Confessions of a Litigation God by Sawyer Bennett
Page 31
So then I had to ask myself… am I willing to risk getting hurt again for the chance to be with Mac? That wasn’t so simple, and I warred with myself all night. I don’t think the Macallan made things any clearer necessarily, but it did make me loose enough to let go of some of my preconceived notions and prejudices.
It made me consider the possibility of something more.
By the time I had passed out on my bathroom floor, because let’s face it, cool bathroom tile feels great against your face when you’ve got the spins, I decided to go for it with Mac.
Apparently, that wasn’t just drunk Matt’s psyche working, because when I woke up, I felt almost giddy with hope that today, things in my life were about to possibly get better.
So I stand, outside of Mac’s apartment, and hope my life is about to actually get better.
I knock on her door and then shove my hands in my jeans pockets, staring at the floor. I know I probably look like shit. After I showered, I hadn’t bothered to brush my hair… just sort of combed my fingers through it. I know my eyes are bloodshot and I threw on an old, navy blue T-shirt and a pair of ratty jeans. Of course, you can’t have on ratty jeans and not wear Chuck-Ts so I threw a pair of those on as well.
The door opens and I raise my head, my eyes locking with hers.
So f**king beautiful.
Hair pulled up in a ponytail, no makeup on her face, wearing a t-shirt and a pair of yoga pants, her feet bare. Yes, I’d take her like that every f**king day.
Best of all, she had a dab of chocolate on her chin and the scent of chocolate chip cookies assaults me.
“You have chocolate on your chin,” I murmur, stepping forward. She doesn’t back away, so I reach a hand up and collect the chocolate on my thumb. Then I put it in my mouth and suck it clean, feeling immense satisfaction when Mac’s eyes go dark and her breath rushes out over her lips.
“Can I come in?” I ask, even though, technically, I had walked over her threshold. I guess the more appropriate question would have been, “Will you please not kick me out?”
She doesn’t respond but just gives me a nod and turns away, heading into the kitchen. I follow her in, and whereas normally my eyes would be trained on her fantastic ass, I take note of how stiff her shoulders are and how high she’s holding her head.
In the kitchen, there are a variety of baking ingredients laying on the counter, flour is dusted everywhere and she has a sheet of cookies on top of the stove. One cookie looks pathetically broken and lonely on the floor.
“Is Macy here?”
“No. She’s at the gym,” she says as she bends over to pick the cookie up. She throws it in the trashcan, never once looking at me, and then starts to remove the rest of the cookies from the sheet, placing them carefully on a plate.
When she’s done, she turns to me and crosses her arms over her chest in a defensive posture. She runs her eyes up and down my body, but there’s nothing sexual about it all. “You look like hell, Matt. Did you go on a bender or something?”
I grimace over how lame that makes me. “Actually… I did. I never drink like that, but I pretty much stayed drunk Friday and Saturday. ”
“Did it help?”
“No. It didn’t help at all. ”
Mac’s eyes fill with pain, and I don’t know if it’s for me or for the hurt I’ve caused her. She won’t look me in the eye though and turns her gaze to the plate of cookies.
“I can’t get you out of my mind,” I tell her quietly.
Her eyes snap to mine, and now they are filled with sympathy… for me. “I’m sorry,” she says apologetically.
What the f**k?
“Sorry? You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m the ass**le. I have so much to apologize for that I don’t even know where to begin. ”
And because Mac is probably the kindest, most empathetic person I know, she still tries to make me feel good, even though I know she’s hurting.
“Matt,” she says softly. “It’s okay. I understand what was driving you. ”
Stop it! She just needs to stop worrying about me and let me get through this. I walk toward her, eating up the distance and itching to touch. Her arms fall away from her chest and she watches me warily.
Tenderly… slowly… with purpose, I raise my hands and lay my palms on her cheeks, framing her face and holding her still.
Making her look at me, refusing to let her look away.
“No, it’s not okay, Mac. I have to make up for this, and I’m hoping that I haven’t messed things up so badly that you won’t let me start over by taking you out on a date. I want to give you what you want. At least, I want to try to give it to you… if you’ll let me. ”
Fuck, that felt so good to get that out. To let out the words I think deep, deep down… way deep down… I really wanted to say to her for a long time… giving her something that she’s wanted.
Mac’s eyes go wide with wonder, maybe a little confusion. “A date?”
I smile at her, nodding my head, and wait to hear her answer. The suspense is killing me.
“What made you change your mind?” she inquires.
“I finally started realizing that the pain of loneliness is much worse than the pain of betrayal and heartbreak that I was trying to avoid. ”
Mac’s mouth opens slightly, and she sighs in relief. “I’d love to go on a date with you. ”
I give a sigh of relief too, because I’ve made it past the first major hurdle. “I’m probably going to be really bad at this dating thing… I hope you have patience with me. ”
“I’m sure you’ll do just fine,” she says softly, but I might sense a little bit of apprehension in her voice.
Still, I feel like I just conquered the biggest f**king case of my career… convinced the most jaundiced jury to award me everything I could ever desire. And all she did was agree to go on a date with me.
Leaning in, I kiss her forehead and then pull back, searching her eyes one last time to make sure there’s no doubt… no hesitation on her part. She returns my look boldly… confidently… hopefully.
Smiling, I drop my hands from her face and turn away from her, heading back to the front door.
“Wait! Where are you going?” she calls out to me in confusion.
I don’t look back at her as I reach out and open her door. But I do yell back over my shoulder. “I’m going home so I can call you and ask you out all nice and proper. ”
I hear her stammer, “But… but…” but then she fades away as I walk out and close the door behind me.
Chuckling, I practically skip my way to the elevator, so f**king high on life right now.
***
As soon as I get home to my apartment, I grab a can of Diet Coke from my fridge and hop over the back of the couch, bouncing on the cushions. Pulling my phone out, I call Mac and she answers on the second ring.
Her voice is all breathless and excited, and oh, so sexy, and I immediately think of having phone sex with her. But I shake my head to clear those thoughts. “Hey. ”
“Hey,” she says back coyly, but I can hear the smile on her face.
“So, I was just wondering… would you be interested in going on a date with me Friday night? Maybe dinner? See a show?”
She really brings out her southern accent, and I can almost envision her batting her eyelashes at me when she says, “Why, Mr. Connover… I’d be delighted to accompany you Friday night. ”
I laugh at her silliness, but I’m still immensely happy that she agreed again. I guess a small part of me was afraid she’d change her mind by the time I got home. She laughs with me, at me… I’m not sure, but it’s amazing to me after the week we’ve had, that we can laugh at all.
Which brings it crashing down on me, that I still have some amends to make with her. “I really am sorry,” I say quietly into the phone. “For all the ways I’ve hurt you. ”
“You don’t have to—” Mac starts to say, but I cut her off.
“I do have to. If we’re going to start over and try this whole dating thing…I do need to apologize, and I need you to tell me you forgive me. I need you to listen to me… let me get it all out, and then I need you to forgive me. ”
“Okay,” Mac says softly, appreciatively, and then she waits for me to begin.
“First… I need you to believe me, I have not been with another woman since you and I first met. I know I told you that you were ‘replaced and forgotten’ but I was saying that only to hurt you. You are irreplaceable, Mac, and there’s no way I could ever forget you. ”
She stays silent, which is good, because I have more to say.
“I know it’s hard to believe… you know… me being a litigation god and all, but I have a lot of fears and insecurities, and I’ve been trying to work through them. ”
Mac chuckles and says, “You? Insecure? When pigs fly. ”
I laugh softly but tell her, “It’s true, Mac. The failure of my marriage… the shit that went down with Marissa and Cal… it f**ked me up. Changed me. I just didn’t ever want to be hurt like that again. ”
Her breath is gentle across the line. “I understand, and I’m sorry you went through that. ”
“I just want you to know that the things I said… they were meant to hurt you because I was hurting and confused, and f**k… I know I sound like a girl, and I can only hope you remember all the stellar times I f**ked you into oblivion as I’m saying this. ”
Mac actually snorts in laughter. “Well, I certainly don’t want to have to revoke your man card. Let’s call it water under the bridge, okay?”
“You forgive me then?”
“I do,” she says firmly.
“Why?”
She’s quiet a moment, then she tells me words that fill me with peace. “Matt… when you came to Nashville, to support me… when you were by my side as my mother died… I just knew that there was something special about you. I knew that I wanted more from you. Did the things you said to me hurt? Yes. Did I think you were being cruel, petulant, and ridiculous? Yes. But I also knew the real Matt, even if you wouldn’t acknowledge his existence. And to answer your question, I forgive you because you said you were sorry, and I can hear the sincerity in your voice. There is no reason I shouldn’t forgive you so we can have a chance to make something. ”
Oh, man… what did I ever do to deserve this woman? This woman who looks like an angel, f**ks like the devil, and has instantly forgiven my transgressions.
“Thank you,” is all I can think to say, because if there’s one thing I know about Mac… she’s about as ballsy as they come. She didn’t need to give me a second chance. She’s independent enough that she’d never give me a backward glance, she’s beautiful enough to have any man she wanted, and she’s brilliant enough to shoot for the stars. I’m going to have to accept her word as true… that she is giving me another chance because she sees something inside of me that makes me worthy of a woman like her.
I make a vow to myself that I need to treat Mac with all the respect and integrity I have within me, because she’s a far bigger person than I ever could be. I can’t hold anything back if I want to be with her.
“Tell me more about Gabe,” Mac says, and I can almost envision her lying on the couch, twirling a finger around a lock of her hair while we talk.
Gabe is an easy enough subject, because I could talk every minute of every day for a year and still not tire of talking about him. I’m not sure if, as humans, we should make our entire existence focus on the benefit of one thing, but I think as a parent, that’s something that is impossible to ignore. My entire existence is about Gabe, and while I have room in my life for other things… such as work, maybe now a relationship with Mac… nothing will ever come before his health and happiness.
So then I had to ask myself… am I willing to risk getting hurt again for the chance to be with Mac? That wasn’t so simple, and I warred with myself all night. I don’t think the Macallan made things any clearer necessarily, but it did make me loose enough to let go of some of my preconceived notions and prejudices.
It made me consider the possibility of something more.
By the time I had passed out on my bathroom floor, because let’s face it, cool bathroom tile feels great against your face when you’ve got the spins, I decided to go for it with Mac.
Apparently, that wasn’t just drunk Matt’s psyche working, because when I woke up, I felt almost giddy with hope that today, things in my life were about to possibly get better.
So I stand, outside of Mac’s apartment, and hope my life is about to actually get better.
I knock on her door and then shove my hands in my jeans pockets, staring at the floor. I know I probably look like shit. After I showered, I hadn’t bothered to brush my hair… just sort of combed my fingers through it. I know my eyes are bloodshot and I threw on an old, navy blue T-shirt and a pair of ratty jeans. Of course, you can’t have on ratty jeans and not wear Chuck-Ts so I threw a pair of those on as well.
The door opens and I raise my head, my eyes locking with hers.
So f**king beautiful.
Hair pulled up in a ponytail, no makeup on her face, wearing a t-shirt and a pair of yoga pants, her feet bare. Yes, I’d take her like that every f**king day.
Best of all, she had a dab of chocolate on her chin and the scent of chocolate chip cookies assaults me.
“You have chocolate on your chin,” I murmur, stepping forward. She doesn’t back away, so I reach a hand up and collect the chocolate on my thumb. Then I put it in my mouth and suck it clean, feeling immense satisfaction when Mac’s eyes go dark and her breath rushes out over her lips.
“Can I come in?” I ask, even though, technically, I had walked over her threshold. I guess the more appropriate question would have been, “Will you please not kick me out?”
She doesn’t respond but just gives me a nod and turns away, heading into the kitchen. I follow her in, and whereas normally my eyes would be trained on her fantastic ass, I take note of how stiff her shoulders are and how high she’s holding her head.
In the kitchen, there are a variety of baking ingredients laying on the counter, flour is dusted everywhere and she has a sheet of cookies on top of the stove. One cookie looks pathetically broken and lonely on the floor.
“Is Macy here?”
“No. She’s at the gym,” she says as she bends over to pick the cookie up. She throws it in the trashcan, never once looking at me, and then starts to remove the rest of the cookies from the sheet, placing them carefully on a plate.
When she’s done, she turns to me and crosses her arms over her chest in a defensive posture. She runs her eyes up and down my body, but there’s nothing sexual about it all. “You look like hell, Matt. Did you go on a bender or something?”
I grimace over how lame that makes me. “Actually… I did. I never drink like that, but I pretty much stayed drunk Friday and Saturday. ”
“Did it help?”
“No. It didn’t help at all. ”
Mac’s eyes fill with pain, and I don’t know if it’s for me or for the hurt I’ve caused her. She won’t look me in the eye though and turns her gaze to the plate of cookies.
“I can’t get you out of my mind,” I tell her quietly.
Her eyes snap to mine, and now they are filled with sympathy… for me. “I’m sorry,” she says apologetically.
What the f**k?
“Sorry? You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m the ass**le. I have so much to apologize for that I don’t even know where to begin. ”
And because Mac is probably the kindest, most empathetic person I know, she still tries to make me feel good, even though I know she’s hurting.
“Matt,” she says softly. “It’s okay. I understand what was driving you. ”
Stop it! She just needs to stop worrying about me and let me get through this. I walk toward her, eating up the distance and itching to touch. Her arms fall away from her chest and she watches me warily.
Tenderly… slowly… with purpose, I raise my hands and lay my palms on her cheeks, framing her face and holding her still.
Making her look at me, refusing to let her look away.
“No, it’s not okay, Mac. I have to make up for this, and I’m hoping that I haven’t messed things up so badly that you won’t let me start over by taking you out on a date. I want to give you what you want. At least, I want to try to give it to you… if you’ll let me. ”
Fuck, that felt so good to get that out. To let out the words I think deep, deep down… way deep down… I really wanted to say to her for a long time… giving her something that she’s wanted.
Mac’s eyes go wide with wonder, maybe a little confusion. “A date?”
I smile at her, nodding my head, and wait to hear her answer. The suspense is killing me.
“What made you change your mind?” she inquires.
“I finally started realizing that the pain of loneliness is much worse than the pain of betrayal and heartbreak that I was trying to avoid. ”
Mac’s mouth opens slightly, and she sighs in relief. “I’d love to go on a date with you. ”
I give a sigh of relief too, because I’ve made it past the first major hurdle. “I’m probably going to be really bad at this dating thing… I hope you have patience with me. ”
“I’m sure you’ll do just fine,” she says softly, but I might sense a little bit of apprehension in her voice.
Still, I feel like I just conquered the biggest f**king case of my career… convinced the most jaundiced jury to award me everything I could ever desire. And all she did was agree to go on a date with me.
Leaning in, I kiss her forehead and then pull back, searching her eyes one last time to make sure there’s no doubt… no hesitation on her part. She returns my look boldly… confidently… hopefully.
Smiling, I drop my hands from her face and turn away from her, heading back to the front door.
“Wait! Where are you going?” she calls out to me in confusion.
I don’t look back at her as I reach out and open her door. But I do yell back over my shoulder. “I’m going home so I can call you and ask you out all nice and proper. ”
I hear her stammer, “But… but…” but then she fades away as I walk out and close the door behind me.
Chuckling, I practically skip my way to the elevator, so f**king high on life right now.
***
As soon as I get home to my apartment, I grab a can of Diet Coke from my fridge and hop over the back of the couch, bouncing on the cushions. Pulling my phone out, I call Mac and she answers on the second ring.
Her voice is all breathless and excited, and oh, so sexy, and I immediately think of having phone sex with her. But I shake my head to clear those thoughts. “Hey. ”
“Hey,” she says back coyly, but I can hear the smile on her face.
“So, I was just wondering… would you be interested in going on a date with me Friday night? Maybe dinner? See a show?”
She really brings out her southern accent, and I can almost envision her batting her eyelashes at me when she says, “Why, Mr. Connover… I’d be delighted to accompany you Friday night. ”
I laugh at her silliness, but I’m still immensely happy that she agreed again. I guess a small part of me was afraid she’d change her mind by the time I got home. She laughs with me, at me… I’m not sure, but it’s amazing to me after the week we’ve had, that we can laugh at all.
Which brings it crashing down on me, that I still have some amends to make with her. “I really am sorry,” I say quietly into the phone. “For all the ways I’ve hurt you. ”
“You don’t have to—” Mac starts to say, but I cut her off.
“I do have to. If we’re going to start over and try this whole dating thing…I do need to apologize, and I need you to tell me you forgive me. I need you to listen to me… let me get it all out, and then I need you to forgive me. ”
“Okay,” Mac says softly, appreciatively, and then she waits for me to begin.
“First… I need you to believe me, I have not been with another woman since you and I first met. I know I told you that you were ‘replaced and forgotten’ but I was saying that only to hurt you. You are irreplaceable, Mac, and there’s no way I could ever forget you. ”
She stays silent, which is good, because I have more to say.
“I know it’s hard to believe… you know… me being a litigation god and all, but I have a lot of fears and insecurities, and I’ve been trying to work through them. ”
Mac chuckles and says, “You? Insecure? When pigs fly. ”
I laugh softly but tell her, “It’s true, Mac. The failure of my marriage… the shit that went down with Marissa and Cal… it f**ked me up. Changed me. I just didn’t ever want to be hurt like that again. ”
Her breath is gentle across the line. “I understand, and I’m sorry you went through that. ”
“I just want you to know that the things I said… they were meant to hurt you because I was hurting and confused, and f**k… I know I sound like a girl, and I can only hope you remember all the stellar times I f**ked you into oblivion as I’m saying this. ”
Mac actually snorts in laughter. “Well, I certainly don’t want to have to revoke your man card. Let’s call it water under the bridge, okay?”
“You forgive me then?”
“I do,” she says firmly.
“Why?”
She’s quiet a moment, then she tells me words that fill me with peace. “Matt… when you came to Nashville, to support me… when you were by my side as my mother died… I just knew that there was something special about you. I knew that I wanted more from you. Did the things you said to me hurt? Yes. Did I think you were being cruel, petulant, and ridiculous? Yes. But I also knew the real Matt, even if you wouldn’t acknowledge his existence. And to answer your question, I forgive you because you said you were sorry, and I can hear the sincerity in your voice. There is no reason I shouldn’t forgive you so we can have a chance to make something. ”
Oh, man… what did I ever do to deserve this woman? This woman who looks like an angel, f**ks like the devil, and has instantly forgiven my transgressions.
“Thank you,” is all I can think to say, because if there’s one thing I know about Mac… she’s about as ballsy as they come. She didn’t need to give me a second chance. She’s independent enough that she’d never give me a backward glance, she’s beautiful enough to have any man she wanted, and she’s brilliant enough to shoot for the stars. I’m going to have to accept her word as true… that she is giving me another chance because she sees something inside of me that makes me worthy of a woman like her.
I make a vow to myself that I need to treat Mac with all the respect and integrity I have within me, because she’s a far bigger person than I ever could be. I can’t hold anything back if I want to be with her.
“Tell me more about Gabe,” Mac says, and I can almost envision her lying on the couch, twirling a finger around a lock of her hair while we talk.
Gabe is an easy enough subject, because I could talk every minute of every day for a year and still not tire of talking about him. I’m not sure if, as humans, we should make our entire existence focus on the benefit of one thing, but I think as a parent, that’s something that is impossible to ignore. My entire existence is about Gabe, and while I have room in my life for other things… such as work, maybe now a relationship with Mac… nothing will ever come before his health and happiness.