The Cotton Spies by Simon Glyndwr John
CHAPTER 55
‘Statham! Statham! Have you read this?’ Barber waved a telegram at Statham before the latter had managed to get all of his body through the door.
‘It was, “Your eyes only”! I thought it best not to look at it.’
‘Well you can guess can’t you? You know where it is from.’ Barber put the telegram down on his desk and shook his head in a manner that made it abundantly clear what he thought of Statham’s inability to be telepathic or to know the contents of a telegram that he had not opened.
Barber’s voice lowered to a level that could only be heard by anyone within a thirty yard radius – Statham was about two yards away. ‘General Muncerville has offered Fernee the chance to join his staff in Baku and Captain Fernee has accepted. You know anything about this?'
‘No, general,’ Statham replied as he thought how lucky Fernee was to be out of Barber’s command and began inadvertently to smile.
‘What the devil are you smiling at? I have repeatedly said that,’ he spoke the following words emphasising each word by banging his clenched fist on his desk. ‘I will not have junior officers deciding on a whim to go off and join someone else’s command. It will not do. Why has he not come back I told you to do that – well?’
‘Absolutely disgraceful,’ said Statham and would have liked to have added “that Fernee had not done it sooner”. ‘It might have been General Muncerville who asked Fernee to stay. I understand that he needs Russian speaking officers.’
‘I know that. There’s no need to state the obvious, colonel. Muncerville should have written to me first and then I would have told him that it was impossible for me to let Fernee go. I mean India deliberately put Fernee with his skills at my command. Muncerville reports to Dexter in Baghdad, doesn’t he?’ Barber without waiting for an answer snapped, ‘I will send Dexter a message. I know him well we were in Poona together - a fine chap. I will ask him to order Muncerville to return my man.’ Barber looked at Statham as if for support.
Statham winced as he said, ‘I think we could give General Muncerville another chance to send Fernee back.’
Barber pondered as he wondered what would show him in the best light - maybe Statham was right for once. ‘Write it straight away then, Statham be tactful but firm – remember it’s your suggestion.’ Statham was opening the door to make his welcome escape when the voice boomed out, ‘what about Captain Cowl? Where is he now?’
Statham knew Barber deliberately got Mawle’s name wrong. ‘Captain Mawle is in Krasnovodsk and he could join the soldiers we have sent over the border. Statham tried to control himself but failed. ‘Captain Mawle was sent by London to blow up the Russian railway, maybe he is doing that.’
‘I do not care what his name is so stop repeating yourself. Whatever his name is does not alter the fact, colonel, that he was useless as a cipher officer. Yes, he was sent to blow something up that did not exist, using tools he had never used - the man is idle and completely useless. A touch of field action will either make or break him. I learnt the hard way, now he must. Assign him to Brigadier Fishlock’s command immediately.’ Barber started to mutter, ‘blow up a railway he couldn’t blow up a balloon – he’d have trouble finding, what do they call that bit of the balloon they blow into Statham?’
‘The blower, sir.’
Statham returned to his office sat and composed the telegram with a face like thunder.
To: General Muncerville
From: General Barber
Captain Fernee is mine! He was given to me for my own nefarious purposes by India. India trusts me completely because they know that I am doing a wonderful job! As always! If I had time I would learn Russian but I am too busy and need Fernee. My goal is to get to being a Major-General on my way to being a Lieutenant-General whilst I suspect you have reached the zenith of your career - a mere Brigadier. I am not to be trifled with about Fernee who is mine. Send him back by return or I will report you to General Dexter who I knew at Poona – his dog serviced my bitch and Dexter’s wife had one of the puppies. I might actually write to India get them to do some work – it beats playing polo every day. Hope everything is well with you.
Statham read what he had written and then tore up the paper into tiny fragments and dropped them in his waste basket. He then wrote something he could send.
‘Statham! Statham! Have you read this?’ Barber waved a telegram at Statham before the latter had managed to get all of his body through the door.
‘It was, “Your eyes only”! I thought it best not to look at it.’
‘Well you can guess can’t you? You know where it is from.’ Barber put the telegram down on his desk and shook his head in a manner that made it abundantly clear what he thought of Statham’s inability to be telepathic or to know the contents of a telegram that he had not opened.
Barber’s voice lowered to a level that could only be heard by anyone within a thirty yard radius – Statham was about two yards away. ‘General Muncerville has offered Fernee the chance to join his staff in Baku and Captain Fernee has accepted. You know anything about this?'
‘No, general,’ Statham replied as he thought how lucky Fernee was to be out of Barber’s command and began inadvertently to smile.
‘What the devil are you smiling at? I have repeatedly said that,’ he spoke the following words emphasising each word by banging his clenched fist on his desk. ‘I will not have junior officers deciding on a whim to go off and join someone else’s command. It will not do. Why has he not come back I told you to do that – well?’
‘Absolutely disgraceful,’ said Statham and would have liked to have added “that Fernee had not done it sooner”. ‘It might have been General Muncerville who asked Fernee to stay. I understand that he needs Russian speaking officers.’
‘I know that. There’s no need to state the obvious, colonel. Muncerville should have written to me first and then I would have told him that it was impossible for me to let Fernee go. I mean India deliberately put Fernee with his skills at my command. Muncerville reports to Dexter in Baghdad, doesn’t he?’ Barber without waiting for an answer snapped, ‘I will send Dexter a message. I know him well we were in Poona together - a fine chap. I will ask him to order Muncerville to return my man.’ Barber looked at Statham as if for support.
Statham winced as he said, ‘I think we could give General Muncerville another chance to send Fernee back.’
Barber pondered as he wondered what would show him in the best light - maybe Statham was right for once. ‘Write it straight away then, Statham be tactful but firm – remember it’s your suggestion.’ Statham was opening the door to make his welcome escape when the voice boomed out, ‘what about Captain Cowl? Where is he now?’
Statham knew Barber deliberately got Mawle’s name wrong. ‘Captain Mawle is in Krasnovodsk and he could join the soldiers we have sent over the border. Statham tried to control himself but failed. ‘Captain Mawle was sent by London to blow up the Russian railway, maybe he is doing that.’
‘I do not care what his name is so stop repeating yourself. Whatever his name is does not alter the fact, colonel, that he was useless as a cipher officer. Yes, he was sent to blow something up that did not exist, using tools he had never used - the man is idle and completely useless. A touch of field action will either make or break him. I learnt the hard way, now he must. Assign him to Brigadier Fishlock’s command immediately.’ Barber started to mutter, ‘blow up a railway he couldn’t blow up a balloon – he’d have trouble finding, what do they call that bit of the balloon they blow into Statham?’
‘The blower, sir.’
Statham returned to his office sat and composed the telegram with a face like thunder.
To: General Muncerville
From: General Barber
Captain Fernee is mine! He was given to me for my own nefarious purposes by India. India trusts me completely because they know that I am doing a wonderful job! As always! If I had time I would learn Russian but I am too busy and need Fernee. My goal is to get to being a Major-General on my way to being a Lieutenant-General whilst I suspect you have reached the zenith of your career - a mere Brigadier. I am not to be trifled with about Fernee who is mine. Send him back by return or I will report you to General Dexter who I knew at Poona – his dog serviced my bitch and Dexter’s wife had one of the puppies. I might actually write to India get them to do some work – it beats playing polo every day. Hope everything is well with you.
Statham read what he had written and then tore up the paper into tiny fragments and dropped them in his waste basket. He then wrote something he could send.