Frolic of His Own by William Gaddis

  —Well he said you’ll win, he’s always on the side of the creative individual he said standing up for your rights like he’s helping you with your accident and you haven’t even thanked him?

  —Thanked him for what! Where is he anyhow, he’s never helped anybody but himself has he? He’s not standing up for my rights he’s standing up for his own right to exploit my misery here for every penny he can, it’s not his pain and suffering is it? it’s not his scar he’s going to wear to the grave, he’s not going to pay all these doctor and hospital bills is he? I haven’t heard anything from him since both of you were, what happened down there? Do you know how long you’ve been gone?

  —I’ve been trying to tell you haven’t I? When I thought by now you’d be all well and we can sit and talk without you getting mad like these two regular human beings now that you’re almost able to sit up while I can hardly even, I think I’m catching cold here, put your hand back where it was, can’t you twist around a little? Just unbutton my, feel it? how my heart’s racing? her hand hard on his pressing it close there, lingering long enough only to make its absence felt as it emerged to trace a sharp nail down his cheek —where that old scar was that you’re so mad about? You can hardly see it . . .

  —Because it’s on the other side! wrenching his face around, —there. Now can you see it?

  —You’re not even listening to me are you, no keep your hand there, you can be so cold Oscar. You don’t think other people notice it but I do, you’re thinking about something else I can tell when you do that with your eyes like the last time I saw you when tragedy struck? But all she got back for that was her own words scorned with a muttered edge to them —and that’s all you can say? When my own brother gets killed in a car crash and you don’t even call that when tragedy struck? just because this new lawyer was right there to help me I don’t know what I would have done down there, Daddy sitting there just kind of numb with Mama staring at him and him staring at me like he didn’t know who I am? Where I hardly got to ever talk to them alone because Reverend Bobby Joe was always there comforting them with how happy Bobbie is in the next world so Daddy wouldn’t feel so bad about the car Reverend Bobby Joe kept calling the death instrument, that Daddy gave Bobbie the money to buy the death instrument and maybe this is all some grand design of the Lord where all this money’s coming back because it was insured so Daddy can cleanse it by putting it in the Lord’s service, look at these shoes. I just got them when I went down there where the heel’s practically coming apart if I have to go to the Philippines but you don’t want to know about that either do you where I can’t even go to the doctor and . . .

  —Well go to the doctor! I told you I’d help you with that didn’t I?

  —It’s not my fault if they can’t give me an appointment till he gets back from Acapulco is it? Can you feel it? that lump? if it got any bigger?

  —It just feels harder, it’s . . .

  —That’s not it, you know what that is. It’s the other one anyway, the other side, no. Lower. Did it? I’m not getting any younger, look at my, now what are you looking at. You’re thinking about something else aren’t you.

  —What do you think I’m thinking about! I’m thinking about you and that, that, about what went on down there with you and . . .

  —See? You’re not even listening. That’s what I’m trying to tell you isn’t it? How he was so kind and understanding with Daddy trying to help straighten up this old misunderstanding so maybe we can make up and have this reconciliation now that Bobbie’s gone and they’ll maybe give me some help where Daddy’s going to get back all this money he put into Bobbie’s name so the government wouldn’t get it before tragedy struck?

  —What about before tragedy struck. You said you hadn’t gone to bed with him didn’t you?

  —I said I didn’t go to bed with him because it was in his car, so there.

  —But you, in his car? that BMW?

  —Because I was mad at you that’s why, because you hurt my feelings.

  —What are you talking about.

  —That you don’t take me seriously as if I didn’t have any feelings except my, don’t squeeze it so hard, that’s why.

  —So you thought I wouldn’t care if you climbed in the . . .

  —If I didn’t care for you it would never have happened in the first place! Because I care more for you than you do for me because if I didn’t care for you then you couldn’t hurt my feelings could you. Could you!

  —So you climb in the back seat of his BMW and . . .

  —Anyway it was the front seat, so there. When he was teaching me to drive.

  —Front seat back seat and every motel in, you know how to drive! between here and Disney World that’s the way you show how much you care for me? that you’ve thought of me once?

  —I sent you that postcard didn’t I?

  —While you’re, a picture of a rat in a cowboy suit while you’re down there rolling around on a waterbed with . . .

  —While you’re laying around up here with those big ones she’s got bending over you with this nice plate of spaghetti and a glass of wine look, look how flabby you’re getting down here, I can feel it, feel it?

  —I can feel it!

  —That’s not what I meant.

  —Well what do you mean? How can you expect me to know what you’re talking about, going to the Philippines because you’re mad at me?

  —I didn’t say I’m going to the Philippines because I was mad at you, I said your, take your hand away I’m getting all upset, don’t . . .

  —Don’t why not.

  —Because I’m, because I can’t, because he wouldn’t like it.

  —He wouldn’t like it! Get rid of him, I don’t care if he, just get rid of him!

  —How can I? getting her knee free, delivering his hand, —he’s my lawyer isn’t he? catching her blouse together —how am I supposed to get this divorce where he’s already getting this private detective to find my husband for abandonment on this boat someplace as a cook, that they said he got this job as a cook he couldn’t even make an egg till I showed him and these Philippines where they think I’m some kind of a criminal and this whoever stole my purse now they’re looking for somebody that had this prostitution ring there kidnapping these beautiful oriental girls with all my cards and ID from my purse that’s how real.

  —Wait, sit down. Nobody’s going to come and arrest you.

  —I can’t. I just came over to tell you I’m all right didn’t I? steadying herself against the sideboard tugging her skirt around, tugging its zipper. —I have to go anyway, I just need to get gas for the car that’s all. Do I have to ask you?

  —Listen. Sit down for a minute.

  —No there’s some right here, look.

  —I don’t have to look! It’s out there for some wine they’re supposed to deliver just, just take ten if you have to, now wait.

  —It’s just this bunch of twenties.

  —Well take one!

  —Because I need some cosmetics too I thought maybe you could help tide me over till I get things straightened up with Daddy and, why are you muttering at me like that, can’t you even say it was very nice to see you? thank you for coming over to see how I am? Because you think I just came over for this don’t you, you’ve just been waiting for me to ask, you thought maybe I’d refuse didn’t you, well why shouldn’t I accept it. I did before didn’t I? Why shouldn’t I now. You know I can’t turn it down I only just wish I didn’t have to.

  —Sit down! Listen . . .

  —No let go. Is my lipstick on straight? I have to go anyway Oscar, there’s this man out there on the porch. I only wish you wanted me to be happy, that’s all.

  Toot! toot toot toot! The door clattered. —Wait! Who are you! How’d you get in here?

  —The, your daughter? She was in such a hurry I couldn’t . . .

  —Well who are you!

  —Mister Crease? I’m, here’s my card I’m from your, from Ace Fidelity investigating your claim, y
our accident claim? May I sit down? and he’d done so, flattening a plastic portfolio on his lap, —I hope you’re not in pain? and he had out a yellow pad, —now. Let’s not take too much of your valuable time, Mister Crease. I’ve just examined your car out there and apparently your attorney has filed court papers containing what I’m afraid we feel to be a rather inflated claim considering the nature of the damage I’ve just observed. I don’t mean to sound unsympathetic but am I to understand that the condition which confines you to this, this motorized chair is the ongoing result of injuries sustained in the accident we are discussing?

  —Well of course! What do you think this is all about, you’ve seen my hospital records haven’t you? my whole medical . . .

  —Please, I don’t mean to upset you, I’m only doing my job you understand. I’m simply pointing out that I will be obliged to note in my report to the company that your purported injuries appear to be rather excessive in light of the nature of the accident itself, Mister Crease. I hope that I’m clear? He had out a small blue book, rustling its pages —now. I believe I can speak for the company regarding actual damages that we could reach a settlement of, just a minute, the six thirty five i yes, here it is. Four fifty three and then the, I should say in the neighborhood of fifteen hundred dollars, if you find that in order?

  —Fifteen hun, of course I don’t find it in order what are you talking about!

  —The new fender Mister Crease, there’s no possibility of hammering out the one that is presently on the vehicle it’s totally smashed in, I’d hate to see the other fellow as they say. I mean to say I trust there was no other fellow, some stationary object I assume. The fender itself for this particular model BMW runs four fifty three and then of course there’s the fender moulding, lining up the hood, painting bringing the labour up around a thousand so altogether we . . .

  —Now just stop. What are you, what in the hell are you talking about what BMW.

  —The one right out here in the drive, I thought . . .

  —You thought! You thought I’d be caught dead driving a BMW? Most vulgar car on the road? that mean little German snout with its two open nostrils cutting in front of you and roars away they’re for showoffs, they’re for ill-bred pushy people who have to prove they . . .

  —Excuse me I, excuse me Mister Crease there’s someone at the door there, shall I . . .

  —Find out what he wants. Ilse? Toot! Toot! —Where is she. Ilse! Well who is it.

  —He’s delivering cases of wine, he . . .

  —He doesn’t plan to bring them in the front door does he? Tell him to go round by the tradesmen’s, oh Ilse. Tell that fellow to go round by the back, he’s delivering some wine and bring me a glass. Quickly! Now.

  —Now. I’m sorry to have upset you, I didn’t mean . . .

  —Most loathsome car on the road today like the people who drive them. The car you’re here to examine is a red car, it’s out by the shed on the other side of the house. A Sosumi.

  —I, I’m afraid I’m a little confused. I understood you were the one who was suing, your attorney filed papers regarding your status under the No Fault statutes prevailing in this state which my company has had dismissed since you appear to prefer to be relieved of this statutory protection but in the interests of simplifying matters without further drawn out proceedings which would tax us all unnecessarily the idea of a settlement agreeable to both parties would seem the most sensible approach as I’m sure you agree.

  —Agree? Look at me! And you march in here, you have the gall to march in here with a settlement in the neighborhood of fifteen hundred dollars? That’s not a neighborhood it’s a slum, it’s a gutter!

  —I apologize, my error in identifying the vehic . . .

  —Fifteen hundred dollars, look at me! The protection of the No Fault statutes do you think I can’t see through that? They’re not protecting me they’re protecting you, they’re protecting you insurance people with this No Fault idea it’s not even an idea, it’s a jerrybuilt evasion of reality of course someone’s at fault. Someone’s always at fault. It’s all a cheap dodge chewing away at the basic fabric of civilization to replace it with a criminal mind’s utopia where no one’s responsible for the consequences of his actions, isn’t that what the social contract is all about?

  —I’m sure it is Mister Crease but you see . . .

  —I’ll tell you what I see Mister, Mister . . .

  —Prislikh . . .

  —Anarchy. Mere anarchy.

  —hoviscel . . .

  —This is what I see, sir.

  —It’s right there on my card, if you . . .

  —I see the entire crumbling of civilization before our very eyes.

  —I see . . .

  —I see all around us the criminal mind at large appropriating, literally stealing the fruits of the creative mind and the dedicated labours of others without even blinking, isn’t that what’s at the heart of this cancerous No Fault epidemic? this license for delinquency? Society created the criminal, society’s responsible and so no one’s responsible, isn’t that the size of it? demolishing the pillar civilization rests upon, each individual’s responsibility for the consequences of his own actions? and the natural law which frames the concept of negligence, let alone deliberate transgression goes out the window and the Constitution with it, are you aware of that? Are you aware that you’re toying with one of the first laws of physical nature itself?

  —I, I hadn’t meant to no, no I . . .

  —The simple, obvious, natural law of cause and effect? That there are actually people out there trying to banish it from the civilized world of human intercourse? And they’d ask me to join in this conspiracy against every lesson in sanity since the Age of Enlightenment brought us the, will you hand me that glass please?

  —I, oh, here it’s, I’m afraid it’s empty Mister Crease I think, I think if you can have your attorney get in touch with us, we . . .

  —I have no attorney.

  —But I understood that you, that, but how long have you been without counsel?

  —In this matter? For about twenty minutes.

  —I, oh. I think, I think I, your delivery here I think he wants to be paid.

  —It’s right there, on that sideboard by the door now wait, where are you going.

  —Yes I think I’d better, here? There’s nothing here, you meant a check? or . . .

  —Bills! Twenties, there’s at least a dozen twenties there, right there by your elbow.

  —But, there’s nothing here no, no I’m afraid not Mister Crease.

  —But, damn her! Ilse? Find my checkbook will you? in the library there, where’s that glass of wine. Now wait, where are you going?

  —Yes I’d better get back to the office for new instructions I, thank you I hope I haven’t tired you, I’m sorry to have interrupted your holiday but we have such a backlog of yes, yes that reminds me Mister Crease, your front porch out here? I hope your homeowner’s liability is paid up someone could have a nasty there, there’s your phone . . .

  —Here, wait a minute! Toot! toot! —Ilse? Just bring the bottle. Hello? Well! You finally tore yourself away from whatever unspeakable . . . what? Down on your knees scrubbing the kitchen floor I’m sure, listen Christina I want to speak to Harry . . . What do you mean asleep it’s the middle of the day, of course I know that, it’s Sunday here too isn’t it? I’ve just had a hopeless confrontation with some idiot from the insurance company offering a ridiculously insulting settlement and I want Harry to dig up a really good negligence lawyer who can . . . Because I changed my mind! I simply decided to get a new one, that’s . . . Because Basie’s out of town, he’s down there registering those letters in that historical society it’s a requirement under the copyright law, when you bring suit for infringe . . . I don’t know . . . I said I don’t know Christina! Of course I haven’t talked to him, it’s this broken down old law clerk who’s stirring up the trouble, he’s got Father convinced that this whole mess he’s in with the papers down th
ere is my fault, that I . . . That he showed him that damned interview of course that’s not what I said, they turned everything upside down and of course when he saw that seventy five million number they pulled out of a hat he thinks I did it just to publicize my lawsuit, that I . . . Well of course I didn’t! I haven’t even . . . Because he’s seen the movie Christina! This law clerk took him to see it and of course he was horrified, if I’m suing them for stealing my play of course he thinks that’s what I wrote, he never read my play did he? never showed any interest in it at all, now he’s even convinced I wrote it in the first place just to exploit Grandfather and this whole madness angle they’re playing up down there so it’s my fault his appeals court seat is in jeopardy because it’s his father who’s being maligned, that it’s my fault the . . . Well of course I know it’s his father! He can’t copyright his father can he? You remember when I wrote it Christina? the play? when I thought I’d finally done something to please him? that he’d be proud of I, that I, when I actually pictured taking him to opening night and all the wonderful reviews and it was ours, it was our family, that it set us apart from the rest of the dumb insignificant meaningless swarms of people who, the unexamined lives because there’s nothing in them to examine, something we’d have together finally after all the, after the . . . what? I know it Christina! but he wasn’t that old when I wrote it was he? and now he thinks that I’ve sold him out that I’ve sold out everything we, that I’ve betrayed everything that I tried to, to glorify in a man who, what? but . . . From this law clerk where else, where else would I hear it? And another thing. Another thing Christina I’ve just heard from a director, a theatre director he’s one of the most famous in Britain he’s interested in my play and he, wait a minute. Just put it down there Ilse. And a glass? And get the bill from him over there will you? You’ve brought my checkbook, did it occur to you to bring me something to write with? Christina? are you there? What? Certainly not, why would I be having a seizure, I . . . It’s not ridiculous, Christina! Out here all alone pinned down in this chair at the mercy of every stupid Tom Dick and, Ilse? A pen, I can’t write a check in pencil, the pressures I’m under with nobody around who seems to care whether I live or I . . . Because that’s what happens! Pressures keep building up suddenly a clot in some tiny blood vessel in the brain when you least expect it that’s when tragedy strikes, and . . . That’s what I said, yes! when tragedy strikes! These desolate grey skies out over the pond and the wind I just thought maybe you could come out for a few days and . . . well can you call me sometimes just to make sure I’m . . . all right! But call me! Use? Here’s the check, get him out of here, and when I say bring me a glass I don’t mean a water glass, a tumbler, how many times I’ve told you you don’t drink wine in a tumbler. There are plenty of goblets out there, the ones with the heavy stems, those tall thin ones would all be smashed the way you pack the dishwasher. We’ve got to get things organized here, I can’t do everything myself. These boxes of papers, they’re just in the way, you can stack them back in the hall where they were I haven’t got time to go through them right now. And these books. I want them piled right here where I can reach them, not over by the card table. And the card table? hadn’t he asked her to move it so he wouldn’t have to drive across the room whenever he needed a pad or a folder, taking the whole day to get things in order so he could get something done that he couldn’t get anything done. The blue folder for accounts, there should be two of them, one for household accounts and one for bills to be filed until they were opened. Correspondence, mail, clippings, a separate folder for clippings and the morning paper, where was it? Where was she for that matter, not that he’d finished with yesterday’s paper clipping that story on Chevitz settling his suit against Kiester for, or was it the day’s before? Couldn’t she simply leave the scissors in one place? borrowing them to cut open a package of bacon, was there any reason a household like this one couldn’t provide two pairs of scissors? Using a paring knife to open the mail, where was it, hadn’t she finally learned to stack it right there? There was always mail, even the trash it was still mail wasn’t it? something important that might have slipped into a big sale on camping equipment, washers and dryers, choice pork roast center cut like that invitation to lecture on Shiloh almost thrown out with porch and patio furniture, outdoor barbecues, snow tires and God knows what, the oil bill, trash removal $26.75 he punched out on the pocket calculator x 2 with a month’s arrears and the window lit up with 8s end to end. —Ilse? Here you are. The batteries, put two AA size batteries on your list and the corn soup with those scallops, you’ve got to poach them very gently just two minutes or so, now around the neck and shoulders the way you did it yesterday? These strong thumbs digging deep down the base of the skull, the warmth spreading through muscles and tendons kneaded harder setting in a kind of somnolent rocking motion as the darkness accumulated out there over the pond, a blue heron stiff as a branch and two gulls tossed aimless overhead, white seagulls adrift on the currents of another glass before the darkness and the silence took it all until finally —you’ll have to help me here he told her —just, there, get my leg over the side of the tub and ow! Boil me like a lobster, eight or nine minutes is long enough, boiled too long they get tough, nothing fancy just the plain melted butter and was there asparagus in the stores? All really just different ways to eat butter, asparagus, artichokes, a baked potato and he’d want another blanket tonight, more rain, two days of it, the newspaper strung on a clothesline in the kitchen to dry and the mail, Ace Fidelity, Lepidus, Shea & Blue Cross into the blue folder and couldn’t she remember to bring back the wastebasket when she’d emptied it? A smudged postcard picture of Mickey Mouse in a cowboy suit (HERE’S GUNNIN’ FOR YOU!) flung in its general direction when it arrived and that matchbook he’d been looking for, this wasn’t it (NEED CASH? INSTANT CREDIT 24HR. CASH LINE), it was red, (NEGLIGENCE? ACCIDENTS? INJURIES? MALPRACTICE? FREE PHONE CONSULTATION) and another half glass, the sun finally streaming across the room blinding the television screen with reflections of furniture so it had to be moved for his afternoon nature program, those strong thumbs pressing deep along the muscles of his neck and shoulders hunched intent on the world of carnivorous plants in the warm marshy bog where dwelt Dionaea muscipula, the notorious Venus flytrap closing its barbed lips on a hapless victim and sticky doings in the milkweed occupied the screen, still aglow with catastrophe on the grander scale of the evening news embracing a wide variety of vehicles flung broadcast down a highway in a freak blizzard in the midwest and with it, searching the shadows in this room and the darkness beyond a sense almost of panic, of the room standing empty, sold, when he’d gone, but where? or as suddenly shaken with the clatter of strangers moving in with their hideous furniture, —Ilse? and the smell of cabbage, —the plain boiled chicken, yes, just let it simmer and peppercorns, put in some peppercorns and do the rice in the same broth when the time came, couldn’t she tell the difference between a salad fork and a dinner fork? and not to use a carving knife to pry open a jar or spread butter just because it was there within reach? And when the time came —you’ll have to help me here he told her, easing a leg over the side if she’d just hold his shoulders so he wouldn’t slip, arched over him in the steam easing him down, the full size of her hands flushed red in the water cradling the dead white shimmer of his thighs going under, wisps of tow brushing her throat in the trickle of perspiration arched over him easing him down where the merest token tumescence broke the surface, the transparent falsity he’d choked on in that cramped overheated sixty dollar seat where the curtain went up on a chorus line cavorting down the stage hymning the mockery of tits and ass no, here over him laboured the sweated splendour of buttocks and breasts intruding the abrupt image of milking her into the morning tea, where might he have read that? The wind out there wrapped the house like shipwreck, the whole place seemed to heave in the dark, —Ilse? he’d call out, —there’s a door banging somewhere, hear it? if only to muster the sound of her footsteps, but worse, when they
came they might have been anyone’s, off groping in some unfamiliar reach colliding with a chair, a table, in that case he might tell her to simply leave all the lights on till the day came round again, the day that brought a man to the door selling aluminum siding, the day a large potted azalea delivered by mistake with a note You saved my life! signed Gwen was left to wither on the veranda and the gas for the kitchen stove ran out just at suppertime, prompting a feverish search for the source of that hoary inquiry What is worse than treason to one’s king: A cold boiled potato on a white china plate, but soon enough replenished to offer, when the day itself finally came round, poached salmon served with carrots and olives sautéed in the Spanish style, despite the chance that —Mister Basie may not care for sautéed carrots. In the Spanish style. It sounds greasy.