Billy Palmer by Ronald Zastre
“Well, fuckin duh! You take a guy’s integrity, something he earned the hard way and deny him the respect he deserved and you wonder why his life gets screwed up. You get him put in jail on a trumped up charge and then you wonder how ‘he’ failed himself. Do you have any idea how it must have felt for him to be incarcerated, especially wrongfully? You come whining to me, wondering, what happened to him? You and your worthless friends are what happened to him! What a bunch of assholes you people were. It must have been great to be so privileged. Do you know what we all learned in Vietnam? We learned team work, sticking together. We had to, to stay alive. Then Billy comes home and his friends are jealous and they work against him and they get away with it. Does that answer your question; what happened to Billy Palmer? He performed brilliantly under the worst of situations. He proved himself as a leader and then he had to deal with you smucks. Can you imagine how he must have felt, trapped, having to take orders from you clowns?”
“I—” Manny started to make an excuse, but Mark cut him off.
“No, I don’t imagine you could. Now you come crawling to me for absolution. Geez, I’m so sorry about what I did, I didn’t know. Bullshit Mr. Anderson, you’re here to make yourself feel good! You don’t give a shit about Billy, never did. You’re not sophisticated enough for that. You don’t have to look him in the face and apologize, do you? No, he’s not around anymore. The best you can do is stand over his grave and say, Geez I’m reeeaaaally sorry, that we were dumb fucks, but we just didn’t understand.”
“Why don’t you make sure your pretty wife is there too? So she can tell Billy she is also sorry, sorry that she ended up with your sorry ass, instead of a real man. You know what a hero is, do you sport? It’s someone that does what no one else has the guts to. It’s someone that takes the responsibility for everyone else and doesn’t expect anything in return.”
“I guess I deserve that,” Manny said, his head down.
“Damn right you do!” Mark said, staring intently at Manny, “But, it’s too late for an appeal, and all the tears in the world will make no difference. You expected to come here, spill your guts, shed a few tears for effect, and then have me absolve your guilt. But, I will not do that because it is way beyond my capabilities. You are a selfish man, Mr. Anderson, you always were and always will be. What do you really want from me?”
“I don’t know!” Manny shouted, throwing his hands up. He turned around, walked to the window, looking out frustrated. “I keep thinking I’m doing this for my son Donny, he’s in the Army now, Air Cavalry, but I don’t know?”
“Donny, smonny,” Tainer scolded, “you’re bored with life and Billy Palmer and his story excite you. The more you find out, the more you want to know.”
“Is that wrong? Am I such a horrible man?”
“See, you’re just typical. Again it goes back to you! You’re only worried about what I think of you.”
“I guess I do?”
“Why?”
“Because I respect you,” Manny said, looking around the office.
“That my friend, is a load of crap! I saw you looking around, judging me by what I’ve got. Do you respect the man I’ve become, or do you respect how I got here? Then again, maybe none of the above. You might just be jealous, just like you were with Billy. It has nothing to do with how I got here, nothing at all to do with who I am. You made the same mistake with Palmer. Manny, the turmoil is in your head. Was it a mistake; the way you judged Billy, or is it how you really are?”
“You tell me, you’re the expert on recognizing and appointing guilt.”
“Look Manny, I’m not jumping your ass because I think you’re an especially terrible person.” Tainer said calmly. “We are a fucked up species, and I think you are just starting to realize why.”
“I rather doubt that. The more I think I know, the more I realize just how stupid I am.”
“There, now you’re finally getting somewhere. I’ll tell you a little secret, let you off the hook a little. We are simply a product of our emotions, all of us. We have created this unbelievable technology, machines even doing our thinking for us and what happens? Our most important decisions are based on how we feel at the time. We’re just another dumb animal, governed by fear, jealousy, envy, sadness, happiness, all the same motivation my dog lives by, all just instincts. We can claim we’re above all that, that we’re superior, just deny it, but in the end, they’re the driving force in our lives.”
“Can I say something, something that will undoubtedly piss you off?” Manny asked.
“Go right ahead.”
“Of course you’re right about almost everything. I’ve felt and acted exactly as you say. I don’t appreciate the harshness you presented it with, but I’ve matured enough to accept a little criticism now and then. But, regardless of what my reasons are now, and I don’t really know myself, I’d hoped that you being so close to Billy you would have the decency of at least helping me in my quest. Billy was forgotten, and maybe I can do something to rectify that. I can’t do anything about the past, but I can sure do something about the future, and my son’s well-being is important to me, as well as the little woman.”
“God-damn Manny, I was wondering if you were going to stand up to the shit-beating or not?”
“What, you figured I’d walk out the door because you hurt my feelings?”
“I was hoping not, but most people would have.”
“And?”
“You would have gotten nothing further from me.”
“How the hell did you get so mean?”
“Mean, in my business you have to yank on peoples chains to get the best out of them. If you coddle them, they think you’re accepting their lousy work and figure they don’t have to do anything more. I raise hell with them so they try, and try, and try to appease me. You wouldn’t believe how that can get the creative juices flowing.”
“I think Billy was trying to write a book.”
“Was he now? I’d like to see that because he had a complex mind. A Vietnam book?”
“Boy, you know, I couldn’t say.”
“How did you know he was writing?”
“He approached me and a couple of the guys about buying into what he was working on.”
“What did you think of his work?”
“I don’t know, I never read it. One of the guys was in advertising and he said it was ridiculous to buy into a book, said it was a silly way to invest.”
“That so? Some big money in the story business. For some reason people like to be entertained, and they even pay, go figure huh? I’d like to see whatever you can find, maybe he had something. And Manny, have you ever been to the Wall in Washington?”
“No, that’s where I’m headed now.”
“Got some names here,” Mark reached for a pad and wrote down a list of names, then handed it to Manny. “It’ll be interesting to see what your first impression might be. And Manny, what you’re missing, why you’re trying so hard to understand is you have never been tested, so you don’t know how you’ll react under pressure. We all wonder, you know, and only a few of us ever get put in a situation to find out. That’s the little thing that separates the warrior from the rest.”
Chapter 9
“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” Manny mumbled, sitting in the back seat of a Washington D.C. cab, looking out the window. All he can see of the city is mostly obscured by heavy falling snow.
“It is not a good day to go sightseeing, I do agree with you Sir,” the cab driver replied in a heavy middle-eastern-accent.
“Oh, I wouldn’t be stupid enough to go sightseeing on a day like this,” Manny said, thinking of defending his appearance as a rational American. “This is more of a request,—no,—more like an order.”
“Some person makes you to go to that strange wall.”
“Strange, why would you say that?” Manny was more curious than annoyed by the comment.
“In this great country of America, you pay such a small price
“Welcome to America,” Manny said cynically.
“Yes, it is great place, especially on day like this. In my country, getting warm on day like this would be very difficult.”
Manny guessed that explained why it was blazing hot in the cab, the driver luxuriating in it. Manny was certain deodorant and soap where also in short supply in this man’s homeland. He was almost relieved when the cabbie announced that they had arrived at a good spot for him to walk to the memorial. The snow was coming down even heavier, but the temperature was not as cold as he was used to in Red Pine, and there was no wind. Huge flakes fell straight down out of the slate gray sky.
*
Manny started toward the wall, taking the direction the cab driver had indicated. The snow, six inches deep, covered everything and he had no idea if he was on a path or not. Manny walked through some trees and came to a small slope. Down below he could make out a long black ribbon rising out of the snow. He walked down the slope and moved abreast of the monument, the full wall appearing out of the gloom. He noted it’s sloping shape, the highest part meeting in the middle to his right. He was standing where the stone began, only six inches high, then rose gradually to the center where it was ten feet tall. He turned to face the wall, stooped down and saw names etched deep into the black stone. He looked to his left, toward the middle, noting that the number of names increased as the stone got taller.
“Geez, you dumb ass,” Manny said to himself. “You don’t even know how the names are arranged.”
Manny looked around hoping to spot someone, but It looked like he was absolutely alone. “Had to pick a time when there was no one around to help, didn’t ya,” Manny said to himself as he continued down the Wall, just looking over the names as it grew in height, not really reading them. He had a list of five names that Tainer had given him, five guys that Billy had known, now nothing more than a name and a memory on this wet, black obelisk. He had walked almost the entire length of the wall, passing the middle, then down the other side until he had gotten to where the wall was low again. He glanced up a path leading away from the monument, saw a concrete pedestal and headed for it. On the pedestal was a book under a Plexiglas cover with names followed by towns and cities listed. He lifted the cover, conscious of the snow falling on the pages, but he suspected that the book was always maintained, so he looked for the names on his list. The book also explained the order of the names. They were on the wall chronologically, from the time of death. The killing spree started at the center, the highest part of the monument and moved down the slope to the right, to the bottom of that wing and then flipped way over to the left wing, continuing at the bottom, moving up, ending at the center, the junction that formed the two angles of the stone wall.
Manny found all the names in the book which was in alphabetical order. After each name the location on the wall was listed. All the names he sought were on panel eleven, lines eight through fourteen.
Manny walked back down to the wall and found the eleventh panel and then the names. He looked to his left and a short distance away, no more than ten feet, was the joint in the wall. There, eleven panels away, the first casualties of the Vietnam war were listed. His eyes moved from panel one, back over panel eleven, just skimming, estimating the numbers by the amount of space they took up. His eyes passed panel eleven and then continued down toward the end of the wall as it tapering off to nothing, sliding out of existence into the snow.
He was thinking back to what Billy had told him; about the war being a bunch of crap, not worth the lives they were losing. That it was being fought all wrong because our leaders weren’t even trying to win, etc. Mark Tainer’s words came to him as he stepped back a few paces and looked to his left, where the other wing of the wall appeared out of the snow and gradually rose to the middle to meet the right wing, the one with panel eleven on it, the whole time one thought kept going through Manny’s mind.
“Those fuckers!” he exclaimed out loud. “They knew it here,” Manny pointed to eleven, straight in front of where he stood, “and did nothing about it as all these guys,” Manny moved his hand down the wall, to the right, stepping back as he went. He got to the end of the right side and turned back the other way quickly, sticking out his left hand to point to the far start of the wall, moving it quickly back to the center. “Died for nothing!” He shouted at the top of his lungs, swinging his arm past his body, twisting around one hundred and eighty degrees until he was facing away from the wall. Manny stood there, looking straight ahead, the snow falling on his bare head. Off in the distance he could see a figure watching him. It looked like a woman, but it was hard to tell. He stood looking at the person, wanting whoever it might be to come the rest of the way so he could tell someone, anyone, what he had discovered. It dawned on him that everyone that came to this place with a name, probably went away with the same feeling of disgust that was coursing through his body.
“Whoever designed this sure did their job, huh?” Manny shouted to the person watching him through the falling snow. There was no response, so Manny turned, looked at the wall one more time and walked away. As he was ascending the slight slope, he turned as he walked and saw the unknown person now descending toward the memorial.
“Probably thinks I’m some deranged SOB. Can’t blame them a bit,” Manny said quietly, the snow soaking up the sound of his voice.
*
Manny stood in the deepening snow at the edge of the street, slowly shaking his head deep in thought, as a cab came driving up the street. Manny was so lost in his thoughts he didn’t perceive the cab pulling up to him. Sensing he was not alone he looked up and then it registered; it was the same cab. His first thought was to let this one go, he wasn’t cold, just numb from the experience, but the driver sat there, waiting for him to decide. The passenger window of the cab slid down and the driver leaned over.
“You might be only business for the day, Sir,” the cabby said quietly.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I was just thinking.”
“You saw the name of a loved one there?”
Manny hesitated, Loved one? Billy’s name wasn’t there, but what was Billy to him?
I guess I had loved Billy once, but certainly not when it counted.
“I saw some names that told me more about myself than I care to admit,” Manny confessed, reaching for the door handle.
“That black stone is very powerful, Sir. I have seen many come back as you have.”
“Is that why you waited for me?”
“It is a slow day, Sir.”
Manny didn’t say anything as he got in the car, but he knew the driver was sensitive to what the meaning of the wall was and how it affected people.
“Did they treat soldiers in your country bad like that?” Manny asked as he gestured back with his head, back toward the park.
“Much worse, Sir, much worse. I see America as a place that learns her lessons. Sir that is why I am here.”
“Thank you very much. I learned a lot today. I appreciate you looking out for me.”
“It is just my job, Sir.”
Chapter 10
“Manny Anderson, haven’t seen you in a long time,” Gwen, Billy’s sister said, holding open the door to her house. “Come on in, I was surprised when Tom said you had called and wanted to come down here. I’ll bet it’s cold as hell back in Red Pine. I miss the seasons, but not the cold,” she said as she walked into the kitchen. “I’ll never regret moving to San Antonio.”
“It’s a lot nicer here this time of the year, for sure,” Manny replied, seeing Gwen’s husband Tom sitting at the table.
“Yeah, we like it,” Gwen continued. “It can get a little hot in the summer, but everything is air conditioned, so we make it okay. It’s a little strange at Christmas, but with all the kids gone, what the heck.”
“How the heck you doing Tom? It’s good to see you again,
“Not bad Manny,” Tom returned. “I didn’t expect you to get here so soon though, but it’s good to see you. Hell, it’s got to be twenty years since Gwen and I were back up there. How are things for you back in the land of killer Mosquitoes?”
“Not bad, winters too long and too hard, same old stuff.”
“How’s your golf game these days?” Tom asked. “I hardly play anymore, back’s not too good.”
“Not bad, actually, I’m still playing to a two, but one of these years I will have to accept the inevitable.”
“So, what does bring you to Texas, Manny?” Gwen asked.
“I understand that Billy left some stuff with you? Anyway, that’s what Tom told me.”
“Yeah, he was trying to write a book,” Gwen said without any excitement.
“I heard about that,” Manny responded. “He asked me one time if I could help him try to get it published. That was some time ago though, and I kind of blew him off.”
“Yeah, a long time ago,” Gwen returned. “It was just a lot of gibberish. I read some of it, and it was a waste of time, too many mistakes.”
“Oh come on Gwen, there was some good stuff in there,” Tom countered.
“Oh Tom, those Vietnam vets were a pain in the ass, all of them. Expected everyone to have sympathy on them, because they served,” Gwen snarled.
“Gwen, Billy never bothered you for anything,” Tom scolded her. “You’re just bitter because of Campbell, because ‘he’ put you through a lot.”
“A lot!” Gwen cried. “I wasted ten years of my life on that bum. Boy was he screwed up. Nothing but a drunk and a druggy, and I’ll tell you, he wasn’t that way before he went over there, guaranteed. That war really fucked him up.”
“The war didn’t screw him up,” Tom returned. “Hell, he didn’t ever go out in the field. I know for a fact; he spent his whole time in the rear killing his brain cells, doing drugs.”
“Billy was no better, he didn’t do anything with his life, did he?” Gwen sneered.
“Well, you and your family sure didn’t make it easy for him,” Tom said