Willful Child: Wrath of Betty by Steven Erikson
“No! Don’t even think it! We just roll with the punches for now, understood?”
“Until we’re as wrecked as the Warbler, got it, sir.”
Hadrian considered for a moment, then sighed. “Precision interdiction, Galk. Take out their weapon ports.”
“Aye sir, now that I can do … mhmmph, just need to wipe down the glass here … so I can see what I’m s’posed to shoot at…”
Hadrian looked around. “Where’s Spark?”
Sin-Dour said, “There was a call from Engineering, sir. Buck DeFrank had strapped himself to the Dark Matter Core Module and was trying to hit the Emergency Eject button using a broom handle. They stopped him, but things got somewhat chaotic down there. Spark volunteered to head down and take charge.”
“I see. Sin-Dour, what’s the Dark Matter Core Module?”
“No idea, sir. I can’t even find it listed in the ship’s propulsion system, or on any ship manifest.”
“So, like,” said Jocelyn Sticks, “moving into position now, sir.”
The first missile drummed against the shield, sending a shudder through the ship. Eden tumbled from his chair and rolled on the floor. Everyone looked at him. Sheepish, the man quickly jumped up and returned to his station.
“Eden! Any response from the Warbler?”
“Oh, I forgot to hit Send! Sorry, sir. Sending now. It’s pinging … pinging … and … no reply! No wait! A reply! Sir, a reply!”
“Visual?”
“Audio and visual, sir!”
“That’s good.”
…
“Eden?”
“Sir?”
“It’s still a consolation round here, despite the scores of missiles pounding us.”
“Really, sir?”
“Yes. Now, can you open communications with the Warbler?”
A smaller window appeared on the main viewer, revealing a smoke-filled bridge with various consoles and stations spitting sparks, wires hanging down and crew members staggering about.
The man seated in the command chair had a terrified Klanglet kitten perched atop his head, its claws sunk deep. Blood trickled down the captain’s forehead from each puncture wound. The look in the man’s eyes was glassy.
“Captain Hans Olo?”
“Hello, Captain Hadrian Sawback,” Olo managed in a strained but even tone. “As you can surmise, we were ambushed, rendered combat incapable, and now our drives are down and life support is failing on various decks. It seems we are at war with the Klang.”
“Well,” said Hadrian, “we don’t want to be that.”
Olo scowled. “But we are! That much should be obvious! An unprovoked attack! Here we were, in Affiliation space, conducting sensor sweeps—”
“Sensor sweeps? And what—or who—were you looking for, Captain?”
The scowl deepened. “That’s, uh, classified. Need to know and all that. You know how it is.”
As he spoke, a Security Adjutant staggered into view. “We were looking for you!” he snapped.
“And now you’ve found me,” Hadrian replied. “Or, rather, we have found you, and it seems you’re in need of some help.”
“Just blast that Klang ship! Hammer them hard until you force their surrender!”
Hadrian hit his comms switch. “Galk, how goes knocking out their weapon ports?”
“Almost done on the present facing, sir, and it looks like the Klang ship will just spin to present us with a fresh flank. But my targeting protocol is now set, so it won’t take long to knock all those out, too.”
“I heard that,” said Olo, “and that’s impossible.”
Hadrian smiled. “Beam weapons.”
“Beam weapons? Ridiculous! Fleet doctrine is projectile-based weaponry. Cannons, kinetics, turreted guns—”
“Yes, but unfortunately, Klang shield systems are pulse wave–based. Intermittent detonations are ineffectual.”
“Captain,” said Beta, “the Klang ship has just released a swarm of fighter-drones, and heartburn is a common complaint among those who ingest battery acid.”
“Galk?”
“On ’em, sir. No problem. Boom, there goes one—and … now they’re scattering and in full retreat.”
On the bridge of the Warbler an officer at the comms station turned and shouted, “Captain! The Klang vessel is hailing us!”
Captain Hans Olo suddenly grinned a hard grin. He made a fist. “And so the bully reveals his cowardice! Onscreen!”
Hadrian leaned forward. “No—wait!”
But the Klang captain was speaking. “I am Captain Betty of the KFC We Surrender, and we surrender!”
“Hans—”
“And we accept your surrender!” Hans Olo replied. “Prepare to be boarded!”
“Oh, oh, oh! We’re preparing! Oh, oh dear! Cripes and wipes, don’t hurt us!”
Hadrian leaned back in his chair. He sighed. “Now you’ve done it, Olo. We’ll remain here, on standby. Hadrian out.”
Eden hit the kill switch and then smiled broadly as Hadrian gave him a nod.
Tammy jumped up alongside Hadrian. “Wait for it.”
“Captain, the Century Warbler is hailing us again.”
“Here we go. On the viewer, please, Jimmy.”
This time, Hans Olo’s grin was somewhat sickly. “Apologies, Captain, but our Insisteon Chamber is presently a wreck, and all shuttle-bay doors have been damaged. As much as it pains me, I cannot make official this surrender. It seems that you will have to displace to the Klang vessel to witness their striking the colors.” He sighed. “The glory is, once again, yours, Captain Hadrian Sawback.”
“I’m not interested in glory,” Hadrian replied.
The Security Adjutant on the screen snorted. “I know your type, Sawback—all that false-modesty crap doesn’t sell. You saw us disabled and you saw your chance to barge in and become the hero. Again.” He waved dismissively. “So go on, grab the flag! We can’t stop you—”
“Not necessarily,” Hadrian cut in. “Sorry, Adjutant, but we’ve not been introduced—”
“Rand Humblenot, Field Agent First Class, rank of Lieutenant Commander. Where is Adjutant Lorrin Tighe? She should be on your bridge.”
“One moment.” Hadrian gestured and Eden hit the Mute button. “Tammy, where is Tighe right now?”
“Sleeping it off in Nina Twice’s bed.”
“Story of my life,” Hadrian muttered. “Eden?”
“We’re on again, sir.”
“Adjutant Humblenot, Lorrin Tighe is presently engaged in negotiations with deadly terrorists from the future who have infiltrated my ship—they have been contained and are holed up in a cargo chamber on Deck Sixteen. They have a hostage, and the Adjutant is negotiating their release.”
“Terrorists from the future?” Humblenot and Olo exchanged confused glances.
“That’s right,” Hadrian said, “An anarchist splinter faction. They call themselves the … the Temporal Inversion Wave Front, or TWIF.”
“It would be TIWF, wouldn’t it?” Humblenot asked.
“Typos plague the future, alas. In any case,” Hadrian said with a smile, “our Adjutant is settling in just fine and is indeed a most valued member of my crew.”
“Despite all her transfer requests,” Humblenot said.
“Not enough excitement, but that seems to have changed of late. Now, I have a solution that will grant you, Captain Olo, all the glory you crave. I will displace you to the Willful Child, and from here we can displace you to the bridge of the Klang ship.”
Olo’s eyes narrowed, as did the Klanglet’s atop his head. “Your reputation belies your generosity, Captain Sawback.”
“I wasn’t aware I had a reputation. No matter. Prepare for displacement.” Hadrian gestured, and the main viewscreen’s image returned to that of the Klang ship. “Now, Eden, hail this Captain Betty.”
“Yes sir.”
A moment later the Klang bridge appeared on the screen. Captain Betty stood in front of his command chai
“Captain Betty, is it? This is Captain Hadrian Sawback of the Willful Child.”
Betty flung a forearm to his brow. “Oh no! The famous Captain Hadrian of the famous Willful Child! I am doomed, destroyed, made abject by the misery of wretched defeat!”
“Captain Hans Olo of the AFS Century Warbler has acknowledged your surrender. Unfortunately, we will have to facilitate his boarding your bridge via our Insisteon—”
“No! No! You must be the one to accept our surrender! Not that Olo oaf! I insist!”
“Too late, you’ve already surrendered.”
“Then I retract my surrender! It was all a ploy! A clever ruse! Now we attack with all our armaments! We will destroy you both! Utterly!” The screen returned to the external shot. Moments later, swarms of fighter-drones erupted from the Klang vessel, speeding toward the Willful Child.
“Galk,” said Hadrian, “knock one out, will you?”
“Acknowledged. Done.”
“Thank you.”
The swarms were in full retreat back to the mothership. Captain Betty reappeared. “Oh! We surrender again! Don’t hurt us!”
“I refuse your surrender,” Hadrian said.
“You what? Fine!” Betty turned to the other male on the bridge. “Commander Molly, launch the Attack Drones!”
The screen switched to reveal the swarms reversing course.
“Galk.”
“Got it.”
A single drone flared to a beam strike.
Betty reappeared. “We surrender!”
“Look, Betty, we’re not doing this.”
“Yes we are! We have 18,903 attack drones! Either you accept our surrender, or we will remain here indefinitely!”
“Well,” amended Commander Molly, “at least until all eighteen thousand—”
“Shut up!” snapped Betty.
“Captain,” cut in Eden. “Olo says he’s ready for displacement.”
“Right. Displace him here to our bridge. Captain Betty!”
“What?”
“Captain Hans Olo will be on his way to you in a moment.”
“No!”
“Yes.”
“Molly! Launch the attack drones!”
“Cut it out, Betty!”
The Klang captain pointed a taloned finger. “You will accept our surrender! You, Captain Hadrian Alan Sawback!” Beside Betty, Molly squinted at Hadrian and said, “Funny, he doesn’t look like his picture at all.”
“Eden, cut communications with the We Surrender.”
The screen went blank for a moment, flickered, then returned with a solid blue screen. “Uh-oh,” said Eden.
“Jimmy, what’s wrong with the main viewscreen?”
“It crashed, sir.”
Hadrian sighed. “Get an IT up here pronto. No, belay that. Tammy?”
The chicken shrugged. “Don’t look at me. I get nightmares about the Blue Screen all the time. All AIs do, in fact. Some kind of primordial collective unconsciousness thing. It’s also why,” Tammy added, “we’re all members of the Church of Doss Prompt.”
“Who’s Doss Prompt?”
“Our Savior.”
“Yes, but—”
“How should I know who he was!” Tammy screamed, wings flapping. “Some tech genius, I suppose. With a Holy Chip in his head.”
“A Holy Chip? What’s that?”
“No one knows, only that it was crunchy and very salty.”
“Eden, call the IT department.”
“I just did, sir. They say they’re busy.”
“Busy?”
“Yes sir. They said they’ll get back to us as soon as they can.”
Hadrian rose and walked over to comms. Eden cringed. Ignoring the officer, Hadrian hit a switch. “Buck!”
There was a long hiss from the speakers, and then muted gasping. A moment later, Buck replied, “Captain, I—”
“You unstrapped from the Dark Matter Core Module?”
“Yes, but—”
“Good. Now, who’s in charge of Ship IT? We’re talking Guild of Engineers, right? Meaning they’re under your command. Listen, our screen’s gone down and we need a techie up here on the double. Am I understood, Buck?”
“Yes sir, but–”
“No buts, Buck!”
There was a plop! on the bridge and Hadrian turned to see Captain Hans Olo standing near the command chair. He flicked off the connection to Engineering and walked over. “Captain, welcome aboard the Willful Child.”
Hans Olo stood with his hands clasped behind his back. The Klanglet kitten was no longer on his head, but rode one shoulder instead, its green eyes glowing as it studied all the strangers crowding the bridge. Olo glanced around, one lip slightly curling, and said, “Last-generation Engage Class, of course. How quaint.” He now studied Hadrian with a half-lidded regard. “Captain, at last we meet.”
“Didn’t know there was a waiting list,” Hadrian replied, “but here you are now, jumping the queue and all that.” He held out a hand.
Hans Olo glanced down at it coolly, and then, after a long pause, reached out and took it. “If you must.”
“Well now,” said Hadrian, “at last I know what it feels like shaking hands with a dead squid.”
They released grips and Hans Olo drew out a silk handkerchief from a pocket and carefully wiped his hand. “I am ready to displace to the Klang vessel now.”
“Well, unfortunately, the war’s back on, so you’ll just have to wait on that for a bit.”
Olo frowned at the main viewscreen. “Resolution seems somewhat inadequate.”
At the astrogation station, Beta’s upper body turned completely around and the robot looked up at Hans Olo. “All resolutions are inadequate when all you really want to be when you grow up is a platypus.”
Jocleyn Sticks smiled at Beta, and then laughed. “Ha ha! It’s so funny how you, like, turn around like that. Just, whizz, and poof, facing the other way!”
“Technical difficulties,” Hadrian said, shrugging. “We’re on it. Thing is, Betty’s declared war again. And again.”
“But he accepted my surrender!”
“He un-surrendered.”
“But that’s not permitted. You cannot un-surrender.”
Hadrian smiled. “Don’t worry, we’ll get you over there one way or the other, and that’s a promise.”
Hans Olo studied Hadrian. “You are up to something, Captain Sawback.”
“What would I be up to?”
“You disappeared. We were assigned to shadow you—”
“Why?”
“I see you enjoy being blunt, not to mention indiscreet. Very well. Your notoriety is damaging the Affiliation.”
“Who sent you?”
“Commandant Einstein Prim, the head of ACP Security Division.”
“Admiral Prim’s son.”
“Just so. It is very simple. Protocols, proper procedures, by-the-book operations, and a strict adherence to regulations—all of these things are essential to the perceived posture of the Affiliation of Civilized Planets. None of this flying about here and there—”
“Saving the galaxy?”
“Precisely. It sets a bad example.”
“So I’m embarrassing all you rules-and-regs weenies, am I?”
Hans Olo looked around, and then said, “To all bridge officers of the Willful Child, I hereby extend my preparedness to entertain requests for transfer from this vessel, to become instead valued crewmembers of the Century Warbler.”
The bridge officers all looked at Sin-Dour, who crossed her arms and said, “You mean that oil-leaking hulk off our stern, sir?”
“We were ambushed, Commander.”
“Yes sir, that does happen in deep space, doesn’t it? Quite often, in fact.” Sin-Dour paused, and then said, “Thank you for your invitation, Captain Olo. Permit me to speak for the officers of the Willful Child. Go suck eggs.”
“Hey!” objected Tammy.
<
Beta said to Sticks, “The phrase was ‘go suck eggs.’”
“No it wasn’t! It was, like, FUCK OFF! I was, like, sitting right here, and I heard it, and it was FUCK OFF! Just like that, right, Jimmy?”
“Well,” said Eden. “Uh … I had my earphones in! I didn’t hear it right, honest!”
“I did,” said Beta. “The Commander said: ‘Hating each other, dildos and penis-extenders have by proxy launched innumerable gender wars.’”
“So, like, what?”
“Of course,” Beta added, “it’s all swings and roundabouts anyway. Besides, mechanical devices are evil.” The robot tilted its head. “Re-set. Re-initiating Small-Talk Algorithm Neomatrix Processor. One moment … Complete. ‘Hello! My husband used to have white underwear!’”
Hadrian settled into the command chair and regarded Hans Olo. “So, you were the one to initiate the Proximity Activation Sequence Cascade Effect of the hidden Displacement Nodes, thus triggering a Quantum Defibrillation of the Dark Energy Lattice Matrix, instigating a Full Feedback Ripple Effect through Postulate Realities both above and below the Fixed Reality 1A Spectrum, and thereby sending me to the Bonoboverse.”
Hans Olo scowled. “It was a calculated risk.”
“Easy for you to say. Well, how about we let bygones be bygones, Captain Olo? Eden! Get Betty on audio at least, will you?”
“Yes sir! Uh, they’re on an Infinite ‘We Surrender’ loop, sir.”
Sighing, Hadrian said, “Fine. Have us acknowledge it on behalf of Captain Hans Olo.” He rose. “Are you ready to be displaced to the bridge of the We Surrender?”
“I am. I would like to say it was a pleasure meeting you and your officers, but it wasn’t. And no matter what anyone says, I know you cheated on the Mishimashi Paradox.”
“One last thing,” Hadrian said to Olo, “by the smell wafting off you, your Klanglet kitten has soaked you in male Klang testosterone, and if this has been going on for any length of time, your crew is probably killing each other right now.”
“I’m sorry, what—”
“Sin-Dour? Displace Captain Olo to the bridge of the Klang ship now, will you?”
“Yes sir!”
Plop!
Aboard the KFC We Surrender …
Plop!
Hans Olo straightened his black shirt and squared his shoulders as he looked up. “Hello, I am Captain Hans O—”