After We Fell by Anna Todd
She tenses up, lowering her head so darkness overtakes her features. “What did you just say?” she says and steps forward.
I tilt my head to the side and stare at her. “Christ, I’m just fucking with you. She’s at the restaurant down the road with her parents.”
Riley raises her head and stops. “Okay, and how do you know her?”
“Met her yesterday. Her dad went to college with mine, I guess. Does she know you’re here?”
“No, I’ve been trying to get hold of her,” she says and gestures at the woods surrounding us. “But since she’s out in the middle of fucking nowhere, she hasn’t been answering. Probably her shitsucker of a dad keeping her from talking.”
I sigh. “Yeah, he is that. Is he even going to let you see her?”
She scowls at me. “Aren’t you nosy as hell?” But then she smirks proudly. “Yeah, he will. He’s a dick, but he’s even more of a pussy, and he’s afraid of me.”
Headlights flash out in the darkness, and I step onto the grass. “That’s them,” I tell her.
Shortly, the car pulls into the driveway and comes to a halt. Lillian practically jumps out the door and into Riley’s arms.
“How did you get here?” she practically squeals.
“I drove,” her girlfriend answers drily.
“How did you find me? I haven’t had service all week.” She nuzzles into her girlfriend’s neck, and I watch as Riley’s tough-girl exterior begins to crack. Her hand moves up and down against Lillian’s back lovingly.
“It’s a small place, baby. It wasn’t too hard.” She pulls back a little to look at Lillian’s face. “Is your dad going to give me shit for coming?”
“No. Well, maybe. But you know he won’t make you leave.”
I force out a cough, feeling awkward standing there watching this reunion. “Okay, well, I’m going to go,” I say and begin to walk off.
“Bye,” Riley says. Lillian doesn’t say anything.
After a few minutes, I reach the gate to my father’s cabin and walk up the driveway. Tessa will be here any minute, and I want to be inside before the SUV pulls into the driveway. She’ll be crying, I’m sure, and I’ll have to come up with an apology to make her stop and listen to me.
I barely make it to the porch when Karen and Lillian’s mother step out of the car. “Where is everyone else?” I ask her, my eyes searching for Tess.
“Oh, well, your dad and Landon rode back with Max to watch some game on television.”
“Where’s Tessa?” Panic rises in my chest.
“She’s back at the restaurant.”
“What?” What the fuck. This isn’t how it’s supposed to go.
“She’s with him, isn’t she?” I ask the two women, even though I already know the answer. She’s with the blond asshole with the sheriff for a father.
“Yeah, she is,” Karen says, and if I wasn’t stuck out in the middle of nowhere with her, I’d cuss her out for the small smile she’s trying to hide.
chapter forty-three
TESSA
So that’s basically the story of my life,” Robert ends with a grin. His smile is warm and honest—almost childlike, but in the most endearing way.
“That was . . . interesting.” I reach for the wine bottle on the table and lift it to fill my glass. Nothing comes out.
“Liar,” he teases, and I burst into wine-induced giggles. His life story was short and sweet. Not plain really, not exciting, just normal. He grew up with both parents: his mother the schoolteacher, his father the sheriff. After graduating from the small college two towns away, he decided to go to medical school. He’s only working here now because he’s on the wait list to get into the medical program at the University of Washington. Well, that and he makes pretty good money working at the most expensive restaurant around.
“You should have gone to WCU instead,” I tell him, and he shakes his head. He stands up from the table and puts his index finger in the air to pause our conversation. I sit back in the chair while I wait for him to return. I rest my head against the wooden chair and look up. The ceiling in this small section is painted with clouds, castles, and cherubs. The figure directly above me is sleeping, with pink staining her cheeks and blond curly hair topping her head. Her small white wings lay almost flat in slumber. Next to her, a boy—at least I assume it’s a boy—stares at her, watching her with his black wings spread behind him.
Hardin.
“No way,” Robert says suddenly, interrupting my thoughts. “Even if I wanted to, they don’t offer the program I need. Plus, the medical program is part of the main campus in Seattle. At WCU, your Seattle campus is much smaller.” When I lift my head up, I see he has a new bottle of wine in his hands.
“Have you been there? To the campus?” I ask him, eager to learn more about my new location. I’m even more eager to stop staring at creepy images of baby angels on the ceiling.
“Yeah, only once. It’s small but it’s nice.”
“I’m supposed to be there on Monday, and I have nowhere to live.” I laugh. I know my poor planning shouldn’t be funny, but right now it feels that way.
“This Monday? As in today is Thursday and Monday is right around the corner?”
“Yep.” I nod.
“What about the dorms?” he asks as he uncorks the bottle.
Living in the dorms never crossed my mind, not even once. I had assumed . . . well, hoped . . . that Hardin would be accompanying me, so they weren’t on my radar.
“I don’t want to live on campus, especially now that I know how it feels to live on my own.”
He nods and starts pouring. “True, once you get a taste of freedom, you can’t go back.”
“So true. If Hardin went to Seattle . . .” I stop myself. “Never mind.”
“So were you guys planning on trying the long-distance thing?”
“No, it would never work,” I say, feeling an ache rise in my chest. “The short-distance thing barely even works for us.” I need to change the subject before I end up a blubbering mess. “Blubbering,” what a strange word.
“Blubbering,” I say while pinching my lips between my thumb and index finger.
“Entertaining yourself?” Robert smiles and places a full cup of wine before me. I nod, still laughing. “I have to say, this is the most fun I’ve had at work in a while.”
“Me, too,” I agree. “Well, if I worked here.” I’m making no sense at all. “I don’t drink often—well, more now than I ever did before—but not enough to have built a tolerance, so I get drunk pret-ty fast,” I sing, lifting my cup in front of my face.
“I’m the same. I’m not much of a drinker, but when a beautiful girl is having a bad night, I make an exception,” he says bravely, but then flushes terribly. “I just meant . . . ahh . . .” He covers his face with his hands. “I don’t seem to have a filter around you.”
I reach across the table and lower his hands from his face; he flinches slightly, and when he looks up at me his blue eyes are so clear.
“It’s like I can tell what you’re thinking,” I say aloud, without a thought.
“Maybe you can,” he whispers in response, and his tongue darts out to wet his lips.
I know he wants to kiss me; I can read it on his face. I can see it in his honest eyes. Hardin’s eyes are so guarded all the time I have to struggle to be able to read him, and even then I’ve never been able to read him the way I want to, the way I need to. I lean closer to Robert, the small table still between us as he leans forward, too.
“If I didn’t love him so much, I’d kiss you,” I quietly say, not pulling back but not moving any closer. As drunk as I am, and as angry as I am at Hardin, I can’t do it. I can’t kiss this other guy. I want to, but I can’t.
The left corner of his mouth lifts into a crooked smile. “And if I didn’t know how much you love him, I’d let you.”
“Okay . . .” I’m not sure what else to say, and I’m drunk and awkward, and I don’t know how to act around anyone other than Hardin
and Zed, but in a way those two are similar. Robert isn’t like anyone I’ve ever met. Except Landon. Landon is sweet and kind, and my mind is racing from the almost-kiss with someone who is not Hardin.
“I’m sorry.” I sit back down on the chair, and he does the same.
“Don’t be. I’d much rather you not kiss me than kiss me and regret it.”
“You’re strange,” I tell him. I wish I’d chosen a different word, but it’s too late now. “In a good way,” I correct myself.
“So are you.” He chuckles. “When I first saw you in that dress, I thought you were going to be some snobby rich girl with no personality at all.”
“Well, sorry. I’m surely not rich.” I laugh.
“Or snobby,” he adds.
“My personality isn’t too bad.” I shrug.
“It will do,” he teases with a smile.
“You’re awfully nice.”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“I don’t know.” I start poking at my cup. “Sorry, I know I sound like an idiot.”
He looks puzzled for a moment, then says, “You don’t sound like an idiot. And you don’t have to keep apologizing.”
“What do you mean?” I ask. I’m vaguely aware that I have now picked apart the rim of the Styrofoam cup; small pieces of white litter the table in front of me.
“You keep apologizing for everything you say. You’ve said ‘sorry’ at least ten times in the last hour. You haven’t done anything wrong, so you don’t have anything to apologize for.”
I’m embarrassed by his words, but his eyes are so kind and his voice doesn’t hold even a sliver of annoyance or judgment. “I’m sorry . . .” I say again reflexively. “See! I don’t know why I do that.” I smooth a loose lock of hair behind my ear.
“I can guess, but I won’t. Just know that you shouldn’t have to,” he states simply.
I take a deep breath and let it out. It’s relaxing to have a conversation with someone without worrying about upsetting them the entire time.
“Anyway, tell me more about your new job in Seattle,” he says, and I’m thankful for the subject change.
chapter forty-four
HARDIN
Where do you think I’m going?” I yell up the walk at Karen, tossing my hands in the air out of frustration.
She walks partway back down the porch steps, then says, “I don’t mean to butt in, Hardin, but don’t you think you should leave her be . . . for once? I really don’t want to upset you, but I don’t think anything good will come out of you going down there and causing a scene. I know you want to see her, but—”
“You don’t know anything,” I snap, and my father’s wife pulls her head back a little.
“I’m sorry, Hardin, but I think you need to leave her be for tonight,” she says, like she’s my mother.
“Oh, why? So she can fucking cheat on me?” Frustrated fingers tug at the roots of my hair. Tessa’s already had one glass—one and a half glasses, to be exact—at dinner, and Lord knows she can’t handle alcohol.
“If that’s what you think of her . . .” Karen begins but stops herself. “Never mind, go on, then—like always.” She looks at Max’s wife once, then adjusts her knee-length dress. “Just be careful, dear,” she says with a forced smile and goes up the stairs with her friend.
That headache gone, I continue on with my original plan and march toward the restaurant. I’ll drag Tessa out of there—not literally, of course, but she will come with me. This whole thing is bullshit, and it’s all because I forgot to put on a fucking condom. That’s what started this whole spiraling mess we’re in. I could have called Sandra earlier and corrected the apartment shit, or I could have found Tessa another place to live . . . but that wouldn’t work either. Seattle can’t happen. It’s taking longer to convince Tessa than I imagined it would, and now it’s all even more complicated.
I’m still shocked that she didn’t get out of the car with Karen and whatever Lillian’s mum’s name is. I was positive that she’d be upset and ready to talk to me. It’s that waiter—what kind of influence did he manage to have on her that would make her stay at the restaurant instead of coming with me? What did she see in him?
Needing to collect my thoughts for a minute, I stop and sit down on one of the large rocks decorating the edge of the yard. Maybe barging in there isn’t the best idea. Maybe I should get Landon to go inside and get her. She listens to him much more than she does me. But then I curse at my stupid idea because I know he won’t go for it, and, taking his mum’s side, he’ll make me look weak and tell me to leave her alone.
I can’t, though. Sitting on this cold-ass rock for twenty minutes has made it worse, not better. All I can think about is the way she stepped back away from me on the deck and how she was so carefree laughing with him.
What will I say to her? He seems like the kind of asshole who’ll try to stop me from making her leave. I won’t have to hit him; if I yell enough, she’ll come with me to avoid a fight. I hope. She hasn’t done what I predicted so far tonight.
This is all so juvenile: my behavior, my manipulation of her feelings. I know it—I just don’t know what to do about it. I love her—fuck, do I love that girl. But I’m running out of ways to keep her close to me.
In reality it seems like you have her trapped, and that’s why she won’t leave you: not because she loves you, but because you’ve made her feel that she can’t be without you.
Lillian’s words play like a broken record through my mind as I get up and head past the end of the driveway. It’s cold as fuck outside now, and this stupid shirt is too thin. Tessa didn’t bring a jacket to dinner with her, and that dress—that dress—is skimpy and she’ll definitely be cold. I should probably grab her a jacket . . .
What if he offers her his jacket? Jealousy courses through me, and I ball my fists at the thought.
. . . you have her trapped, and that’s why she won’t leave you: not because she loves you . . .
Fucking Tessa Number Two and her bullshit psychotherapy. She doesn’t even know what she’s talking about. Tessa does love me. I see it in her blue-gray eyes every time she looks at me. I feel it on her fingertips as she traces over the ink stained into my skin. I feel it when her lips touch mine. I know the difference between love and being trapped, between love and being addicted.
I swallow the slight panic that threatens to overtake me again. She loves me. She does. Tessa loves me. If she didn’t, I wouldn’t know how to handle it. I couldn’t. I need her to love me and be there for me. I’ve never let anyone get as close to me as she is; she’s the only person that I know will always love me unconditionally. Even my mum gets sick of my shit sometimes, but Tessa always forgives me, and no matter what I do she’s always there for me when I need her. That stubborn, obnoxious, uncompromising girl is my entire world.
“What are you doing, creep?” I hear from the darkness.
“You have got to be fucking kidding me,” I groan and turn to find Riley walking down the driveway of Max’s cabin. I need to be paying more attention. I didn’t even notice her coming toward me.
“You’re the one out here stalking the damn driveway,” she fires back.
“Where’s Lillian?”
“Not your concern. Where’s Tessa?” she says with a smirk. Lillian must have told her about our fight. Lovely.
“Not your concern. Why are you out here?”
“Why are you?” Riley clearly has an attitude problem.
“Do you have to be such a bitch?”
She nods exaggeratedly a few times. “Yeah. I do, actually.” I figured she’d chew my head off for calling her a bitch, but she doesn’t seem to mind; I’m sure she knows she is. “And I’m out here because Lillian just fell asleep. And between her dad, your dad, and your dorky-ass brother, I’m ready to puke.”
“So what, you thought you’d walk around in the dark in the middle of February?”
“I’m wearing a coat.” She tugs at the bottom of her garment to prove he
r point. “I’m going to find that bar I passed while I was driving up here.”
“Why don’t you drive, then?”
“Because I want to drink. And do I look like someone who wants to spend their weekend in jail?” she scoffs, walking past me. She looks back without stopping. “Where’re you going?”
“To get Tessa; she’s hanging out with . . . never mind.” I’m sick of telling people my fucking business.
Now Riley does stop. “You’re an asshole for not telling her that Lil is gay.”
“Of course she told you,” I say.
“She tells me everything. That was a major dick move.”
“It’s a long story.”
“You won’t move to Seattle with Tessa, and now”—she flips her hair over her shoulder—“she’s probably giving that blond dude a blow job in the bathroom of—”
I step toward her, anger boiling in my veins. “Shut the fuck up. Now. Don’t you fucking dare say shit like that to me.” I have to remember that even though she has a mouth like mine, she is a female and I would never take it there.
Unfazed by my outburst, she replies calmly, “Don’t like that much, do you? Maybe you’d do best to remember that next time you make some snarky-ass comment about fucking my girlfriend.”
My breathing falters, deep and out of control. I can’t stop thinking about Tessa’s full lips touching him. I tug at my hair again and turn in a circle.
“It’s driving you crazy, isn’t it? Her being with him?”
“You really need to stop taunting me,” I warn her, and she shrugs.
“I know it is. Look, I probably shouldn’t have said that, but you were a dick first, remember?” When I don’t respond, she continues. “Let’s call a truce here. I’ll buy you a drink, and you can cry over Tessa while I brag about how good Lillian is with her tongue.” She walks over to me and tugs at my sleeve, trying to drag me across the street. I can see the cheesy multicolored lantern lights on top of the tin roof of the small bar from here.
I jerk my arm away from her. “I need to get Tessa.”
“One drink, and then I’ll come with you as backup.” Riley’s words mimic my thoughts from a few minutes ago.
I tilt my head to the side and stare at her. “Christ, I’m just fucking with you. She’s at the restaurant down the road with her parents.”
Riley raises her head and stops. “Okay, and how do you know her?”
“Met her yesterday. Her dad went to college with mine, I guess. Does she know you’re here?”
“No, I’ve been trying to get hold of her,” she says and gestures at the woods surrounding us. “But since she’s out in the middle of fucking nowhere, she hasn’t been answering. Probably her shitsucker of a dad keeping her from talking.”
I sigh. “Yeah, he is that. Is he even going to let you see her?”
She scowls at me. “Aren’t you nosy as hell?” But then she smirks proudly. “Yeah, he will. He’s a dick, but he’s even more of a pussy, and he’s afraid of me.”
Headlights flash out in the darkness, and I step onto the grass. “That’s them,” I tell her.
Shortly, the car pulls into the driveway and comes to a halt. Lillian practically jumps out the door and into Riley’s arms.
“How did you get here?” she practically squeals.
“I drove,” her girlfriend answers drily.
“How did you find me? I haven’t had service all week.” She nuzzles into her girlfriend’s neck, and I watch as Riley’s tough-girl exterior begins to crack. Her hand moves up and down against Lillian’s back lovingly.
“It’s a small place, baby. It wasn’t too hard.” She pulls back a little to look at Lillian’s face. “Is your dad going to give me shit for coming?”
“No. Well, maybe. But you know he won’t make you leave.”
I force out a cough, feeling awkward standing there watching this reunion. “Okay, well, I’m going to go,” I say and begin to walk off.
“Bye,” Riley says. Lillian doesn’t say anything.
After a few minutes, I reach the gate to my father’s cabin and walk up the driveway. Tessa will be here any minute, and I want to be inside before the SUV pulls into the driveway. She’ll be crying, I’m sure, and I’ll have to come up with an apology to make her stop and listen to me.
I barely make it to the porch when Karen and Lillian’s mother step out of the car. “Where is everyone else?” I ask her, my eyes searching for Tess.
“Oh, well, your dad and Landon rode back with Max to watch some game on television.”
“Where’s Tessa?” Panic rises in my chest.
“She’s back at the restaurant.”
“What?” What the fuck. This isn’t how it’s supposed to go.
“She’s with him, isn’t she?” I ask the two women, even though I already know the answer. She’s with the blond asshole with the sheriff for a father.
“Yeah, she is,” Karen says, and if I wasn’t stuck out in the middle of nowhere with her, I’d cuss her out for the small smile she’s trying to hide.
chapter forty-three
TESSA
So that’s basically the story of my life,” Robert ends with a grin. His smile is warm and honest—almost childlike, but in the most endearing way.
“That was . . . interesting.” I reach for the wine bottle on the table and lift it to fill my glass. Nothing comes out.
“Liar,” he teases, and I burst into wine-induced giggles. His life story was short and sweet. Not plain really, not exciting, just normal. He grew up with both parents: his mother the schoolteacher, his father the sheriff. After graduating from the small college two towns away, he decided to go to medical school. He’s only working here now because he’s on the wait list to get into the medical program at the University of Washington. Well, that and he makes pretty good money working at the most expensive restaurant around.
“You should have gone to WCU instead,” I tell him, and he shakes his head. He stands up from the table and puts his index finger in the air to pause our conversation. I sit back in the chair while I wait for him to return. I rest my head against the wooden chair and look up. The ceiling in this small section is painted with clouds, castles, and cherubs. The figure directly above me is sleeping, with pink staining her cheeks and blond curly hair topping her head. Her small white wings lay almost flat in slumber. Next to her, a boy—at least I assume it’s a boy—stares at her, watching her with his black wings spread behind him.
Hardin.
“No way,” Robert says suddenly, interrupting my thoughts. “Even if I wanted to, they don’t offer the program I need. Plus, the medical program is part of the main campus in Seattle. At WCU, your Seattle campus is much smaller.” When I lift my head up, I see he has a new bottle of wine in his hands.
“Have you been there? To the campus?” I ask him, eager to learn more about my new location. I’m even more eager to stop staring at creepy images of baby angels on the ceiling.
“Yeah, only once. It’s small but it’s nice.”
“I’m supposed to be there on Monday, and I have nowhere to live.” I laugh. I know my poor planning shouldn’t be funny, but right now it feels that way.
“This Monday? As in today is Thursday and Monday is right around the corner?”
“Yep.” I nod.
“What about the dorms?” he asks as he uncorks the bottle.
Living in the dorms never crossed my mind, not even once. I had assumed . . . well, hoped . . . that Hardin would be accompanying me, so they weren’t on my radar.
“I don’t want to live on campus, especially now that I know how it feels to live on my own.”
He nods and starts pouring. “True, once you get a taste of freedom, you can’t go back.”
“So true. If Hardin went to Seattle . . .” I stop myself. “Never mind.”
“So were you guys planning on trying the long-distance thing?”
“No, it would never work,” I say, feeling an ache rise in my chest. “The short-distance thing barely even works for us.” I need to change the subject before I end up a blubbering mess. “Blubbering,” what a strange word.
“Blubbering,” I say while pinching my lips between my thumb and index finger.
“Entertaining yourself?” Robert smiles and places a full cup of wine before me. I nod, still laughing. “I have to say, this is the most fun I’ve had at work in a while.”
“Me, too,” I agree. “Well, if I worked here.” I’m making no sense at all. “I don’t drink often—well, more now than I ever did before—but not enough to have built a tolerance, so I get drunk pret-ty fast,” I sing, lifting my cup in front of my face.
“I’m the same. I’m not much of a drinker, but when a beautiful girl is having a bad night, I make an exception,” he says bravely, but then flushes terribly. “I just meant . . . ahh . . .” He covers his face with his hands. “I don’t seem to have a filter around you.”
I reach across the table and lower his hands from his face; he flinches slightly, and when he looks up at me his blue eyes are so clear.
“It’s like I can tell what you’re thinking,” I say aloud, without a thought.
“Maybe you can,” he whispers in response, and his tongue darts out to wet his lips.
I know he wants to kiss me; I can read it on his face. I can see it in his honest eyes. Hardin’s eyes are so guarded all the time I have to struggle to be able to read him, and even then I’ve never been able to read him the way I want to, the way I need to. I lean closer to Robert, the small table still between us as he leans forward, too.
“If I didn’t love him so much, I’d kiss you,” I quietly say, not pulling back but not moving any closer. As drunk as I am, and as angry as I am at Hardin, I can’t do it. I can’t kiss this other guy. I want to, but I can’t.
The left corner of his mouth lifts into a crooked smile. “And if I didn’t know how much you love him, I’d let you.”
“Okay . . .” I’m not sure what else to say, and I’m drunk and awkward, and I don’t know how to act around anyone other than Hardin
“I’m sorry.” I sit back down on the chair, and he does the same.
“Don’t be. I’d much rather you not kiss me than kiss me and regret it.”
“You’re strange,” I tell him. I wish I’d chosen a different word, but it’s too late now. “In a good way,” I correct myself.
“So are you.” He chuckles. “When I first saw you in that dress, I thought you were going to be some snobby rich girl with no personality at all.”
“Well, sorry. I’m surely not rich.” I laugh.
“Or snobby,” he adds.
“My personality isn’t too bad.” I shrug.
“It will do,” he teases with a smile.
“You’re awfully nice.”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“I don’t know.” I start poking at my cup. “Sorry, I know I sound like an idiot.”
He looks puzzled for a moment, then says, “You don’t sound like an idiot. And you don’t have to keep apologizing.”
“What do you mean?” I ask. I’m vaguely aware that I have now picked apart the rim of the Styrofoam cup; small pieces of white litter the table in front of me.
“You keep apologizing for everything you say. You’ve said ‘sorry’ at least ten times in the last hour. You haven’t done anything wrong, so you don’t have anything to apologize for.”
I’m embarrassed by his words, but his eyes are so kind and his voice doesn’t hold even a sliver of annoyance or judgment. “I’m sorry . . .” I say again reflexively. “See! I don’t know why I do that.” I smooth a loose lock of hair behind my ear.
“I can guess, but I won’t. Just know that you shouldn’t have to,” he states simply.
I take a deep breath and let it out. It’s relaxing to have a conversation with someone without worrying about upsetting them the entire time.
“Anyway, tell me more about your new job in Seattle,” he says, and I’m thankful for the subject change.
chapter forty-four
HARDIN
Where do you think I’m going?” I yell up the walk at Karen, tossing my hands in the air out of frustration.
She walks partway back down the porch steps, then says, “I don’t mean to butt in, Hardin, but don’t you think you should leave her be . . . for once? I really don’t want to upset you, but I don’t think anything good will come out of you going down there and causing a scene. I know you want to see her, but—”
“You don’t know anything,” I snap, and my father’s wife pulls her head back a little.
“I’m sorry, Hardin, but I think you need to leave her be for tonight,” she says, like she’s my mother.
“Oh, why? So she can fucking cheat on me?” Frustrated fingers tug at the roots of my hair. Tessa’s already had one glass—one and a half glasses, to be exact—at dinner, and Lord knows she can’t handle alcohol.
“If that’s what you think of her . . .” Karen begins but stops herself. “Never mind, go on, then—like always.” She looks at Max’s wife once, then adjusts her knee-length dress. “Just be careful, dear,” she says with a forced smile and goes up the stairs with her friend.
That headache gone, I continue on with my original plan and march toward the restaurant. I’ll drag Tessa out of there—not literally, of course, but she will come with me. This whole thing is bullshit, and it’s all because I forgot to put on a fucking condom. That’s what started this whole spiraling mess we’re in. I could have called Sandra earlier and corrected the apartment shit, or I could have found Tessa another place to live . . . but that wouldn’t work either. Seattle can’t happen. It’s taking longer to convince Tessa than I imagined it would, and now it’s all even more complicated.
I’m still shocked that she didn’t get out of the car with Karen and whatever Lillian’s mum’s name is. I was positive that she’d be upset and ready to talk to me. It’s that waiter—what kind of influence did he manage to have on her that would make her stay at the restaurant instead of coming with me? What did she see in him?
Needing to collect my thoughts for a minute, I stop and sit down on one of the large rocks decorating the edge of the yard. Maybe barging in there isn’t the best idea. Maybe I should get Landon to go inside and get her. She listens to him much more than she does me. But then I curse at my stupid idea because I know he won’t go for it, and, taking his mum’s side, he’ll make me look weak and tell me to leave her alone.
I can’t, though. Sitting on this cold-ass rock for twenty minutes has made it worse, not better. All I can think about is the way she stepped back away from me on the deck and how she was so carefree laughing with him.
What will I say to her? He seems like the kind of asshole who’ll try to stop me from making her leave. I won’t have to hit him; if I yell enough, she’ll come with me to avoid a fight. I hope. She hasn’t done what I predicted so far tonight.
This is all so juvenile: my behavior, my manipulation of her feelings. I know it—I just don’t know what to do about it. I love her—fuck, do I love that girl. But I’m running out of ways to keep her close to me.
In reality it seems like you have her trapped, and that’s why she won’t leave you: not because she loves you, but because you’ve made her feel that she can’t be without you.
Lillian’s words play like a broken record through my mind as I get up and head past the end of the driveway. It’s cold as fuck outside now, and this stupid shirt is too thin. Tessa didn’t bring a jacket to dinner with her, and that dress—that dress—is skimpy and she’ll definitely be cold. I should probably grab her a jacket . . .
What if he offers her his jacket? Jealousy courses through me, and I ball my fists at the thought.
. . . you have her trapped, and that’s why she won’t leave you: not because she loves you . . .
Fucking Tessa Number Two and her bullshit psychotherapy. She doesn’t even know what she’s talking about. Tessa does love me. I see it in her blue-gray eyes every time she looks at me. I feel it on her fingertips as she traces over the ink stained into my skin. I feel it when her lips touch mine. I know the difference between love and being trapped, between love and being addicted.
I swallow the slight panic that threatens to overtake me again. She loves me. She does. Tessa loves me. If she didn’t, I wouldn’t know how to handle it. I couldn’t. I need her to love me and be there for me. I’ve never let anyone get as close to me as she is; she’s the only person that I know will always love me unconditionally. Even my mum gets sick of my shit sometimes, but Tessa always forgives me, and no matter what I do she’s always there for me when I need her. That stubborn, obnoxious, uncompromising girl is my entire world.
“What are you doing, creep?” I hear from the darkness.
“You have got to be fucking kidding me,” I groan and turn to find Riley walking down the driveway of Max’s cabin. I need to be paying more attention. I didn’t even notice her coming toward me.
“You’re the one out here stalking the damn driveway,” she fires back.
“Where’s Lillian?”
“Not your concern. Where’s Tessa?” she says with a smirk. Lillian must have told her about our fight. Lovely.
“Not your concern. Why are you out here?”
“Why are you?” Riley clearly has an attitude problem.
“Do you have to be such a bitch?”
She nods exaggeratedly a few times. “Yeah. I do, actually.” I figured she’d chew my head off for calling her a bitch, but she doesn’t seem to mind; I’m sure she knows she is. “And I’m out here because Lillian just fell asleep. And between her dad, your dad, and your dorky-ass brother, I’m ready to puke.”
“So what, you thought you’d walk around in the dark in the middle of February?”
“I’m wearing a coat.” She tugs at the bottom of her garment to prove he
“Why don’t you drive, then?”
“Because I want to drink. And do I look like someone who wants to spend their weekend in jail?” she scoffs, walking past me. She looks back without stopping. “Where’re you going?”
“To get Tessa; she’s hanging out with . . . never mind.” I’m sick of telling people my fucking business.
Now Riley does stop. “You’re an asshole for not telling her that Lil is gay.”
“Of course she told you,” I say.
“She tells me everything. That was a major dick move.”
“It’s a long story.”
“You won’t move to Seattle with Tessa, and now”—she flips her hair over her shoulder—“she’s probably giving that blond dude a blow job in the bathroom of—”
I step toward her, anger boiling in my veins. “Shut the fuck up. Now. Don’t you fucking dare say shit like that to me.” I have to remember that even though she has a mouth like mine, she is a female and I would never take it there.
Unfazed by my outburst, she replies calmly, “Don’t like that much, do you? Maybe you’d do best to remember that next time you make some snarky-ass comment about fucking my girlfriend.”
My breathing falters, deep and out of control. I can’t stop thinking about Tessa’s full lips touching him. I tug at my hair again and turn in a circle.
“It’s driving you crazy, isn’t it? Her being with him?”
“You really need to stop taunting me,” I warn her, and she shrugs.
“I know it is. Look, I probably shouldn’t have said that, but you were a dick first, remember?” When I don’t respond, she continues. “Let’s call a truce here. I’ll buy you a drink, and you can cry over Tessa while I brag about how good Lillian is with her tongue.” She walks over to me and tugs at my sleeve, trying to drag me across the street. I can see the cheesy multicolored lantern lights on top of the tin roof of the small bar from here.
I jerk my arm away from her. “I need to get Tessa.”
“One drink, and then I’ll come with you as backup.” Riley’s words mimic my thoughts from a few minutes ago.