Armageddon Outta Here by Derek Landy
The insect landed on the ground in front of its box, its prison for all those years. Pleasant looked down at it, then moved slightly and knelt on the insect and squished it.
Scaramouch screamed and the door burst open and Valkyrie Cain stepped into the dungeon.
“What the hell is going on here?” she asked.
Scaramouch charged at her and the girl closed her eyes and flexed her fingers. Her eyes and hand snapped open and the air around her rippled. Scaramouch was hurled back off his feet. He crashed into the far wall, hitting his head and collapsing with a groan. He heard the girl and the detective talking, and he heard the chains being unlocked. Moaning, he turned over and looked up at them.
“It was a trick,” he said. “You really were here to stop me, weren’t you? You really were here to foil my plan. This is the last time, you hear me? I will escape whatever prison you send me to, and the next time we meet you will pay for—”
“Who’s this?” Valkyrie Cain asked.
Scaramouch paled. “What? What do you mean, who am I?”
“His name’s Scaramouch Van Dreg,” Pleasant told her.
“She knows who I am!” Scaramouch shrieked. “I am your deadliest enemy!”
Cain raised an eyebrow but ignored him. “Has he got anything to do with Fines and Nocturnal?”
“Nope.”
“Then why are we wasting our time? Come on, we’ve got real bad guys to stop.”
Cain walked out. Skulduggery Pleasant looked down at Scaramouch and shrugged.
“I’ll just chain you up for the moment, but the Cleavers will be around soon to take you into custody. Is that all right with you?”
Scaramouch started crying.
“Good man. Don’t let this get you down, though. We all need goals, and I fully expect to do battle with you again, OK?”
Scaramouch wailed.
“We need more villains like you, you know that? We need more bad guys who want to take over the world. There aren’t enough of them. The others think it’s just, you know… silly.”
Scaramouch felt the shackles on his wrists. He had to look up to watch Skulduggery Pleasant leave the dungeon.
he cemetery was cold and dark, and the dead man was standing on his grave, watching her as she approached.
“Hello,” she said.
The clothes he had been buried in were torn and musty, his shoes caked with mud. He stood with a slight stoop and he had, for the most part, skin and hair. The middle of his face had rotted, however, robbing him of lips and nose and eyelids.
“You’re late,” he grumbled. “Midnight has come and gone.”
“Sorry about that.”
“Lives hang in the balance. You’re lucky I stayed.”
“Yes, I am.”
“You are Valkyrie Cain.”
“That’s right.”
“Thirteen years old, Elemental by power, partner of the skeleton detective, and late.”
“I suppose.”
“You’re lucky I stayed.”
“So you said.”
“I could have left, you know. One minute past midnight, when you weren’t here, I could have walked away. I didn’t have to wait here for you. I was under no obligation. But I stayed, because I have no wish to see innocent lives taken.”
“You’re a corpse,” Valkyrie said. “Where were you going to go?”
He glared at her, but didn’t answer.
He started walking, shuffling off his grave, up towards the ruined church. She followed.
“I thought the skeleton would be with you,” the dead man said as they walked.
“We’re quite busy at the moment, so Skulduggery had to stay behind. I said I’d take care of this one on my own.”
He looked back, and she was thankful the moon was only a sliver, for his face was mostly hidden. “Maybe you underestimate what awaits.”
“No, I think I’ve got it. Three babies snatched from their cots, being held by a family of goblins who want to exchange them for gold. Fairly straightforward.”
“If you fully realised the danger you are walking into, you would not be so calm.”
“Ah, I’m sure I would. They’re goblins, you know? How bad can they be?”
“They were not always goblins,” the dead man said, irritation in his voice. “The Muldoons were sorcerers, descended from a long line of the most powerful mages the world had ever seen. They were rumoured to be descended from the Ancients themselves.”
“That was disproved,” Valkyrie said.
“What?”
“I asked Skulduggery about that. He said the Muldoons reinvented their own family tree in a sad attempt to appear threatening, and then they actually started to believe their own lies.”
“If you know so much,” the dead man scowled, “then why are you asking me?”
“Oh, right, sorry. Please go on.”
The corpse muttered something under his breath, then resumed. “The father died, and the mother went insane, but the children maintained the belief that, because of their heritage, they should be the rulers of the world. They believed in the inherent superiority of those who wield magic, and they despised the mortals, whom they saw as pedestrian and drab.”
“Why are they called mortals?” asked Valkyrie.
“What?”
“I’ve been wondering that. Non-magical people, I mean, why are they called mortals? Sorcerers are mortal, too.”
“Sorcerers don’t claim any different.”
“But by calling non-magical people mortal, it’s like they’re implying that they themselves are immortal. And they’re not – magic just makes them live longer.”
The dead man stopped suddenly and turned. His brows were furrowed across his unblinking eyes. “Do you want to hear the story of the Muldoons or not?” he asked.
“Sure. Sorry.”
He grunted, then turned and carried on towards the church. The breeze caught the mustiness of his clothes and brought it down to her. “The Council of Elders identified the Muldoons as the sorcerers behind a spate of attacks on mortals. In an effort to keep the mortals safe, and to keep the magical communities hidden, the Muldoons were ambushed, and although they escaped, they were not unharmed.”
“This is my favourite bit,” Valkyrie said. “This is when they get turned into goblins, right?”
“Correct. Over the years they have amassed a collection of gold, for gold is the only thing that could return them to human form, but it has not been enough.”
“So they started stealing babies.”
“Yes.”
They arrived at the ruined church. The dead man looked at her “My role is almost fulfilled. I agreed to make the introductions and witness that both parties keep their side of the bargain. There are innocent lives at stake.”
“So you keep saying.”
“Earlier, I was with the goblins, and I saw that the three babies were safe and well. Thus far, they have kept their word. And you, Valkyrie Cain, are you here with gold?”
“Yes, I am.”
“May I see it?” the dead man asked.
“No, you may not.”
“And why not?”
“Because it’s not for you to see.”
The dead man looked at her, and he gave the slightest of nods. “Very well.”
He turned to the open door of the church, and spoke loudly. “It is I, and I stand with the girl, the Elemental and the partner of the skeleton detective, and although she is late she is here, which is the important thing, and we are moving on. I ask that the exchange take place, the three innocent lives for the gold she claims to possess, though as of yet I have not seen it. If it makes a difference, she has an honest face, although her eyes are as dark as her hair. Will you bid her enter?”
Torches flared in wall brackets inside the ruin, beating the darkness back. The dead man stepped away.
“You may enter,” he said.
“You’re not coming?”
“No.”
“You wo
“Why would I do that? I’m dead. What do I have to gain? I can’t leave this graveyard. There is nothing that brings me joy any more, there is no pleasure to be had, there is nothing I can use so there is nothing that I want. I am empty. My existence is a shallow thing of coldness and—”
“OK,” Valkyrie interrupted, “I get it. You’re miserable, fine. I’ll go in now.”
The dead man shrugged. Valkyrie left him there and stepped into the church.
Part of the roof had caved in, and her boots brushed rubble as she walked. Her boots, like the trousers she wore, and the tunic and the coat, were made of impenetrable materials that had saved her life on numerous occasions. Everything she wore was black, and it was a black that melted into the shadows and hid her from unsuspecting eyes. It wasn’t hiding her tonight, however. Every move she made was being watched. She could feel eyes on her.
There were a few broken pews in the church, but no altar, and no decoration. The flickering torches reflected off wet patches on the stone walls where the rain had fallen.
Valkyrie stopped walking.
“Hello?” she called. “Goblins?”
“Gold,” came the voice from behind her.
She turned slowly, making no sudden moves.
The goblin was maybe up to her shoulder, short and squat and distressingly ugly. He had large bulbous eyes and a long bulbous nose, and his nostril hair mingled with a moustache in a way that was far from appealing. His green skin looked unhealthy in the torchlight, afflicted as it was with sores and boils. He wore a filthy grey suit that had lost all the buttons from the jacket. His belly protruded. Hair sprouted from his belly button.
“Give us the gold,” he said.
“Give me the babies,” she told him. “Then you get your gold.”
He shook his head. “Give us the gold, then you get the babies.”
“How do I know the babies are here? I can’t hear them crying.”
“Maybe they’re happy.”
“Then show me them smiling.”
The goblin scratched his belly thoughtfully. “Compromise,” he said.
“OK.”
“We’ll give you half now, you give us the gold, and then we give you the other half.”
“There are three babies. How do you give me half?”
He shrugged. “Chop a baby in two.”
“You know, even for a goblin, that’s disturbed. Bring the kids out, right now, or I walk away with the gold.”
The goblin growled in displeasure. “Colm,” he said, “Fintan, bring them out.”
From behind him, two more goblins emerged. Valkyrie was amazed to realise that the first goblin was the handsome one of the family. His brothers wore rags, torn and dirty, and they carried the babies between them. The babies had dummies jammed in their mouths.
“See?” the first goblin said. “Alive, uneaten, and not chopped or anything. Now, the gold.”
Valkyrie reached into her coat and brought out a bag that jangled in her grip.
The goblins stared at the bag, practically drooling.
“Put the kids down,” she said. “Just place them on the ground over here, very gently, and step away. Then I’ll give you the gold and we’ll say goodbye.”
One of the goblins, she didn’t know which one he was, so she decided that he should be Colm, grunted. “How do we know there’s gold in that bag?”
“Because I tell you there is.”
“We don’t know you. Liam, we can’t trust this girl.”
The first goblin, Liam, scratched his belly. “We were expecting the skeleton. Where is he?”
“He couldn’t make it.”
“He sent you instead?”
“Yes, he did,” said Valkyrie
“You’re his assistant, then?”
“Partner.”
“You’re a child.”
“You’re a goblin.”
“Only on the outside.”
“And on the inside you steal babies. Looks and personality.”
“I don’t like you.”
“You just have to get to know me,” she said. “Are we going to stand around talking all night, or are we going to do this ransom thing?”
“The skeleton should be here,” the third goblin, Fintan, mumbled.
“Shut up,” Liam barked. “We’ll settle that later. Right now, give her the brats. I want to see that gold.”
Colm and Fintan walked forward, bringing with them an interesting aroma of dried sweat and boiled cabbage. They put the babies on the ground, close to Valkyrie, and the babies gurgled and made baby noises.
The goblins stepped back, rejoined their brother.
“Now,” Liam said with a snaggle-toothed smile, “give us our payment.”
“And then you’ll let us go?”
“Of course.”
“Why don’t I believe you?”
Liam shrugged. “A deal’s a deal – we held up our part, now you have to do the same.”
If things turned nasty, Valkyrie would only be able to scoop up one of the kids before the goblins were on her. The goblins didn’t look very fast, so she’d probably be able to beat them to the door, but it would mean leaving two babies here. She didn’t see any alternative, however, and the goblins’ patience was running out.
She tossed the bag, and Liam caught it and yanked open the drawstring. He let the gold coins spill out into his hand.
Fintan licked his lips. “They real? Liam, they real?”
Liam put one of the coins in his mouth and sucked on it a moment, then reached his grimy fingers between his lips to retrieve it. “It’s gold,” he said happily. His wide eyes glinted.
“Pleasure doing business,” Valkyrie said, hunkering down to the kids.
“You’re not leaving,” said Liam.
Valkyrie sighed. “Is this a double-cross?”
“That’s what this is. It’d be better if the skeleton was here instead of you, but when we send him your head, wrapped up in a pretty bow, he’ll come looking for us and we’ll get him then.”
“You have issues with Skulduggery?”
“We hate him,” Fintan snarled. “He’s the one responsible for turning us into creatures of slime and bad breath.”
“I see,” said Valkyrie. “Before you kill me, can I ask you a question?”
Liam laughed. “Go ahead.”
“Thank you. My question is, what makes you think I came alone?”
Liam’s smile faded. “What?”
“You know Skulduggery, right? You’ve gone up against him before. You know how smart he is.”
“Not that smart,” Colm grumbled.
“And he knows you,” Valkyrie continued. “He knows how treacherous you are, and he’s told me how you never keep your side of a bargain, and how you always double-cross…”
Liam frowned. “So?”
“So smile, goblin. Skulduggery Pleasant has been here all along, and tonight’s the night when he gets to kick your green and wrinkly little—”
There was a crash on the roof above them and the rotten wood splintered and gave, and Skulduggery fell through and hit the ground with his face.
“Oh my God,” he muttered as he lay there. “Oh my God, that hurt.”
Valkyrie hesitated. No one made a move, and no one made a sound. Even the babies had stopped gurgling. The goblins grinned. Valkyrie chewed her lip.
“This is… slightly unexpected,” she said.
Skulduggery Pleasant, the skeleton detective, his blue suit ripped and streaked with dirt, rolled on to his back and groaned. If his skull had features, they would surely be twisted in pain. “Don’t move,” he managed to say. “You’re all under arrest.”
The goblins laughed.
“You think you’re the only one with back-up?” Liam grinned at Valkyrie. “You think you’re the only one with a surprise?”
Valkyrie glared at him. “So who’ve you got out there? More of y
“No assassins,” Liam said. “No monsters. Just Peg.”
“Who’s Peg?”
Liam sneered. “Oh, of course, you haven’t met our sister, have you? Peg’ll be the one who threw your friend there through the roof. Peg!”
A massive shape filled the doorway, and Peg the Ugly Goblin stepped in. She was twice Valkyrie’s height, and had legs as wide as tree trunks, and arms as wide as her legs. Her body was a solid slab of meat, clothed in what appeared to be a half dozen grimy wedding dresses sewn together, and her hair hung long and lank over her face.
Skulduggery got unsteadily to his feet. “Don’t worry,” he told Valkyrie. “I have her on the ropes now.”
“She threw you over a church,” Valkyrie pointed out.
For a moment he was silent. And then he said, “Not all the way over.”
“Skuluggy,” Peg moaned. “Oo uv me.”
Valkyrie frowned. “Did she just say what I think she said?”
Skulduggery shook his head quickly. “No.”
Peg took another few steps inside. Her brothers cackled and let her pass.
“Skuluggy,” Peg moaned again. “I uv oo.”
Skulduggery glanced at Valkyrie. “OK. She may have a thing for me.”
“She loves you?”
“Well, yes, but I assure you, it’s very unrequited.”
Liam grinned. “Weren’t expecting this, were you, Mr Detective? Probably thought, once a mountain fell on her, you’d seen the last of our sister, eh?”
“To be honest,” Skulduggery said, “yes.”
“She’s tougher than she looks,” Fintan said.
“Now that’s an achievement,” Skulduggery murmured.
Peg stood there, a wall in a wedding dress, and held her arms out. A swollen tongue dragged itself over her cracked lips, and she struggled to form her next word.
“Kiss,” she said.
Valkyrie arched an eyebrow. Skulduggery nodded, more to himself than anybody else.
“I’m going to have to let her down gently,” he said, and ran forward and leaped, slamming both feet into Peg’s belly. She roared in anger and swiped at him and he dodged, kicking at the back of her knee. She barely noticed.
The three brothers were coming for Valkyrie. She clicked the fingers of her right hand and made a spark, then caught the spark and cultivated it into a flame that burned in her hand.