that, okay? You look like you could use some rest, too.”
“You’re too good to me, Miss Jez. Thank you.” I look at her and try to store away this memory. I want to remember what this warmth in my chest feels like … the feeling of being cared about, tended to.
She shushes me with her hand, unable to take much praise from me.
“Nighty-night,” she says and is gone.
Soti peeks through the door just as I’m finishing mopping. “Ready to go home?” he asks, grinning.
I stare at him and swallow hard. The thought of not seeing him again is crippling. But the thought of him dead is much, much worse. A world without Soti Christos in it would be a heartless place. The unthinkable. Every time I’ve considered telling him everything, I’m reminded of how Maison D’amour burned that night and might never be restored to what it once was. How the lifeless body of Bentley looked lying on that floor. Angel and Lexy. I believe my mother this time. The outcome would be just as she said.
“You okay, love?” His husky voice slides around my heart like warm caramel sauce, covering all the gaping holes.
“Yeah,” I whisper. “Take me home, husband.”
We have sex twice—the first time against the wall in our living room, and the second time in our bed. I take snapshots in my head of every part of his body, every freckle, every shade in his tattoos, every sinew and muscle, every characteristic of his face. For the first time, I admit it: I love him with everything in me.
My brain screams it all the time: “I love you!” But I never say the words out loud. And tonight it’s too late. I want him to know how completely and helplessly in love with him I am, but if I tell him, he’ll come looking for me, and he has to let me go.
When he’s asleep, exhausted from the hours we’ve spent together, I get out of bed and leave the room. Earlier, I placed clothes under the bathroom sink, and now, I hurriedly put them on. I write a quick note on a notepad we keep in a nearby drawer.
Soti,
Thank you for everything. The part I didn’t tell you about my mom’s visit is that all threats are gone. She says the situation has been taken care of and won’t ever come up again. All very mysterious, I know, but she assures me it’s true and I believe her. You should too.
Don’t look for me. This is my decision and it’s final.
I didn’t want to say goodbye, but it’s time for me to go. I will never forget your kindness. Thank you, Soti. You’re the best kind of man.
I’ve decided to go to Paris or Italy and start over, finally free for the first time. It’s because of you that I even have a life and I will always be grateful. I will remember our time together with fondness, always.
All the best,
Lili
I don’t go back to look at him one more time, although everything in me wants to. I set the note on the kitchen counter and walk out carrying nothing but my purse. At the last minute, I turn around to pick up one of the framed pictures of us on our wedding day and put it in my bag.
I walk down the steps and out the back of the community center, not bothering to hide from the surveillance cameras, but waiting to run for the alley until the exact moment the guard outside isn’t looking. I move quickly, unsure how many other guards are watching this late at night. I run a couple of blocks over and the car is sitting exactly where she said it would be.
The door opens as I get closer, and before I can run back to safety, I’m blindfolded and shoved inside the car.
My life with Soti is officially over.
Chapter Sixteen
SOTI
Sting me again, I beg you.
I wake up smiling and reach out for Lili before I even open my eyes. God, last night. Heaven opened up and swallowed us whole. I’ve never experienced anything like it. In those hours, we didn’t utter a single word but said everything. I saw the future in her eyes. My wife … I’m pretty sure she’s falling in love with me. It’s becoming more apparent every day and I’m trying to keep calm, but she makes it really difficult. She shows me in the way she smiles after I kiss her when she thinks I’m not looking, when she tickles her fingers across my skin when she thinks I’ve fallen asleep, when I wake up in the night and she slides on top of me to get as close as she possibly can…
I reach out further and peek open one eye. The covers on her side are rumpled, but she’s not there. Damn. I’ll never get enough of her. I glance at the clock. It’s a little later than I normally wake up, but she usually sleeps for another hour. I need to get her back in this bed.
I get up, expecting to find her in the kitchen, but it’s empty. I rub the scruff on my chin and start the coffee. She must have gotten an early start with Miss Christine. We talked about having a Game of Thrones marathon later. We’re halfway through the series … I need a haircut because she’s started calling me Drogo.
Sometimes after we’ve had a mind-blowing night, she seems shy in the daylight. I don’t blame her—so much has happened in a relatively short amount of time. It’s an exercise in restraint to give enough to make her want more of me, but also hold back enough to not rush her. I think it’s working. I hope it is.
Once I’m pouring a cup of coffee, I turn and look out at the living room. Something’s off—oh, my favorite picture of us is missing. I look around to see where she moved it and when I can’t find it, I step toward the side table to see if it’s fallen. That’s when I notice a note on the countertop.
I’m still in my euphoric state from our night when I start reading, totally unprepared. When I get to “don’t look for me” I crumple the paper into a tiny ball, but seconds later, I’m too desperate to know what else she said to leave it at that.
She sounds like a stranger. She’ll remember our time with fondness always? Ti sto diaolo?! I read it over and over, looking for clues to what she could be trying to say, what could be hidden or coerced, anything to make this not be true. It doesn’t sound anything like her. I read it again, getting snagged each time on one sentence. I wouldn’t believe she’d written the letter, except for this: You’re the best kind of man. She says that to me all the time.
Someone took her. I know it. She was forced to write that note. Taken from me against her will. I believe it with everything in me … until I see her leaving with my own eyes. Zed and I watch the surveillance videos all the way through and then rewind to watch again.
“This is on me, Soti. I’m so sorry. Bill was on the clock last night and says he fell asleep,” Zed mutters. “And Joe and Caleb were outside; both said they didn’t see or hear anything unusual. I fired Bill and will be talking to Joe and Caleb again to see if they’ve gotta go, but it’s on me. With her mother’s visit yesterday, I should have stayed up all night making sure nothing happened.”
I ignore him and watch again. She walks boldly and leaves on her own. At least as far as the cameras were able to record, there is no one forcing her to go. No sign of fear in the way she’s moving. She wanted to leave.
Flashes of the way she looked into my eyes last night as she gave me everything play tricks with my mind. She built my world up like an elaborate sandcastle before the tide came crashing in, only to crumble into a lump of wet sand with a single blow.
She made me believe.
Or maybe that was just goodbye.
After I’ve question
Everything inside me rages against letting her go. I need her to look me in the eye and tell me she doesn’t want to be with me. If she can do that, I’ll have to try to accept it. Even though the thought of living without her feels like annihilation.
I’ve been her drone, the male wasp who has only one purpose for his queen. Now that I’ve fulfilled whatever her mission was for me, I can wither up and die.
THE DOWNFALL
Chapter Seventeen
LILITH
Destiny sometimes fools us into thinking it’s giving us a break.
I first smelled Odin 04 Petrana that weekend at Nico’s house six years ago. He’d douse himself with it after a shower and I’d bury my face in his neck and inhale. He knew I loved it, so he wore it every time we were together. The first time he came to my fourth-floor room smelling different, I felt a prickle of fear. I told myself I was being silly, but he was distant. I thought maybe he’d grown tired of me, or found someone else, but I later found out he’d killed a man that day.