Crossing the Line by Simone Elkeles
"I'm sorry," I tell Pablo's mom as she rushes to my side once I'm in Pablo's bed.
"What kind of animal did this to you?" she asks me. "This isn't drug-related, is it?"
"No, ma'am."
Satisfied with my answer, she hands me a glass of water and some pain relievers.
"You're safe here," Pablo's big brother, Javier, tells me before leaving the room.
When everyone is gone and I settle into the pillow, I try to ignore the pain. It's no use, I'm going to feel like shit for a long time. "I wish I had your family," I tell Pablo. He's sitting on a chair with his feet propped up on the bed.
"Sometimes they can be annoyin'," he says. "They're always interfering in my life and givin' me advice about what college I should go to."
"I'll trade families with you."
He smiles. "No thanks, Hess. I'll take my meddling family over yours any day of the week."
Claudia, Pablo's younger sister who's going to be a sophomore at Loveland High in the fall, peeks her head into the room. "I made soup," she says. "Can I come in?"
"Sure," Pablo says.
With a shy smile, she walks into the room and stares at my bruised face as she places the bowl of soup on Pablo's desk next to a big yellow book titled The Guide to the Best Colleges.
"Thank you," I tell her.
"De nada," she replies, then walks out of the room.
"What have you gotten yourself caught up in?" Pablo asks me. "I want to help you if I can."
"You can't help me. I need to deal with this on my own." I hold my aching side. "I'll be out of here in the mornin'."
"You can stay as long as you need to, Ry. Okay?"
"You say you have my back, but you never ask me for help. I'm always askin' you for help."
He shrugs as if it's no big deal. "I'm not keeping score."
"You should." I glance at the Mexican flag above Pablo's bed and the American flag on the wall above his desk. "Where do you like it better?" I ask him.
He crosses his arms and thinks for a minute. "They're both home to me. I guess my heart and spirit is Mexican but my home is the US. I identify with both and wish there were no such thing as borders. Does that make sense?"
"Yeah."
He raises a brow. "You should stay here, although be forewarned: when you wake up you might feel worse than you already do. Gather up enough strength to go back home when you're ready."
At least I can look forward to that scene when I walk into Paul's house and announce in my bloodied state, "Surprise, I'm back!"
Thirty-Two
Dalila
Since I came back a few days ago I haven't been able to talk to my papa. He's been working out of the house most of the time, and when he's home he completely ignores me. He's even got Gerardo and a few other guards following me around the house to make sure I don't go anywhere. My house has truly become my prison. My little sisters have supposedly been sent on a summer vacation, but I suspect they've been sent into hiding for their own protection. I asked about them, but I was shut down.
Gerardo told me that Ryan will be killed if he comes near me again. It's not fair. It's like whatever I think or say doesn't matter. Is it because I'm only eighteen or because I'm a woman? I'm a person. It shouldn't matter how old or what gender I am.
I'm going to see him again. I can't let this empty feeling inside me be my new normal. If Ryan doesn't want to see me again, I have to hear it from him.
I find my mama in the garden. She's busily clipping dead branches off some of the plants and pulling wilted leaves from their stems.
"Are you still mad at me?" I ask her.
She doesn't look at me. Instead she continues with her task. "I'm not mad."
"Then look at me, Mama."
She does. "What do you want me to say, Dalila?"
"I want you to say that my choices are respected and that when I say something, I'm heard."
She shakes her head. "Your father provides for us and protects us. He makes rules not because he wants to be a dictator, but to make sure we're taken care of and safe. When you disrespect his rules, you're disrespecting your entire familia."
Her words tear little rips in my already-damaged heart. I don't want to cry or be emotional, but my eyes start to well up. The last thing I want to do is hurt my familia. "I love him, Mama."
She goes back to gardening. "Nonsense. You don't even know him."
I know I can't convince her that she's wrong. Ryan and I opened up to each other and revealed so much. Even though we've only known each other for a little while, I feel like I know him inside and out. I can feel when he's hurting and when he's stressed. When he's happy or amused, there's a part of me that bonds with those emotions. It's a connection I've never had with anyone else.
Not even my blood relatives.
"I want to see him."
"No."
"Mama, I need to go to the gym and see if Ryan is okay." I swallow the lump forming in my throat. I haven't heard from him and I can't be away from him any longer. "I'll make sure Soona and Demi go with me. I won't be alone. I know that Ryan needs me. I feel it."
Everyone in his life has treated him poorly or abandoned him. I want him to know that I'll never give up on him.
"Give me this one gift," I plead. "If you think I'm oblivious to everything that's been going on, you're wrong. I know more than you think I do."
"You know nothing, mija."
"Lucas would want me to follow my own path, Mama. He wouldn't want me to follow his. I've tried to be the best daughter I could, but I'm not that perfect child. I can't pretend that I want the life you've forged for me. I can't control what Papa does. Don't control what I need to do."
She stops gardening and sighs. "I'm going out with your father tonight," she says softly. "We're attending a benefit with the mayor and his wife."
With a smile on my face and excitement running through me, I run and give my mom the biggest hug. "Gracias, Mama. I love you so much."
She hugs me back but holds on to me tighter and longer than usual. "If I could turn back the clock and change things, I would."
I leave the gardens and head to my room to pick out my clothes for tonight. I wish I could leave now, but I have to wait.
After my parents leave for their charity dinner, I run upstairs to get dressed. I decide to wear a pretty, white, off-the-shoulder top that shows off my midsection. I think it will drive Ryan crazy. I pair it with a black miniskirt I bought in Paris last year. It's a little short, but it goes perfectly with the top.
My hands are shaking as I put on mascara. The anticipation of seeing Ryan again is rattling me to the point of barely functioning. I need to see him, to feel his touch, to tell him how much I missed him.
To tell him how much I'm there for him.
I climb down into the fields in order to meet up with Demi and Soona, because if the guards know I'm gone they'll definitely alert Papa. I'm not risking that.
After I weave through the fields and shimmy through an opening in the fence on the edge of our property, I see Demi in her car. As a favor to us, Mateo had it fixed by one of his cousins and brought it back to her in perfect condition.
"You're going to get yourself in big trouble one of these days," Soona says as I slide into the back seat.
"She's doing it for love, Soona," Demi chides her. "What's more powerful and worth it than that?"
"Love?" Soona scoffs. "Really? You're in love?"
Before I met Ryan I didn't know what falling in love meant. Love makes you weak and strong. It makes you secure in your feelings and insecure that something will come along to ruin everything. Love makes you have purpose and passion. I'd run to the ends of the earth to find Ryan. If he doesn't feel the same way, it won't matter. For better or worse, my heart is seared with my love for him.
Soona hasn't been in love. Demi is a romantic at heart, but she just hasn't found the right person.
I direct the girls to the gym and notice a bunch of cars in the parking lot. A shar
"What happened?" Soona asks.
"I don't know, but I'm gonna find out."
One car in the lot I recognize as Rico's. Why is he here?
I take a deep breath and lead the girls into the gym. All eyes are on us as we enter.
Rico is standing with another guy in the ring. He's got a strange, cocky smirk plastered on his face as he ducks through the ropes and approaches me. "Hey," he says, grinning from ear to ear. "You and your friends come to watch me?"
Is he serious? "What happened to Ryan's car?"
He doesn't answer.
"I need to talk to Ryan," I say, scanning the gym for him.
"He's not here," Rico says.
"Do you know where he is?"
His smirk turns into a chuckle and it makes me want to step back. But I don't. I need to figure out what's going on. "Ryan went far away. Well, that is if he's actually alive. He didn't look too good the last time I saw him."
My heart starts pounding so hard I can feel it beating against my shirt. "What do you mean if he's alive? What did you do to him?" I ask, my voice shaking uncontrollably.
"I just made sure he'd stop interfering in your life."
"What I do with my life is none of your business, Rico Cruz!" I shoot back.
"It is when I make it my business." He looks at me as if I'm some kind of strange creature. "You don't think you two were actually a thing, do you? He was playing you, Dalila. He admitted he was just trying to get into your pants, so I beat the shit out of him and dumped him back in the US where he belongs." He jumps down from the ring and places a comforting hand on my shoulder. "I did it to protect you from that pendejo. Aren't you going to thank me for saving you from him?"
No. He's lying.
I'm so confused right now.
My mind whirls with Rico's words.
"Come on, Dalila," Soona chimes in. "Let's go home."
I'm still in a daze as my friends and I walk out of the gym and head for Demi's car.
As if on cue, Mateo's truck pulls into the parking lot. He sticks his head out the window and waves. "Hey!"
"Did you know Rico beat up Ryan?"
A shocked Mateo rushes out of the car. "What do you mean?"
"He's gone."
"I know." Mateo's brow furrows in confusion. "I thought he couldn't deal with the pressure of livin' here and just went back to Loveland. Rico said his car was vandalized after he left. I haven't heard from him."
"So you haven't talked to him this past week?"
"I've been busy with family stuff." He swears under his breath. "I should have been there for him."
I can't just go on with my life pretending that Ryan doesn't exist. "Rico said Ryan is in the US. Can you help me find him?"
Soona sucks in a breath. "Dalila, you can't go. You heard what Rico said. Ryan was just using you."
Demi puts her hands on her hips. "Let me go with you so I can beat the shit out of that lying user, too."
My friends have no clue what it was like to spend time with Ryan. He wasn't using me. I know he wasn't.
Mateo shakes his head. "Whoa. Rico said that Ryan was using you? No way. Ryan doesn't use people."
I know. "Take me to him, Mateo."
"You want me to sneak you across the border? No way," he says, holding his hands up.
"I've got a passport back at home. That's all I need."
"We can't go tonight," Mateo says. "But I can take you tomorrow night if you're up for it."
I'm ready to fight for what I want, even if I'm breaking the rules. Nothing's going to stop me now.
I just have to find a way to sneak out tomorrow night without anyone noticing.
Thirty-Three
Ryan
I left Pablo's and came back home a few days ago. My head is pounding and my body still feels completely broken, but that doesn't matter to Paul. He barged into my room this morning and is standing over my bed, wearing his ever-present Loveland sheriff uniform.
"I've left you alone for the past couple of days, but I'm not about to let this go. What happened to you in Mexico, Ryan?" he asks, scrutinizing the mass of bruises and cuts on my body. Not because he's concerned for my welfare, but because he needs to pry.
"I was beat up."
"Obviously."
My mom peeks her head in the room. "Were you involved in drug deals, Ryan?"
"Of course it was because of drugs, Susan," Paul answers like he's some psychic and knows exactly what I've been up to. He puts his hands on his hips, his finger brushing against the butt of his gun. "I told you this would happen."
"Paul, drug test me. I'm not doin' drugs. I got beat up by some thugs, that's all."
He's watching me with a critical squint. "Where's your car?"
"I totaled it." That's not exactly true. Rico totaled my car, but the less Paul knows the better.
"If you would've taken the job at the farm, this wouldn't have happened," he says in an exasperated voice. "If you keep makin' the wrong choices in life, you'll go nowhere."
"You're right."
He leans forward. "What'd you say? Speak up, boy, I couldn't hear you."
"I said you were right." If I spent all summer shoveling shit I wouldn't have been beat up. And I'd still have a car with windows and tires without holes in them. And I wouldn't have ruined Dalila's life. Everything I did was a lost cause.
Mom walks farther into my room. "I can't bail you out every time you get in trouble, Ryan. At some point you're going to have to learn from your mistakes. Paul is here to help you."
I'm gonna play it their way just until I can figure out a plan. "I'll go talk to Mr. Johnson tomorrow," I say just to appease them.
Paul nods, then leaves my room. "You better get your shit together, Ryan. This is your last chance," he calls out from the hallway.
I look over at my mom. "I'm sorry, Ma."
She leans her head against the doorjamb. "Me too. Listen, I know Paul isn't easy on you, but he's the only person I can rely on. He's the only thing I got."
I don't remind her that she's got me, but I never mattered to her.
"Maybe try a little harder, you know," she says. "The grass needs mowing. Show him that you appreciate him taking care of us."
The last thing I want to do is show Paul any gratitude, but causing waves isn't going to get me anywhere. "I'll mow the lawn," I tell her. "For you."
She leaves the house to go run errands and I head out to the garage.
"The loser's back," PJ says as I pass him in the living room. "From those bruises, I can tell you had the best time in Mexico. You definitely came back here with your tail between your legs, loser. Ha ha!"
Man, would I like to punch him in the teeth so hard they all fall out.
In the garage, I pull out the lawn mower.
I'm trying to start the rusty thing when Allen peeks his head into the garage. "Yo, Cinderella!" he calls out. "How about you wash my car after you mow the lawn."
"How about you go suck your brother's dick," I say.
He sucks in a fake horrified breath, as if my words were too harsh for his sensitive ears. "I'm telling my father you said that."
"Go ahead."
I push the lawn mower out of the garage, ignoring the pain the movement causes me. The thing is so old it takes me forever to get it to work. I gather the clippings and toss them in the huge paper bags I found in the garage, the entire time wondering how Dalila is holding up. Is she thinking about me? Is her father making sure she's safe from danger?
Telling myself not to think about her just makes me think about her more. The bossy way she talks, the way strands of her long, curly hair fall into her face, the way she'd roam her fingers over my body as if she wanted to memorize every ripple.
The sun is beating down on me. When I go in the kitchen for a water break, I hear PJ changing channels. He stops on the news.
"Revenge is the name of the
Hearing about the kidnappings makes me wonder if Dalila is safe.
Frustrated, I go back outside to finish mowing the lawn. I'm on my last bag, dumping all the clippings into the trash bag, when the entire thing falls over.
Damn.
I kick the lawn mower and it goes flying to the back wall of the garage. It bashes part of the wood structure and an entire panel of wood comes dislodged from the frame. Oh, great, one more thing to go wrong today.
I'm attempting to move the panel back in place when I realize something's not right. It's a fake wall. I dislodge it even more and see there's an entire space between this fake wall and the back of the garage. I'm thinking the construction on this thing was done by a bunch of idiots. But when I peer inside the empty space, I notice piles of cash. They're stacked up like soldiers.
Bribe money.
So Paul has been working with the cartels. He boasts about his reputation as the savior sheriff who'll rid Loveland of the gangs and drugs streaming across the border from Mexico but it's all bullshit. This entire time he's been lecturing me about making the right choices while he's been bought off by the cartels he says he's determined to take down.
I'm done playing his game.
It's time he plays mine.
Thirty-Four
Dalila
Since Lucas died, I've been living my life in honor of him as if that's what would have made him happy. I also hold massive amounts of guilt that it was Lucas who had the heart murmur and not me. That guilt guided me in every one of my goals and the way I lived, pretending it was what I wanted, but I never felt any true purpose or passion.
Until now.
Ryan has pulled me out from a cloud I've been living under. This tension I feel when he's away from me isn't going to go away. I'm going to see Ryan, to find out if he's okay and to let him know that I'm not abandoning him.