Falling Hard (Colorado High Country #3) by Pamela Clare
“You’re kind of a big deal, you know.” Ellie got to her feet to put the olives and the wrapped block of cheese back into the refrigerator. “You might as well get used to it.”
She’d no sooner closed the refrigerator door when a strong arm caught her around the waist and drew her backward.
Jesse pulled her into his lap, turning her to face him, forcing her to straddle him, his fingers finding her, exploring her, stroking her clit. “Mmm. You are so wet.”
She held onto his shoulders, looked into his eyes, unashamed of her body’s response to him. “Giving you head turned me on.”
“Is that so?” He pressed kisses to her forehead, nuzzled her ear, taking his time, his fingers touching her right where she needed it most. “Does this turn you on?”
“Yes.” She had already been horny, but now she ached for him.
He knew what she wanted, but he didn’t give it to her, not right away, one finger making maddening circles around the entrance to her vagina.
“Please.”
Finally, finally, he penetrated her, two fingers sliding inside her.
Her head fell back on a moan, her fingers digging into his shoulders for support.
She couldn’t hold still, her hips matching the rhythm of his thrusts, his fingers working magic inside her, making that inner ache worse.
He stopped, making her moan in protest.
“I would give money for a condom.”
Ellie brushed her lips with his. “How much money exactly?”
“My whole goddamned fortune.”
“Done.” She reached into the pocket of her bathrobe, pulled out a condom—Spiral Pleasures.
He took it from her, tore it open with his teeth, reaching down between them to roll it onto his cock. Then he took hold of himself, rubbing his cock over her clit again and again until she was going out of her mind and ready to scream.
“Now!”
He raised her hips, guiding her as she sank onto him, spearing herself on his cock, taking him deep inside her.
She rode him while he drove into her from below, his hands grasping her hips, his cock filling her, stretching her, stroking her. She came fast and hard, the tension inside her shattering into bliss. He caught her cry with his mouth, pounding her pleasure home with deep thrusts and following her over the edge.
Chapter 15
Jesse ran as fast as he could, churning water making it almost impossible for him to move. He fought for every inch, knowing she would die if he didn’t get to her. He reached for her again—and again the creek took her, the child’s hands reaching skyward, her terrified little face disappearing from view.
“Jesse, it’s okay.”
He jerked awake, his heart slamming, a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.
“It’s okay. It was just a dream.” Ellie sat beside him, her face lined with worry. “You’re here with me. You’re safe.”
He yanked off the sheets and sat up, putting his feet on the floor in an attempt to find something solid, the nightmare still dragging at him.
She scooted up behind him, wrapped her arms around him, resting her cheek on his shoulder. “Just breathe. Deep breaths.”
He fought the urge to lash out at her, to shove her away. “I’m okay.”
But he wasn’t, not really.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“Breathe.” Ellie stayed with him, holding onto him, her warmth seeping in through his skin, the horror of the dream fading as he tried to do what she said.
In. Out. In. Out.
He gave her hand a squeeze. “I need to take a leak.”
He got up and walked to the bathroom, took a piss, then washed his hands and splashed his face with cold water. He didn’t want her to see him like this. He didn’t want her to see the shattered side of him.
He dried his hands and face and walked back to the bedroom to find her sitting with the lamp on. Some part of him wanted to fold himself into her, to take all the warmth and gentleness she could offer. But the rest of him wanted to grab his things and head up the hill to his own bed.
He crawled into bed with her again and lay back on the pillow, staring at the ceiling, his arm bent behind his head.
“Do you want to talk about it? Sometimes that helps. Dan had nightmares, too.”
He’d already talked with Esri about the dream so telling Ellie didn’t seem like such a huge leap. Besides, he’d already told her about his father.
Would she think him weak, a coward, a loser?
“Last summer, I responded to a call about a rollover MVA in the canyon. The vehicle, a little Honda, had been struck by some idiot who’d crossed the double yellow to pass a slow driver. The Honda had rolled into the creek and was sitting upside down in the middle. The water was running high. I got there first. I could see that there were people in the car—a mother and her kids.”
“God. How awful.”
“Standard operating procedure at this kind of rescue is to wait until ropes are in place so that rescuers don’t get swept away. We rope up, maybe create a Tyrolean traverse, then take out the survivors. No ropes, no rescue.”
“That makes sense. If you lose the rescuers, everyone dies.”
He nodded. “A little girl had taken off her seatbelt. I think she was worried about her mother, who was semi-conscious. Water was pouring into the car’s open windows, getting deeper. I shouted to the little girl to stay where she was, not to move. The current washed her out like she was a cork, took her right out of that car while I stood there waiting for the rest of the Team.”
He could still remember the dread that had taken him, his mouth going dry, his heart slamming against his breastbone.
“You went in after her.”
“Yeah. I ran down the embankment and jumped in, trying to get downstream of her so that I could catch her. I didn’t move fast enough. The current carried her right past me. I reached for her…” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “It was no good. I felt so fucking helpless.”
“I’m so sorry, Jesse.” Ellie’s voice was soft, calling him back from the edge. “I’ve lost people, too. I know it hurts. You did everything you could.”
“It wasn’t enough.”
“I know it feels that way, but from where I’m sitting, you did more than most people would have. You risked your life for hers.”
“I was the last person to see her alive. They finally got her body out of the water on the east side of Boulder. I can still see that terrified look in her eyes, her little hands reaching for me. I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t.”
Ellie drew him into her embrace, cradling him against her bare breast the way she’d held Daisy, pressing kisses to his hair.
And for the first time in his adult life, Jesse wept.
Ellie called Central Supply at the hospital first thing Monday morning to ask about the AEDs, oxygen equipment, and other supplies she’d ordered that hadn’t yet come in. The clerk who answered the phone had no idea what Ellie was talking about and had put her on hold ten minutes ago, the background music grating on her nerves.
Daisy and Daniel sat on the living room floor together playing with wooden puzzles, sticking farm animals and zoo critters into their respective slots and taking them out again. Ellie was grateful that they were occupying themselves because she didn’t have much in the way of emotional resources this morning.
Jesse was pulling away from her. She’d felt it last night in the way he’d turned off his emotions like shutting off a faucet. He’d left without kissing her goodbye. She’d texted him this morning to wish him a good day, and he still hadn’t replied.
He’d broken down last night, and it had scared him.
“Who are you holding for?” a voice said in her ear.
“I’ve been on hold for almost fifteen minutes now waiting to talk to someone who can tell me what happened to the remainder of the supplies I ordered for the SnowFest first-aid tent.”
“Let me see who’s handling that. I’ll just put you on hold.?
“No, please—” And the background music was back. “Damn it.”
“Damn,” Daisy said.
“Shit.” Ellie needed to watch her mouth.
She walked to the laundry room and moved the load of bed sheets from the washer to the dryer and tossed clothes in the washer.
“Ma’am?”
Oh, thank God. “Yes.”
“Can you give us the order number?”
Oh, come on! “Does no one there know what I’m talking about?”
This wasn’t a big city hospital. This was Scarlet Springs. There was only one SnowFest, and she’d placed one order.
“If you give us the number, we can look it up and figure out what’s going on.”
“Hang on a moment, and don’t you dare put me on hold again.” Ellie hurried to the kitchen, found the right file, and took out the form. She read the number over the phone. “I didn’t get the AEDs, any of the oxygen equipment, or the heating pads—and those are the body-length pads used to treat hypothermia. The cots weren’t there either.”
“What’s a good number for me to call?”
Ellie gave the woman her cell phone number. “Please understand that SnowFest is two weeks away, so I need these supplies within the week.”
“I’ll look into it and get back to you.”
Ellie ended the call, her frustration soaring.
She sank onto the couch, wondering what to do now. Should she give Jesse space, let him find his way? Should she text him again, tell him that she cared? Should she assume they were off for Tuesday night and cancel with Claire?
Damn it.
She’d forgotten how miserable romance could be.
Oh, Jesse.
Her heart had broken for him last night. She’d known the story, of course. The Fisher family had lived in Scarlet Springs for a few generations, and Ellie’s father had been the family’s pediatrician. Everyone in town had been heartbroken over the tragedy, and most had turned out for the funeral in a show of support.
But it was still tearing Jesse apart. He’d broken down in her arms, his tears bringing tears to her eyes. It had lasted only a moment. Then he’d shut himself off, pulled out of her embrace, and laid back on his pillow. He’d held her, his fingers tracing a line along her spine, but he hadn’t spoken again—not a word.
Daisy burst into tears because Daniel had taken apart the puzzle she’d been putting together.
“Okay. Let’s put the puzzles away. It’s time to play outside. Do you want to make a snowman?”
Jesse left a voicemail for Esri on his lunch break. “I really need to see you today. Give me a call or text me with a time, and I’ll be there. Sorry for the short notice, but it’s really important. Please call.”
Goddamn it!
He shoved his phone back into his pocket, stared down at the burrito he’d bought from the cafeteria, not the least bit hungry. His body needed fuel, so he ate anyway, doing his best to relax, trying to tune out the maelstrom inside his head.
He’d fallen the fuck apart last night. He’d let Ellie hold him like a baby, and he’d shed actual fucking tears. He’d thought that crying was supposed to make a person feel better. Instead, he’d wanted to punch something. He’d been a weak fuck and dumped all of his shit onto Ellie. What must she think of him now?
It was a good thing she’d already seen his balls because after last night, she might otherwise have wondered if he had any.
Jesus!
She had texted him this morning first thing.
HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY.
She’d added a little heart on the end, her concern for him coming through. He hadn’t texted back, not because he didn’t want to talk to her but because he didn’t know what to say. Should he pretend everything was normal? Should he apologize?
He hoped to God Esri had an opening this evening. If he couldn’t see her soon, he might come out of his skin.
“Hey, Jesse.” Ben sat down across from him, looking a lot better than he had on Saturday. “How are you?”
Jesse didn’t feel like talking. He wanted to tell the kid to get lost, but he knew Ben would take that the wrong way. “I’m fine. You?”
“I just wanted to thank you for what you did Saturday.”
“You mean saving your life?” Tone it down, asshole. “You’re welcome.”
But Ben hadn’t finished. “I’ve asked Matt to take me off explosives. I’m just not right for it. He said he would talk to you and Kevin about it.”
Jesse couldn’t deal with Ben’s shit right now. “Okay then.”
“That means you’ll ask him to take me off explosives?”
“Jesus, Ben. Can I just eat my lunch?”
“Sure. Yeah. Sorry.”
Jesse finished, carried his tray to the counter, and walked out into the afternoon sunshine. He stepped into his skis, skied over to the lift line, and rode the chair to the top of the mountain.
The sky was blue and wide as only a Colorado sky could be, the high peaks gleaming white with snow. The mountains had saved his life when he’d come here from Louisiana. But today the beauty and vastness couldn’t touch him.
He skied out to the back bowls, an out-of-bounds feature that attracted freeriders who wanted to risk their lives for a few minutes of adrenaline. There were no rule-breakers today, the snow pristine and untracked apart from the little trails left by pinwheels—little snowballs that were often the precursor to an avalanche.
Jesse could understand why people risked their lives out here. He could understand the need to throw everything inside you into a single moment, to test your mettle, to pit yourself against nature and see who won. Some part of him wanted to do that now, to point his tips down the fall line, forget everything but the rush of it, to throw himself at the mercy of the mountain.
How do you think the Team would feel digging your frozen, dead ass out of an avalanche? How would Ellie feel if you killed yourself on the job?
What the fuck was he thinking? This wasn’t like him.
Neither is crying on your girlfriend’s chest.
He needed to get a grip. “Forty-two to dispatch.”
“Forty-two, go ahead.”
“I’ve spotted a couple of skiers headed for the back bowls. I’m going to check it out.” He’d never made a bogus call before.
“Forty-two, copy.”
Jesse skied to an outcropping of rock and stared down at the slope below, the mountain calling him.
Ellie had just put the kids down for their afternoon nap when her cell phone buzzed. She almost tripped over her own feet in her rush to get it.
Jesse.
Her heart skipped a beat.
He’d sent another photo, this one of a breathtaking view of the Indian Peaks Wilderness—Navajo, Apache, and Shoshoni Peaks gleaming under a bright blue sky. A message followed.
TODAY’S VIEW FROM THE OFFICE.
She let out a relieved breath, texted back.
BEAUTIFUL. THANKS FOR SHARING.
Jesse was okay. He was okay.
Jesse sat down across from Esri, fighting to keep his rage and agitation in check. He didn’t know how to talk about this. “I care about the woman I’m seeing. I don’t want to fuck this up. I don’t want to hurt her. I had the nightmare again last night while I was sleeping at her place and fell the fuck apart.”
He had decided he wouldn’t tell Esri what had happened on the mountain today. In the end, he hadn’t done anything besides make a bogus call, and he was far from the first patroller to do that. He didn’t want to risk his job or his place on the Team by having Esri flag him as being a danger to himself or some damned thing.
“When I last saw you four days ago, you hadn’t yet become intimate with this woman. Your relationship has clearly deepened.”
Jesse nodded, thinking of Ellie taking some of the edge off. “I care about her. But last night, I lost it. I told her about the nightmare, and I cried. I’ve never cried in front of anyone, not even as a kid.”
&nbs
Jesse stared at her, his mind torn between the answer he knew he was supposed to give and his true feelings. “Even if it’s okay for men to cry, I don’t.”
“Why do you think you cried last night?”
Jesse fought not to shout. “If I knew, I wouldn’t be here talking to you.”
That made Esri smile in her irritating oh-so-Zen way. “Sometimes when we feel truly safe with someone, emotions surface that we wouldn’t ordinarily share. Do you feel safe with Ellie?”
He’d never considered that. Did he feel safe with Ellie? Of course, he did. He felt safe with her. He cared about her. He felt protective of her and the twins. When he was around her, he felt whole.
Until last night.
“Yeah, I guess I do. But now…” Regret cut through him, the pain almost physical. “I feel like damaged goods. I feel like I ruined everything, like I destroyed what was clean and beautiful. I feel naked. I feel…”
“Exposed?”
That was the word. “Yeah.”
“Did she say anything to make you believe that she thinks less of you?”
He shook his head. “No, but Ellie’s a nurse and…”
Shit. He’d said her name.
“Ellie’s a nurse and…” Esri prompted him.
“She has a lot of compassion for people.”
“Is it wrong if her compassion includes you—a man she obviously cares about?”
“I guess not.”
“Do you feel you’re worthy of compassion, Jesse?”
That question stopped him cold. “I don’t know.”
“Consider this for a moment: She believes you’re worthy of comfort and compassion even if you’re uncomfortable receiving it.”
They talked for a while about the dream, about the terrifying sense of helplessness he felt watching the little girl get swept away. But they’d been through this before, and the minutes were ticking by.
Jesse cut Esri off mid-sentence. “You said last time you needed more pieces of the puzzle. I do not want to fuck things up with Ellie. What pieces do you need?”