Barely Breathing by Rebecca Donovan
Page 66
When we reached the second floor corridor, Evan turned to me and instructed, "Close your eyes. "
"Are you serious?" I asked dubiously, not really in the mood for one of his surprises.
"Its not what you think," he assured me. "Just close your eyes. "
I let out a resigned breath and did as he directed. Evan kept a hold of my hand and guided me further down the hall. We stopped and he released me. I heard the jangling of keys and the click of a lock.
"Keep them shut," he ordered, taking hold of my hand again and leading me forward.
With the slightest inhale, I instantly recognized the scents swirling in the air.
"Breathe, Emma," he coaxed, squeezing my hand. "Its okay. "
"Howd you know?" I asked, overcome with emotion. I breathed deeply and eased the air through my chest, searching for the release I always sought in this room. I opened my eyes and found Evan gazing at me affectionately.
"Because I know you. "
I closed my eyes and consumed the faint traces of paint, glue and cleaner, releasing the darkened fury with each cleansing breath.
I moved to him and put my arms around his chest, pressing against him. "Thank you. "
He held me tenderly, being mindful not to squeeze too tight.
"Hold on to this life, Emma," he whispered. "Youre so much stronger than you think you are. "
I looked up at him with glistening eyes. Evan bent down, and the warmth of his lips captured my breath, helping me find the calm I was unable to find on my own.
41. Power of Suggestion
"Where are you?" Sara asked when I picked up the phone. I groaned, instantly realizing wed forgotten to tell her that we werent at Rachels.
"Oh, Sara, Im sorry," I replied. "Were driving back to Evans. Rachel and I got into a horrible fight, so we left. Are you there?"
"Yeah. Did you get everything?"
"Um," I considered, then recalled, "oh, theres one box left, but we can get it another day. "
"Why dont I just grab it now since Im here?" she offered casually.
"You may not want to do that," I cautioned. "She was a mess when we left. I was. . . I was pretty ruthless. "
"And Im sure she had it coming," she responded, unaffected. "I dont care. Ill just run in, get it, and leave. "
"You were warned. Call me if you need to, otherwise just come to Evans. "
Evan raised his eyebrows when I hung up. "Shes going in?"
I shrugged. "Guess so. "
"Wow," he grimaced. "This should be interesting. "
Before we reached Evans, my phone beeped. "Uh oh," I uttered when I saw Saras name on the screen.
"Emma, you need to come back to the house," she spewed urgently.
"Sara, whats wrong?" Fear paralyzed my heart.
"Rachel. Shes not moving," she said in a rush. "The ambulance is coming but. . . Oh God. "
"Sara?" My eyes flickered as I listened, but it was silent. I pulled the phone away from my ear to find that wed been disconnected. "Evan, we need to go back. "
Without me realizing it, hed turned around as soon as he heard the stress in my voice.
The car sped up. "What did she say?" he asked, keeping his eyes on the road.
"That Rachel wasnt moving, and an ambulance was on its way. But then. . . then something happened and I lost her. Evan, if anything happens to Sara. . . " My mind was racing, fearing that the drug dealer had returned to collect the debt, despite his injuries. Or maybe someone else was doing it for him. I couldnt sit still, wanting us to drive faster, despite Evans acceleration through the vacant residential streets?easily doubling the speed limit.
"Well be there soon," he assured me, as I gripped the handle above the door.
My chest hurt from holding my breath as we turned onto the street. An ambulance, fire truck and two police cars were out front?their lights flashing brightly against the black backdrop.
"Oh no," I breathed. A thousand horrifying images rushed through my head, making me falter on weakened knees when I jetted out of car.
"Sara!" I yelled, rushing toward the house. I was intercepted by a police officer, demanding that I stay outside. He questioned me about the people who lived there. I wasnt listening. I tried to see around him, frantically searching for her, but I was restrained and couldnt move forward.
I just about collapsed when I saw the paramedics exit and rush to the ambulance to retrieve a stretcher.
"Whats going on? Please, you have to tell me if shes okay!" I pled in a desperate sob. "Sara!"
"Emma?" I heard her rasp. She sounded like she was right inside the door. I tried to get to her, but the police officer held up his hand, and I was pulled back.
"Miss, you need to stay outside until theyve removed her. "
"What?!" I demanded frantically. "What do you mean?!"
The paramedics and firefighters came into view through the open door, carrying a board.
"No," I gasped, tears pouring down my face. "No. "
But then I saw the dark hair, not Saras fiery red. I froze.
I watched unblinking as they transferred her onto the stretcher and wheeled Rachel by me with an oxygen mask over her face. All of the emotion drained out of me. I stared after her in shock.
"Emma?!" Sara called, rushing out of the house. Her face was red and streaked with tears.
"Sara!" I exclaimed, hugging her tight. I knew my ribs were supposed to hurt. They should have hurt a lot today, but I couldnt feel anything. Sara sobbed into my shoulder. Thats when I realized Evan was behind me. Hed been holding me back, helping the police officer contain me. "Sara, what happened?"
"I found her in her room," she choked. "Her door was open, and she was lying on the floor. There were pills and a bottle of vodka. She wouldnt move. Then she stopped breathing. " She took a quivering breath, and burst, "I tried, Emma. I really tried. "
"Its okay," I soothed, my heart aching at her distress. "Its okay. "
Then the realization slowly began to sink in, and I heard myself utter, "Its okay. " But I wasnt really sure who I was talking to. Everything slowed down, and I felt like I was looking through a tunnel.
The police officers asked us to come into the house to answer some questions. I responded without really knowing what I was saying. I didnt even know if I was coherent, dazed the entire interview. They said something about the ambulance and a hospital and I nodded, not understanding.
"Thank you," I heard Evan say, and I watched the police officers return to their cars. There were people outside on the sidewalk. Neighbors gathered to catch a glimpse of my nightmare. Thats what this was. I was trapped in a never ending cycle of nightmares. Voices echoed around me, and I tried to focus on their faces.
"Emma, we should go," Evan said above me. My head felt heavy as I nodded it. "Want to come with us?" He was talking to Sara, but I just kept nodding.
"Emma?" Sara called to me, taking my hand. I could still hear her sniffling. "Shes going to be okay. I mean, she has to be. "
Who? I wanted to ask, not following along. Then everything rushed in on me all at once, I was punched in the stomach with the flood of information, my brain translating it in an instant.
"No," I said strongly, drawing Evan and Saras attention with a start. "No. I dont want to go to the hospital. "
"What?" Sara questioned in confusion. "Your mother just overdosed. . . "
"I know," I interrupted. "I dont want to see her. "
"Dont you want to know if shes okay?" Evan asked, his voice careful.
"No," I returned adamantly. "I dont want to see her. She did this. She did this because of me, to hurt me. I wont let her. I wont let her. "
"Emma, what are you talking about?" Sara demanded fervently.
Evan crouched in front of me and met my eyes. "Are you sure?" I nodded. He studied me intently for a moment and then nodded. "Okay. We dont have to go. "
"Evan, what the hell are you talking about? What if she?
"
"Sara," he cut her off before she could finish. "You werent here earlier. Its probably not a good idea to go to the hospital. We should get you home anyway. Its been a crazy night for you too. "
Sara shook her head, aghast. "I dont understand. "
"Ill explain later," Evan told her. "Emma, lets go. "
I was still a bit dazed. I took his hand and allowed him to guide me. He and Sara shut off the lights along the way, and he found the key on my keychain to lock the door. We continued to the car, and Sara crawled into the back while I sat in the passenger seat. We drove to Saras in silence, or maybe I just couldnt hear them talking.
Anna was a wreck when we arrived. Shed been contacted by the police, since they knew Saras father. She fretted over us when we entered, hugging each of us, running her hand over our tear stained cheeks to examine us more closely. Evan did most of the explaining since he was the only one composed enough to make sense.
My entire body ached and my ribs burned with pain. I didnt want to talk. I didnt want to listen. I just wanted to shut it all out and crawl under the blankets. Eventually, once Anna and Carl were satisfied with what they were told, we were released upstairs.
Evan stayed with me as long as he was allowed, laying quietly in front of me on the bed, watching me drift off. Sara ended up crawling in bed with me sometime in the night, probably unable to sleep. I wasnt so certain I slept much either. My eyes searched in the dark?blinking in and out of consciousness.
"I told her to do it," I whispered to Sara when her eyes opened across from me, the dawn softly glowing above us.
She blinked wider, trying to understand.
"I told her I didnt care if she took the entire bottle. And she did. "
"Emma," Sara breathed in shock, finally understanding what I meant. "You didnt make her do it. "
"But I dont know if I wouldve stopped her either," I confessed in a flat tone.
"Dont say that. You would have. "
"I hate her, Sara," I rasped, my eyes blurring with tears. "I hate her so much. " My voice broke, and I swallowed against the truth. Tears ran over my nose and onto the pillow. "I didnt want to see her, because. . . because I dont care if shes dead. "
"Oh Emma," she cried, her blue eyes seeping in pain. "I dont believe that. Youre angry. But I dont believe youd want her dead. "
I didnt say anything more. We lay silently, absorbing the torment in the others eyes, eventually falling back into a restless sleep.
I felt responsible for what Sara had endured because of Rachels selfishness. But I didnt feel remorse for what Id told her. I really didnt care if my mother lived or died.
~~~~~
"Are you sure you dont want to come?" Sara asked again with the bag in her hand.
I looked at Sara and her mother from my kneeling position on the kitchen floor, scooping up the congealed tomato and placing it on the cutting board on the table. "Im sure. Ill finish picking up. I still need to throw out the food in the fridge. "
When we reached the second floor corridor, Evan turned to me and instructed, "Close your eyes. "
"Are you serious?" I asked dubiously, not really in the mood for one of his surprises.
"Its not what you think," he assured me. "Just close your eyes. "
I let out a resigned breath and did as he directed. Evan kept a hold of my hand and guided me further down the hall. We stopped and he released me. I heard the jangling of keys and the click of a lock.
"Keep them shut," he ordered, taking hold of my hand again and leading me forward.
With the slightest inhale, I instantly recognized the scents swirling in the air.
"Breathe, Emma," he coaxed, squeezing my hand. "Its okay. "
"Howd you know?" I asked, overcome with emotion. I breathed deeply and eased the air through my chest, searching for the release I always sought in this room. I opened my eyes and found Evan gazing at me affectionately.
"Because I know you. "
I closed my eyes and consumed the faint traces of paint, glue and cleaner, releasing the darkened fury with each cleansing breath.
I moved to him and put my arms around his chest, pressing against him. "Thank you. "
He held me tenderly, being mindful not to squeeze too tight.
"Hold on to this life, Emma," he whispered. "Youre so much stronger than you think you are. "
I looked up at him with glistening eyes. Evan bent down, and the warmth of his lips captured my breath, helping me find the calm I was unable to find on my own.
41. Power of Suggestion
"Where are you?" Sara asked when I picked up the phone. I groaned, instantly realizing wed forgotten to tell her that we werent at Rachels.
"Oh, Sara, Im sorry," I replied. "Were driving back to Evans. Rachel and I got into a horrible fight, so we left. Are you there?"
"Yeah. Did you get everything?"
"Um," I considered, then recalled, "oh, theres one box left, but we can get it another day. "
"Why dont I just grab it now since Im here?" she offered casually.
"You may not want to do that," I cautioned. "She was a mess when we left. I was. . . I was pretty ruthless. "
"And Im sure she had it coming," she responded, unaffected. "I dont care. Ill just run in, get it, and leave. "
"You were warned. Call me if you need to, otherwise just come to Evans. "
Evan raised his eyebrows when I hung up. "Shes going in?"
I shrugged. "Guess so. "
"Wow," he grimaced. "This should be interesting. "
Before we reached Evans, my phone beeped. "Uh oh," I uttered when I saw Saras name on the screen.
"Emma, you need to come back to the house," she spewed urgently.
"Sara, whats wrong?" Fear paralyzed my heart.
"Rachel. Shes not moving," she said in a rush. "The ambulance is coming but. . . Oh God. "
"Sara?" My eyes flickered as I listened, but it was silent. I pulled the phone away from my ear to find that wed been disconnected. "Evan, we need to go back. "
Without me realizing it, hed turned around as soon as he heard the stress in my voice.
The car sped up. "What did she say?" he asked, keeping his eyes on the road.
"That Rachel wasnt moving, and an ambulance was on its way. But then. . . then something happened and I lost her. Evan, if anything happens to Sara. . . " My mind was racing, fearing that the drug dealer had returned to collect the debt, despite his injuries. Or maybe someone else was doing it for him. I couldnt sit still, wanting us to drive faster, despite Evans acceleration through the vacant residential streets?easily doubling the speed limit.
"Well be there soon," he assured me, as I gripped the handle above the door.
My chest hurt from holding my breath as we turned onto the street. An ambulance, fire truck and two police cars were out front?their lights flashing brightly against the black backdrop.
"Oh no," I breathed. A thousand horrifying images rushed through my head, making me falter on weakened knees when I jetted out of car.
"Sara!" I yelled, rushing toward the house. I was intercepted by a police officer, demanding that I stay outside. He questioned me about the people who lived there. I wasnt listening. I tried to see around him, frantically searching for her, but I was restrained and couldnt move forward.
I just about collapsed when I saw the paramedics exit and rush to the ambulance to retrieve a stretcher.
"Whats going on? Please, you have to tell me if shes okay!" I pled in a desperate sob. "Sara!"
"Emma?" I heard her rasp. She sounded like she was right inside the door. I tried to get to her, but the police officer held up his hand, and I was pulled back.
"Miss, you need to stay outside until theyve removed her. "
"What?!" I demanded frantically. "What do you mean?!"
The paramedics and firefighters came into view through the open door, carrying a board.
"No," I gasped, tears pouring down my face. "No. "
But then I saw the dark hair, not Saras fiery red. I froze.
I watched unblinking as they transferred her onto the stretcher and wheeled Rachel by me with an oxygen mask over her face. All of the emotion drained out of me. I stared after her in shock.
"Emma?!" Sara called, rushing out of the house. Her face was red and streaked with tears.
"Sara!" I exclaimed, hugging her tight. I knew my ribs were supposed to hurt. They should have hurt a lot today, but I couldnt feel anything. Sara sobbed into my shoulder. Thats when I realized Evan was behind me. Hed been holding me back, helping the police officer contain me. "Sara, what happened?"
"I found her in her room," she choked. "Her door was open, and she was lying on the floor. There were pills and a bottle of vodka. She wouldnt move. Then she stopped breathing. " She took a quivering breath, and burst, "I tried, Emma. I really tried. "
"Its okay," I soothed, my heart aching at her distress. "Its okay. "
Then the realization slowly began to sink in, and I heard myself utter, "Its okay. " But I wasnt really sure who I was talking to. Everything slowed down, and I felt like I was looking through a tunnel.
The police officers asked us to come into the house to answer some questions. I responded without really knowing what I was saying. I didnt even know if I was coherent, dazed the entire interview. They said something about the ambulance and a hospital and I nodded, not understanding.
"Thank you," I heard Evan say, and I watched the police officers return to their cars. There were people outside on the sidewalk. Neighbors gathered to catch a glimpse of my nightmare. Thats what this was. I was trapped in a never ending cycle of nightmares. Voices echoed around me, and I tried to focus on their faces.
"Emma, we should go," Evan said above me. My head felt heavy as I nodded it. "Want to come with us?" He was talking to Sara, but I just kept nodding.
"Emma?" Sara called to me, taking my hand. I could still hear her sniffling. "Shes going to be okay. I mean, she has to be. "
Who? I wanted to ask, not following along. Then everything rushed in on me all at once, I was punched in the stomach with the flood of information, my brain translating it in an instant.
"No," I said strongly, drawing Evan and Saras attention with a start. "No. I dont want to go to the hospital. "
"What?" Sara questioned in confusion. "Your mother just overdosed. . . "
"I know," I interrupted. "I dont want to see her. "
"Dont you want to know if shes okay?" Evan asked, his voice careful.
"No," I returned adamantly. "I dont want to see her. She did this. She did this because of me, to hurt me. I wont let her. I wont let her. "
"Emma, what are you talking about?" Sara demanded fervently.
Evan crouched in front of me and met my eyes. "Are you sure?" I nodded. He studied me intently for a moment and then nodded. "Okay. We dont have to go. "
"Evan, what the hell are you talking about? What if she?
"Sara," he cut her off before she could finish. "You werent here earlier. Its probably not a good idea to go to the hospital. We should get you home anyway. Its been a crazy night for you too. "
Sara shook her head, aghast. "I dont understand. "
"Ill explain later," Evan told her. "Emma, lets go. "
I was still a bit dazed. I took his hand and allowed him to guide me. He and Sara shut off the lights along the way, and he found the key on my keychain to lock the door. We continued to the car, and Sara crawled into the back while I sat in the passenger seat. We drove to Saras in silence, or maybe I just couldnt hear them talking.
Anna was a wreck when we arrived. Shed been contacted by the police, since they knew Saras father. She fretted over us when we entered, hugging each of us, running her hand over our tear stained cheeks to examine us more closely. Evan did most of the explaining since he was the only one composed enough to make sense.
My entire body ached and my ribs burned with pain. I didnt want to talk. I didnt want to listen. I just wanted to shut it all out and crawl under the blankets. Eventually, once Anna and Carl were satisfied with what they were told, we were released upstairs.
Evan stayed with me as long as he was allowed, laying quietly in front of me on the bed, watching me drift off. Sara ended up crawling in bed with me sometime in the night, probably unable to sleep. I wasnt so certain I slept much either. My eyes searched in the dark?blinking in and out of consciousness.
"I told her to do it," I whispered to Sara when her eyes opened across from me, the dawn softly glowing above us.
She blinked wider, trying to understand.
"I told her I didnt care if she took the entire bottle. And she did. "
"Emma," Sara breathed in shock, finally understanding what I meant. "You didnt make her do it. "
"But I dont know if I wouldve stopped her either," I confessed in a flat tone.
"Dont say that. You would have. "
"I hate her, Sara," I rasped, my eyes blurring with tears. "I hate her so much. " My voice broke, and I swallowed against the truth. Tears ran over my nose and onto the pillow. "I didnt want to see her, because. . . because I dont care if shes dead. "
"Oh Emma," she cried, her blue eyes seeping in pain. "I dont believe that. Youre angry. But I dont believe youd want her dead. "
I didnt say anything more. We lay silently, absorbing the torment in the others eyes, eventually falling back into a restless sleep.
I felt responsible for what Sara had endured because of Rachels selfishness. But I didnt feel remorse for what Id told her. I really didnt care if my mother lived or died.
~~~~~
"Are you sure you dont want to come?" Sara asked again with the bag in her hand.
I looked at Sara and her mother from my kneeling position on the kitchen floor, scooping up the congealed tomato and placing it on the cutting board on the table. "Im sure. Ill finish picking up. I still need to throw out the food in the fridge. "