My Ratchet Secret by Midnite Love
head or getting high he had her working the strip.”
I blew my nose before continuing. “My momma sold her body for crack while they was together and after he left us I guess the pressure got to be too much and she walked out on us too.” I looked down at the wet tissue in my hands to avoid making eye contact.
Adrian got up and came over to the love seat where I was sitting and put his arm around me.
“Damn bae, why you lie to me? You know you can tell me anything?”
“I was ashamed. You was raised by both of your parents and you are close to everybody in your family. Plus everybody is doing well, they all successful.
“I can dig that but you shouldn’t be ashamed of where you come from.”
“That’s easy for you to say, everybody didn’t grow up in the Huxtable household like you did. Many nights I went to bed hungry cause I gave the little bit of food I could steal to my little brother and sister. You just don’t know what I’ve been through. Your family seemed so perfect I didn’t want to share all that ratchet bullshit I been through. I thought you wouldn’t want me anymore.
Luckily I was old enough to fend for myself but child protective services wanted to pick me up and put me in a foster home like they did my lil sis and brother. The only reason they didn’t get me was cause I ran every time I saw them. I spent half of my damn childhood running. And I’m still running… running from my past.
When I met you I had never had anybody treat me as good as you have. I ain’t never loved nobody the way I love you. I never meant to hurt you by lying to you, but I found love and somebody who loved me back and I was too scared of losing it, losing you…” With that I broke down, trembling and sobbing uncontrollably.
Adrian held me tight and wiped my tears away. Hearing how much I had endured from my childhood touched him to the point he found his own eyes welling up. It tore him up to see me this way.
“Damn baby I’m so sorry” he whispered through his own veil of tears.
“Now you see why I wanted to just leave the past in the past? It’s just too painful for me to deal with Adrian. I didn’t want this shit to ever come out but you just had to keep pressing the issue. Now I’m all fucked up. I had that shit buried deep inside.”
He would later tell me that it was at that very moment he realized maybe he had been pressing too hard for something that shouldn’t have really matter. If I hadn’t seen my family in years who was he to keep pressuring me to meet people my ass barely even knew? From that day forward he said he would let that shit die. He had a down ass woman on his team and the past didn’t matter as long as I treated him good.
“I’m glad you told me the truth. I’m sorry I was pressing so you hard. I guess I should have just trusted that you weren’t hiding anything that was gonna hurt me.”
I looked him in his eyes with a stare of intent. “I would NEVER do anything to hurt you. I love you too damn much.”
“I love you too bae.”
“Now can we PLEASE put this shit behind us and never bring it up again?” I asked.
“Damn right we can put it behind us, but you gotta admit it must feel like a weight done been lifted from off your shoulders.”
Secrets And Lies
One year later
This was it, the day I had finally been dreaming of, my wedding day. I had been planning for this day for over a year and with that being said there was no detail left unturned. My only regret? My parents, siblings and my best friend couldn’t be here to celebrate my happiness.
I grew up in Washington DC with one of the best families a person could ask for. My mother was a God fearing, church going woman. She was not only momma to me and my younger sister and brother she was known as momma around the community as well. She didn’t hesitate to help anyone that was in need. Momma would give a stranger the shoes off of her feet rather than see them go barefoot. I only hope I can become half the woman she is someday.
My father was a master electrician by trade although he dabbled in plumbing and dry walling as well. He has owned his own business for over thirty years and pretty much taught me the value of owning your own and having your own. His motto was always: “Why give somebody else a day’s work that you could be giving yourself?” Damn I miss daddy, hopefully we can see each other again someday.
My younger sister Bria grew up to be one of the baddest hair dressers DC had ever seen. She kept everybody’s shit in the neighborhood laid. Last I heard she had taken her skills to Atlanta where she was supposed to be opening her own shop.
My brother Meeko (Meek to family and friends) is an aspiring rapper. He could usually be found either sitting around making beats or writing lyrics. As you can just about guess my parents wasn’t having that shit. Rapping was all fine and dandy but they insisted that he get his education as well. He was in his fourth year of college studying to be an engineer while taking the campus by storm in every rap battle that came up as well as hosting his own college radio show on the weekends.
Yeah, I guess you could say my parents did a damn good job when it came to raising us. Although it seems like they dropped the ball with me. Maybe they were young and inexperienced as parents. Or maybe they just didn’t know how to deal with the fact that their oldest son was gay.
Yes that’s my ratchet secret I’m really a man, well that’s part of it. I wasn’t always Pebbles. I was born as Peyton Edward Jones. I have always known that I was different than the rest of the boys in my hood. I didn’t like the same things they liked, and that included girls. As a matter of fact the time they spent playing sports and chasing girls I spent perfecting my makeup game and admiring women’s fashions.
Unlike many gay kids I didn’t have to “come out” to my parents. They already suspected that something was off with me from a very young age.
I loved playing dress up in my mother’s clothes as well as wearing her shoes around the house. When they sat me down to have the “talk” I flat out told them that I didn’t like girls and to take it a step further I felt like a girl myself, in every way imaginable. I was transgender as well.
I have always envied my beautiful girlfriends and would do anything in my power to look like them. Simply put I felt like I was born in the wrong body. I struggled for many years to suppress the jealousy and anger that I felt for my younger sister because she was born as a girl. “Why couldn’t it have been me?” is what I would ask myself as I would cry myself to sleep many nights.
Despite the fact that I was gay and transgender my parents still loved me and although they were Christians and they didn’t accept my lifestyle, they never made me feel bad for my choices. I was one of the lucky ones. Besides the lectures momma and daddy gave on how being gay was a sin and that I could “pray it away” I never had to endure the hurt and backlash that many homosexuals did with their own families. Even when momma’s church going friends tried to label me as a demon she always stuck up for me and loved me regardless. My torment would come later down the line when I pushed society’s norms of dressing in drag and identifying myself as a woman.
Tasha Ramsey was my very best friend in the whole world. If there was anyone that I loved almost as much as my boo Adrian it was Tasha. She never ridiculed me or judged me. She loved me for who I was. She was another driving force in helping to mold me into the person I am today. Like I said I was damn lucky to have the people closest to me in my corner. It made all the difference in the world. Tasha was that friend that you had growing up that you not only had fun with but got in trouble with as well. We were thick as thieves and there was no separating us. I have so much love for her that I can’t help but shed a tear every time she comes to mind.
When I met her brother Adrian I was sprung. Even as a kid he was as cute as he could be. I had been crushing on him from day one but when he grew up it was a wrap. He grew from a skinny little kid that liked playin
g kickball and chasing the ice cream truck down the road into a fine sexy ass man. He stood at an impressive six feet three inches, had smooth Mahogany skin and a face that sported features so chiseled it should have been in a museum.
He wasn’t a player but he damn sure had his share of girlfriends. I would have done anything back then to be in their shoes. The problem was he was as straight as the day was long. And to make matters worse not only did he barely know I existed. He made it a point to steer clear of me at all costs. He wanted nothing to do with his sister’s “gay ass friend.” This hurt me to the core. Talk about unrequited love! I would have done anything to be with Adrian but he wouldn’t even give me the time of day even as a friend. By the time we were all young adults he was able to “tolerate” me but still fed me from a long handled spoon.
I stood back for over a year and watched his present girlfriend treat him like shit while he damn near worshipped the ground she walked on. She didn’t deserve him. She didn’t deserve to get the love and affection that I should have been getting. I was determined to make Adrian mine no matter what the cost.
This would ultimately help me seal the decision to have sex reassignment surgery. If he didn’t want me as a man I would have no choice but to become a woman. The choice wasn’t hard seeing as I already considered myself to be a woman any way. And when it was all said and done I planned on being the baddest bitch that he ever laid eyes on.
I had to figure out some way to get my hands on that type of money. There was no way momma and daddy was going to loan it to me. I had already expressed to them how much it would mean to me if I could have the surgery seeing as I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin. Their response was just what was to be expected. I was born a man child so I should accept the fact that I was in a man’s body and that God don’t make no mistakes. My girl Tasha was in my corner but she was just as broke as me. We had just graduated high school and didn’t have a pot to piss in. Part time gigs at the mall and local fast food restaurants just weren’t cutting it. I needed big money and I needed it fast.
Where was an average poor kid in the hood going to come up with over $300,000? Plus before I could even think about surgery I had to have to endure a considerable amount of counseling and psychiatric assessments. After the surgery there would be prescription charges, speech therapy, and hair removal from face and body just to name a few of the many expenses. I would also need hormone replacement therapy and a whole new wardrobe on top of the surgery. Lucky Adrian had enlisted in the Army after his senior year. This would give me a chance to come up with a plan of action.
Going against my girl Tasha’s pleas, who was now away at college, I decided that I would strip for the money. There were several gay clubs around town that hopped on the weekends and I just needed to find my niche. I was determined not to let a bitch out do me, man or woman.
I got my shit together and ditched those tired ass wigs I was wearing for only top of the line hair. I made sure I was waxed from head to toe, body was tight and my face was beat every night. There was no way these hoes were going to outshine me. I was getting my money even if it meant turning a few tricks with the so called straight men that snuck in to see me perform. It didn’t take long for momma to realize where I was stepping out to every night and she demanded that I stopped or get out on my own.
That’s when I decided to get my own apartment so I could have the privacy I needed. Before I knew it I was not only dancing but tricking as well, full time. The money I needed came with ease seeing as I was making upwards to $2,000 a
I blew my nose before continuing. “My momma sold her body for crack while they was together and after he left us I guess the pressure got to be too much and she walked out on us too.” I looked down at the wet tissue in my hands to avoid making eye contact.
Adrian got up and came over to the love seat where I was sitting and put his arm around me.
“Damn bae, why you lie to me? You know you can tell me anything?”
“I was ashamed. You was raised by both of your parents and you are close to everybody in your family. Plus everybody is doing well, they all successful.
“I can dig that but you shouldn’t be ashamed of where you come from.”
“That’s easy for you to say, everybody didn’t grow up in the Huxtable household like you did. Many nights I went to bed hungry cause I gave the little bit of food I could steal to my little brother and sister. You just don’t know what I’ve been through. Your family seemed so perfect I didn’t want to share all that ratchet bullshit I been through. I thought you wouldn’t want me anymore.
Luckily I was old enough to fend for myself but child protective services wanted to pick me up and put me in a foster home like they did my lil sis and brother. The only reason they didn’t get me was cause I ran every time I saw them. I spent half of my damn childhood running. And I’m still running… running from my past.
When I met you I had never had anybody treat me as good as you have. I ain’t never loved nobody the way I love you. I never meant to hurt you by lying to you, but I found love and somebody who loved me back and I was too scared of losing it, losing you…” With that I broke down, trembling and sobbing uncontrollably.
Adrian held me tight and wiped my tears away. Hearing how much I had endured from my childhood touched him to the point he found his own eyes welling up. It tore him up to see me this way.
“Damn baby I’m so sorry” he whispered through his own veil of tears.
“Now you see why I wanted to just leave the past in the past? It’s just too painful for me to deal with Adrian. I didn’t want this shit to ever come out but you just had to keep pressing the issue. Now I’m all fucked up. I had that shit buried deep inside.”
He would later tell me that it was at that very moment he realized maybe he had been pressing too hard for something that shouldn’t have really matter. If I hadn’t seen my family in years who was he to keep pressuring me to meet people my ass barely even knew? From that day forward he said he would let that shit die. He had a down ass woman on his team and the past didn’t matter as long as I treated him good.
“I’m glad you told me the truth. I’m sorry I was pressing so you hard. I guess I should have just trusted that you weren’t hiding anything that was gonna hurt me.”
I looked him in his eyes with a stare of intent. “I would NEVER do anything to hurt you. I love you too damn much.”
“I love you too bae.”
“Now can we PLEASE put this shit behind us and never bring it up again?” I asked.
“Damn right we can put it behind us, but you gotta admit it must feel like a weight done been lifted from off your shoulders.”
Secrets And Lies
One year later
This was it, the day I had finally been dreaming of, my wedding day. I had been planning for this day for over a year and with that being said there was no detail left unturned. My only regret? My parents, siblings and my best friend couldn’t be here to celebrate my happiness.
I grew up in Washington DC with one of the best families a person could ask for. My mother was a God fearing, church going woman. She was not only momma to me and my younger sister and brother she was known as momma around the community as well. She didn’t hesitate to help anyone that was in need. Momma would give a stranger the shoes off of her feet rather than see them go barefoot. I only hope I can become half the woman she is someday.
My father was a master electrician by trade although he dabbled in plumbing and dry walling as well. He has owned his own business for over thirty years and pretty much taught me the value of owning your own and having your own. His motto was always: “Why give somebody else a day’s work that you could be giving yourself?” Damn I miss daddy, hopefully we can see each other again someday.
My younger sister Bria grew up to be one of the baddest hair dressers DC had ever seen. She kept everybody’s shit in the neighborhood laid. Last I heard she had taken her skills to Atlanta where she was supposed to be opening her own shop.
My brother Meeko (Meek to family and friends) is an aspiring rapper. He could usually be found either sitting around making beats or writing lyrics. As you can just about guess my parents wasn’t having that shit. Rapping was all fine and dandy but they insisted that he get his education as well. He was in his fourth year of college studying to be an engineer while taking the campus by storm in every rap battle that came up as well as hosting his own college radio show on the weekends.
Yeah, I guess you could say my parents did a damn good job when it came to raising us. Although it seems like they dropped the ball with me. Maybe they were young and inexperienced as parents. Or maybe they just didn’t know how to deal with the fact that their oldest son was gay.
Yes that’s my ratchet secret I’m really a man, well that’s part of it. I wasn’t always Pebbles. I was born as Peyton Edward Jones. I have always known that I was different than the rest of the boys in my hood. I didn’t like the same things they liked, and that included girls. As a matter of fact the time they spent playing sports and chasing girls I spent perfecting my makeup game and admiring women’s fashions.
Unlike many gay kids I didn’t have to “come out” to my parents. They already suspected that something was off with me from a very young age.
I loved playing dress up in my mother’s clothes as well as wearing her shoes around the house. When they sat me down to have the “talk” I flat out told them that I didn’t like girls and to take it a step further I felt like a girl myself, in every way imaginable. I was transgender as well.
I have always envied my beautiful girlfriends and would do anything in my power to look like them. Simply put I felt like I was born in the wrong body. I struggled for many years to suppress the jealousy and anger that I felt for my younger sister because she was born as a girl. “Why couldn’t it have been me?” is what I would ask myself as I would cry myself to sleep many nights.
Despite the fact that I was gay and transgender my parents still loved me and although they were Christians and they didn’t accept my lifestyle, they never made me feel bad for my choices. I was one of the lucky ones. Besides the lectures momma and daddy gave on how being gay was a sin and that I could “pray it away” I never had to endure the hurt and backlash that many homosexuals did with their own families. Even when momma’s church going friends tried to label me as a demon she always stuck up for me and loved me regardless. My torment would come later down the line when I pushed society’s norms of dressing in drag and identifying myself as a woman.
Tasha Ramsey was my very best friend in the whole world. If there was anyone that I loved almost as much as my boo Adrian it was Tasha. She never ridiculed me or judged me. She loved me for who I was. She was another driving force in helping to mold me into the person I am today. Like I said I was damn lucky to have the people closest to me in my corner. It made all the difference in the world. Tasha was that friend that you had growing up that you not only had fun with but got in trouble with as well. We were thick as thieves and there was no separating us. I have so much love for her that I can’t help but shed a tear every time she comes to mind.
When I met her brother Adrian I was sprung. Even as a kid he was as cute as he could be. I had been crushing on him from day one but when he grew up it was a wrap. He grew from a skinny little kid that liked playin
He wasn’t a player but he damn sure had his share of girlfriends. I would have done anything back then to be in their shoes. The problem was he was as straight as the day was long. And to make matters worse not only did he barely know I existed. He made it a point to steer clear of me at all costs. He wanted nothing to do with his sister’s “gay ass friend.” This hurt me to the core. Talk about unrequited love! I would have done anything to be with Adrian but he wouldn’t even give me the time of day even as a friend. By the time we were all young adults he was able to “tolerate” me but still fed me from a long handled spoon.
I stood back for over a year and watched his present girlfriend treat him like shit while he damn near worshipped the ground she walked on. She didn’t deserve him. She didn’t deserve to get the love and affection that I should have been getting. I was determined to make Adrian mine no matter what the cost.
This would ultimately help me seal the decision to have sex reassignment surgery. If he didn’t want me as a man I would have no choice but to become a woman. The choice wasn’t hard seeing as I already considered myself to be a woman any way. And when it was all said and done I planned on being the baddest bitch that he ever laid eyes on.
I had to figure out some way to get my hands on that type of money. There was no way momma and daddy was going to loan it to me. I had already expressed to them how much it would mean to me if I could have the surgery seeing as I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin. Their response was just what was to be expected. I was born a man child so I should accept the fact that I was in a man’s body and that God don’t make no mistakes. My girl Tasha was in my corner but she was just as broke as me. We had just graduated high school and didn’t have a pot to piss in. Part time gigs at the mall and local fast food restaurants just weren’t cutting it. I needed big money and I needed it fast.
Where was an average poor kid in the hood going to come up with over $300,000? Plus before I could even think about surgery I had to have to endure a considerable amount of counseling and psychiatric assessments. After the surgery there would be prescription charges, speech therapy, and hair removal from face and body just to name a few of the many expenses. I would also need hormone replacement therapy and a whole new wardrobe on top of the surgery. Lucky Adrian had enlisted in the Army after his senior year. This would give me a chance to come up with a plan of action.
Going against my girl Tasha’s pleas, who was now away at college, I decided that I would strip for the money. There were several gay clubs around town that hopped on the weekends and I just needed to find my niche. I was determined not to let a bitch out do me, man or woman.
I got my shit together and ditched those tired ass wigs I was wearing for only top of the line hair. I made sure I was waxed from head to toe, body was tight and my face was beat every night. There was no way these hoes were going to outshine me. I was getting my money even if it meant turning a few tricks with the so called straight men that snuck in to see me perform. It didn’t take long for momma to realize where I was stepping out to every night and she demanded that I stopped or get out on my own.
That’s when I decided to get my own apartment so I could have the privacy I needed. Before I knew it I was not only dancing but tricking as well, full time. The money I needed came with ease seeing as I was making upwards to $2,000 a