Once a Week by A. A. Milne

  THE TRUTH ABOUT HOME RAILS

  Imagine us, if you can, sitting one on each side of the fire, I with myfeet on the mantelpiece, Margery curled up in the blue arm-chair, bothof us intent on the morning paper. To me, by good chance, has fallen thesporting page; to Margery the foreign, political, and financialintelligence of the day.

  "What," said Margery, "does it mean when it says----" She stopped andspelt it over to herself again.

  I put down my piece of the paper and prepared to explain. The desire forknowledge in the young cannot be too strongly encouraged, and I havealways flattered myself that I can explain in perfectly simple languageanything which a child wants to know. For instance, I once told Margerywhat "Miniature Rifle Shooting" meant; it was a head-line which she hadcome across in her paper. The explanation took some time, owing toMargery's preconceived idea that a bird entered into it somewhere;several times, when I thought the lesson was over, she said, "Well, whatabout the bird?" But I think I made it plain to her in the end, thoughmaybe she has forgotten about it now.

  "What," said Margery, "does it mean when it says 'Home Rails Firm'?"

  I took up my paper again. The Cambridge fifteen, I was glad to see, wererapidly developing into a first-class team, and----

  "'Home Rails Firm,'" repeated Margery, and looked up at me.

  My mind worked rapidly, as it always does in a crisis.

  "What did you say?" I asked in surprise.

  "What does 'Home Rails Firm' mean?"

  "Where does it say that?" I went on, still thinking at lightning speed.

  "There. It said it yesterday too."

  "Ah, yes." I made up my mind. "Well, _that_," I said--"I think _that_ issomething you must ask your father."

  "I did ask him yesterday."

  "Well, then----"

  "He told me to ask Mummy."

  Coward!

  "You can be sure," I said firmly, "that what Mummy told you would beright," and I returned to my paper.

  "Mummy told me to wait till _you_ came."

  Really, these parents! The way they shirk their responsibilitiesnowadays is disgusting.

  "'Home Rails Firm,'" said Margery, and settled herself to listen.

  It is good that children should be encouraged to take an interest in theaffairs of the day, but I do think that a little girl might be taught byher father (or if more convenient, mother) _which_ part of a newspaperto read. Had Margery asked me the difference between a bunker and abanker, had she demanded an explanation of "ultimatum" or "guillotine,"I could have done something with it; but to let a child of six fill herhead with ideas as to the firmness or otherwise of Home Rails is hardlynice. However, an explanation had to be given.

  "Well, it's like this, Margery," I said at last. "Supposing--well, yousee, supposing--that is to say, if _I_----" and then I stopped. I had asort of feeling--intuition, they call it--that I was beginning in thewrong way.

  "Go on," said Margery.

  "Perhaps I had better put it this way. Supposing you were to---- Well,we'd better begin further back than that. You know what---- No, I don'tsuppose you do know that. Well, if I--that is to say, when a man--youknow, it's rather difficult to explain this, Margery."

  "Are you explaining it now?"

  "I'm just going to begin."

  "Thank you, Uncle."

  I lit my pipe slowly, while I considered again how best to approach thematter.

  "'Home Rails Firm,'" said Margery. "Isn't it a _funny_ thing to say?"

  It was. It was a very _silly_ thing to say. Whoever said it first mighthave known what it would lead to.

  "Perhaps I can explain it best like this, Margery," I said, beginning ona new tack. "I suppose you know what 'firm' means?"

  "What does it mean?"

  "Ah, well, if you don't know _that_," I said, rather pleased, "perhaps Ihad better explain that first. 'Firm' means that--that is to say, youcall a thing firm if it--well, if it doesn't--that is to say, a thing isfirm if it can't _move_."

  "Like a house?"

  "Well, something like that. This chair, for instance," and I put my handon her chair, "is firm because you can't shake it. You see, it'squite---- Hallo, what's that?"

  "Oh, you bad Uncle, you've knocked the castor off again," cried Margery,greatly excited at the incident.

  "This is too much," I said bitterly. "Even the furniture is against me."

  "Go on explaining," said Margery, rocking herself in the now wobblychair.

  I decided to leave "firm." It is not an easy word to explain at the bestof times, and when everything you touch goes and breaks itself itbecomes perfectly impossible.

  "Well, so much for that," I said. "And now we come to 'rails.' You knowwhat rails are?"

  "Like I've got in the nursery?"

  This was splendid. I had forgotten these for the moment.

  "Exactly. The rails your train goes on. Well then, '_Home_ Rails' wouldbe rails at _home_."

  "Well, I've _got_ them at home," said Margery in surprise. "I couldn'thave them anywhere else."

  "Quite so. Then 'Home Rails Firm' would mean that--er--home railswere--er--firm."

  "But mine aren't, because they wobble. You know they do."

  "Yes, but----"

  "Well, why do they say 'Home Rails Firm' when they mean 'Home RailsWobble'?"

  "Ah, that's just it. The point is that when they say 'Home Rails Firm,'they don't mean that the rails _themselves_ are firm. In fact, theydon't mean at all what you think they mean. They mean something quitedifferent."

  "What _do_ they mean?"

  "I am just going to explain," I said stiffly.

  . . . . .

  "Or perhaps I had better put it this way," I said ten minutes later."Supposing---- Oh, Margery, it _is_ difficult to explain."

  "I _must_ know," said Margery.

  "_Why_ do you want to know so badly?"

  "I want to know a million million times more than anything else in thewhole world."

  "Why?"

  "So as I can tell Angela," said Margery.

  I plunged into my explanation again. Angela is three, and I can quitesee how important it is that she should be sound on the question.