Armageddon Outta Here by Derek Landy
“Why didn’t he make me better?” he asked as Skulduggery continued to tap.
Valkyrie looked at him. “What do you mean?”
Ryan’s laugh came out of nowhere and didn’t last long. “I mean, look at me. Why didn’t he make me cooler, or smarter, or better-looking? He was creating a whole new person, right? So why did he make him as rubbish as me?”
“You’re… you’re not rubbish, Ryan.”
“Yes, I am. I’m fat and ugly and useless.”
“Skulduggery,” Valkyrie said, “tell him.”
Skulduggery stopped tapping the wall, and looked at Ryan. “Deacon made someone who would blend in with the background, someone too unexceptional to notice.”
Valkyrie shook her head. “You’re meant to make him feel better.”
“I’m about to,” Skulduggery said. “He made you unexceptional, Ryan. He made you normal. As normal as he could. And in doing so, he has single-handedly proven how exceptional normal people can be. When we were at Deacon’s apartment, you could have run and left Valkyrie and myself to fight them off ourselves. But you turned back. You turned back to help. You stood up to terrifying people who want to kill the world, who would snap you in two and tear you apart and not lose one wink of sleep over it, and you did so without training or magic. You did so because you are a good person, and you have true courage. You have the kind of courage Deacon Maybury himself never had. He made you the most normal boy he could, and inadvertently he made you so much better than he could ever hope to be.”
“Oh,” Valkyrie said, “well… OK, that’s better than I thought it was going to be. How are you feeling now, Ryan?”
Ryan looked at her. “I’m feeling pretty special, actually,” he said, and she laughed.
Skulduggery pressed his thumbs into the wall, and a large section slid to one side. Instead of the mass of wires that Ryan expected, however, there was a carving of the key in the centre of what looked like a complicated metal maze.
“Oh, good,” Skulduggery said.
Valkyrie peered closer. “Is it going to be easy to dismantle?”
“Not in the slightest.”
“Do you think you can manage it?”
Skulduggery tapped his chin. “Only with an inordinate amount of luck.”
“So we should probably wait for an expert.”
“Good God, no,” Skulduggery said, jerking his head around. “Where’s the fun in that?”
“But… but if you get it wrong, we might all die.”
“Yes, that is true, but I probably won’t get it wrong.”
Valkyrie’s eyes flickered to Ryan, then back to Skulduggery. “You probably won’t?”
“The odds are in my favour.”
“Really?”
“Almost.”
“I vote we wait for an expert.”
“But that might take twenty minutes or longer, Valkyrie.”
“So? It’s not like it’s counting down or anything. We have all the time in the world.”
“And there’s no time like the present. Ryan, I’m going to need you to press your hand against the carving. I’ll guide you every step of the way from then on.”
Valkyrie’s tone was firm. “Skulduggery. We are calling this in and then we’re waiting for a bomb-disposal expert.”
“What will he know that I don’t?”
“About the disposal of bombs? Lots.”
Skulduggery waved a hand dismissively. “Bombs are simple things. They’re designed to go off. What we have to do in order to thwart the bomb is to stop it from going off. What could be more straightforward?”
Valkyrie’s fingers closed round Ryan’s wrist and she pulled him away. “We are waiting for an expert.”
“I think we should let him try,” said a voice from behind them. They spun, saw Foe and his gang walking up. Foe was grinning. “It might save us the bother of destroying the world ourselves.”
alkyrie stepped in front of Ryan, and Skulduggery straightened his tie. “Excellent,” he said. “You’ve fallen right into our trap.”
Foe looked around at the otherwise empty mall, eyebrow raised. “This is a trap, is it? So this is the bit where all the Cleavers appear? This is the part where we surrender due to being completely outnumbered and you cart us off to our cells?”
“Roughly, yes.”
Foe’s grin grew wider. “Has the trap been sprung yet?”
“I’m simply not going to dignify that with an answer,” said Skulduggery.
Standing behind Obloquy, Samuel was sweating badly. Ryan could see the lines of tension on his face. He looked to be in pain.
“Your pet doesn’t look too good,” Valkyrie said.
Foe glanced back, then shrugged. “When the sun goes down, all a vampire wants to do is rip off his skin and kill everything in sight. Right now, the only thing keeping all of us safe is the last drop of a serum he took. Your boyfriend took something similar, didn’t he? What was his name? Caelan?”
Valkyrie’s shoulders stiffened and her voice grew harder. “He was not my boyfriend.”
“Bad break-up, was it? Actually, don’t answer that. I heard it was. Bad for him more than you, though, wasn’t it?”
“We don’t talk about vampires,” Ryan muttered.
Foe smiled and Mercy laughed. “See?” she said. “Told you he fancies her.”
“So what if he does?” Valkyrie snapped back. “He’s a nice guy. After we’ve smacked you lot around, we may as well give it a go. What’s the matter, Mercy – jealous that two people can like each other when nobody in their right mind would ever like you?”
Mercy glared. “Plenty have liked me.”
“Yeah,” Valkyrie said, “I’ve heard.”
The glare turned to a scowl. “Not like that.”
“You don’t have to justify yourself to me.”
“Says the girl who dated a vampire.”
“Says the psycho who dated everyone.”
“Detective Pleasant,” Foe said, interrupting the conversation just when it was getting interesting, “you’ve gone suspiciously quiet. It’s not like you to miss an argument.”
“Carry on,” Skulduggery said, his head down. “Don’t mind me…”
Foe frowned. “What are you doing?”
Skulduggery waited a moment, then looked up, and showed them his phone. “Just sending a message. Reinforcements should be here soon.”
Obloquy sagged. “I told you we should have just attacked them,” he rumbled. “But, no, you wanted to talk and trade witty banter.”
“Shut up, Obloquy,” Foe said. “Fine, Detective. You want to skip straight to business? Fine with me. Kill them.”
Valkyrie pushed Ryan back slightly as Obloquy headed for her and Mercy zeroed in on Skulduggery.
“Oh, sure,” Valkyrie said, “I’ll take the big one, no problem.”
Foe stayed where he was, his eyes on Ryan. Behind him, Samuel sweated.
Mercy opened her mouth and Skulduggery ducked the stream of energy that carved a furrow across the wall behind him. He dodged behind a pillar, but the stream intensified, melting right through the pillar and taking Skulduggery’s hat off his head.
Obloquy pressed his hands to his temples and he squeezed, like he wanted to pop his own head open. Valkyrie staggered. She fell to one knee, bringing up her own hands like she was trying to shield herself. Ryan wanted to run and help, but now Foe was walking towards him.
“This doesn’t have to hurt,” Foe said.
Ryan turned, ran up the still travelator, swung around at the top and ran up the next one. He was halfway up when he started to seriously regret his choice. His legs were already screaming at him and his lungs were burning. He’d never been able to run for any length of time – not even in the school that he remembered but had never actually attended.
He glanced down, saw Skulduggery waving a hand and Mercy flying backwards. Valkyrie was on both knees now, with Obloquy standing directly over her. Darkness pulsed from the ring on her f
Staggering slightly, Ryan ran on, no idea where he was going or what he would do when he got there. The mall was terrifying at night. The few lights that were on cast the deepest shadows. Anyone could be hiding in those shadows.
Foe stepped out ahead of him and Ryan yelled and changed course and ran into a potted plant, tripped over it and sprawled on to the floor.
“I’d ask you to activate the Machine,” Foe said, walking up, “but I don’t have the time for an argument. So I’m going to be rude. I hope you don’t mind, me being rude. It’s nothing personal. I’m not going to kill you. Don’t think I’m going to kill you. I’m just going to cut off your hand a little bit. You might die from blood loss or trauma or shock – let’s not kid ourselves – but you will not die from me cutting off your hand. When you think about it like that, you have nothing to fear from me or my giant knife.”
Foe took a machete from his jacket.
Ryan crawled away on his hands and knees, panting too hard to get up.
“I know some people say they like the thrill of the chase,” Foe said, stepping on Ryan’s ankle and pinning it there, “but I’m not one of those people. The only thing I care about is ending this world.”
Ryan collapsed, and rolled over on to his back. “Why?” he gasped. “Why do you want to… want to kill everyone?”
Foe looked down at him, and shrugged. “Because it’s Wednesday.”
The machete swung down and Ryan screamed and Skulduggery crashed into Foe from behind. They both went stumbling off. Ryan sat up, looking at his hand, making sure it was still there. He realised he was still screaming so he stopped that and looked around. Skulduggery kicked at Foe’s knee, grabbed his head when he bent forward and cracked it against a narrow pillar. Foe staggered and swung a fist, but Skulduggery stepped inside the swing, latched on and started hitting him with elbows. It was all very violent. Ryan’s mother, if she’d existed, would not have approved.
“Skulduggery!” Valkyrie shouted from below them.
“Ryan,” Skulduggery muttered, as Foe grabbed him round the waist and slammed him back against the wall, “could you take a look and see what she’s shouting about now?”
Ryan got up, hurried to the railing, looked over. Mercy and Obloquy were down and not moving, but Valkyrie was backing away from Samuel, who was lurching towards her, bent over like he had stomach cramps.
Ryan looked back. Foe had his arm wrapped around Skulduggery’s neck from behind, and he was dragging him like he wanted to pull Skulduggery’s head from his spinal column. Skulduggery twisted but Foe adapted, turning his hold into a headlock. Skulduggery reached up, his gloved fingers digging into Foe’s eyes. Foe jerked away and lost his grip and Skulduggery pushed against him, tripping him with a sneaky sweep to the ankle. Foe went down and Skulduggery landed on top of him.
“Well?” Skulduggery asked as he pounded Foe with punches.
“Uh, I don’t know,” said Ryan. “Samuel looks like he’s about to throw up.”
Surprisingly, Skulduggery and Foe stopped fighting and they both looked over.
“He’s doubled over?” Foe asked, panting for breath.
“Yeah,” said Ryan.
Foe looked at Skulduggery, and they both stood up.
“You’re on your own,” Foe said, and ran.
Ryan frowned, looked down at Samuel again. Samuel’s moan of pain drifted up, and then suddenly it turned to a growl. Samuel straightened, digging his fingers into his shirt and ripping it open. No, not just his shirt. His skin, too. Samuel ripped his flesh and his clothes from his body, from the bone-white body that lay beneath. His hands, and even from where he stood, Ryan could see the claws on those hands, tore Samuel’s face off and threw it to one side, revealing the smooth head and big black eyes and jagged, jagged teeth.
Valkyrie turned and ran, and the vampire bounded after her. Something blurred out of the corner of Ryan’s eye and suddenly Skulduggery was vaulting over the railing and dropping to the ground far below.
Ryan ran for the travelator, heading down, heading down to help Valkyrie. He heard her cry out and nearly tripped, nearly went head first. There was a crash of breaking glass and Ryan glimpsed Skulduggery disappearing through a shop window. He was almost at the ground floor when he saw her, saw Valkyrie, hurling fireballs and whipping shadows at the vampire that came at her like a wild animal. It twisted in mid-air, avoiding the slash of darkness Valkyrie sent its way. It landed on her, took her down, its claws raking across her body. She gasped and it raked again, and again, trying to get through her protective clothing, trying to rend flesh and puncture skin, trying to draw blood.
“Hey!” Ryan screamed, running into full view of the monster. “Hey, you! Hey! Come and get me! Come on!”
The vampire snapped its head up, snarling.
“I’ve got what you want!” Ryan shouted, holding up his imprinted palm. If Samuel the man was still in there somewhere, maybe he’d remember why all this was going on in the first place. Maybe he’d remember that Ryan was the real target. Or maybe the vampire would just see an easy kill and—
The vampire leaped off Valkyrie. Ryan howled in terror and started running again. He glanced back in time to see its claws and its teeth and feel the rush of air as it swooped up and over him.
Ryan’s feet got mixed up and he tripped over himself. He sat on the ground, looking up. The vampire hung in the air, looking down. It writhed and snarled, slashed at him with its claws.
Skulduggery walked over, hands open, fingers flexing slightly as he held the creature in place. His suit was torn and his tie was crooked. Valkyrie limped over, holding his hat. She showed it to him, and he groaned. There was a large hole burned through the top.
The vampire snarled at them all.
Skulduggery raised his arms, and the vampire rose in the air. Higher and higher it went, up past every floor. Valkyrie took Ryan’s arm, escorted him to the benches. When the vampire couldn’t rise any higher, Skulduggery dropped his hands quickly, and the vampire plunged downwards.
“This won’t kill it,” Valkyrie told Ryan as the vampire fell. “But it’ll break enough bones to stop it from bothering us.”
The vampire hit the ground with a satisfying thwack, and didn’t get up.
Skulduggery examined his poor hat, and laid it to one side. “Ryan,” he said, “I know you’ve been through a lot, but there is the small matter of dismantling a bomb to get through, and then I’ll let you rest. I promise.”
ith Skulduggery’s guidance, Ryan dismantled the Doomsday Machine. He rendered each and every part of it inert. When it was done, when the last piece was made useless, his hand started to burn. He hissed, looked at his palm, and the imprint faded to nothing.
“Well done, Ryan,” Skulduggery said. “You saved the world.”
“You knew exactly what to do,” Ryan said. “You did know how to dismantle it after all.”
“I’m glad you got that impression,” Skulduggery said kindly. “But really I could have just as easily killed us all. Still, it’s better than waiting around for the experts, isn’t it?”
He took a set of handcuffs from his belt and went to shackle the unconscious prisoners, leaving Ryan and Valkyrie alone.
“How long do I have?” Ryan asked.
Valkyrie hesitated. “Skulduggery said… he said that as soon as this was over, one way or the other, Deacon’s personality would start to reassert itself.”
“So I don’t have long,” Ryan said quietly.
“I’m… I’m afraid not.”
Ryan nodded. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t trust his voice not to break.
“You probably saved my life b
Ryan managed a smile. “Maybe it’s something you’ll remember me for.”
“I definitely think so.”
“I don’t feel very brave right now. To be honest, I kind of feel like crying.”
Valkyrie’s hand rested on his shoulder.
“I really don’t want to die,” Ryan said. He was crying now. He didn’t care. The only thing he cared about was that in a few moments he wouldn’t be here any more. He wouldn’t exist. They’d stopped Foe and the others from destroying the world, but Ryan’s world was ending just the same. “It’s not fair. How come Deacon gets to live and I don’t?”
“I don’t know,” Valkyrie said softly.
“Isn’t there anything you can do? Maybe Skulduggery can do something? Maybe he knows someone who can, who can block Deacon from coming back or…”
“I’m sorry, Ryan,” Valkyrie said. She was crying, too. This pretty girl with the single dimple when she smiled, she was crying for him. This pretty girl who would never go out with a guy like Ryan, not in a million years, was sitting here with her arm round him, and they were crying together.
He fought to control his sobs. When he could speak, he spoke quietly. “Could I have that kiss now?”
She looked at him. “Definitely,” she said, and leaned in. He turned his head slightly, didn’t know if he should close his eyes or keep them open, but when their lips met his eyes closed. His first kiss in fifteen years of false memories. His only kiss in fifteen hours of real life.
They parted. His head was clouded. His thoughts were fuzzy.
“I really like you, Valkyrie,” he managed to mumble.
“I really like you, Ryan,” she said back to him.
Ryan smiled and tried to kiss her again, this pretty girl with the dimple, what was her name again, Valkyrie, that was it, seventeen years old and cute as a button, the kind of girl who had never even noticed Deacon when he was that age. He grinned and leaned in and felt her hand against his chest, keeping him back, and then her eyes were narrowing.