A Voice in the Wind by Francine Rivers
“I’m going to bring Hadassah back with me,” she said.
“Why do you want her so badly?”
“The maids you’ve given me plod about their duties like mindless animals. When you’re not here, I’m bored to death with nothing to do. Hadassah always told me stories and sang songs to me. She always knew what I wanted before I asked.”
He raised his brow and considered her request. “Very well,” he said. “You may have her.”
As soon as he left, Julia decided to go home immediately, see Mother and Father, and bring Hadassah home with her. She pushed the rumpled blankets aside, summoned her maids, and ordered a bath prepared. “I’ll wear the lavender palus,” she told one, “and the amethysts and pearls,” she said to the other.
Washed and scented, she carefully applied her makeup. It was best if her parents thought everything was perfect. She hoped Marcus wouldn’t be home. He knew her too well to be fooled.
Her mother was delighted to see her, embracing her and asking all manner of questions as she ushered her into her father’s presence. Julia was even gratified to see a smile of welcome on his face. He embraced her as well and lightly kissed the cheek she turned to him. He was thin and drawn. She wondered if he really was seriously ill, but pressed the thought quickly away.
“I’ve missed you both so,” she said, realizing she had. How strange that she hadn’t noticed it until she was back in their presence again. They were so dear to her, her heart swelled. And they did love her after all.
Excited and happy, she talked about the parties and feasts she and Caius had attended. She talked of the games and gladiators she had seen. She talked of the expensive presents Caius brought her, showing off her new pearls. Not once did she notice their disquiet or see their exchanged looks or their increasing dismay at what she disclosed about her new life and her husband.
She asked them questions about what had happened in the household, but as soon as they mentioned anything, it reminded her of something else she had to tell them.
“Enoch, bring me some wine. I’m quite parched,” she said and drank half a goblet when he brought it to her. “Hmmm, it’s not as good as what Caius buys for us, but it’s refreshing,” she said and finished the rest. She saw her mother’s expression and giggled. “I’m not a child anymore, Mother. One goblet of wine doesn’t make me drunk.”
Decimus asked careful questions about Caius.
Phoebe ordered the evening meal be served. “Lie down, Julia,” she said, patting the couch beside theirs.
Julia nibbled at the simple meal of sliced beef, fruit, and bread, and told them about the feasts of delicacies she had eaten. “Sometimes I eat until I think I’ll pop,” she laughed. “More wine, Enoch.”
“You look as slender as always,” Phoebe said.
“Thank you,” Julia said, smiling happily. She didn’t tell them Calabah had taught her how to disgorge her stomach so she wouldn’t gain weight. It had been unpleasant to begin with, but now was easily accomplished when she had a few minutes of privacy. She wouldn’t eat enough of this meal to bother about it. She tossed a sliver of beef back onto the silver tray and took a grape instead.
Hadassah entered with two small bowls of warm water and a cloth draped over each forearm. She smiled brightly when she saw Julia, but went to serve Decimus and Phoebe instead. Julia was annoyed when Bithia brought the bowl to her so she could wash. Hadassah was her slave, not theirs. She had only loaned her to them.
She washed and dried her hands and flipped the damp cloth back at Bithia in dismissal. “Hadassah, collect whatever you have. You’ll be returning with me.” She felt the stillness in the room as soon as she spoke the words. “Is something wrong?” she asked in challenge.
“Leave us, Hadassah,” Decimus said softly.
“Do as I said, Hadassah,” Julia called after her and then looked at her father.
“It was my understanding you had more than enough maids already and had no need of her anymore,” he said.
“Julia,” Phoebe said more carefully, “what need do you have of Hadassah with so many others?”
“The others don’t serve me the way I like.”
“Then teach them,” Decimus said tersely, annoyed. He had seen the flicker of emotion in Hadassah’s eyes. She was happy here. She served them better than any other slave before her. He had no wish to give her back to his selfish, willful daughter, not when Julia had more slaves than she needed already.
“I would teach them if they had any intelligence,” Julia said angrily. “Caius only cares that they’re beautiful. Most of them are like Octavia’s Ethiopian. Absolutely worthless. I’ve had one whipped twice and she’s still too slow. Caius didn’t want Hadassah serving me because she’s ugly and a Jew.”
“She’s still a Jew,” Decimus said dryly.
“She’s never been ugly,” Phoebe said defensively.
Julia glanced at her. “You’ve become very attached to her, Mother.”
“What does Caius dislike about Jews?” Decimus asked, and Julia realized she had said too much. She could hardly tell her parents why Caius objected.
“Several of his friends were killed in the siege of Jerusalem,” she hedged quickly.
“In that case, I think it’s best if Hadassah stays here,” Phoebe said.
Julia’s mouth dropped open. “How can you say that? She’s mine. You gave her to me.”
“You gave her back to your mother,” Decimus said.
Julia rose up on her couch. “I did not! I only loaned her. I never once said you could have her, Mother.”
“She’s served us very well over the last six months,” Phoebe said weakly. “I don’t think it’s fair to her to be passed back and forth.”
Julia stared in disbelief. “Fair? Fair! She’s a slave! And what about me? Don’t you care about me?”
Marcus entered the room and gave his sister a wry smile. “I thought it sounded like old times. Welcome home, Julia.” He came to her and bent to kiss her. “What’s all the fuss about, little sister?”
“They want to keep Hadassah,” she said, glaring at her father. “She’s mine and Mother talks about fairness. They care more about a slave than they do about their own daughter.”
“Julia!” Phoebe said in dismay.
“It’s true!” Julia said, near tears, her heart pounding frantically. She needed Hadassah, she needed her nearby. “Did Father once ask me if everything was fine? Does he know what I have to endure?”
Decimus frowned, wondering at the intensity of her emotions. “What do you have to endure?” he asked sardonically, and Phoebe laid a hand over his and gave him a pleading look for silence.
Marcus studied her face. “What’s happened to you?”
“Nothing,” Julia said, shaking. “Nothing!” She looked at her mother. “You gave her to me.”
“Yes, I did,” Phoebe said, rising and going to her daughter. “And, of course, you can have her back.” She put her arm around Julia’s waist and felt a significant change in her. Suddenly she thought she knew the reason Julia was so emotional. “Oh, my dear, we had no idea you had such need of her. You may take her back with you.” She felt Julia relax. “She has served us very well, but we have others.” She kissed Julia’s temple. “I’ll go speak with Hadassah.”
“No,” Julia said, catching her hand. She didn’t want to be alone with her father, and she could feel her brother’s acute gaze boring into her, full of questions, latent with suspicion. “Send Marcus,” she said. “He can tell her to get ready. I’ve only a few more minutes before I must return home and I want to spend them with you . . . and Father.”
Marcus found Hadassah sitting on a bench in the peristyle. His pulse quickened as he came close to her. She stood, and her posture spoke of obedience. He thought of how many times he had wanted to talk with her. Sometimes he would rise early just to watch her go out at sunrise to pray to her god. At those times, the temptation to go out to her had been almost too great. But he knew his father was
“Mother said you’re to get your things. You’re going with Julia.”
“Yes, my lord,” Hadassah said and started to turn away.
“Wait,” he said huskily. “Hadassah, look at me.” When she lifted her eyes to his, he saw her sadness and wanted to reach out and hold her. Instead, he spoke harshly. “You don’t want to go, do you?” It sounded like an accusation and she looked frightened. It had been a long time since he had seen that look in her eyes and, full of remorse, he impulsively cupped her face. “I meant no accusation. You have served us well. You can tell me the truth.” Her skin was so soft, he wanted to trace all her features and comb his fingers through her hair. His hands tightened. How long would it be before he saw her again? He didn’t want to let her go.
Hadassah drew back from him slightly, disturbed by his touch. Had she a choice, she would stay here with Phoebe and Decimus. She would remain close to Marcus. He was so troubled. Life was a war to him, each accomplishment a battle to win. It was best that she be sent away. Her love for him was impossible, and yet it was growing each day. Besides, there was her promise to Phoebe about caring for Julia. And, of course, there was Julia to consider. Something was wrong. She had known it the moment she saw her—life with Urbanus was not as wonderful as Julia portrayed. “Lady Julia needs me, my lord.”
Marcus felt her withdrawal and took his hands from her. He turned away, frustrated. “No more than my father needs you.” Or I, he thought, realizing how her presence had served him.
Hadassah lowered her head. “Your mother is always here for him, my lord.”
He glanced back at her sharply. “Julia has Urbanus and half a dozen slaves to take care of her.”
“Then why has she come for me?” Hadassah said softly.
Marcus turned fully. “You don’t trust Urbanus any more than I.”
“I can’t judge, my lord,” she said cautiously.
“But you sense something, don’t you? Are you afraid of him?”
“He doesn’t notice me.”
“He noticed you, and you know it. He refused to have you serve Julia,” he said. Suddenly he was more uneasy about this than before. “What if Julia sends you to him the way she sent you to Claudius? Urbanus won’t want to talk.”
Her face was hot with embarrassment at his obvious suggestion. “She didn’t love Claudius, my lord. She does love this man.”
He let out his breath. She was right, of course, and he was faintly relieved at the reminder of Julia’s lack of affection for her first husband. In fact, Julia had loathed Claudius. In contrast, she was mad for Caius. It was unlikely she’d send a slave in her place. And even if some pique or misunderstanding roused her anger and she did so, it was equally unlikely Urbanus would accept a substitute when he had summoned his wife. Marcus doubted Caius was as understanding as Claudius had been, or as weak and pliable.
Besides, Caius was as obsessed with Julia as she was with him. That had been more than obvious on the few occasions he had been at the same event with them and had had opportunity to observe them. In fact, the depth of their obsession made him uncomfortable. It didn’t resemble the love his father and mother had for one another. It was something dark and powerful.
And Hadassah would now be in the middle of it.
Hadassah looked up at him and saw his worry. She knew how much Marcus loved his sister. He was a loyal and devoted brother. She took his hand in both of hers. “Please, my lord, try to trust me. I love her, too. I’ll watch over your sister as best I can.”
“And who will watch over you?”
She looked up at him in surprise and color poured into her cheeks. She let go of his hand.
Angry that he had revealed so much, he turned away and went back into the house. Julia was drinking another goblet of wine and looked up as he entered. “Where is Hadassah?” Julia demanded in an imperious tone that grated on his already raw nerves.
“Don’t use that tone with me. I’m not your lackey.”
Julia’s eyes widened. “I can see I should never have come home,” she said, setting the goblet down so hard that the wine sloshed over the side. A few droplets splashed on her lavender palus, and she uttered a small cry of dismay. “Now look what has happened.” She tried to rub the wine drops away, but they were already soaking into the delicate wool. “Caius just gave me this a few days ago!”
Marcus had seen Julia’s tantrums before, but this show of emotion was something else. His anger vanished. “It’s just a few drops of wine, Julia.”
“It’s ruined. It’s ruined!”
Hadassah entered the room with a small tied bundle—one change of clothes. Seeing the state Julia was in, she dropped it and went to her mistress. Leaning down, she caught Julia’s hands from their frantic scrubbing. “It’s all right, my lady. I know what to do to remove the stain. It will be like new.” Julia glanced up at her and Hadassah saw the bruise she had so carefully tried to hide. She looked into her young mistress’s eyes and saw more there as well. “I’m glad you came for me, Lady Julia,” she said softly. “It will be my pleasure to serve you again.”
Julia grasped Hadassah’s hands tightly. “I’ve missed you so,” she whispered, her eyes filling with tears. “I need you.” She blinked them away, aware her parents and brother were watching her. She let go of Hadassah’s hands and rose regally from the couch, smiling brightly again.
It wasn’t until after Hadassah and Julia were gone that Marcus noticed the small tied bundle by the door. “Hadassah forgot her things. I’ll take them tomorrow.”
Decimus looked at him. “Do you think that wise?”
“Perhaps not,” Marcus conceded, “but I’d like to know what’s going on in that house to put Julia in such a state. Wouldn’t you?”
“And you think Hadassah will know after one night?”
“No, but Julia might feel more free to talk with me if we’re alone.”
Decimus nodded. “Perhaps you’re right.”
“It would be better if you waited to talk with her, Marcus,” Phoebe said. She sank down on her couch, smiling brightly. “I think you’re both worrying for nothing. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with Julia that a few months won’t bring to rights.”
Decimus frowned at her lack of concern. “What brought on such an emotional outburst then? A tiff with Caius?”
“No.” Eyes shining, Phoebe took his hand. “I think our daughter is with child.”
He gave a short laugh. “I’m sure she would have said something if that were so.”
“She’s still very innocent, Decimus. Perhaps she doesn’t even know herself, and I’m only guessing. I’ll go see her tomorrow. There are questions I need to ask her to be sure.”
Decimus looked at his wife in surprise. She was serious! “A child,” he said wonderingly. By the gods, that was something worth living for.
Marcus hoped his mother was wrong. While news of a baby brought smiles to his parents’ faces, he seriously doubted his sister would be pleased with such news.
In fact, he was sure she would hate it.
Chapter 20
Julia wept bitterly. “Caius hasn’t touched me since I told him about the baby. He refuses to take me to the games or any of the parties or feasts we’ve been invited to attend. He acts as though it’s entirely my fault that I’m pregnant—as if he had nothing to do with it!”
Calabah soothed her with soft words.
“He finds me repulsive,” Julia said tearfully.
“Did he tell you that?” Calabah said, knowing Caius was more than capable of such cruelty.
“He didn’t have to tell me, Calabah. I feel it every time he looks at me.” She clenched her hands. “I know he’s been with other women,” she said and stood. She turned away so Calabah couldn’t see her face and wrapped her arms around herself as though that would stop the p
Calabah leaned back slightly, her smile sardonic. “Dear, sweet Octavia. And what did she have to say?”
“She took the greatest delight in telling me she saw Caius flirting with Senator Eusebius’ daughter. She said they disappeared for about an hour, but she imagined they were talking about politics.” Her tone was bitter and sarcastic. “Can you believe she would come to me with a story like that? I hate her, Calabah. I tell you, I hate her. By the gods, I hope some wretched curse befalls her. You should’ve seen her gloating face.
“Not only that,” Julia continued angrily, “but she was bragging about going to the ludus again and seeing Atretes.” She turned, Caius forgotten. “I saw him first. Did you know that? I saw him on the road near Capua before he was famous, but now she’s the one who sees him almost every day, while I’m locked away in this house like a prisoner. She said—”
“She said, she said, she said . . . ” Calabah rose from her couch, wanting to shake Julia. She had seen the gladiator Julia mentioned. All brawn, beauty, and passion. Completely barbarian. How could Julia be attracted to him? It was beneath her. It was unthinkable. “What do you care what Octavia says, Julia? Or who she sees. She’s nothing but a stupid, shallow little whore who’s jealous of you. Haven’t you realized that yet? She was in love with Caius, and he’s never looked twice at her. The minute you walked in the room, he was captivated.”
“Not anymore,” Julia said, full of angry self-pity.
“All isn’t lost, Julia, and stop pacing like a madwoman. You’re making me dizzy. Come and sit down and let’s discuss this intelligently.” Julia came obediently, and Calabah took her hand. She squeezed it gently. “Do you want this child?”
Julia jerked her hand away and stood again. “Want it? I hate it. It’s ruined my life. I’m sick in the morning. I’ve dark circles under my eyes because I can’t sleep for worrying about what Caius is doing when he’s not with me. And I’m getting disgustingly fat.”