"Weirder Than Weird" 18 Bizarre Tales From a Disturbed Mind by Francis Burger
Everest, the snow-capped jewel deep in the heart of the Himalayas had been one of Ted’s favorite destinations for a long time, but the magic and challenge it offered in the past had finally worn off. He decided that this would be his last excursion to the top, but in true Ted form, he was determined to make it a memorable one.
Normally it would take him four days from base camp to reach the summit and another three to climb back down while carrying the necessary items to make the trip safely, chief among these the burdensome oxygen tanks. Ted always considered carrying those tanks to be a royal pain but this time he only brought along enough oxygen to reach the summit since he planned on making a most unorthodox descent, one intended to bring him to the bottom of the mountain in mere minutes instead of days.
The snow had been unrelenting the entire trip, but by the time Ted found himself perched at the top of the world once again, the mountain took on a glorious relaxation. The air became clear and still as a funeral and the rising orange ball behind the distant snowy peaks lit up the valley like a raging fire. Ted took off his goggles and looked down in wonder upon the world at his feet. “Just beautiful!” he said aloud, “You’re giving me quite a lovely send off, old pal! I’ll certainly miss your craggy old face but I still have a million places to visit and as they say… life is too short!”
He tore off his backpack and removed from it a bright red snowboard. He strapped the board to his feet, quickly got his bearings then shot off towards the bottom.
Following his ascending tracks, he felt like a human bullet being fired from a gun as he made his way down the mountain at break neck speed, but almost halfway down, he could see trouble up ahead. A cluster of gigantic rocks jutted out of the snow like the teeth of a slumbering dragon, looming large and forming an impenetrable wall. He knew that hitting something that substantial head on would reduce him to instant jelly. He must have strayed from the path but there was no possibility of stopping now, his only option would be to drastically shift to either side of the rock and hope for the best. He was advancing at a frightening speed but at the last second he shifted his weight with all the force he could muster. It was just enough to change his trajectory ever so slightly and by a hair’s breadth he passed by the extreme edge of the rock. He swooshed by like a rocket with his eyes shut tight, anticipating the terrible impact that never came, but a second later he felt a strange new sensation… that of leaving the Earth!
When he opened his eyes once again, the entire valley was spread out before him. He was no longer precariously tethered to the Earth by his snowboard; he now soared like an eagle upon the wind, as free and unencumbered as the air itself. The feeling of exhilaration he experienced was short lived, however, as his body started to tumble end over end, reminding him of his first free fall from an airplane, but of course he had a parachute with him then; this time he was certain the results would not be quite as enjoyable.
He began to wonder if the program would allow him to come to such a horrific end; he thought not, but there was still room for doubt. All his prior experiences had seemed so real, so lucid; perhaps anything could happen. The Earth came hurdling toward him now like a runaway freight train. He decided not to chance it and reached out to the omnipresent key pad that floated at his side in all his adventures. He pressed one of the buttons. Instantly his surroundings were transformed and he now found himself inside the curling pipe of an enormous blue swell of water. He crouched his frame to gain a better center of gravity and adjusted his footing upon the surf board. The wave he was riding came crashing down behind him in a boom of thunder but he managed to stay ahead of it. He could feel the cool spray of water lapping his shoulders as the ocean attempted to swallow him whole, still he remained upright and rode the colossal wave all the way to the shore.
A group of suntanned bodies stood by the water’s edge, cheering him on. Ted pulled himself out of the surf and was immediately consumed by the adoring crowd. After a few minutes his admirers dispersed and he felt completely spent by the day’s harrowing adventures. He made his way up the beach, finally collapsing into the soft warm sand.
“Would you mind?” came a gentle voice from out of nowhere.
Ted rolled over on his side to see who was talking and the lovely vision before him caused his mouth to drop. Lying on a blanket next to him was one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen. She was wearing a skimpy two piece bathing suit and holding a bottle of tanning lotion.
“Would you be a dear?” she asked as she handed the bottle to Ted, untying the string to her top and rolling over onto her stomach.
At that moment, he knew he was going to visit this particular program more often. He uncapped the bottle and poured a generous amount of the lotion into his hand but immediately sensed that something was wrong. He began to smell smoke and a second later his surroundings became fuzzy and distorted.
The girl looked up at Ted, “What’s wr…..” her words ended in a crackle.
The scene around him fell apart in a scattering of scrambled lines then disappeared altogether. He was again back in his real world.
The console in front of him had caught fire and Ted reached for the extinguisher. A few squirts and the fire was out, but the damage had already been done. He instantly knew what this all meant and collapsed back into his seat, his heart pounding out of his chest, desperately trying to regain his composure. After finally catching his breath, he surveyed the damage to the hologram module, it was as he suspected, completely burned through. He began to hyper ventilate as he felt for the first time since leaving Earth the choking confines of the capsule that had been his home for the past three months. He pressed his face against the portal window, hoping to regain the calmness he had felt the entire journey, but the star field gave no solace to the claustrophobia that was building and would eventually consume him.
He turned his eyes ever so slowly toward the ships chronometer and as he read the brightened display his throat tightened into a knot and his face drained of all color. It read, “ARRIVAL TIME” …975 days…43 minutes…55 seconds.
A TALE OF THE DAMNED
Normally it would take him four days from base camp to reach the summit and another three to climb back down while carrying the necessary items to make the trip safely, chief among these the burdensome oxygen tanks. Ted always considered carrying those tanks to be a royal pain but this time he only brought along enough oxygen to reach the summit since he planned on making a most unorthodox descent, one intended to bring him to the bottom of the mountain in mere minutes instead of days.
The snow had been unrelenting the entire trip, but by the time Ted found himself perched at the top of the world once again, the mountain took on a glorious relaxation. The air became clear and still as a funeral and the rising orange ball behind the distant snowy peaks lit up the valley like a raging fire. Ted took off his goggles and looked down in wonder upon the world at his feet. “Just beautiful!” he said aloud, “You’re giving me quite a lovely send off, old pal! I’ll certainly miss your craggy old face but I still have a million places to visit and as they say… life is too short!”
He tore off his backpack and removed from it a bright red snowboard. He strapped the board to his feet, quickly got his bearings then shot off towards the bottom.
Following his ascending tracks, he felt like a human bullet being fired from a gun as he made his way down the mountain at break neck speed, but almost halfway down, he could see trouble up ahead. A cluster of gigantic rocks jutted out of the snow like the teeth of a slumbering dragon, looming large and forming an impenetrable wall. He knew that hitting something that substantial head on would reduce him to instant jelly. He must have strayed from the path but there was no possibility of stopping now, his only option would be to drastically shift to either side of the rock and hope for the best. He was advancing at a frightening speed but at the last second he shifted his weight with all the force he could muster. It was just enough to change his trajectory ever so slightly and by a hair’s breadth he passed by the extreme edge of the rock. He swooshed by like a rocket with his eyes shut tight, anticipating the terrible impact that never came, but a second later he felt a strange new sensation… that of leaving the Earth!
When he opened his eyes once again, the entire valley was spread out before him. He was no longer precariously tethered to the Earth by his snowboard; he now soared like an eagle upon the wind, as free and unencumbered as the air itself. The feeling of exhilaration he experienced was short lived, however, as his body started to tumble end over end, reminding him of his first free fall from an airplane, but of course he had a parachute with him then; this time he was certain the results would not be quite as enjoyable.
He began to wonder if the program would allow him to come to such a horrific end; he thought not, but there was still room for doubt. All his prior experiences had seemed so real, so lucid; perhaps anything could happen. The Earth came hurdling toward him now like a runaway freight train. He decided not to chance it and reached out to the omnipresent key pad that floated at his side in all his adventures. He pressed one of the buttons. Instantly his surroundings were transformed and he now found himself inside the curling pipe of an enormous blue swell of water. He crouched his frame to gain a better center of gravity and adjusted his footing upon the surf board. The wave he was riding came crashing down behind him in a boom of thunder but he managed to stay ahead of it. He could feel the cool spray of water lapping his shoulders as the ocean attempted to swallow him whole, still he remained upright and rode the colossal wave all the way to the shore.
A group of suntanned bodies stood by the water’s edge, cheering him on. Ted pulled himself out of the surf and was immediately consumed by the adoring crowd. After a few minutes his admirers dispersed and he felt completely spent by the day’s harrowing adventures. He made his way up the beach, finally collapsing into the soft warm sand.
“Would you mind?” came a gentle voice from out of nowhere.
Ted rolled over on his side to see who was talking and the lovely vision before him caused his mouth to drop. Lying on a blanket next to him was one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen. She was wearing a skimpy two piece bathing suit and holding a bottle of tanning lotion.
“Would you be a dear?” she asked as she handed the bottle to Ted, untying the string to her top and rolling over onto her stomach.
At that moment, he knew he was going to visit this particular program more often. He uncapped the bottle and poured a generous amount of the lotion into his hand but immediately sensed that something was wrong. He began to smell smoke and a second later his surroundings became fuzzy and distorted.
The girl looked up at Ted, “What’s wr…..” her words ended in a crackle.
The scene around him fell apart in a scattering of scrambled lines then disappeared altogether. He was again back in his real world.
The console in front of him had caught fire and Ted reached for the extinguisher. A few squirts and the fire was out, but the damage had already been done. He instantly knew what this all meant and collapsed back into his seat, his heart pounding out of his chest, desperately trying to regain his composure. After finally catching his breath, he surveyed the damage to the hologram module, it was as he suspected, completely burned through. He began to hyper ventilate as he felt for the first time since leaving Earth the choking confines of the capsule that had been his home for the past three months. He pressed his face against the portal window, hoping to regain the calmness he had felt the entire journey, but the star field gave no solace to the claustrophobia that was building and would eventually consume him.
He turned his eyes ever so slowly toward the ships chronometer and as he read the brightened display his throat tightened into a knot and his face drained of all color. It read, “ARRIVAL TIME” …975 days…43 minutes…55 seconds.
A TALE OF THE DAMNED